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  • fling with a flirt, am I flirting with disaster?

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    Old 11-07-2003, 01:42 PM   #1
    nelzun
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    fling with a flirt, am I flirting with disaster?

    I am new to this forum and I posted already about a obsessed ex boyfriend but I have a question about another man in my life.

    Some time ago before I met my current crazy ex I was dating a man that was mostly a fling. I don't normally have relationships based solely on the physical nature, but at the time I was comfortable with it. I enjoyed his company and we also went on dates but he had just split up with someone, so we did not have a commitment. He showed interest in me but it bothered me that he would flirt with other girls around me. Not just flirt, but get their numbers, etc.. He was very honest and upfront and seemed to prefer to call me daily and he wasn't seeing these other girls except for a time or two. I was with him for about a month almost every day and the first couple weeks I was comfortable but I eventually started to feel bad about myself because I was not this type of person. I was jealous, yes, but not overly. I more or less just accepted that he wasn't mine nor was he going to be. I was there just to enjoy the sex. (and that by the way was worth it for awhile).

    But being myself I couldn't deal with the shame I was feeling. I ended it and told him that an orgasm is not worth being with someone that I know has other partners. (we used condoms) I didn't even let him respond I just left and my cell phone was shut off a few days later.

    I seen him at the store a few weeks ago and it's been over a year since that brief fling. He invited me to a halloween party and I gave him my number but I stayed at my mother's all weekend and avoided his calls. I've been trying to be strong but I have an even stronger attraction to this man. I've blow him off every day except for two dates that ended in sex. I know I'm worth more than what he has to offer but he's really a woman pleaser and I've never experienced anything like the feeling he can give me.

    You see, I have problems with sex because I was raped when I was a vigin and I don't particularlly enjoy sex besides the closeness of being with someone I love.

    Anyhow, I know that he's a player and he's not giving me a relationship but I'm not sure I want a relationship right now anyways. I just got out of a relationship with the crazy possesive man two months ago.

    I'm really afraid and I'm not sure how to act. I don't give him too much attention and I generally blow him off and act like I don't care. I'm not sure what his opinion is of me or what he wants from me. I think if I knew that I would be ok.

    But for now I brought him around my best friend and he never allows me to be disresected by a man. My best friend knows many of the same guys that this man knows and I think he may have a little more respect for me seeing me through my friend's eyes. Also I did discuss with him why I ended it last time. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with myself and the way a non commited sexual relationship was making me feel.

    So knowing this whole situation, do you think I should just hang it up and force myself to not see him again like I did last time, or do you think that he is just a bit intrigued by me and likes my company as well as the sex? I know he is a very sex driven person and I have reason to believe that he's shameless and when single will sleep with any woman without predjudice on size, shape, looks etc....

    I am 26 years old and he is 27 so I know I'm mature enough to have a sexual fling but I am just wondering if I should pursue my feelings with him or just give it up. I know what type of person he is and I know he's a natural flirt. He's even flirted with a 9 month pregnant bartender. Does any of this make sense?

     
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    Old 11-07-2003, 02:12 PM   #2
    Pootsi
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    I think that you are realizing that having sex without being commited goes against your nature and it's chipping away at your self esteem.
    Your much better than he is, he's way to comfortable in his own ways, and you shouldn't allow yourself fall into his traps anymore. He's obviously good at what he does.
    Im sure that you like him, and maybe that's why it's really hard, but he sure doesn't sound like someone you should be in a relationship with.
    And, Im sure he is irrisistable when it comes to sex. But when your emotions get involved with someone like that, it's going to be nothing but tough on you. It is Not worth it to do that to yourself.
    You should do what you can to move on and to stay away from him. Find someone that has more class like you.

     
    Old 11-07-2003, 02:30 PM   #3
    nelzun
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    I know you're right. I guess I just need a stronger backbone sometimes when I accept his dates. We always end up going out to dinner and grabbing a drink then hitting the sheets or just meeting at a bar. I wouldn't have it any other way though because to tell you the truth he's so experienced he intimidates me so I need a few drinks to relax.

    Basically this man is like a drug. He is a fun and interesting person other than sex and we do carry conversations and get along. I guess my whole reason for posting was for support in quitting my addiction. I cut him off cold turkey before I guess I will just have to do it again before I get hurt.

