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Best friend is a lump on the log

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Old 11-19-2003, 12:14 AM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 6
navywifemaine HB User
Best friend is a lump on the log

My best friend since I was really quite young is really bringin me down.
She used to be the most extroverted girl I knew and now she hardly ever wants to do things with even me,her best friend.She'll always say she doesnt feel like it.Shes with a guy that shes been with for years and Im not too sure how he treats her,I know that sometimes he can be down right cruel and tell her that he couldnt care less about what she wants to do and she never stands up for herself(that I know of).I always tell her to move in with me (I have a large 2 bedroom apartment) She wont move out though,Im pretty sure its because she is afraid that her boyfriend wont want to go out with her anymore and the fact that shes living with him is kind of "keeping them together" She really doesn't like anyone anymore,sometimes I even wonder if she even likes me or if shes just using me for rides and to have someone to make fun of to make herself feel better (she'll say things like *why whould you want to borrow my pants? Like they would ever fit you..*) Not that shes any skinnier than me,shes gained at least fifty pounds in the last year and seems to be gaining more and more because she never does anything.She has no motivation in life whatsoever,she doesnt want to go to college or get a job or even go out cuz she "hates people"
I know that she wasnt like this before and that her boyfriends influence has alot to do with it because hes a real jerk to most people and doesnt ever like to be around people.Shes also very selfish about things.She wont ever let me borrow anything of hers,I think shes let me borrow a shirt or two maybe five times in our whole friendship but when she comes to my apartment I let her borrow (or have) what she wants..Im a giving person and I would like for her to acknowledge that I share with her so she should share with me.I really dont know what to do about her.Whenever I tell her something that my fiance did for me that I liked (hes the sweetest man alive) She will give me a look as if to say *what an idiot* That angers me because hes a really great guy.

Does anyone know what could be wrong with her and what I can do to help..

I know that this isnt my problem but shes my best friend and I know that she can be a better person and go further in live then where she is now.

Suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank You.

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Old 11-19-2003, 12:40 AM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, Canada
Posts: 478
Meg28 HB User
I don't want to be mean but I don't think you are ready to help your friend. From what you wrote, you turned your best friend's pain into it being about you.

Having said that, I believe your friend is likely suffering from depression. That is a real disease and it does not make her a selfish. It doesn't mean she can't be a better person. She probably is already a great person who is suffering tremendously. Who are you to know if she should go further in life? That's her own decision.

I know that you really love her. You wouldn't be worried if you didn't. But you need to adjust your way of thinking on this. If in fact this is depression then she is ill. She's not trying to hurt you....she's hurting.
If you want to help her just be there for her when she wants it. Don't press her to do anything or tell her she should be different than what she is. Tell her you'll be there when she's ready. You could possibly mention depression to her but you need to be careful with that too. She may deny it amorously. Or she may agree. If she does agree, gently suggest that she sees her doctor.
As for her boyfriend, well, I think you should ask her about the way he is treating her. Tell her she deserves to be treated better. But this again is something she is going to have to realize herself.
When suffering from depression, people often isolate themselves from family and friends. They do not enjoy the same things that they used to.
I was in this situation (and still am to a degree) but in the reverse position. I have suffered from severe depression for a little over 20 years. My best friend had a very hard time accepting this and constantly pushed me to do better. In fact she looked down on me. She denied my depression even as she was majoring in psychology. Things are much better now but when I go down I still isolate myself. I do not answer the phone; I avoid contact as much as possible. She now recognizes this and doesn't take it personally, although it still isn't easy on her. We are able to communicate by email though when I'm at my worst. It doesn't always have to do with the boyfriend. I am married to the sweetest man on earth but that doesn't cure me.
I'm going on and on and I'm sorry if I was insensitive to you. I don't mean to be, I just want you to see it from a different prospective.
Good luck,

Old 11-19-2003, 02:30 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 657
Redhead23 HB User
It does sound like she is either suffering from depression or the guy she is living with is being abusive (one sign of an abusive relationship is the abused partner withdrawing socially), or both.

But as the previous poster has said it does not sound like you are ready or willing to "help her" since you are acting too selfishly and making this all about how much YOU want your friend to be there for you.

Sorry love but your friend needs someone who can be strong with her and help her out of this situation, not someone who puts additional pressure on her
25, female, AS with attentional dysfunction

Inhibited Perfectionist

Old 11-19-2003, 05:58 PM   #4
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 6
navywifemaine HB User
But as the previous poster has said it does not sound like you are ready or willing to "help her" since you are acting too selfishly and making this all about how much YOU want your friend to be there for you.
Im acting selfishly?

Could you please go back and actually read my post.

