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  • Best Friend no Longer?

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    Old 02-04-2019, 09:24 AM   #1
    rinnylon
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    Best Friend no Longer?

    I have been friends with this person for 25 years. We have never really had fights or any major disagreements. We have stayed in constant contact for almost the whole time, she got a bit distance when she was seriously dating someone – maybe communication once a month. I started dating someone about 4 years ago and we got engaged and now married – never let a week go by without seeing her or talking to her or texting her – I have never put a relationship ahead of my friendships. Through the whole process she was great, she was my maid of honor. She didn’t really have any responsibilities, my mom planned the whole bridal shower and my mom and I planned the wedding. Her responsibilities were to make sure that everyone else was doing there job the day of. Period. I paid for her hair the day of, and we treated her to dinner the night before. Also I have gotten her a great gift for all her help – wine and products to spoil her – about $100 worth of things. Plus a huge thank you letter, telling her how much I cared for her and appreciate her in my life. The whole Wedding day she was fine, I didn’t really interact with her much as I was busy attending to the other guests. She didn’t really help out with activities at the wedding and actually a few things slipped because she wasn’t paying attention and reminding people to do their job. Plus I heard from other guests that she got a bit drunk at the cocktail hour - After the reception I spent time with the out of town guests and before I knew it she was gone. Left early without saying goodbye. When my new husband and I opened her card – it just said From XXXXX. Nothing else. And there was a 50$ gift card to a restaurant we don’t even eat at. I have gone with her to about 5 different weddings, every wedding she gives AT LEAST $200 cash to the couple. After the wedding in October, we left on a honeymoon. As of now it has been three months with zero communication, I sent her a birthday message saying “Happy birthday, This is the longest we haven’t talked, there is clearly an issue, can we get together and talk about it?” Her response. “Thank you for the birthday wishes” That’s it. All of my friends and family are wondering what her issue is? I didn’t say or do anything to make her upset, and It seems like she is throwing 25 years away for what? Given the long history I feel like I shouldn’t let this just die – but I feel like I have already bluntly asked her and got shut down. Any thoughts on how to move forward?

     
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    Old 02-04-2019, 10:07 AM   #2
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    Re: Best Friend no Longer?

    I am sorry to say it but you have done everything you can. The only thing you have left to do is try again and try again. A note here and there saying "I miss you and would love to get together" leaves the door open.
    Maybe she is going through something that she doesn't want to talk about or maybe she feels now that you are married, you don't really want to have the same relationship you used to have. (Maybe she is jealous?)

    Either way, if the friendship is meant to be..she will know you left the door open if and when she ever needs you.
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    Old 02-04-2019, 10:27 AM   #3
    quincy
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    Re: Best Friend no Longer?

    Phone her and outright ask her what's wrong. If she doesn't want to talk, then there is something she has decided to either be disgruntled with you or not wanting to continue friendship with you. You can offer your availability for support and just let it be or call it done. Some people are passive aggressive in their actions, putting out signals, yet won't own up to the responsibility of honesty in what's up.

    I've terminated friendships based on a variety of things....and while I am the common factor, I'm forthright and wont get involved with weird bs or mental games. It's amazingly freeing. Growing up dysfunctional and having had therapy, it's become more conscious and a personal responsibility regarding my own actions in relationships. Awareness helps with flexibility, because we all have issues....but some people and the effort aren't worth my 'emotional currency' (a dr phil expression)

    Hope you find your answers.
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    Old 02-04-2019, 02:18 PM   #4
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    Re: Best Friend no Longer?

    rinnylon,

    She said, "Thank you for the birthday wishes". That's a big clue that says she's not angry about anything. So, if she's not angry, what is she feeling? Maybe sad or depressed that you're married and she's not. From now on, you will be a constant reminder that she's not married. Plus maybe she expects that her friendship with you will never be the same again and that it will slowly slide into oblivion as you become more and more consumed with married life. If she has to share you with someone else, she may be convinced that she will only get crumbs.

     
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    Old 02-04-2019, 07:06 PM   #5
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    Re: Best Friend no Longer?

    Dear rinny,

    I don't think we can know why people do what they do; often they don't even know themselves. For the record I don't judge either you or her. I wish you both well.

    To my way of thinking, the issue described is about expectations rather than who gave or did what. I believe that we can't really know what another person wants or expects. I have found that we can do all sorts of giving on our own terms just to find out it was not at all the other person's heart's desire. I have learned this from the ups and downs of being married over 37 years.

    Could it be that your friend is not a take charge person? Could you have expected more from her than she had to give? Might she be staying away because she feels bad that you clearly are disappointed in her? Maybe even angry?

    Also, could it be that she had hoped for a love relationship like what you got that never materialized? Could it be that because you had given her time and things that you consider that she owed you? Just from what you wrote, nothing else, it really appears to me that this gal doesn't even have what you wanted her to give.

    I have been in 'unequal' relationships. They are not comfortable or comforting at all.
    From all you shared, I think you have a lot in life to be thankful for and that you would do well to let this go.
    After all, didn't you marry your best friend? No matter what, that reality always changes everything.

    Maybe in time you can let this go and the two of you can adjust to this big shift in your lives.

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    Old 02-05-2019, 04:02 AM   #6
    Seraph
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    Re: Best Friend no Longer?

    I have experienced and seen others experience this. She is done with you for whatever dysfunctional reason and is just waiting for you to finish the break since she is too cowardly to end it cleanly. You have been sacked. I am willing to bet that, as you look back over your history with this person, you will remember little red flags here and there that would make this behaviour less of a surprise. In fact, I don’t really read ‘total shock’ about it in your post; don’t go trying to fix it or make contact...this is not a person you need in your life. You can never trust her again. Sera

     
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