    I know that I could keep getting this satisfaction from him just like a drug user can pick up thier choice of high on the street. When it's so accesible it's harder to deny yourself that pleasure. But I have to to keep my self respect. I can't imagine that I sometimes even consider that this man respects me. If he did he wouldn't hit on other women in front of me. I'm just the choice for the night.

    Also if I continue in this manner my guy friends that I've earned respect from will begin to lose that for me as well. My best friend is not going to protect my honor if he sees me going home with someone like this man. If I don't feel that I deserve better than no one else will.

    Ok, so I know the right answer but still I find myself typing here. I guess I just need support. I never thought that sex could be an addiction, but I guess that was because I never expereinced an orgasm before. It's not anything that I could just ask another man to repeat because I believe it's his body piercing that stimulates me. Also part of it has to do with the fact that we are not in love. I've always felt sex was dirty and I hold back in loving relationships, but I don't with this man because it's not about closeness with him.

    Honestly I think that alot of women get addicted to him and he is confused by the fact that I am fighting this more than others. I think that's what intrigues him and keeps him calling. That and the fact that I DON'T want a relationship with him because I KNOW he's bad for me.

    So anyhow thanks for the support and I would love to hear other's opinions as well. I;ll take all the advice I can get right now because I'm fighting with my urges on the inside.

     
    Old 11-07-2003, 03:39 PM   #4
    Pootsi
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    He does sound like a pro, and I know exactly what you mean about him being like a drug. Sex addiction is big and can get dangerous. You can lose your self worth and everything just like a drug.
    You are much better off without someone like him.

    Good luck

     
    Old 11-08-2003, 06:27 AM   #5
    Queeneev
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    You are right, you DO know the right answer, and I totally understand your need to talk about it. Eventually you will be able to let go, and posting here is part of your purging and catharsis. If it helps, know that you are normal - this happens to good people with good intentions. It's the animal attraction in us, and it's hard to overcome, much like an addiction to drugs or cigarettes.

    Here's a suggestion that might seem rather rude, but honest to God, I think it's worth considering: masterbate. Get the horniness out of your system. What lures you to him is the physical, so if you materbate before you talk to him, your body will not be as conducive to being aroused and agreeing to get together. I know guys who use that approach to keep themselves from being animals when they go out for the evening.

    I'd be curious to know if it makes a difference for you...

     
    Old 11-08-2003, 07:22 AM   #6
    nelzun
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    It's funny that you said that Queeneev. I've tried everything including that. But I don't have the same results as this man.

    Believe it or not sex is not that important to me. Going from zero orgasms to 1 or 2 a night with him is fun, but not something I need every night. I'd be good just meeting him once a month or year. I've never known I could have them at all.

    I am completely intimidated by him, but he'd never know that. He seems to think that I am a player as well. I am always hanging out with men when he sees me, but that doesn't mean I am physical with any of them. I just have many male friends. I tend to blow him off and he knows that I broke up with the last two guys I've been commited to because he's actually accidentally met one of them through mutual friends when he was whining about me at the bar. Also one of my old girlfriends had a conversation with him because she was upset with me and tried to make me look bad by telling him that I overlap my boyfriends which I most certainly do not. Not to mention that we had sex the second night we dated. So I'm sure that's what he thinks I'm doing when I blow him off. He doesn't even believe me that he's the only person I've slept with in the past three months because we've only been together twice in the past three weeks.

    I really am a strong person when it comes to him. He thinks I'm outgoing but I'm really shy and that keeps me from him most of the time.

    I know this will phase out naturally because he will lose interest as I show barely any interest in him. He has plenty of other girls to call I'm sure and they will probably give him the gratitude and attention that he seeks for his services. I know that once the butterflies are over and I realize that sex is all that's left I will want out because without love the sex is pointless.

    So for now, I will keep you updated and I will try to have my fun while it lasts because I will grow tired of him before he tires of me. But it helps to talk about it because I have to put everything in perspective so that I don't fall for this man's line of bull and break my heart in the process.

    Thanks for the comments and I will keep you posted on my lack of morals!!! lol

     
    Old 11-08-2003, 09:35 AM   #7
    sunflwrst
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    Jen

    On the contrary, I think you DO want a relationship w/him...an exclusive one..but I think that's impossible.

