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  • Am I overreacting? Male asking

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    Old 11-23-2019, 02:33 PM   #1
    Emprahh
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    Am I overreacting? Male asking

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.
    Back story first, Iíve been with Her for over a year and I canít imagine my life without her. I never even felt this way about the mother of my own children and we were together several years, she is the light in my life and a gentle guiding influence in my life to becoming a better person. She has been amazing with my two boys and I could honestly see myself proposing to her I even planned to towards the end of next year. A few weeks ago she told me that she isnít sure if the relationship has a future, this was down to a bunch of little things, I wasnít giving her enough attention, we didnít have sex enough etc in a nut shell we got into a bit of a rut. I completely own this and understand where she is coming from, Iíve been abused in past relationships and cheated on so I find it hard to trust and show my feelings. After sitting with her and promising to address the issues it seemed like everything was going to be ok and even better now that we had discussed the problems she was having with me. Again I would like to add that she didnít want to break up there and then she was just voicing her concerns about the longevity of the relationship due to the issues stated above. I assured her that my feelings have always been very strong and how much I love her but years of rejection from a previous partner coupled with mental abuse has left me finding it hard to show affection. Since the conversation I have made huge changes and even better they are not forced. I just feel more comfortable being more open with my feelings after she told me how she felt.

    Now on to the main problem, I found out accidentally that she is going on holiday and staying with someone and his parents for a week in Germany. She met him while on holiday with her parents about a month back and she never even mentioned him until I found out by accident. She says there is nothing romantic and that she just wants the opportunity to see Germany. ( but why can she not do this with me? )
    I understand that and agree that it is a great opportunity but Iíve been cheated on, beaten and lied to over and over in the past and I quite literally donít have the emotional strength to deal with her going through with this. I was already extremely upset after her last holiday without me as I felt left out and very alone. Upon arriving back she promised we would save up over Christmas and go away together, this swelled my heart with joy and I was so excited. Now after all of that Iíve found out that she has paid for plane tickets and parking ( money they could have gone towards us going ) to go and stay with this man she hardly knows. I trust her completely but Iíve been abused and hurt too much in the past to not develop OCD over the thought of her cheating. She is going away during Christmas which to me is a time we should be together especially since Iím trying to make her happy and show her what she really means to me.

    I donít want her to go and my heart cannot stand the thought of her going through with this, Iíve begged her not to go and promised I will save money so we can go together instead so the only difference would be she has to wait until after Christmas instead of going in a week but I have a feeling that she is just biding her time and will continue on with the holiday regardless of my feelings. All the stress and the anxiety from this situation has led me back to self harm and Iím running out of places to go, I have a very small group of friends and their advice is always biased and unhelpful.

    What do I do? Is it wrong for me to not want her to go? Am I being controlling etc? the last thing I want to do is control what she does but it hurts me so much to think that she would still go and spend an entire week with another man knowing full well that emotionally and mentally it will be detrimental to my mental health and possibly our relationship.

    I canít stop dreaming that towards the end of the week she will do something and that would be the end of us, as Iíve said before I trust her and love her with all of my heart but this seems selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. I donít want to keep broaching the subject because she hardly says anything back and I end up just doing a monologue of my feelings, even the thought of losing her after the time weíve had together is enough to make me want to throw myself from something tall as I feel that would be the only way I would have the courage to end it, I canít control my fears or anxiety and I feel like Iím getting mentally sicker by the day. Should I just let her go and hope for the best? I donít even know what I will do if she goes I donít have family I can stay with and Iím very isolated where we live, my body is already covered in cuts and I feel that this week will only push me to add more, my problem is I canít tell her these things because itís not fair to influence her choices with the threat of self harm. Iím just lost and upset, Iíve never been abusive or controlling in a relationship so I honestly donít know if what Iím feeling and doing is wrong.

    Please can you give me some advice, should I end the relationship if she goes or stick with her and hope she cares enough about my feelings not to go and save up to go with me instead.

    Iím heartbroken, I opened my heart to her and gave myself to her completely, now I just feel like Iím worthless.

     
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    Old 11-24-2019, 04:41 AM   #2
    MSNik
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    Re: Am I overreacting? Male asking

    Let her go. Its better to find out now if she is doing something wrong then to continue on this relationship and find out later.. This is a good test. If she comes back to you and everything is fine- you did the right thing.

    If she comes back to you and there are problems, end it and move on. You cannot make someone want to be with you. Its so much better to allow her to do this and to bite the bullet that it may not be the relationship you think it is then to pretend everything is okay and find out in another 6 months that it wasnt.

    Breakups are traumatic and they are terrible. But dragging on something that "isn't meant to be" is worse. Find out now by letting her go.

    And by the way, any woman who hides a guy she met or goes and sees a guy she met and tells you that there is nothing romantic about it is lying. If there was nothing romantic about it, she would be taking you with her. I think you need to realize that this relationship has bigger problems than what you wrote and start preparing yourself for the worst....IF she surprises you and comes back to you it will be YOUR decision to forgive her and let her back into your life. You will resume control over this. Let her go..
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    Old 11-24-2019, 12:36 PM   #3
    quincy
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    Re: Am I overreacting? Male asking

    Lots of red flags that you pointed out as issues, and it boils down to what she feels and not you. Seems she wants you to let her go....and a hidden agenda regarding a trip says she is moving on. Your manipulative scenario of what ifs....is just that. Base it on facts and gut instinct. As well, reread what you wrote, underline the fantasy, highlight the facts.

