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  • Pure nightmare

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    Old 09-18-2019, 03:53 PM   #1
    GuiltySoul123
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    Pure nightmare

    Hi everyone. Thanks for reading my first post. I am in a huge predicament and there are 2 parts to it.Please PLEASE do not mentally berate me on the first part; I am already beating myself up enough. As in beating myself up mentally in ways I didn't know I could. I genuinely feel like a total jerk and like I don't deserve this great life I have. Here goes:

    I'm a happily married man of 20+ years, wonderful wife whom I love very much, 3 wonderful kids, good job, etc. Honestly a picture perfect existence. I know and realize how fortunate I am!

    But I messed up in a huge way. The hugest way. I cheated on my wife once, with a married woman in her late 40's (I am also in my late 40's). This happened out of town, I did not (and do not) know this woman and we didn't do anything in public other than talk. This is absolutely no excuse, and I take 100% responsibility for my actions, but yes I had had too much drink and wasn't thinking clearly. She also had been drinking and obviously wasn't thinking clearly. We talked about our marriages, commented on how happy we were but how we both missed that thrill of someone being attracted to us. I don't need to go into great detail, but in brief we went from never seeing each other before to her hotel room where we had sex. Sounds like an excuse but I have no reason to lie; I honestly did try to push her away when we started going too far but she was very very persistent and dammit I folded and allowed it too happen. To make matters worse, as I've never cheated on my wife before I don't carry condoms and we had unprotected sex. Told you it was about as big a mistake as there can be. Hate hate hate myself!!!!

    She said she has been married over 20 years also and had never once had an affair. So if truth was told awe were in very similar places in life, and as much as it was a huge mistake and I would pay any amount of money to go back to change what happened, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't feel good to be desired, wanted, and to have someone attracted to me. It felt good.

    It all happened so fast, from first "hello" in the hotel lobby to her room, all in under an hour. I left her room. We never exchanged last names (and I'm not even sure she would remember my first name the next day as she was really pretty buzzed). I vaguely remember what she even looks like and I assume she's the same with me. No telephone #'s, email addresses, even working situations. There was honestly next to zero personal communication. I did tell her the area (county) I lived in and she told me where she lives which is a huge city with 1 million people, so doubt we'd bump into each other on the street corner ever, and again, not that we'd recognize each other anyway.

    So that's part one, the part I'm asking to not be beaten up about. I am taking that job on myself quite nicely thank you.

    Part two will be quicker and pertains to this board.

    I spoke to my therapist whom I greatly respect and on his advice chose to not tell my wife of this indiscretion. His angle being what's done is done, I am remorseful, and no good can come of me clearing my conscience and making her feel terrible.

    I also did a comprehensive STD and am clear. So there's that. I have not had sex with my wife since this incident (a few weeks back) nor would I until I did a test and knew I was safe. So at least that is one weight off my shoulders.

    I have spent hours and hours on the internet Googling "can a 48 year old woman get pregnant" and the overwhelming response is "yes it's possible, but so too is a plane going to land on the roof of my house sometime ion the next week or so." Biologically possible, yes. But realistically, no. Yes I am spending hours and hours on the computer trying to convince myself that I didn't get someone pregnant! And the fact that I even have to research that kills me inside and makes me feel like a life failure.

    Lastly, I'm having obsessive thoughts about "what if she tracks me down" and "what is she tells her husband and he tracks me down" and "what if she comes to the area where I live and goes on a full witch hunt for me"? I can't get this thoughts out of my mind and again, feel so so bad that I'm even this position and have done this to my wife and kids.

    So yes my worries are all rational, however far-fetched and unlikely they may be, but what isn't rational is my absolute inability to stop ruminating to all the "what ifs"......

    I love my wife and family so damn much and am so paranoid that I've messed everything up forever.

    Thanks for listening to my long post. Was therapeutic to write it out.

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-18-2019 at 06:38 PM.

