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  • I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

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    Old 01-04-2019, 03:49 PM   #1
    PixiePainter
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    Unhappy I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    Long story short, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. We had a rollercoaster relationship.

    We have always fought constantly, and yet always tried to fix it to no avail. When we lived together it was abusive in every way (emotionally, financially, physically, sexually in a mental way) due to a lot of factors. We both started drinking too much and had a lot of personal stress in both our lives. We both don't drink like that anymore and the abuse got better, but still some is there emotionally. We always try to work on things, but I've finally had enough (hopefully)

    My questions is, how do I not go back to him when he is the only person I have in my life? He was my best friend before I lost all my friends, but now he literally is my ONLY person. I lost everyone and everything. I lost my business. My drive. Myself. Just everything. I do have family who is supportive but they don't understand that I am still heartbroken over this despite it being the right choice. They expect me to be okay, they stopped liking him after a while and are glad he's gone. and I feel so alone that it scares me.

    I'm ashamed to reach out because the times I have, I've ended up going back to him and lost more respect from the people around me. Most of these people were not real friends to begin with so I am just LOST. I don't seem to be good at picking good people to be around, and now I'm so low I don't think I could make friends even if I wanted to. I feel I have nothing to offer or talk about since I lost everything. I'm so scared of the outside world that I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm at such a loss. I don't even want to go back to therapy because none of it has helped me. I'm just looking for a little support today, I feel like I'm going crazy.

     
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    Old 01-04-2019, 06:16 PM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    You mentioned therapy...if your therapist wasn't making you feel supported or better, can you find a new one?

    Next, it is time to make new friends. Go take a class at the local community college or even most high schools have adult education. It doesn't have to be for a degree- just something that interests you...a new language, or a cooking or dance class- whatever it is where you can meet new people. Join a gym- nothing feels better than working up a sweat and if you join a woman's dance class or women's gym, you'll be sure to make some new friends. Some of my closest friends started out as women I met at a gym a few years ago... Of course if you join a co-ed gym, you might be able to meet a man who would be better for you! (wink)

    You are allowed to mourn the loss of a relationship, but you should also be accelerating that you no longer have to feel like you are not worth anything. No one needs to be in a relationship which is abusive. You stayed by choice, now you left by choice (good for you!)...take some time to feel the loss, but move forward, not backward!
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    Old 01-04-2019, 06:37 PM   #3
    PixiePainter
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    Re: I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    Thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea what it means to me. I was considering looking into some hiking groups because I used to do a lot of hiking before all of this and I dont feel comfortable doing it alone anymore. Or some art classes. Though I'm terrified of big groups of people and being judged. My entire life the past 4 years has been judged by everyone close to me. I don't know how I made it through. But I am proud to still be here. I'm wrecked from this. I've never been afraid of people like this before. Just totally do NOT want to be seen AT ALL.

     
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    Old 01-05-2019, 03:43 AM   #4
    MSNik
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    Re: I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    Pixie, DO IT. Sign up for a hiking club...you can be around people but you don't have to talk to anyone unless you want to....chances are someone will come up to you and start conversation and it will be an ice breaker. Same with an art club or painting class- you are in your own bubble in that sort of thing, but people are around...the longer you are around people, the more familiar they will become and when you are ready- you can approach them or talk to them....maybe a bunch of them will go out for coffee after class or even just walking to your car someone will start a conversation. Its a great way to ease back into it. Remember, everyone there (in both groups) will share a common interest. You do not have to talk about your life, talk about why you are there and what the hike/ class was like...

    Once you do this a few times you will start to feel better. PROMISE!

    Being alone is why you feel like you do right now...you HAVE to get out there to get past how you are feeling now. Only you can do this.

    Be proud of yourself. Dont look back, only forward!
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    Old 01-05-2019, 08:24 AM   #5
    yayagirl
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    Re: I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    Dear PixiePainter,

    When we lose ourselves it is easy to enmesh into where others are at. The problem is that even if the other person seems stable, enmeshing never helps us get grounded.

    Whether or not the other person remains in our life after we do get grounded, each of us always needs to become grounded within ourselves. So, in my opinion, yes, break up if that's what you want to do, but don't fall into believing the other person is the problem. If we have relational or boundary issues, it is our own problem.

    I suggest that before getting involved with more people you don't know, try sitting in on a support group and just listen to the sharing. There are free groups out there, run by trained leaders. I benefited a lot from going to a local abuse support group for females. Just listening helped me see my own inner stumbling blocks so I could see my self more clearly. I discovered I had been very dependent on what I perceived that others thought of me, and that I needed to build my own self-respect, which meant making different decisions for my self than I had been making.

    The only person we can change is our self.
    I believe that your former boyfriend is and was not your problem, and so going back with him or staying away from him, neither way will resolve anything for you. It is hard work to take responsibility for ourselves and to learn to stand on our own two feet. We need relationships with others, but that takes being honest about who we are and why we are there.

    The more you believe it and let others know that the previous boyfriend did not cause your personal problems, the more free you will be to make healthier decisions for your own self. That includes whether to let that guy back into your life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and had messed up relationships until I took charge of myself, began to understand where I was coming from and began to take responsibility for my own self, emotions and choices.

    It takes brutal self-honesty and self-responsibility to make that change. No person is perfect at it. But if you are ready to began the work of changing your perspective your life will change for the better, I know by experience.

    It really is not about the other people in your life. It's all about you being the type of person you want to be around.

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    Old 01-09-2019, 01:30 PM   #6
    rosequartz
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    Re: I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    enjoy your solitude....start learning to enjoy your own company.
    It will be peaceful.....no arguing, no fighting.....you can do what you want when you want......eat what you want, sleep when you want.....you don't have to compromise on anything! You need to do something for YOU, go get a pedicure, go shopping, do something you enjoy. You ask how not to let him back, how not to get sucked back in......here is how....you need to build up your resistance, it's like when your resistance is low and you get sick.....a germ got in. Build up your self-esteem resistance and you will have an easier time fending off toxins....

     
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    Old 02-04-2019, 08:29 AM   #7
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    Re: I have no support. Feeling lost and scared.

    Rollercoaster relationships are the worst, as they aren't obviously terrible enough to leave and the swings in emotion become almost addictive. The good times seem REALLY good because you compare them to the bad moments. Rather than a healthy relationship where you aren't fighting on and off. So being aware of that 'addiction' and reminding yourself when you consider going back yet again is a start.

    Then take some time out to rediscover who you are. Too many people panic after they become single and jump straight into the first relationship that comes along. Normally this is the same type of person as your ex, because you haven't had time to change as a person, you still give off signals that attract a certain type of person, and you haven't developed the skills neccessary to identify people like this. So stop and regroup. Join some groups/meet ups for activities you enjoy. With no other goal except enjoying that activity. Think back to when you were younger (before your relationship) and who you were as a person, what you enjoyed, what you wanted in life. Focus on that. Write it all down.

    Strength train. It sounds weird, but exercising and building up your muscles (you don't have to get huge) will have a similar effect on your mind. Take up kickboxing, martial arts, weight lifting, whatever for a few months. It doesn't have to be permanent. But it will get you in a stronger frame of mind (as well as doing wonders for your body as a nice bonus).

    Join a support group where you can talk to other people who have left an abusive relationship. They will have gone through similar experiences and will understand you better than any therapist.

    Take care : )

     
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