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  • My mum doesn't hug me anymore

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    Old 08-17-2019, 07:18 AM   #1
    6798
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    Question My mum doesn't hug me anymore

    So as of three days ago, my mum isn't hugging me anymore. We were having a conversation about how someone she knew touched her and she hated it, and apparently she doesn't really like people touching her, and I laughed and said, "yeah, I'm the only one that's allowed to touch you." And she said "no, I actually don't like being touched by you either." We got into an argument and it turns out that although she was affectionate when I was a child, when I became an adult, she actually didn't like hugging me, which is weird because she's always been a very affectionate person, and she didnt always pull away when I went to hug her, and the moments she did I thought she was joking. I have Aspergers and i don't know how to handle this new, very harsh reality. She says that just because she doesnt hug me, doesn't mean she doesn't love me, but apparently it's weird when adults hug their parents. My nan wasn't a very affectionate person at all, so my mum says that she tried to hug me as much as possible when I was growing up. But now that I'm not allowed to hug her anymore, it's uncomfortable and heartbreaking. I don't know how to react, I don't know what to feel and I don't know how to handle this. I just know that I feel like this is killing me, and I need help. Someone please, tell me what I'm supposed to do. I'm also single, with a few friends but none of them are affectionate, I'm an only child, my mum is my only family and I have no pets, and I'm a very affectionate person, and my mum was my only source of affection and now that's gone too. Please help.

     
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    Old 08-17-2019, 09:19 AM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: My mum doesn't hug me anymore

    Dear 6798,

    Hon, I'm so, so sorry you got the stunning news that you mum doesn't want to be touched. Try not to take it as a fault or deficiency with yourself. She is admitting it is her own problem, and that is a huge act of love. She did show you affection and just now wants to feel more comfortable with you as adults. Try to understand that everyone has a personal space and we need to not take it as an insult. Most people blame others for what they feel. It would be nice if people's problems only affected them, but we know that is just not reality.

    My mother was not capable of demonstrating affection. Because of damage from her own childhood her idea of love was sexual, so as you can imagine that was not appropriate for her children. When I was older I learned that she really was a seriously damaged person, much worse than I could know as a child. As a child, I learned to despise her for her anger and coldness, but as an adult with my own life issues, I chose to forgive her and let go of it for my own sanity. Forgiving her didn't help her at all, as she was quite disconnected from herself and others, kind of robotic, but it did help me a great deal so I could relate to myself, my children and others in a healthy way.

    I think the biggest part of growing up is accepting responsibility for ourselves and accepting others as they are. You know, to have peace, this is the same requirement for each of us, none of us is exempt no matter our personal handicaps.

    I don't know if you can take care of a pet, but I adopted a little abandoned chihuahua that turned out to be a great comfort to me. She is independent so she can be left alone when I am busy, but when I sit she comes to see if she can snuggle beside me. Some people have stuffed toys for comfort, and whatever is a safe comfort to you is healthy.

    You seem very bright and I am sure you will figure this out. Whatever you do, forgive mama, because she is part of you and you are part of her. However we are with others affects us and them. Who knows, if you can back off a little and forgive and let go of blame maybe eventually she can warm up and heal a little. If not, you can still completely heal your self by not placing blame or shame on yourself or her.

    Love,
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

     
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    Old 08-17-2019, 08:35 PM   #3
    yayagirl
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    Re: My mum doesn't hug me anymore

    You're very welcome, sweetie!
    HUGS!
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    asperger syndrome, family health, loved ones, parents



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