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    Old 08-05-2019, 04:17 AM   #1
    Join Date: Sep 2006
    Posts: 344
    shorti HB User

    Hi all,

    I met my husband 14 years ago, we got married 2 years ago and have been living together for 9 years.
    We do everything together, we share the same values, goals in life and often talk about the future and have been excited for the future.

    In recent months I have spoken about wanting a family, and he has said he wants one too although is not ready just yet. Truth is I am not either but I'm now in my mid 30s and he is in his early 40s so we are not getting any younger. I feel like I may have pushed him away.

    We often email and text a lot while we are at work and last Thursday I emailed him some flight deals for a potential holiday and he wrote back saying he doesn't feel quite right at the moment to go anywhere but wouldn't elaborate. On Friday I asked if he was ok and he said no and that we need to talk but he is not in the right frame of mind to talk just yet and that he needs to get his thoughts clear in his head first. He did say that none of this is my fault and that it's all his doing, but it's not fair on me, and that I need to understand even though it will be difficult. This makes me nervous.

    I have given him space and over the weekend we sat and ate lunch together and he just said I will talk to you later today, but then later comes and nothing is spoken about. I haven't been pushing it though as I don't want to nag him. We both work in the city so we drive in together and he said I'm not ignoring you, I just need to process what's going on in my head and then we will talk. We have both been at home but just hanging out in different rooms.

    The last few days have been difficult for me, I have been on and off crying by myself. I am so worried he is going to end things with me. Two weeks ago we were looking at houses we were interested in buying as we are thinking of moving areas and now this.

    I don't know what to do, but I don't want my marriage to be over, and I'm thinking of suggesting a therapist. He is still wearing his wedding ring which I'm looking at as a positive sign.
    We are always together, we wake up at the same time, head off to work together, email and text throughout the day, go home together, eat together. The only time we are apart is when we work and before Thursday last week, we were still laughing together.
    What do I do, do I try and push him to talk?

    Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post

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    Old 08-05-2019, 06:29 AM   #2
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    Location: Florida, U.S.A.
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    Re: Confused

    What do I do, do I try and push him to talk?
    Hi shorti,

    I don't see pushing him as being productive. He said he's not ready and pushing him might make things worse. You might be pushing him into making a rash decision that both of you will later regret.

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    Old 08-05-2019, 06:49 AM   #3
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    Re: Confused

    Dear shorti,

    Whatever you do, do not take a chance on getting pregnant by him. An if or maybe at this point would be very destructive to each of you. You may want to assure him you will not take a chance on letting that happen without his full agreement and knowledge so he can relax and think things over without fear that you are already pregnant or might let it happen.

    What it looks like to me is that for all of the years of togetherness, it doesn't appear at all that you really share the same values or goals. Just going by what your wrote did your togetherness ever include even a possibility of desire for children with him? If not he is probably in shock, wondering what he got himself in to.

    I suggest that you reassure him that you won't anything without agreement and that you are willing to let the thought of children go if he doesn't agree.

    If you aren't willing to do that you may need to move on without him. Children are a lifetime commitment. Even though they usually grow up and go their own way, they might not choose to do it or might not be capable of doing it. A kitten or puppy can be an easier and more reasonable and fulfilling commitment.
    ~ YaYa ~

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