     
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    Old 09-18-2019, 07:36 PM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: Pure nightmare

    Without berating you, Ill say the chances of a 48 year old women getting pregnant are so very slim that you need to stop worrying about it and focus on whatever it is you are working on with your therapist.

    Playing devils advocate..if she did get pregnant and she truly has never had an affair before - she will probably say it's her husbands...and you'll never know.

    If she lied to you about her age, then she is actually older than she said she is and her chances of getting pregnant are even slimmer.

    Bottom line, you need to work through this and focus on the bigger issues which you are working on with a professional...this should be the least of your concerns as it is so highly unlikely and you clearly have more important things to worry about.

    I wish you luck in getting through this. You made a mistake but how you continue on will be what will make or break you. Good luck!
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    Old 09-19-2019, 12:41 PM   #3
    GuiltySoul123
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    Re: Pure nightmare

    Thank you MSNik. Appreciate your logic......

    Agree re chances of her getting pregnant are slim. Now I just have to let go from obsessing over "will she try and find me and ruin my life" which I realize is of-course possible however highly unprobable, especially seeing as she's married as well.

    To me this is more about OCD (or Pure O as it is) than it is the original mistake I made that iOS causing me this mental turmoil. I can't stop obsessing on it and I need to move on and forgive myself, and focus on being a good husband and father.

     
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    Old 09-19-2019, 10:21 PM   #4
    yayagirl
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    Re: Pure nightmare

    Dear GuiltySoul,

    I think we all are guilty of things we wish were different, if not in our actions, then in our own hearts or thought life. I'm not telling you what to do, you have to decide for yourself.
    I can only offer what came to my mind.

    You admit you have OCD. So, rather than to dwell on 'what if', what if you dwell on doing the work of recovery....discover with your therapist what leads you to be so self-destructive. It really has nothing at all to do with the female or anything outside of your own mind and heart.

    To heal or grow up, or be responsible, I believe we must face and deal with our own selves. There are many possible ways to do that. Some believe in God and ask for forgiveness that way. But whatever you do, take responsibility for your own actions and stop excusing them, and stop beating yourself up with them, and stop playing the 'what if' game.

    What if the world blew up? 'What if' is just a game to avoid reality, the here and now.
    Maybe what you need to do is confess to your wife and face whatever she dishes out. She might hate you, kick you out, or she might cry then forgive you.

    Whatever happens, it would give a big dose of reality.
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    Old 09-20-2019, 01:01 PM   #5
    rosequartz
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    Re: Pure nightmare

    I would NOT confess to your wife!
    That would be taking the pressure off you and dumping it on her.....
    and your marriage would probably end, and if not, it will never be the same.
    Take this to your grave.
    Move on, move past this....that's all you can do, unless you are willing to risk ruining your marriage and family.

     
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    Old 09-20-2019, 05:15 PM   #6
    GuiltySoul123
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    Re: Pure nightmare

    Thanks for the reply. Overwhelming feedback has been in favor of not confessing. This is my cross to bear and my guilt and shame to work through. Which I will be doing extensively in therapy. In AA they tell you that you should apologize to all those you've hurt, unless it will cause them unnecessary harm. Which in this case it would, so it's on me to deal with.

    I'm having intrusive thoughts that I can't get out of my head of this woman telling her husband and trying to track me down, although this sounds irrational; I imagine she wants to chalk this up to a big-time screw up also so don't think she'd confess. Plus as I said before, there was no personal information around last names. the; #'s or email addresses shared......

    Wishing so much I could turn back the hands of time a few weeks. Guys and gals (both genders cheat): don't don't don't go down that path...........it's not worth it, whether you're found out or not. It just isn't worth it.

     
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    Old 09-20-2019, 09:15 PM   #7
    yayagirl
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    Re: Pure nightmare

    Dear GuiltySoul,

    I am not in any way telling you what you must do. I am saying you do need to deal with your own self. Our obsessions and our indiscretions are our own. They are not caused by other people and what they 'might' do.

    No one can tell anyone how to deal with our own self.
    That is worked out between us and our God and/or mental health professionals.
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