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  • What is he thinking?

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    Old 03-13-2017, 12:55 PM   #1
    dreamland1010
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    Post What is he thinking?

    I have a male friend who I used to work with and have been friends with for almost 6 years (I'm late 30s,married and he's mid 40s,in a relationship for the past year-ish. <--EDIT: I ALMOST LEFT OUT THE FACT THAT I AM MARRIED BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE CAN BE JUDGE-Y. FOR THE SAKE OF HONESTY I INCLUDED IT.). He and I became friends because we share the same sense of humor and enjoy some of the same types of things like music and movies. We occasionally meet up for lunch and every week or two usually hang out for a bit or catch a movie together; occasionally our significant others are there too like for a concert or other activity. I have been careful not to be touchy or flirty with him as that would be inappropriate. He has said things to me like “… I consider you one of my closest friends. I have always felt comfortable and unguarded around you. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have felt that way about. I care for you very deeply and would do anything for you. If you ever need anything even if it is just someone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me day or night…”

    Several months ago he kissed me. I can’t say I didn’t ever think that could happen, but it did catch me off guard. I did make him stop and he later called me worried that he may have messed up our friendship. He apologized for doing that. I assured him that I wasn’t about to let that mess up our friendship. After that, things went back to normal. However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits. I called him later to ask him if he was serious about that. I didn’t think it was a good idea to just ignore the fact that he said that. He told me he had been thinking about that after he said it and that he didn’t think it would be good idea “at least not right now”. He told me that he cares about me a lot and that he worried it would change things between us. I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should. I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen. He said that doesn’t want to lose our friendship that’s why he thinks “for now we should stay just friends.”

    And now for my actual questions…

    Does he have deeper feelings for me than friendship or am I completely misinterpreting him? What does “at least not right now” and “for now we should stay just friends” mean? It’s like he’s saying he wants something more at some later date. Does he think something’s going to happen with us later? I’m so confused. But mostly, I’m worried about his feelings because if he thinks somethings going to happen with us at a later date and it doesn’t (because it can’t) I don’t want him to get hurt. <--EDIT: I am adding this - I'm not intending to go cheat on my husband. I'm genuinely asking a question about what this guy is thinking. I'd appreciate it if people actually stuck to answering my questions and not be all judge-y. Thanks.

    Last edited by dreamland1010; 03-13-2017 at 01:38 PM. Reason: So people know I'm not intending to go cheat on my husband. I'm genuinely asking a question.

     
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    Old 03-13-2017, 01:08 PM   #2
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Hi there. You wrote "Several months ago he kissed me. I canít say I didnít ever think that could happen," and "I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should" and "I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen."

    I am sorry, but basically you have led him on. He wants to hear that you are willing to be more than friends, and even though you added in "it cant happen", he isnt hearing it.

    You are putting yourself and your marriage in a dangerous situation. How would your husband react if you told him all this?

    You need to end this relationship. No friendship is worth this..and if he was really JUST your friend, he wouldnt be doing this to you. He is acting like 14 not 40. Pray your husband doesnt find out about this or you are going to have double the trouble...is this friendship worth arguing with your husband and losing his trust ? That is exactly where this is headed...
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    Old 03-13-2017, 01:32 PM   #3
    dreamland1010
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Noted.

    Please reread the second paragraph. I wrote things in the order in which they happened and were discussed.

    Thanks.

     
    Old 03-13-2017, 01:48 PM   #4
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    he's hedging his bets right now......I wouldn't be surprised if his marriage is falling apart and he's trying to plan for the future.......

     
    Old 03-13-2017, 01:53 PM   #5
    dreamland1010
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    he's hedging his bets right now......I wouldn't be surprised if his marriage is falling apart and he's trying to plan for the future.......
    Thanks for answering my question.

    He is in a relationship, but not married. I do see how this could be a possibility. He has expressed concern/unhappiness with his relationship at times.

     
    Old 03-13-2017, 02:03 PM   #6
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Hi there!

    Not at all being judgey here, but it sounds as though you are inadvertently leading this guy on with the things you are saying to him - which already oversteps the boundaries of a sacred marriage. Ask yourself if you could tell your husband the way you spoke to your friend - if you can't; then you know it is inappropriate.

    I had a friendship like this - my friend way overstepped his boundaries and showed his lack of respect not only for my marriage and husband, but for me too. I spoke to my husband about what had happened and ceased contact with my friend. Which was a great shame as we were "besties" in every sense of the word. I just didn't know his intentions for years until he acted upon them

    If you value your marriage, I would end the friendship.
    Best of luck!
    K.

     
    Old 03-13-2017, 02:15 PM   #7
    dreamland1010
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dragonfly Wings View Post
    Hi there!

    Not at all being judgey here, but it sounds as though you are inadvertently leading this guy on with the things you are saying to him - which already oversteps the boundaries of a sacred marriage. Ask yourself if you could tell your husband the way you spoke to your friend - if you can't; then you know it is inappropriate.