I try and try and try and try to help her and she just treats me like garbage.Ill tell her that she looks nice or that shes really smart and could go far in life or that shes funny,every sincere compliment in the book and still shes hurtful towards me,this is not about me,its about her,I want to help her to get back to the person she once was,even though when she was that person she still wasnt nice to me but thats not the point.

Friends help friends,I dont care if she wont be nice to me in return,she never really was all that nice but that doesnt mean I dont want the best for her.

I couldnt believe the last two posts.They really made me mad.

I came here for help,not to be analyzed and said to be selfish by you people.

The only was I could explain to you how she is,is by telling you my experiences with her,otherwise youd have no idea what I was talking about.I know I said that she was bringing me down,which is true,she brings everyone down,she hates everyone and is sarcastic about everything,you couldnt have a serious conversation with her about her "depression" to save her life

I know depression,I have looked it in the eye many times in my life so dont talk to me like Im ignorant.

My God,when did these boards get so political?

Old 11-19-2003, 06:15 PM   #5
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 186
burtonbabe HB User
it does not sound like you are ready or willing to "help her" since you are acting too selfishly and making this all about how much YOU want your friend to be there for you.

She came on her and typed out something that would ideally,give her ways to help and even identify what was wrong with her friend.

How the hell is it about her?

If it was then she'd sound more like jacky from that 70's show and not a caring individual.

Is it so wrong for her to ask for something out of a friendship that she gives and gives and gives to?

No,its not...Shes a giving person and her friend sounds like a real ******.
She said that even when she wasnt stayin at home all the time that she still treated her bad,Why do people take out their self esteem problems on their closest friends? Hmmmmm...

Navywife....Your a wicked gal for being conderned about your friend..I wish I had a friend like you,I really do.Ignore those other replies..People on these boards are so self righteous some times.They always seem to have to play Dr.Phil and solve everyones problems with their "different perspectives"

Your friend might need help,from what you say she may be depressed.Id encourage her to talk about things with you but done be like "your depressed" because that will just put her on the defensive side.

Why does she stay with this guy? Why does any girl stay in an abusive relationship? Ohhhhh,I silly of me..Shes in "love" with him.Thats funny,I wasnt aware that the definition of love was treating the other peron like dirt but hey WHAT DO I KNOW ????

Every relationship has problems,yes I grant you that but when the other persons whole identity is changed and they have a completey different outlook well that aint right and whats worse is when the girl isnt even bothered by it,she'll just be his little house wife


My boyfriends friend was tellin us about this girl he was with for about a year,hes a real punk,he plays in a band and all that other craaaaazy stuff and after they started goin out she totally turned punk and forgot who she was and just turned into a little puppet,he reallyt didnt like that so he broke up with her.Most self respecting guys would.

On the other hand,control freaks enjoy conformity,it gets them off so they go for people that they know they can mould,,not that your friend seems a like a jar of play do but maybe she thinks that thats what HE wants

Hope this helped...

Look at me
you may think you see who I really am
but youll never know me
now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
but I cannot fool my heart
who is that girl I see,starting straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who Iam inside..

Old 11-19-2003, 08:53 PM   #6
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Location: Huntsville
Posts: 559
Monday1954 HB User
Hey Navy Wife, it does sound like your friend is depressed, but if she doesn't want to seek help, you can't make her. None of us can ever really figure out what makes another person act like they do. I totally understand about your friend. I too had a friend very much like her.

We started being friends when we were 13 years old, she got married when she was 16 (thought she was pregnant), her husband was in the Army, she dropped out of high school when he was stationed in Germany. She went there to live with him, he sent her back a few months before he got out, and then didn't even call her when he got out of the military and came back home. He did finally contact her and told her he wanted a divorce. She was 19, right away she latched onto another guy and chased him until he married her (boy the tales I could tell you about how hard she chased him).

Husband #2, had an affair within the first few months of their marriage and continued to do so for the next 20 years. She stayed with him because she was basically lazy and didn't want to work. Had two children that she didn't really want to spend time with, but she thought of as cement to her marriage. One day he came in and told her he wanted a divorce and got one.

She is very vindictive and did all kinds of things to both of her exes that you wouldn't believe, mean things. She always had this streak, she just didn't aim it at me, but she continually cut me down and made snide remarks. She told me how to raise my children, she told me how I should conduct my marriage, she talked bad, really bad about everyone. She used me to get close to my brother-in-law, they have now been dating 7 years. He tells everyone they are not dating, just friends and she tells everyone they are in love!! We are not talking young people here, he is 51 and she is 50. He told me he is afraid of her and doesn't want to risk her rath by cutting her off. She tries to interfere with all aspects of your life and always knows the correct way.

