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  • Girlfriend Slept With Someone Else ...

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    Old 03-17-2018, 01:53 PM   #1
    humbleandkind
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    Girlfriend Slept With Someone Else ...

    I am recently divorced and just started dating a new girl. We've been together for only 4 months. She is very insecure and has a lot of issues with abandonment. But I feel like I am very much in love with her and she has said the same. We've had a whirlwind relationship and it has been incredible. A few weeks ago I was extremely sick and wasn't affectionate. She left my place and then called me out to talk to her in her car. I told her she was being controlling and wanted to go back to bed. She asked what I was saying and what I wanted to do. I said I just wanted to go to sleep, kissed her and walked away.

    Long story short, she left and called another guy on her way home (a guy she had met before that had a crush on her but she thought was repulsive). They went to dinner. I was texting with her the whole time (not knowing she was at dinner with another guy) and we ended up breaking up. She ended up going home with the guy and having sex with him. Then slept at his house and had sex again the next morning.

    The next day after he dropped her off, she texted me saying she was heartbroken and wanted to stay with me. I at first said I didn't think it was a good idea (I found out later that me saying it was over for good caused her to text him a smiley face). Long story short, we ended up getting back together a few hours later and she slept with me that night.

    We were looking at her phone that night and her best friend just happened to text her "Don't tell him about what's his face." I asked her about it and she tried to lie at first. She ended up coming clean and telling me a not so truthful version of what happened (that she was "drunk and taken advantage of"). Come to find out after asking for way too many details, that she was angry at me and just wanted to get over me. She was an active participant and enjoyed it, but only to the extent that it was "random sex" but said that the sex itself wasn't that good and that what we have is way better. Basically it was just sex without any emotions involved since she didn't really know the guy.

    She has been extremely apologetic and sad and regrets what she did. And I truly believe that she regrets her actions. I know this isn't how she really is. But I can't seem to get the whole act out of my head. Especially now that I know more details then I think I was prepared to handle.

    I do really love her. I really don't want to break up and I do feel like I can trust that she will never do it again. But I don't know how to get over this feeling. And I don't know why she would do it again in the morning.

     
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    Old 03-17-2018, 03:20 PM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Girlfriend Slept With Someone Else...

    Dear humbleandkind,

    I'm sorry you are in that mess. Hon, a healthy minded person would have respected your wishes. Regret is easy. Making healthy and honest choices requires being a healthy and honest person. First, we have to get healthy ourselves. Neediness is not healthy.

    Likewise you need to have boundaries, such as saying no thanks to anyone that ignores your stated wishes. That is how we learn who respects us and themselves. It is never a compliment when others disrespect themselves or us. Feelings for someone that treats us like that is not love, not from her to you or you to her. Think about what was wrong in your marriage and think about how the things you described are similar to your past.

    if I dated someone that turned and got involved sexually with someone I would know I need to do a fact check on the type of person I was attracted to, and do some work on myself. Fresh out of a failed marriage is not a time to be naive. The ink on the divorce paper is hardly dry and you are putting yourself out there without dealing with what you contributed to the divorce. We may think that trusting someone we hardly know is being kind or nice when it really is just being naive.

    After a divorce we need to take the time off from seeking partners to learn what we did to contribute to ending up divorced, and fix our own judgement in ourselves. It doesn't matter what your former partner had done wrong, we still need to fix what attracts us to inappropriate and untrustworthy people. Your decisions appear to be very naive and inappropriately trusting and not able to make a healthy choice about a potential partner (not even dating, and definitely not about intimate involvement). The idea of separating from someone is to fix our own selves. We have no power to change anyone else.

    If you still go for what you usually are attracted to, then expect the same results until you fix your own self. Of course you can do whatever you want, but being here it seems that you might be seeking advice, right? I suggest that you get your hand out of the fire until you get some understanding about what is wrong with your judgement of other people's character. Having good clear judgment requires knowing someone a long time before getting intimate or making any sort of commitment. My suggestion is that you get some counseling and fix yourself so you can make better choices. So far it seems you have not been in a committed relationship. Now is your chance to grow so you can have good boundaries while you are not in a committed relationship.

    Respect yourself and you will attract those who respect you too. Ignore healthy choices and that's how we will get treated.
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 03-17-2018 at 03:28 PM.

     
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    Old 03-18-2018, 06:04 AM   #3
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    Re: Girlfriend Slept With Someone Else ...

    Hi there. I have allot of things which come to mind after reading this but the first and most important are two things:

    You dont get involved with someone after a divorce...you need to work on yourself first and get over your marriage...there is NO WAY that you can give someone love and commitment when you are in that "head space".

    Second, you dont fall in love with someone in 4 months. You are barely just getting to know someone in that time. This was a rebound relationship, which is fine to have...but it is not love.


    During those 4 months while you were getting to know this girl, you learned quite a few things....a. she is not respecting your boundaries B. she is hateful...to sleep with someone to get back at you is not a very nice thing to do. and C. this isnt someone you want in your life long term.

    Take what you leaned and move on. Write her off like a bad check...it was HER loss that she screwed up the relationship...but honestly, you are not ready for one. Until you can respect yourself enough to realize that this is a terrible way to be treated and you are worth more than this- you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. Certainly not someone who treats you badly. (and she did.)

    Give yourself time to heal both from your marriage and this mistake...go out in groups or with the guys.....forget love for awhile and try to make friends. Remember, you dont know someone in 4 months...it usually takes a year or so of being around someone to see their true colors. In that time you will either like what you see or see warning signs, but until you give yourself that amount of time, leave love out of it.

    You both made big mistakes in this one....but this isnt fixable. If she treated you like this once, it will happen again. Count on that. But, its not entirely her fault...you need to feel good about you and be responsible for your own actions. Once you get yourself straight approach the next woman in your life carefully...if she is worth it, taking the time to learn that will be your best bet!
    Good luck..
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    Old 03-18-2018, 11:16 AM   #4
    quincy
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    Re: Girlfriend Slept With Someone Else ...

    Don't become an enabler or codependent in what seems to be a very dysfunctional relationship.

    Make your own boundaries very clear, and with being in this with someone for 4 months, you may be in love.....but question your own needs and what they are doing to shape the relationship.

    My perspective through experience.....if you relax your boundaries after someone has betrayed you, you are willingly involved in the continued betrayal since it's more likely trust won't be as it was before.

    A needy person will suck you dry....the more you give, the more emotionally broke you will be. Don't give freely what you need for your own self-preservation and self dignity.

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