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Obsessed about his ex-girlfriend. Please help me!!

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Old 11-10-2003, 08:41 PM   #1
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Tyger HB User
Obsessed about his ex-girlfriend. Please help me!!

Hi there everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 months now, and apart from a few time and family issues, things couldn't be happier. We both feel secure and happy in our relationship, and no two people could enjoy eachothers company more.

My problem is entirely to do with me. I am obsessively uncomfortable about his ex-girlfriend! I know her as an aquaintence, we work at the same place yet only really see eachother at functions...she's very attractive and outgoing - a people magnet. She's also rather...ahem...'sexually rampant' with guys, if you get my meaning, and while she is generally liked, some people do think of her as a bit of a b**ch (I am going from what people have said of her, and trying not to be bias in my description here.)

Anyway, she was my boyfriends first proper relationship (they went out for 1 year), and first sexual partner, and apparently, first love (though he claims he has found a deeper love with me than he had with her). Thats a lot of firsts all bundled into one women.
I obsess about all manner of things they did together, but mostly its what they did in bed and sexually - how and where and when. I don't know why! I'm disgusted to know, yet I still want to know...I get so upset when I hear about something they did and I constantly compare myself to her, wondering if I size up. I'll hear about something they did, and spend all my energy trying to 'outdo' that one event, I suppose trying to whipe out all the good memories my boyfriend has of her to replace them with 'better' experiences with me.

I am a jealous person in general, and one of my biggest flaws is my tendancy to compare myself to others. I'm very concerned with how others see me. This mindless obsession with his ex-girlfriend is driving me crazy - and adding to that is the fact that lately she's been bad-mouthing me to others a bit lately and I'm terrified people will believe her and think negatively of me. Some say she's bitter because she still wants my boyfriend - and she's the type that hates to lose.
Can anyone help me to rid myself of this baggage? How can I stop myself from getting so worked about about things they 'did'?
Please comment and share your opinions and advice. I'm getting desperate and this obsession is starting to impact on our relationship from my point of view (my boyfriend isn't entirely aware of the situation).


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Old 11-10-2003, 09:08 PM   #2
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Monday1954 HB User
Tyger, do you have a past? Another relationship before you met your current boyfriend? Do you still wish you were with the ex?

Everyone has a past, most likely including you. You don't have all happy memories of your ex and most likely don't still have any feelings for them, they are a part of your past and your past made you who you are now. That is how it works. Dwelling on your boyfriend's ex is not healthy. Try to get another job so you don't have to work with her, out of sight, out of mind.

Try boosting your self-esteem then you won't feel the need to compare yourself with others. We are all too self critical and that is our downfall, even perfect looking people have their insecurities. You just stop focusing all of your thoughts on your lack of something and focus on the good qualities you do have. You will see a change in your attitude in just a short while.

Old 11-10-2003, 10:42 PM   #3
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I did the same thing for the first year or so into my relationship. My b/f had only been with this one other person (compared to my two people, so it wasn't that I didn;t have a past). Anyway, they only dated for about four months and he said he never even loved her. He even assured me that I was better in bed than her, which may or may not have been the truth. But I kept obsessing over her. I had never saw her before, but insisted on seeing a picture - which he had to contact her to even get! I compared everything about me to her. I asked about all the sexual things they had done, I suppose so that I could try to be better than her. After a while the feelings just started to go away. Even now, I still occasionally wonder about her, but I'm not obsessed.

So, I can't offer much advice. But waiting it out seemed to work for me. Maybe I just needed to feel more secure in the relationship or happier with myself. Sorry I couldn't help more.

Good luck.
"You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car." - Harvey Diamond

Old 11-10-2003, 10:49 PM   #4
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That is a hard pill to swallow. The only thing I can say is that you need to ask your BF & friends at work to stop telling you gossip or stuff about her.
You sound too vunerable now to handle that kind of info.

If you see her at a function try and be cordial and look "hot" BABY. Raise your head high and say hello with the utmost confidence.

Success is the best when served up in her face!

Old 11-12-2003, 09:31 PM   #5
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Tyger HB User
Thankyou for your replies...
Yes, I too have a past of course, but not as serious as his. He is my first sexual partner, he's had one other - the woman in question. We've both had a few relationships previously, but I've never had a serious relationship until now, he's had one serious relationship before me - yep, same woman yet again.
She's just been a lot of firsts for him, and even though he's not on great terms with her now, it still eats away at my insides to think of their experiences together and how I might not size up in comparison.
I would not consider getting a new job to avoid her, that would be like letting this 'obsession' rearrange my life. I enjoy my job very much, I only see her at social functions anyway. Its more the idea of her that plagues me, and whether I see her or not it seems to always be nagging on my mind.
Am I the only one who is so caught up with a partner's ex?! Its just driving me crazy.
Sometimes when I'm being intimate with my boyfriend, I suddenly get these mental images of her doing the same kind of things with him and it just completely ruins my mood and even depresses me somewhat. It makes me feel almost physically sick to think of him enjoying intimate moments with her. Sometimes the thoughts will plague me when we're enjoying dinner together or out at a club...they just pop into my head to destroy my happiness and make me so moody and uncomfortable around my poor boyfriend!
Please help me sought out this problem.


