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  • Broke up with GF over retroactive jealousy.

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    Old 01-17-2017, 01:04 PM   #1
    SJF1263
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    Broke up with GF over retroactive jealousy.

    I apologize in advance for the long post but i really have no one to talk to about my situation. For those of you who don't know, retroactive jealousy is a condition that people suffer from when they obsess over a partner's past. I've had it for as long as I can remember and destroyed 2 relationships because of it. The 3rd and most recent I left on my own terms as to not hurt the person I love. Most people scoff at the notion saying "just get over it", "it happened before you", or simply "you're being ridiculous". To that i say, you're absolutely right. Unfortunately this mindset is not based on rational though, rather an almost OCD like illness. I understand I'm 100% in the wrong and by no means blame my past failures on my previous girlfriends.

    So let's start somewhat from the beginning. I am 33 year old man and have had man sexual partners, so right off the bat you can see I'm a hypocrite. My two longest relationships ended because I punished them for their past experiences, which is totally unfair, they have a right to live their life the way they choose and not be judged, especially by the person who is supposed to love them no matter what.

    Going back 5 months ago. I met an amazing girl. She's 36, has 2 girls, 9 and 2. On our first date she told me how attracted she was to me and said if I had met her a few years ago she would take me home and have her way with me. I was obviously flattered but also raised an eyebrow. How many times has that happened? The more we talked the more she'd mention things about who she was before and stopped having sex after her second child. I knew from previous experience not to ask questions because it'll only cause problems down the line. On a phone conversation she had just had an argument with her best friend and let slip "I had to hold me tongue from telling her i had sex with her bf before they were married." That was pretty much it for trying not to know about her sexual history and the resurrection of my insecurities. I explained to her my situation and told her I would try my best to not let it become a problem. The more we fell in love the more intense the thoughts were, but I never tormented her about it which was a huge win for me. In the past i have but my gf's down, called them names, for things that had nothing to do with me. Last night i had my breaking point. During a conversation I felt myself getting nasty with her, I broke up with her right there and then. I couldn't see myself hurting her for no reason. She begged me not to go, told me how different I was. Told me she'd only dated abusive men.Told me how much love I showed her and her kids after only a few months. It destroyed me inside to hear her cry, but it would kill me more to revert into my old ways and punish her for no reason. It hasn't been 24 hours and I miss her terribly but the fear of what might be is enough to keep me away.

    I'm not entirely sure what I hope to accomplish from this post. If you made it this far thank you for reading. If you have similar issues please learn from my mistakes and try to be strong for the person you love, they deserve it, and so do you.

     
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    Old 01-18-2017, 06:31 AM   #2
    Kszan
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    Re: Broke up with GF over retroactive jealousy.

    Since you're aware of this pattern of behavior, and you haven't been able to resolve it on your own, then it's time for you to seek counseling. If you want to live a normal life without these types of hangups then you need to find a counselor who will teach you how to alter your perspective and change your behavior. Otherwise you're just going to keep treating people this way through no fault of their own and you'll never find any kind of happiness with someone.

     
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