    I suggest you end it before she goes, and you can begin the healing process. I also suggest a clean break with no contact...but amicably.

    On the other hand, many need it to be proven.... and will go through a sordid process, only to arrive at the same conclusion.

    You also have children in the equation...
    q

     
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    Old 11-24-2019, 12:37 PM   #4
    Chainsoflove
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    Re: Am I overreacting? Male asking

    I think you should have a long talk with her to see if you two are on the same page regarding the relationship. Has she had time before your relationship to experience life and adventure? She sounds young and maybe she doesn't know what she wants. You should let her go to Germany, but not with another guy. Can you just ask her if she will go to Germany with you and not some guy she thinks is safe to go with?

    I really think her wild side is taking the lead in this relationship. I think you would be really upset if she took off with this other guy and left you behind. Ask her if she is as loyal and faithful to you as you are to her. Just think carefully if you will allow her back into your life. Good luck

     
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    Old 11-25-2019, 07:28 AM   #5
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    Re: Am I overreacting? Male asking

    Dear Emprahh,

    I do not believe you are over-reacting. But I do believe she was never your girl-friend. That is not what a girl-friend does. She was not 'the one'. No one can be the 'one' until you get over dwelling on your past. You need to first be your own best friend, and listen to your own gut instinct. This is not about the past. This is about what is going on with you right now.

    First of all, you do not trust her and she gave you no reason to trust her. You also don't trust your own self. So you need to deal with trusting your own instincts before getting involved with someone else. When you are afraid to make a commitment, you will not attract someone who is ready to make a commitment. Face & deal with your own problems and then you will attract healthy minded persons.

    She chose holiday with another man and you are rationalizing about it. This is all about her wanting to be with the guy, nothing whatsoever to do with 'seeing Germany'. If it was about seeing Germany she would have agreed to wait and go with you. Do not believe for a second that this is just about seeing Germany. The fact is, her choice to go with the other guy shows that she is NOT waiting for you, but doesn't mind if you wait for her in case the new relationship doesn't work out.

    Our relationship with ourselves is entirely our own responsibility. No one can make us feel one way or another. The proof is that we choose to ignore the choices some people make, and we do not ignore choices that other people make.

    You invested yourself in a person that clearly has no loyalty to you. She is making her own choices for herself. She may not care for your personality or may be tired of your problems. But clearly she moved on.

    We can 'feel' that others are creating what we feel by their choices for themselves, but it is what we tell ourselves that creates our own emotions.
    You don't need her. You already know she is not loyal to you and is experimenting with others. She is not being your friend, much less your girlfriend. We do not have a mate until we BOTH make that commitment, and show we are committed. Neither of you made that choice. You say you are afraid. She says she is just going to see Germany. Neither of you is telling the truth. The fact is that neither of you made a commitment to the other.

    You need to be your own best friend, and get some help with accepting your own emotions so that you control your own thought life and your own emotions. That is not anything that a significant other can help you with. Maybe you need some counselor help to get over your past and stop repeating past history so you can make a real commitment that actually made a commitment to you.

    Get to know the opposite sex as friends and learn what their character is like. Save the intimacy for after you have a commitment, not before.

    We have to get over our past before we can build a future.
    Otherwise we are just repeating old history and blaming it on the other person.

    Forget this person. She already moved on and is dishonest about it. She wants to hang onto you just in case the new guy doesn't work out. Don't let this fool you.
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    Old 11-26-2019, 07:29 AM   #6
    rosequartz
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    Re: Am I overreacting? Male asking

    no you are not over-reacting. you say you trust her, but I don't!
    Are you sure she met him on a trip with "her parents"? I'm not.....
    I believe she spent time with him without her parents, and I think she's lying. She's planning on travelling on a holiday with someone she barely knows?, nah I'm not buying it. I'd let her go and start planning your life without her while she is away

     
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    Old 11-26-2019, 03:24 PM   #7
    Soosang
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    Re: Am I overreacting? Male asking

    Sorry.... I know you want someone to say its all ok, that her behavior is normal and she will run back to your arms but Im agreeing with all the above posts. I dont trust her and I dont feel she is invested in you fully enough to treat you honestly. I feel her bringing up issues earlier re your failings (in her eyes) in the relationship was an introduction to the end. I feel she wants to move on but is worried about how you will cope. And I am very worried about you. DONT jump from something high. Please!!!! dont cut yourself. Please go and get the help you need. Its good you have reached out to strangers on here but go and get help re the self harm. You have your children to think about and a lifetime of hurts and issues along with so much joy. Believe me she has not, and will not be the only thing in your life that devastates you. How you learn to deal with problems is so very important and checking our or cutting yourself is tragic. As far as her....let her go. You now put your time into looking after your emotional health and prepare for what ever comes your way next.!! Ha , says me whos head is totally spinning with my own issues right now. Good luck and please dont give up.

     
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