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  • Help with boyfriend's adult daughter

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    Old 05-26-2019, 03:10 PM   #1
    Mishymoto
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    Help with boyfriend's adult daughter

    I've been dating my boyfriend for a year. We both have children. Mine is an 8 year old girl and his are a 27 year old son and 24 year old daughter. I've met his son several times and we get along well. I haven't met his daughter yet though he's wanted me to but I think she's always come up with an excuse not to.

    He and his ex divorced 20 years ago and not long after she took the kids to another state. He fought it to no avail. His son eventually moved back with him and he did see his daughter regularly. His ex and daughter eventually moved back to the area he lives in and she lived with him for a few years. During those few years she dated a guy and was hardly ever around her Dad then decided to move out to be closer to work and school and broke up with her boyfriend during that time. After about a year she moved in with her mother and brother.
    My boyfriend has had a couple other relationships but his daughter was not living in the area while those were going on. Then I come along and I don't think she quite knows how to handle it since she's never been around when he's with someone.
    She suddenly is bringing up resentment from her parent's divorce 20 years ago and making my boyfriend feel extremely guilty. I'm not saying that she doesn't actually have problems and these things can affect a person for a lifetime, but the timing seems odd and coincidental to me. I know she's finally going to counseling which is a positive but I can't help but thinking some of this is a jealousy thing. I honestly don't think she knows how to deal with Daddy being serious with a woman. I've heard her make comments on the phone about how I'm at "their" house every weekend (its really the only place we can be together because he has dogs and it's just more convenient for me to go there so he doesn't have to get someone to either watch them or bring them along) Plus we live about two hours from each other so it's not like I can just make a quick trip to see him for dinner and we both work and I have my daughter half the week.
    I honestly feel like she's trying to drive a wedge between us. He said she's never acted like this before. She has literally told him that he's her best friend, which I don't think is healthy for a 24 year old woman. The guilt trip is working on him too because he's spending less time with me to make up time with his kids. I don't want to resent that time, but I can't help feeling like a convenience. I thought we were building something together and now it kind of feels like I'm losing it all. I honestly don't know how to delicately broach the whole situation with him. I don't begrudge him spending time with his kids and have made sure I'm giving him space to do that but now it feels that's not even enough. I'm not the type to give ultimatums but I have to stand up for myself and need to know where I stand and where the relationship I thought we were building stands.....

    Last edited by Administrator; 05-26-2019 at 07:30 PM.

     
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    Old 05-26-2019, 07:11 PM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Help with boyfriend's adult daughter

    Dearest Mishy,

    Hon, evidently his daughter has unfinished business with him that you would do well to stay out of. That is between him and her and you can instead be supportive of him while they work through it. or add more pressure on him out of insecurity.

    His daughter also may be worried about loyalty to her mother, which is completely normal. I strongly suggest that you stay out of his relationships with his children. They came first, and in some ways that he alone can define always will come first. He alone knows what he is responsible for, and he also knows his children better than you know them. Hon, jealousy and insecurity are never ever attractive in anyone for any reason, and if you get pushy are you really ready to risk losing him by standing against his flesh & blood?

    Even adult kids do grow up and eventually get involved with their own lives on their own if we stay out of it. If you really do want a forever relationship with the man you need to accept his children as they are. There is no reason to get possessive or pushy. There is nothing attractive about doing that. Is he so weak he cannot deal with his own children and handle them on his own? if so then why would you want to be involved with him?

    I strongly recommend that you accept that you are not their mother and will never be his or their first love. That is just part of the package deal when we get involved with people that have existing previous families. Instead, you can choose to show them by your actions that you are not the enemy by completely staying out of his relationship with his children. Your relationship is unique. You will never replace their mother's position, not even if they or he dislike their own mother.

    His daughter probably feels threatened enough about not wanting to appear disloyal to her mother. Maybe she had hoped her parents would reconcile. If you consistently behave in a secure and non-threatening manner his children eventually will know that you are not a threat. Keep your own insecurity and anger to yourself. Even go get counseling about it. But don't dump it on the adult children or on their father.

    Whatever you do, don't rub salt in the wounds from being from a broken family. It isn't an insult that the daughter acts like you are not her priority and never will be. That is just reality. It is what I would expect her to act like. Leave this completely up to their father to to deal with. Don't alienate him from you by being jealous or manipulative.

    A good father will never put another woman ahead of the children he had before he met you. Really hon, seriously, if you cannot accept that they will get more involved with their own lives and move on eventually then you should move on.

    I have children and so does my husband. Before we married each other we saw each other both with and without our children around, but we never put them in any awkward position. When he was with his kids they came first. And my kids came first with me. We never even needed to talk about it. We stayed out of each others' relationships with our children. They came first, before we met each other, and even as adults we still put them first when we see them. After all, we do have plenty of our own time together.

    Be gracious and understanding. Give everyone some space. If you really do matter to their father he will pursue you. It is up to him to draw boundaries that does not jeopardize his relationship with them or you. If you want this to work out bite your tongue and don't say a word about your jealousy and insecurity.

    If you want the relationship with him to continue to grow and progress, I think it is necessary for you to respect however he chooses to be with his adult children.

    It's fine to set up a romantic time with the man and then ask where he sees this going. But leave his time with his previous family out of the discussion. This really is all about you and what you want for yourself. If you push him, be ready to face that your relationship may not have yet advanced as far as you thought and he might say goodbye if he is not yet ready to commit.

    Hugs,
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    ~ YaYa ~

     
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    Old 06-19-2019, 06:30 AM   #3
    rosequartz
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    Re: Help with boyfriend's adult daughter

    I think you should walk away, a year is nothing in the big scheme of things......daddy's girl is being manipulative and daddy's buying right into it. that isn't going to change. save yourself the trouble, tell him he can have all the time in the world with his princess and move on. Spend some time with your 8 year old daughter, she needs you more

     
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