After several times that she really made me mad, I fianlly realized - I didn't like her - I don't like people with her personality traits. I was just used to the type of friendship we had and never rocked the boat, seethed sometimes but never challenged her. One day I had enough, she was accusing me of keeping secrets from her (not, just didn't want the entire world to know my business) and she said "Don't you trust me?" I said no, and just hung up the phone. After thinking about it for a while, I decided with friends like her that always criticized me, corrected me and was downright mean - I rather not have a friend like that. That was not a friend. A friend is someone you can count on, not cut you down.

Long, rambling post, but if she brings you down, criticizes you and makes you feel down when around her, you need to let that acquaintace go, you may have outgrown each other. My friend was also depressed, but most of it was because she lacked any motivation to do better, she wouldn't go to school, she wouldn't work and she would try to cling to any man she could so she would be taken care of. All her choices, she ended up bitter and mean and vindictive. Not what I needed in my life. In the long run I decided she was jealous of me and cut me down to make herself feel better. Not very many people liked her, but for years I defended her, saying "Well, she is just having a tough time now", well she might have been but I have been happier not having her in my life. That has been two years ago in October and I haven't missed the drama at all, the meaness directed at me either.

Think about this friendship, is a habit or a true friendship? Would you be happier without having her around? I am certainly happier without my 'friend'.

Old 11-19-2003, 09:21 PM   #7
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, Canada
Posts: 478
Meg28 HB User
"People on these boards are so self righteous some times.They always seem to have to play Dr.Phil and solve everyones problems with their "different perspectives"

Well, I'm not self righteous in the least...I may shoot from the hip but I'm always honest. LOL Dr. Phil?? I'm not trying to solve your problem. I just gave you my perspective on the whole issue. You asked for help and for suggestions...that's simply what I gave you. I'm sorry you didn't like my response. Had no idea I was being "political". If you understood depression then you would understand what you're friend is going through.
I'm sorry that you really didn't read my post because I think there was some good advice in there. But it's perfectly fine for us to disagree without such anger.
Monday had a point with your friend's behaviour. You said that she's always treated you like crap. Why then do you expose yourself to that? Why do you want to help her return to the way she once was, when she has always been awful to you?
Again, I'm sorry I offended you. I seriously hoped you could see this from a different set of eyes.

Old 11-19-2003, 09:22 PM   #8
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: NY
Posts: 483
stolie HB User
I agree with Monday. Your friendship does not sound like a friendship right now. You are in two very different places. If her relationship is as bad as you say, then it probably only makes her feel worse to hear you speak glowingly of yours. They say misery loves company and that may be the case with her.
So, if you can't handle it and feel she's not willing or able to change, or if you're simply not getting out of the friendship what you require, then maybe it's time to take a break from it. She is unlikely to change if you pressure her; in fact, it probably will only drive the two of you further apart.

You should do what you need to do to take care of you. Good luck.

Old 11-19-2003, 09:36 PM   #9
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LuckyStar1 HB User
Navywife: First and foremost, you are *NOT* being selfish! I couldn't believe those other posts! You are concerned about your friend and you want to help her! (That was the point of your entire post, I know!! ) So don't worry girl, I know you care about your friend and not being selfish....That being said...
Communication is key! Have you had a seriously talk with her one on one about your concerns? You need to let her know how you feel about her not being social anymore and how you are concerned. Ask her what might be going on. This may be walking into deep water...but ask her if it has anything to do with her boyfriend. (She probably will get offended). But if you "get it out there" for her to realize that YOU KNOW he may be abusive, she may open up to you later.
This situation is a tough one b/c you are sort of getting in between your friend and her boyfriend. And it looks as if she will "side" with her b/f. You can only do so much to help. If she doesn't want to be honest with you for the reasoning why she has been so may want to reconsider her loyalty to you. Does her family know about her "transformation." She may need serious help if she is being abused. If this guy is controlling her life, you have no way of helping her b/c she is under his command.
All in all you need to talk to her. Tell her you are hear for her no matter what. And that guys will come and go but friends will always be there. Yet I am doubting she will listen. Her b/f sounds like real jerk. Her self-esteem is low (since she is sadly hurting you with her remarks) and doesn't want to spend time with you...something is definitely up! I mean it may not even be her b/f... it may be something totally different! Who knows! Only she does, yet she refuses to open up to you. Your friend may need professional help. Yet she may not want it since she is "in love" and love is blind. There is only so much you can do. If my friend was depressed and refused to get help from me or professionals...I don't think I'd continue to give her rides or hang out with her IF SHE IS GOING TO BRING ME DOWN with hurtful remarks. Sometiimes these situations will never be solved b/c your friend doesn't see it as a problem...thats why women continue to stay in abusive relationships.
Well, I tried my best with my 2 cents! I wish the best of luck to you and your friend! I just hope one day your friend will get out of that abusive relationship b/c no one deserves to be treated like that or be depressed.
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow ~ Author uknown

Last edited by LuckyStar1; 11-19-2003 at 09:36 PM.

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