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  • Fiance says he was never in love with me

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    Old 02-21-2018, 10:59 PM   #1
    SheSaidFace
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    Fiance says he was never in love with me

    I just need other people's opinions. I am coming to the internet because I can't talk about this to my friends or family. I am so lost and deeply hurt. I apologize in advancedfor how all over the place this is.

    My fiance and I live together. We have been together since 2011. This past October he started seeing an old friend again, coffee, dinner, etc.. They used to be best friends, dated when they were way younger but nothing serious. This friend of his is married and she seems to be happy with her husband.

    Since December my fiance has been sleeping over at her house a couple/few times a week, he will get home between 2am and 8am usually (her husband is always on the road for work.)

    My fiance and I haven't been getting along so well but other days it's great, like normal. Since December, I have cried every single day, almost all day. I've become very depressed. I've call off work numerous times because I can't function, I can't focus.

    The relationship between us is sometimes good and sometimes bad. We haven't been intimate since October. We will go to dinner and laugh and snuggle in bed. Then the next day he will be super distant and tell me he doesn't want me to touch him or be by him But then at night, he will snuggle me in bed. It's emotionally and mentally messing with me and I know this. But I love him. And I don't want to lose him.

    What he says/does is sometimes contradicting other stuff he says/does. (He says he is going to leave me once our lease is up, but then says when WE move out and into a new place, we will need a new bed, or couch)

    He says he isn't having sex with her, or anything like that, but recently I have found muliple pictures on his phone of her chest (bra was on) and pictures of her legs that she sends him via Snapchat and he screenshots them. My fiance and his friend don't text, they Snapchat (if you don't know what Snapchat is, messages disappear once the other person reads them).
    I asked him why she is sending those pictures and why he is saving them. He told me it's because he likes them.
    One day I was having a breakdown and asked him if he was still in love with me and he told me he was never in love with me. He says he has been with ne the past 7 years because it was just something to do.
    He later said that his friend has always been the one and that she is his "forever and never", he'll forever love her but never be with her. (She loves her husband and won't leave him.)
    I am so in love with him. I can't and don't want to lose him.
    I feel like he has been in love with me. We've been happy. Before he and her started seeing each other everything was fine, we were intimate, rarely had an argument. He told me he was in love with me.
    I don't know how to be alone. I don't want to lose him. I don't understand what I did wrong or why he is hurting me like this.
    What should I do? How can I show him that me, his fiance is in love with him and our relationship is good.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 07:15 AM   #2
    quincy
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    It's a harsh reality to have this said to you.

    My perspective...it's an ended relstionship and he is emotionally severed from you. Decision making time on your part, rebuild yourself emotionally through therapy if needed, regain your self-pride and never beg for another's affection....ever.

    Pretty much is spelled out plainly by your fiance.....there should be an ex to his title.

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    Last edited by quincy; 02-22-2018 at 07:18 AM.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 07:57 AM   #3
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    Dear SheSaid,

    First, sweetie, to have a healthy relationship we have to love and respect ourselves and others. You already know that man has no respect for marriage vows, because not only did he did not marry you but he is pursuing a married woman who has no intention of ever marrying him.

    I think you understand but just have not wanted to accept that the man you have been with is not friendship material much less commitment material. So, he says he is moving when the lease is up and you are wondering how to hold onto him? Honey, you don't and never did have him.

    You better find a place to move unless you can pay the cost of living where you're at. So have you been a fiance since 2011? When did he ask you to marry him, then didn't marry you? The other woman is playing with his sexual fantasies. Unfortunately, a lot of people fall for that. It makes him feel like the big man. Well, do you call that being a big man?

    The other woman doesn't even want commitment because both of them are players. Just being comfortable in a rut is not love. Love honors & respects oneself and other people. Love commits. Love doesn't play games; love doesn't cheat or demean others for any reason. He doesn't respect the other woman either. He doesn't care that she is married. He knows he doesn't have to make a commitment because she doesn't even want a commitment.

    People don't respect us any more than we respect ourselves. If you want your life to change, you have to change it yourself. You can choose to hang onto a sleazy cheat that has no commitment or self-respect and is making plans to move on his own, or you can make plans to move out on your own

    If you want love and commitment, first make that commitment to yourself. Then you will be content with yourself and you then can attract committed and loving people into your life. You might benefit from seeing a counselor to talk with to help you find out exactly why you have been calling any of that love.

    Love,
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 02-22-2018 at 08:03 AM.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 09:44 AM   #4
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. BUT you need to have him move out - or YOU move out- as soon as possible and start to pick up the pieces of your life.

    This guy isnt worth it....youve allowed your man to sleep at another woman's house, admit to you that he has always Loved her, seen pictures of her body on his phone and your still hoping that this is fixable? Its over...you just havent accepted it yet.