    The prize for him is having sex w/you (you realize this). As long as that possibility exists, he'll keep calling.
    The intrique comes from being a constant challenge to him, not being too available, or he'll lose interest.
    Delaying sex w/him not only builds the tension, it lets you feel like your in control of this for a little while, and it also gives you a chance to show him you're a good person worth spending time with, out of bed...you're 'girlfriend material'....lots of your guy friends respect you....and if he could only realize that, then he may change his ways and want to be exclusive w/you.

    I'm sure the sex is great, but part of what makes it great is the tension you've created leading up to it...and even though it'd be nice if you were exclusive, you still get a 'boost' knowing he chose you, this time...you may not be the only one, but you most likely rank pretty high among his 'favorites'...nothing to sneeze out w/so many women falling for him.

    After you sleep w/him..do you get kind of a 'hangover' feeling? sad and depressed?....you know this will never be a real relationship...maybe try and 'swear him off for good, this time'....if he calls or you see him or start thinking about him, the tension starts growing again. the cycle continues..

    This is just my take on what's happening. The 'high' moments feel great, but I really think the longer this goes on, the worse you'll feel about yourself.

    Good luck at going 'cold turkey'..I think that's the only way..

     
    Old 11-08-2003, 09:54 AM   #8
    nelzun
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    sunflwrst you are so right!!

    It's not that I want to have a relationship with him because I too know that's impossible. I just want him to acknowledge that I am girlfriend material like you said. I guess it IS a control issue.

    I know if I had him I wouldn't want a boyfriend like that and I would dump him in less than five minutes. So it's pointless for me to want him to think of me as a potential commitment. Maybe I just want his acceptance.

    Anyhow, I know that if I am not planning on commiting to this guy we are going nowhere fast and I'm better off cold turkey as you said. It's all a big chasing game and the fact that I am unavailable emotionally to him and he to me. So I guess we are both waiting it out to see who wins. If I procliam feelings deeper than sex for him, he will have won and hence vanish. But if he claims that he has feelings for me, I will not want the next step, I'll be flattered but take my victory and move on.

    So I'm 26 and thought I wasn't into games. I've always been in commited relationships so I never had to play hard to get.

    Good points!!! Thanks for the post.

     
    Old 11-12-2003, 08:47 AM   #9
    nelzun
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    Update

    You all will be happy to know that I've been strong enough to quit this guy and I am determined to stick it out. I haven't responded to him in over a week. I have to picture him sleeping with one of my friends, but this strategy seems to work, as I've been repulsed by the though of him lately.

    Jenn

     
    Old 11-12-2003, 09:05 AM   #10
    Pootsi
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    Good for you!

    You found something that helps you.

    He's treating himself like he's just a machine, and you don't want to be just the object for the machine.

    There's a lot more meaning to it than that, and it's a lot more fullfilling and pleasureable, with someone that means a lot to you, and you to him.

    Your doing a good thing for yourself

    Poots-

     
    Old 11-12-2003, 04:55 PM   #11
    MJK98
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    Jen

    This relationship you have with this man is a very short term good feeling you get and than you feel bad about yourself, expect nothing from him because he is a player and you should be treated far better than a "Booty Call"
    you stayed away from him for a year and you can still stay strong, first time you give in you may see him a few more times and than the challenge is over
    truthfully this is your time to get some satisfaction by saying no to him
    when he makes his moves make him try really hard and if he really likes you more than short term fine but a guy like him has a large black book, you dont need the stress
    good luck

     
    Old 11-17-2003, 07:41 AM   #12
    rif
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    Good for you!

    You go, girl! Cut him out like a cancer...
    You are not capable of having a "casual fling" with this man. You say you'll enjoy the good sex while you're getting it, and then say you don't like sex that much. If sex isn't that important to you, then a sex-only relationship won't be worth the emotional turmoil it's causing you. The pay-off isn't worth the price.

     
    Old 11-17-2003, 08:37 AM   #13
    nelzun
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    Exclamation He slept with friend's roomate

    Thanks. I've been strong and haven't called him at all. It helps to have run into an old friend that used to be around me and this guy when we dated in the past. She and I lost contact for about 6 months and in that time he's hit on her and slept with her roomate. So that solves any emotional attachment issues I have with him. Plus I ran into an ex and he's confusing me, so I haven't wasted any more of my energy on this jigalow.

    Thanks for your support. I know this board has helped me rationalize my decisions before I get myself in deeper.

     
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