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  • Husbands new friend

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    Old 01-29-2019, 12:13 PM   #1
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    Husbands new friend

    My husband and I separated in November and earlier this month we decided to try to reconcile. We have 1 child together and I am 5 months pregnant with our second child.

    I found out that while we were separated for that month and half that my husband started what he says is a friendship with a woman that he met through work but he does not actually work with.

    He used to talk about her a bit before we separated. He would talk to her about a tv show they both watched but as far as I know it was only when he would see her for work. When we separated he told her that we were separated and she started sending him text messages. He says he did not directly give her his phone number that she got it off her work phone. He showed me some of the texts and they were flirty but not overly so. I do feel from reading the texts that she is romantically interested in him but the conversations I read were not sexual just kind of flirty. He wrote her texts about me calling me “baggage” and told her that he was dissapointed about the gender of our unborn baby. Then he asked her if he could use her address for his car insurance because it would be cheaper for him. She agreed and said something like “is this a gateway to actually living with each other”. I found this very unsettling and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. His mail is still going to her house. Just a few days ago I saw a text from him that said something like “hey girlie, I’ll come by (her work) later and pick up my mail”.

    I explained to my husband that I am not comfortable with him having his mail sent to another woman’s address even if it is saving him $200 a month. I also explained that their friendship is unsettling to me. He calls her his “work friend” but they send texts about things that have nothing to do with work and they do not work together he just sometimes goes to her work to pick up a product he needs for his work. They call each other on the phone. He goes to visit her at work and talk even when he has no professional reason to see her on that particular day. He tells me that he is not attracted to her at all but she is a single woman who in my opinion he is flirting with and is using her address. He told me that he does feel that she flirts with him and that she is romantically interested in him but he doesn’t feel the same way about her and thinks of her as “one of the guys”.

    My husband came with me to an ultrasound appointment a couple of weeks ago and she called him while we were out together. He answered on speaker phone and he told her that he was with me and she asked “so you are back together with your wife? A happy family?” And he said “I don’t know if we are happy but we are working on things”. She said “I am happy for you” but sounded disappointed and they ended their conversation. He feels that I should be satisfied with this. That he told her that we are working on getting back together and I should just move on.

    I went awhile without bringing anything up. I don’t check his phone but as far as I know they are continuing their friendship and his mail is still going to her address. I finally got to a point that I just can’t accept this and I don’t want him to continue his friendship with her and I want him to stop communicating with her for any purpose other than work and change his address back. I tried to tell him this. I explained how it made me really uncomfortable and if we were going to work on our marriage and be a family I don’t want this friendship to continue. At first he told me that I was overreacting that he loves me, wants to be with me that he is 100% committed to me and is not romantically interested in this other woman in any way but a friendship. I told him that it’s not ok with me and either he changes his address and stops texting/calling and vistiting this woman at work for any purpose other than work or I cannot continue with trying to fix our marriage. I feel like our trust is very fragile right now and I can’t rebuild that with him while he has his mail going to another woman’s home. He told me that he is not willing to change his address but he won’t text or call this woman anymore. I don’t understand how that will work? He wants her to continue to comitt insurance fraud for him and he will pick up his mail from her but he won’t text or call her and they won’t have a friendship. He is absolutely refusing to change his address and he told me either I accept it or I don’t really love him and I don’t want to work on things with him. I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him. I love him. We have a child together and a baby on the way. Should I just get over it and be happy that it’s saving him $200 a month?

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    Old 01-29-2019, 04:19 PM   #2
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    Re: Husbands new friend

    Dear TRP,

    I really feel for you in your fragile state of being pregnant!
    No one can decide for you what to do. How long you remain open to reconciliation is entirely your own decision to make.

    I personally would not trust him because of the insurance fraud, stating that he is not residing with you, but at another woman's residence! My opinion is that he needs to have to prove himself before he gets you back. Hon, you can be prosecuted for insurance fraud, giving you a criminal record, maybe even jail time and loss of your children, just by reason of still being married to someone that is committing insurance fraud. Does the insurance insure a vehicle that you drive? If so you might want to protect yourself from his fraud.

    Do you really believe that other woman will not reveal the insurance fraud if he has been just using her? I suspect he is telling her the same thing he tells you, that she is the 'one'.

    You need to make your decisions based on honesty and reality. For one spouse to commit fraud means that the other spouse is implicated. I really hope you will get good legal counsel ASAP. You can file for legal separation that would protect you while you still hope and try to work your marriage out. I suggest that you get this process in order just as soon as you can.

    I would not trust the other woman to not turn you both in if she ever does believe she has no chance with him. Do you really believe they are 'just friends' and she is letting him use her address? He does seem to be trying to keep you both hoping.

    Please get legal advice ASAP. Maybe also join a women's support group.
    The worst that would come of that is that you will see yourself and him more clearly.
    If you take a stand, he might even wake up and straighten up. But you won't know unless you put a stop to the 'just friends' charade right now. If you do what is needed here, and report his address change, he will either straighten up and fly right or he never was going to. As painful as all this is, at least you will know for sure which side he is on.

    Telling you that you can't trust your own instinct and eyes and ears is an insult to your intelligence and a play on your vulnerability. Yes you can trust your gut feeling that he is playing you; maybe playing both you and the other woman.

    You ave a lot to think about and decisions to make.
    ~ YaYa ~

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    Old 01-30-2019, 02:55 PM   #3
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    Re: Husbands new friend

    Trust your gut...everything about this sounds wrong and honestly; unless she lives in another state, how is he saving 200$ on car insurance? I live in a HUGE city and for me to use my parent's address out of city limits would only save me about 200$ a year...certainly NOT enough to do it and committing insurance fraud is a BIG deal. I hope your name is not on that policy?

    Its time for he and you to have a true heart to heart. Either he agrees to end the "friendship" or you need to move on..he cant have his cake and eat it too. You are worth more than that to yourself!

    No man would do this unless they have something to hide. I am sorry but its true. Please do not let him get away with this....with a child and one on the way, you deserve way better!
    RRMS- dx 05

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