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  • Mother's victim mentality

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    Old 06-10-2018, 07:14 PM   #1
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    Yellowroses23 HB User
    Mother's victim mentality

    I was hoping someone could help me work out how to deal with my mother's victim mentality. I've been patient my whole life with it, but now its pushing me away. No matter what she is involved in, she's the victim of someone. It started off that she was the victim of my father's abuse. I never heard him raise his voice once. Then my grandmother (her mother) became the target and my mother would raise things that happened 60 years ago. When she was working she alienated herself from the women she worked with and claimed she was being picked on. She currently volunteers at our local church however she became the "victim" of one of the other volunteers, to the point where my mother threatened to commit suicide because of the way she was being treated.
    Now she has moved on to family members. She goes to lunch each Sunday with them, and everytime she comes home she rings me and tells me how bad they treated her. For example, if my sister shows someone something on her phone, my mother will complain that she's never shown anything. If they talk about alcohol or anything she finds slightly offensive (she's a massive prude), she complains about that. She complains that no one talks to her at lunch and they all pick on her.... despite my Aunty paying for an international trip for my mother last year because she wanted to go to Rome and couldn't afford it herself.
    And the illnesses - oh my goodness. In the past 4 weeks its been skin cancer (apparently so bad it nearly spread to her brain??), a heart problem, high cholesterol, female problems, and a "bad" fall. And that's just the past 4 weeks...
    She rang last night and told me she was mad at my uncle for something he said 40 years ago.... she was so mad at him she was going to ring him and tell him off. My aunty has offered to cook some meals for my sister because she's super busy at the moment - according to my mother thats my aunty taking over. I know its not the right reaction, but I lost it. I told her to get over her complaining and whinging that she was driving me mad, and I don't have the capacity at the moment to deal with it. I feel bad. she is alone and I know loneliness can play with your head. What do I do? If you take her out she ends up abusing people in shops and cafes. help!! And TIA.

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    Old 06-11-2018, 04:41 AM   #2
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    Re: Mother's victim mentality

    Your mother sounds like a very unhappy person. I am sorry you are dealing with this. In my family, it is my grandmother who sounds exactly like your mom...the sad story is that none of us speak to her any longer. I am not saying this is the right thing to do, but after trying everything, it was the only thing we could do.

    We tried to talk to her. We tried getting her involved in clubs.. We tried taking her to the doctor for antidepressents..we tried counseling with individual family members and for her alone...we moved her into an independent living so that she could be around allot of people her age. At this point, we are grateful that she lives where help is available and she is eating three meals a day. When she complains to them to the extent where they take her to the hospital, we show up to make sure she is okay....this has happened 7 times since the first of the year. So far, all of her "issues" have been in her head. The hospital has put her on medication to try to help...she isnt taking it and the independent living center will not force her to do so.

    You could tell your mom that she is going to end up alone without any support (use my story if you want) but there really is nothing else you can do besides trying some of the not let her ruin YOUR life.. if everyone stops listening- she wont have anyone to complain to any longer...but before it gets to that point, maybe a trip to her doctor is in order?

    Good luck. I feel for you...
    RRMS- dx 05

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    Old 06-11-2018, 09:42 AM   #3
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    Re: Mother's victim mentality

    Dear Yellowroses,

    I'm sorry you have those burdens and disappointments, hon. From my own frame of reference I firmly believe that victim mentality starts from having been victimized, maybe from a very early age, even as an infant, even in the womb because babies feel where the mother is at about them, and regardless of appearances how we cope with that is not just simple self-centeredness. There is nothing simple about it. The only one we can change is ourselves. You can change how you look at her problems and how you deal with them.

    We human beings all only come from where we come from. It is not always a pretty picture. We all want to be comfortable and for others to accept us the way we are and to think we are special. But we can get stuck in a negative place from experiences that affect our entire life. I know because desperation made me turn and face my past to learn what had crippled me so I could learn to live with it and in spite of it.

    We need to understand that we can only fix our own attitude. We cannot fix others. It is not your job to fix mother. It is your job to understand you don't know her demons and also to let mom know you love her and you understand that things in her life have hurt and have disappointed her, and that you wish you could make her feel better but you can't fix the past or what other people did or do and then it's up to you to change the subject.

    You can learn to say 'what happy things can we think of now', and change the subject. It takes a very positive minded person to be able to do that. It took me a very long time to learn how to do it, myself. I was not so positive minded, myself. You can say look at those clouds! Look at those flowers and ask what her favorite flowers are, favorite colors, etc. You can direct attention off her or your own self. Understandably you want to limit contact with someone that damaged.

    I didn't have a good relationship with my mother due to her mental illness. But after I came understood what she went through as a child I learned to not dwell on myself, and to care for her and I learned to direct her thoughts to pleasant things in the here and now. My mother was permanently damaged by severe abuse in her very early years and was disdained and called a damn fool by her ten years older sister for 'letting it happen'. None of my mother's past was known until she was in her 70's when that door began to crack open. It was after MY father was long passed away that we began to learn that when we were small kids he had been staying out all night to gamble and learned of his many girl-friends. One of my sisters was named after one of his girlfriends and that was not revealed to us until long after his passing. Do we really believe they were just friends? No. It was a wonder my mother had any sanity at all. But we adored our dad and had to learn to understand and forgive both mother and father.

    It's easy to judge I think it best to acknowledge that you cannot know your mom's private experience or your father's. That you do not experience or see it doesn't mean nothing wrong ever happened.

    My father seemed like a perfectly wonderful guy and he never harmed me. That was MY relationship and I have great memories of him. My mother and oldest sister had other experiences with him. The oldest sister to this day lives alone because she is so freaked by a tiny bit of someone else's dirt or discomfort. She is that damaged by her past.

    Facing my own demons that have interfered with my life gave me insight about how the mind works. I am OK because I faced my past and I know it is the past. We truly don't know what damaged anyone. I think we need to stop judging or trying to figure others out. We need to let go of the past. Until we do that we can't love damaged people in the present.

    Does anyone ever just say to mom, oh, that's too bad (or terrible) that happened! then change the subject? Or is she treated like she's a bother and too much trouble?

    Just sharing a different take on it.
    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 06-11-2018 at 12:37 PM. Reason: re-worded, used wrong word

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