Old 11-13-2003, 12:10 AM   #6
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Hi Tyger. Just wanted to add my 2 cents. I used to be like you, too. I would wonder about my now ex-bf's most recent girlfriend before me. I would think about when we were intimate, I would think about it if we were, let's say, playing tennis, watching TV, etc. etc. I tried to hide if from my bf, but sometimes it would just creep up into the conversation. He tried to be reassuring, but honestly there is only so much your significant other can do for you. It really is up to you to let go of these obsessive thoughts. Think about it this way - who is it helping that you're constantly having these thoughts about her? It's definitely not boosting your self-esteem and I'm sure your bf senses when you're having a moment about his past. That can't make for a very pleasant situation. There is a reason that he's not with that girl anymore. He is with you. If he wanted to be with her, he would be, but he's not. HE'S WITH YOU. Focus on that and soon enough, these thoughts will simply just go away. You'll realize that your bf wants to be with you and that they broke up for a reason .... so that he could meet someone like you! Trust me, in time, the thoughts simply subside. They did for me and I'm sure they will for you. You just have to have faith and be patient. Good luck!

Old 12-01-2003, 08:21 PM   #7
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Re: Obsessed about his ex-girlfriend. Please help me!!

I hate this time of year. Christmas is fast approaching, as well as parties, and everywhere I go, his ex seems to appear. Since the debacle with her telling stories about me, we have completely ignored eachother. She seems very good at snobbing me off, but I'm not quite as confident as her and I find myself feeling insecure and uncomfortable. If she ever confronted me, I think I'd simply melt into a puddle of cowardess and make a complete embarrassment of myself.
I still get a huge knot in my stomach and feel desperately fragile when I lay eyes on her or let myself think about things they've done together (sexually or otherwise). I don't know how to deal with this stress.

More replies would be appreciated.


Old 12-02-2003, 05:57 AM   #8
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Butterfly8 HB User
Re: Obsessed about his ex-girlfriend. Please help me!!

I know what you are going through, but you are lucky in comparison to me! I am involved in a long distance relationship...we manage to see each other every weekend, but it is still tough. My SO has had two prior serious girlfriends. He is still in contact with both of them. He is actually really good friends with his first love and first sexual partner. They dated three years ago so I'm not quite as threatened by her, but it's hard. His most recent ex, who he left to be with me is more of a problem. She is still in love with him and that is hard for me. He goes out to this one bar every Thursday night and she is always there. That always gets under my skin. And like your, my SO always reassures me that I have absolutely nothing to worry about! But when we are apart and I can't be there all the time that only goes so far.

I have been getting a lil better about all this. I tell myself that Mike has done nothing suspicious, he just goes out to hang out with his friends. I can't keep worry about these things, it is driving me insane. It's hard to enjoy the good things in your life if you are constantly worrying about them. Anyway, consider yourself lucky. There are others with the same issues. Try sitting at home with you SO and have his ex call his cell phone "just to chat". That drives me nuts!! Of course he won't let it go on more than 5 minutes, but he is such a nice guy that he can't just say "no". One thing that has helped me is just knowing that he is with me and I am the one who he holds at night when we are together!

Good luck!


Old 12-02-2003, 01:55 PM   #9
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tri 03 HB User
Re: Obsessed about his ex-girlfriend. Please help me!!

wow- you sound very frustrated with this whole situation- has your boyfriend ever given you any reason (other than he used to be with her) to worry this much about her and him?

I too am a very jealous person---which drives me crazy. I understand where you are coming from---I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now and his ex (of 3 years) comes into town to visit from time to time---the best part about all of this is that she first asked to stay with him and now that she knows that is not an option anymore she stays with his best friend. They are still friends and even talk and email from time to time-----Which as you can imagine drives me nuts!

I started off being the cute fun girlfriend---everything was fine with me(not really though).. the 2nd trip I was at his side from the time she got there until the time she left (like I needed to prove he was mine)...the 3rd time I finally went off on my boyfriend....I told him that I had issues with it. I told him exactly how I was feeling what I was questioning and what I needed to know from him.

I think he just never realized that it bothered me as much as it did. that led intoa great conversation about how he really no longer sees her the same way---that he is so happy with me--and that he wants me in his life.

I mean sure I still get a bit frustrated when i hear her name or see it on emails....but I know that he wants to be with me now....there is no reason to compete with her anymore. Sounds like you are in the same boat. Accepting that the person we care about has been with someone else intimately is never any easy thing to do----it is almost better off to think that he is starting fresh with you and the future that you build together is not based on what he and she had---bc apparently that was not working---so make your own future with him and do not waste any time thinking about the past!

Good luck---

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