    I had a friendship like this - my friend way overstepped his boundaries and showed his lack of respect not only for my marriage and husband, but for me too. I spoke to my husband about what had happened and ceased contact with my friend. Which was a great shame as we were "besties" in every sense of the word. I just didn't know his intentions for years until he acted upon them

    If you value your marriage, I would end the friendship.
    Best of luck!
    K.

    Thanks for responding to my question and thanks for expressing your concerns kindly. I do see that in my very recent discussions with him how I could have led him on some. That was inappropriate, even if I was being honest with him.

    While I don't plan to end the friendship immediately, I am going to pull back a lot and definitely going to pay close attention to his words and actions. He has never, until now, been disrespectful to my marriage. I know he is struggling with things in his life and could be acting out in response to those things. Not an excuse, but a possibility... I just want to make sure that I don't throw away a friendship.

     
    Old 03-13-2017, 05:55 PM   #8
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Dreamland,
    I did re-read paragraph 2 and the context/ order that things happened. I didnt misunderstand you..I stand by my original answer., I apologize if you didnt like what I had to say.
    It appears that I am not the only one who feels this way...by telling him "I assured him that I wasnít about to let that mess up our friendship. After that, things went back to normal. However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits." He hasnt learned, and the reason he hasnt learned is because you havent been firm enough with him.
    I again ask you, what would your husband do if he found out about this? You have led him on more than once and until you stand firm that this is a friendship only- and that NO! You are not interested in the benefits part...he still has hope, hope which you gave him by saying "not at this time".

    I read your final post where you said you dont want to throw away a friendship...I would think long and hard about this...this "friendship" is not healthy and it has the potential to blow up your marriage....find a female friend who isnt a threat to you or your family, you'll be much happier in the long run.Again, apologies that you didnt like what I stated, but you asked for opinions and I am only sharing mine, based on seeing this story unfold before with a close friend...stories like this never have happy endings, Im sorry. I hope you get what you want out of this relationship and it never blows up on you.
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    Old 03-13-2017, 07:14 PM   #9
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    This friendship has crossed a line, and this line cannot be uncrossed. There is another, more sexual element present now and this has made the friendship very inappropriate. You must take measures to deal with this and that may mean the end of this close friendship. Take care, Sera

     
    Old 03-14-2017, 11:39 AM   #10
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Definitely things have crossed the line, and he's still fishing for a response. I suspect he won't stop unless you say that you are totally off limits. Boundaries on your part are not clear enough. This is a yes or no situation.....nothing more.

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    Old 03-14-2017, 01:33 PM   #11
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Sounds to me like he wants to go much further in your relationship than your willing to go.

    One kiss was a mistake but not the second one.

    If you value your marriage time to say no.

     
    Old 03-14-2017, 02:26 PM   #12
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
    Thanks for responding to my question and thanks for expressing your concerns kindly. I do see that in my very recent discussions with him how I could have led him on some. That was inappropriate, even if I was being honest with him.

    While I don't plan to end the friendship immediately, I am going to pull back a lot and definitely going to pay close attention to his words and actions. He has never, until now, been disrespectful to my marriage. I know he is struggling with things in his life and could be acting out in response to those things. Not an excuse, but a possibility... I just want to make sure that I don't throw away a friendship.

    You're welcome

    Maybe with absolute boundaries put in place and spoken out loud with one another you will be able to continue on as friends. I wouldn't be surprised if the dynamics change once he is fully made aware that you are without a doubt off limits though unfortunately You never know though

    All the best!
    K.

     
    Old 03-28-2017, 12:51 PM   #13
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Being married and having a "relationship" (not just friends) with the opposite sex is never a good idea. Men are programmed to procreate and when the nice conversation runs it's course other things come to mind.

     
    Old 03-29-2017, 09:09 AM   #14
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    Hi, I always thought that I would never have an affair while I was married but then I read a book that talked about emotional affairs and that I enjoyed the company or friendship of some men and started to fantasize in my mind. They never knew how I was feeling but I realized that I had a problem in my marriage and that I had better be careful and step away from my emotional affairs and concentrate on loving my husband. Just a thought. Best wishes. I also realized that no person can ever meet all of our needs.

     
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    Old 03-31-2017, 08:06 AM   #15
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    Re: What is he thinking?

    I think he's thinking that he would really love to have an affair with you, and indeed, in some ways, he is almost there already! You are, if not encouraging, then not exactly discouraging him either, and he is probably thinking "it's only a matter of time"! You have to either be totally blunt with him and tell him that you love your husband and value your marriage and that there is NO chance that the "friendship" is going any further, or you stop seeing him. If your husband becomes aware of the true nature of this friendship, you are going to have a lot of explaining to do. It is all too easy for a friendship to slip into a relationship that is too intimate and close, and that then becomes an affair that has the potential to destroy, if not your marriage, then the trust that your partner has in you.

     
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