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We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!


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Old 08-09-2018, 09:45 PM   #1
nori88
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We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!

I met this guy through a mutual friend. I was 24 and he was 25 at the time. I had no luck in relationships and he was on a break from a 6 year relationship. He opened up about his situation fairly early on: he met his ex at 16, introduced her to his parents, they planned their future together but then lost the spark, so they decided to take a break in-order to come back together later. When we met, we agreed to a casual relationship. I didn't agree until I realized that I really enjoyed his company and talking to him.

We kept this secret-casual relationship up for 4 years, fell in love with each other along the way, and now we're stuck. I tried on many attempts to leave. I'd get into relationships with other people but no one could compare to Davi. He tried to go back to his ex whenever I left as well, only to come back to me saying it's just not the same with her anymore since he's met me. He said he has a better connection with me.

Now fast forward to Nov/Dec of 2017. His parents are pushing him to get married. He gets into a shouting match with his parents, saying "why won't you let me do what I want to do!". His mom starts crying and he eventually tells them he's okay with whatever they decide. So they arrange his wedding to be August 31st, 2018. He and his ex have already confessed they don't feel the same for each other anymore, but they have been trying to make it work for their parents. She's been doing everything she possibly can, but he told me all he can see from her are the negatives because he's in love with me.

We tried to end "us" on many occasions, both sinking into deep depression, only to come back to each other time and time again. He even went as far as saying, "This pre-wedding photoshoot feels like the beginning of our marriage and I need to commit 100%. I will forget you. Take care", only to come back contacting me like crazy to say he spent 5 days with his "fiance" and even kissing her but not feeling a thing. He told me there were so many times he wanted to just leave, but he felt so guilty because her/his family are extremely happy about this union. He told me their pre-wedding photos look like they're the happiest couple, but it couldn't be farther from the truth.

We've even entertained the idea of an affair several times, but we both know that'll just end up being a painful path for everyone. I've prayed since I fell in love with him, that there can be some way for us to be together. I stopped praying once he agreed to the wedding. But for some reason, I've regained my faith and I have started to pray every night - even when ALL odds are against us. Praying that the almighty and all-powerful God can make the impossible possible and help me to believe in love again. Praying that he will find the strength to back-out before it's too late. He entertains the idea of divorcing, but I know it's not that easy, and he'll eventually just be stuck in a marriage that may or may not make him happy.

What am I to do?

Last edited by Administrator; 08-09-2018 at 10:40 PM.

 
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Old 08-10-2018, 07:53 AM   #2
MSNik
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Re: We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!

Walk away...I hate to say it, but if he loved you that much he wouldn't be marrying another woman.

At this point you are second in his life and (hopefully) you have higher standards than that. You have always been the other woman and if you continue this relationship you will not only still be second - but the home wrecker who is going to ruin many people's lives. Walk away gracefully. Tell him if he gets divorced to call you.

Stop trying to convince yourself he loves you...because if he truly did, he would not be marrying someone else. Sorry you probably do not want to hear that but honestly...can you put yourself in her shoes? Dont be the one who screws up everyone's lives....if you walk away now, there is always the chance he will come back when he is free and clear. And, as the saying goes...if he doesnt, he was never yours to begin with.
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Old 08-10-2018, 08:18 AM   #3
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Re: We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!

Dear nori,

It is my opinion that you go into deep depression when you two are apart from your secret relationship indicates desperate co-dependence, not 'true love'. True love is out in the open for everyone to see. True love does not tear us down or cause misery.

It seems more like this guy is all about his family and likes something extra on the side. If that is not so, then he is incredibly immature to marry to please mother and father rather than his one true love. What I am saying is this guy is not acting anything like someone in love with you.

And, you are not showing any self-respect when you accept a secret relationship. You tell yourself that it is romantic. But to me it seems like raw co-dependence on your part and that the guy is really just a user, Why else would an adult play around about who he is going to marry. This is 2018, not the dark ages when children were owned by parents.

The fact is you only know what he tells you. You don't know what he tells his parents or what he tells the other woman. The fact is this guy is clearly not a child, and clearly is doing what he chooses. What he chooses is to feed you a bunch of lines and to use you while he makes plans for marriage with another woman.

If we want to be treated with value and respect we have to first treat ourselves with value and respect. You need to tell the creep to stay away from you since he does not value you enough to introduce you to his family as the one woman that he loves. Then please get some help to find out why you have so little self-respect that you would accept a secret and fake relationship. The guy is getting sex from you with no real love or decency.

That, my dear, is not called love. As for him, he is a user. It looks like addiction on your part.
There is nothing romantic about it

No one can convince you of anything. But you do need to get some psychological help to find out why you are so desperate to accept that kind of relationship and where you got the idea that deception and side sex is love, why you would allow anyone to use you like that, and why you would use your self like that.

Love,
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Last edited by YaYagirl; 08-10-2018 at 08:52 AM.

 
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Old 08-10-2018, 09:19 AM   #4
nori88
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Re: We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!

But not everyone marries for love. I think it's important to convey that we come from different cultures. His culture is very strict about marrying someone from the same background. I think his parents emotionally black-mailed him because 1st he found depression pills by his father's bedside & he thought he gave his father depression, then his mom started crying when they got in a shouting match which led him to finally say "ok". If he backs out of this wedding now, his parents will kick him out. He's never lived away from home - it's part of his culture.

My counselor has told me that from what I've shared with her, it does sound like two people that were in love. But it's a tale as old as time, she said, where some people get married but they're in love with someone else. On top of that, there are many people who are married & really should be divorced but aren't because they've gotten comfortable with their lifestyle & community.

My counselor shared that during couples therapy, one women got up & angrily left. In that moment, the man finally admitted he had been having an affair & is in love but found it unfair to his wife to leave her. So he dropped the affair & stayed in a miserable marriage.

His fiance wants them to do counseling right after they marry & he's told me he plans to lie the entire time - never admitting the real reason why he hesitated on getting back together with her for so long. At the same time, they'll be working on trying to get the spark back.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-10-2018 at 10:21 AM.

 
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Old 08-10-2018, 09:45 AM   #5
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Re: We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!

There you go, nori,

Admittedly you know that marriage is not always about being 'in love'. This is true in all cultures. Marriage many times is for blood lines, finances, societal prestige or other reasons. Those are widely accepted reasons for marriage.

The issue is you knew that he did not choose you over his parents' opinions and you still chose to be in the position of a secret side relationship.

Regardless the culture or customs, the kind of relationship you have with that man is not about genuine respect, true friendship, or love, in my opinion. You may think your relationship is romantic and about true love, but to me, a secret relationship is not at all about love. Sexual attraction is not necessarily proof of love. He tells you that he is lying to his parents and her, but the one that seems to be getting the lies so you will keep giving him sex while he marries someone else is you.

You call it lying, but the truth is you know he plans to make it work with the person he plans to marry. There is nothing wrong with that. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would marry you, not her.
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Last edited by YaYagirl; 08-10-2018 at 09:50 AM.

 
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Old 08-17-2018, 01:41 PM   #6
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Re: We're in love with each other, but he's getting married this month!

walk away.....do you really want a man who is afraid to tell his parents the truth? do you really want a man who blindly does whatever his parents want?
he's a mama's boy and he's being dishonest with EVERYONE including himself.....walk away girl, chin up, you dodged a bullet!

 
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