    Its a very terrible thing that he did to you....I am quite certain you did not deserve this...no one does...but the fact that it happened and you are still allowing him in your life ? Now its time to kick him to the curb and respect yourself....do not let this go on any longer. You deserve so much better.

    So sorry she wont leave her husband for your boyfriend....they deserve each other...but just because he cant have her WHY are you letting him settle?
    Kick him out now and reclaim some of your self respect...your nobodies second choice!
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    Old 02-22-2018, 09:51 AM   #5
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    I too have the feeling that you are hanging onto something that is not there. You need to be strong and respect yourself. It is his loss not yours. I know of women that think they can make someone love them by being a doormat. It doesn't happen. Men normally let you know who they are if you look. In this case he came right out and told you. Look at it as a chance to find someone who really loves you!!!! The first thing is to love yourself and that's all that matters. You don't need a man to be complete.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 11:20 AM   #6
    SheSaidFace
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    YaYagirl

    Im trying to come to terms that it's over but I cant. I'm 27. Been with him since I was 20. Been engaged since 2012, never married because I want a big wedding and we can't afford it.
    We have almost a year on our lease and no savings.

    Yes, I am comfortable, but I am in love with him. I don't know any different. I am not sure how I would ever find someone else at this age, with basically nothing. I'll be out on the streets if he leaves me before the lease is up or if I kick him out.
    I love him so much. I don't know how to be alone. I don't feel like I deserve this, but I also feel like if she just stopped this stuff, he'd love me again.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 11:22 AM   #7
    SheSaidFace
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    MSNik

    I just love him so much, I don't know how to accept it. I can't afford to kick him out or to have him move out before the lease is up. I don't know how to be alone. How can I ever find someone else to love me? I'm broken.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 11:24 AM   #8
    SheSaidFace
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    2ken

    Even with him telling me this, I still love him. I'm still in love with him. Seven years is a long time to just throw away. I an having a hard time loving myself when the person I love says he was never in love with me.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 04:51 PM   #9
    yayagirl
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    Dear SheSaid,

    You asked us for advice.
    What I see is that you want a man that is not even offering you crumbs.
    He told you he is leaving when the lease is up.

    When we respect someone we expect them to be good to us. You don't even expect respect, and you need to fix that faulty thinking in yourself before you get involved with anyone again. This fact has nothing to do with your age. It is a fact of life.

    You still have time before the lease is up to get a job, save money, and search for a living arrangement you can handle. People rent rooms. There are even hotels that rent to low income folks so you don't have to earn a lot of money. It's an adult's responsibility to take care of our own needs.

    It’s understandable that you feel hurt and want to be loved. From what you shared, you already know he does not love or want you. What he is doing is not love. The other woman is not making him do what he does. He likes what he does.

    You invested a lot in this creep, but demeaning yourself to him more will not make him appreciate you. Demeaning ourselves just gets us disrespect.

    Old maid at 27? What does that say about everyone that finds true love that are age 27 and older?

    My first husband cheated as often as he could before I realized what he was doing. We also had a child that he never wanted to see after I divorced him. He simply was a user that had no capacity to love. I met my second husband at age 29. We were friends for five years because we were in no rush to get involved. We have now been married almost 36 years. This is just one of billions of examples out there that your life begins when YOU make a decision to treat yourself right.

    Are you also paying toward the rent ? You have legal entanglement if your name is on the lease or utilities. If you don't make plans you will be left homeless. He is not taking care of you now and will not be taking care of you later.

    What he does is abuse and has nothing to do with love. I think you know that. Really you need to get help dealing with your low self- image. We each have to put the grown-up pants on and take care of our own well-being. Unless we take care of our own responsibilities we only attract users and losers and abusers.

    It’s your choice to make.
    I think you know this and are just sad about all the wasted time. Wanting to sit in the self-pity puddle is normal. But give yourself 15 minutes for that then get up, dust yourself off and take care of your own life.

    I can say you deserve it. But no one can give you self-respect. It’s up to you to respect yourself.

    What do you choose?

    Love,
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 02-22-2018 at 04:57 PM.

     
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    Old 02-22-2018, 11:23 PM   #10
    SickNtired08
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    Smile Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    Dear Shesaid,
    I understand how difficult it can be to just "throw away" a long-term relationship, but Honey, the longer you are in that "relationship"..the more time you are wasting. Its time to except that your relationship is over and once you do you can move on. Sometimes, Love just isn't enough. He doesn't love you, that says it all. So its time to love yourself and pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off and start making the necessary plans to take care of yourself. You need a job (if you don't have one) save up some money, ask friends or family if you can rent a room or find an affordable apartment in the newspaper while you save money for a bigger/better place. You need to find a new place to live and leave him, its not a healthy environment for you and once you do you can start rebuilding your-self worth. You don't have to be the victim...if there is anything that I have learned while on the this Earth is that a relationship should build you up..not tear you down! It should bring out the best in you and not your worst. Please love yourself enough to get out of that relationship!

