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  • I don't know how to talk to my 28 year old cousin who moved in

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    Old 11-08-2019, 07:38 AM   #1
    Jenna60
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    I don't know how to talk to my 28 year old cousin who moved in

    Hello,

    I'm 63 and a caregiver for my 93 year old Mom and my 90 year old Aunt. My second cousin Paul (my Aunt's grandson) who is 28 moved in with us about 5 weeks ago or else he would have been homeless (long story).

    He (and his younger brother) were abused physically and verbally by my first cousin (Aunt's daughter) and he told me he is level 1 autistic. I think for everything Paul has been through he is doing okay where his younger brother is not.

    I am old fashioned and told him he needs to find a job. He has tried a little bit so far and explained to me he would prefer working nights because there would be less people as many people give him anxiety due to his autism.

    I'm aware that I come across very blunt, strong-willed, etc. and I personally never had children, if I did they would have been brought up using tough love.

    Bottom line: Paul and I clash when it comes to talking. Whatever I say to him he challenges me. He needs to be right all the time and comes across as a spoiled and entitled brat which rubs me the wrong way.

    I'm great at taking care of my elderly Mom and Aunt but I am at a loss when it comes to trying to help Paul. I have helped him with some online applications and he helps taking care of his grandmother to a certain point.

    He lives rent-free because he has no money and lives off his grandmother (my Aunt) for food.

    I know I didn't have to allow him to live with me but I have known him since he was a baby and couldn't let him be homeless.

    I just want to live in peace and for Paul to get a job. He's very smart when it comes to tech stuff but he's not certified and he still needs to get his GED.

    Any suggestions on how to talk to this entitled, abused 28 year old?

    Thanks

     
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    Old 11-08-2019, 08:43 AM   #2
    JohnR41
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    Re: I don't know how to talk to my 28 year old cousin who moved in

    Hi, Jenna60,

    You said you come across as very blunt and strong-willed. Well, that may be exactly what your cousin Paul needs to get him moving and to get a job. If he can't get a job now in this economic environment, when will he ever? Employers are desperate to find employees and are willing to take a chance, regardless of education and/or experience. So be firm and tell him that he can't just sit around and do nothing.

    Then if he gets a job, he won't be around as much so the problem with having conversations may diminish. If not, just remember what topics you differ on and try to avoid them. Or, if he gets confrontational about something, don't participate in it. Level 1 autistics usually have problems with back-'n'-forth conversations so it's not likely you will be able to change that aspect of his personality. So, the way I see it, the only thing left is to find ways to avoid having prolonged conversations.

     
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    Old 11-08-2019, 09:58 AM   #3
    Jenna60
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    Re: I don't know how to talk to my 28 year old cousin who moved in

    Thanks JohnR41,

    Even being the strong-willed person I am Paul gets defensive. He tells me he's trying and that he doesn't have to tell me what jobs he applied for. Instead I get to watch him play video games or watch TV.

    I printed out his resume and in my eyes he is over-qualified. He never worked a minimum wage job before as he used to work from his Grandmother's house where he was raised and lived until she had to sell her house (from enabling her daughter and grandsons).

    He had his own business (tech ~ computers, iphones, etc.) but became bored with it. Then another cousin who's older than me offered him a place to stay and work with her son. That didn't work out and I still don't know the entire truth. There was a problem with my cousin's son and Paul.

    I did some research and from what I learned Paul's "technical" resume does not fit a job working for a supermarket. Maybe I'm wrong? He had one interview so far and didn't get hired.

    Where we live there aren't many tech places compared to a large city.

    I don't know if I should mind my own business (which my Aunt said I should do, that worked out great for my Aunt because she didn't stop the abuse when she could have). I do not enjoy confrontation.

    I just feel torn because of what Paul has gone through and what he should be doing now. I don't know what it feels like to be abused or autistic. Bittersweet. I know he should be seeing a therapist (which I did mention to him and he became defensive).

    It's still my house and I have my rules which I think he needs to abide by. One of my rules is he must get a job and even though he is a victim I think he is playing the victim card too well.

    Thanks again.

     
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    Old 11-08-2019, 03:06 PM   #4
    rosequartz
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    Re: I don't know how to talk to my 28 year old cousin who moved in

    maybe social services could help him find a job

     
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    Old 11-09-2019, 06:39 AM   #5
    Jenna60
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    Re: I don't know how to talk to my 28 year old cousin who moved in

    Thanks Rose,

    Not a bad idea. Let's see what happens as last night he came to me (I have been leaving him alone for the past 2 days) and he told me about a job he applied for and they contacted him asking him for more information plus an online test which he completed.

    We had a heart to heart talk last night and he explained to me that he does better when I don't push him. So I agreed not to do that anymore as long as he lets me know what is going on instead of keeping me in the dark.

    We talked about his life and that all I knew about him was when he was a child and being abused and how I would call social services to help him and his brother (they did nothing). I explained to him that I don't know him now that he is an adult and I'm still learning about him.

    Maybe I have been coming on too strong (I am a Scorpio if one believes in astrology), so I'm going to back off and just observe.

    It's been an adjustment with him coming to live here. First it was just my Mom and myself and then my Aunt came to live here and now him. I'm finding out the older I get the harder it is for me to deal with change. Yes, I am set in my ways.

     
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