     
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    Old 02-23-2018, 01:50 AM   #11
    MSNik
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    You can do this. Kick him out....advertise for a roommate OR break the lease and let them come after BOTH of you for the difference. Who is on the lease? Bot of you I hope...

    As far as not finding someone...I was 32 when I got married... 3 kids and 14 years later, I am very happy. There is still plenty of time!

    You want what you cant have...what you DO have is a cheating, lying man who doesnt love or want you....He wants someone else and as soon as you wrap your head around that you will move on to the next step which is anger.

    Forget feeling sorry for yourself (7 years of wasted time, not a long time) and start believing that you are worth more than you think you are worth..

    I dont think you are going to hear what you want to hear...you are going to hear the truth. Its time to accept this is over and figure out how to move on. Your man is two timing you, doesnt love you and wants out..
    Now, its up to you to figure out how to move forward without him because it IS going to happen just as soon as he can make it happen. If she told him to move in with her tomorrow, he would be gone..if her husband finds out she has a guy spending the night while He is on the road, she is going to be homeless too...is this really the way you want to live your life?

    Please start reading ads for roommates...look for a plan before you are forced to do something spur of the moment...you have to prepare yourself.

    good luck!
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    Old 02-23-2018, 05:03 AM   #12
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    I'm going to be 44 this year. And I literally just started a relationship a couple of weeks ago with a man who is everything I've ever been looking for. It's never too late to find love.

    You're not even 30 yet! You need to dump this cheating, lying loser and spend some time on your own before looking for anyone new. Don't ever let yourself become a doormat to keep a guy.

    Last edited by Administrator; 03-01-2018 at 10:18 PM.

     
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    Old 02-23-2018, 08:00 AM   #13
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    SheSaidFace,

    From his perspective living together simply represents a convenient living arrangement. From his perspective he's not doing anything wrong because he never promised to exclude the friendship of another women. From his perspective he's not breaking any wedding vows because there were no wedding vows. From his perspective falling in love wasn't part of this living-together arrangement.

    Living together falls under the heading of "free love" and part of the definition of free love is that there is no ongoing obligation. And free love includes sex, so if he has everything he wants, where is the motivation for him to get married? If he hasn't married you after all these years, it's very likely that it will never happen.

    You received a lot of good information and now it's up to you to decide what you will do. Best of luck to you for a happier future.

    Last edited by JohnR41; 02-23-2018 at 08:24 AM.

     
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    Old 02-23-2018, 12:40 PM   #14
    SheSaidFace
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    YaYagirl

    He broke up with me yesterday afternoon. Said he is done.
    We both pay the bills, half if everything.
    He said he will move into our office and I'll have the bedroom.
    I have a lot of saving to do.
    A lot of ramen will be eaten.
    I'm so hurt and so lost. I'm trying to get by big girl pants on and not have a pity party but it's so hard. Loving someone, being In Love with them for seven years and then poor, like it never happened.

     
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    Old 02-23-2018, 12:43 PM   #15
    SheSaidFace
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    Re: Fiance says he was never in love with me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MSNik View Post
    You can do this. Kick him out....advertise for a roommate OR break the lease and let them come after BOTH of you for the difference. Who is on the lease? Bot of you I hope...

    As far as not finding someone...I was 32 when I got married... 3 kids and 14 years later, I am very happy. There is still plenty of time!

    You want what you cant have...what you DO have is a cheating, lying man who doesnt love or want you....He wants someone else and as soon as you wrap your head around that you will move on to the next step which is anger.

    Forget feeling sorry for yourself (7 years of wasted time, not a long time) and start believing that you are worth more than you think you are worth..

    I dont think you are going to hear what you want to hear...you are going to hear the truth. Its time to accept this is over and figure out how to move on. Your man is two timing you, doesnt love you and wants out..
    Now, its up to you to figure out how to move forward without him because it IS going to happen just as soon as he can make it happen. If she told him to move in with her tomorrow, he would be gone..if her husband finds out she has a guy spending the night while He is on the road, she is going to be homeless too...is this really the way you want to live your life?

    Please start reading ads for roommates...look for a plan before you are forced to do something spur of the moment...you have to prepare yourself.

    good luck!
    He broke up with me yesterday afternoon.
    He is on the lease but all the bills are in my name. He said he'll stay til the lease is up and move into the office.
    I guess that's good.
    I thought I could fix it but like others have said, can't make someone stay, can't make someone love you.

    I appreciate your advice.

     
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