It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

Lost First Love what can I do?


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-20-2003, 03:34 AM   #1
LostFirstLove
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
LostFirstLove HB User
Unhappy Lost First Love what can I do?

Met a girl and we started to go out for about 4 or 5 months, recently we broke up do to some issues in our relationship. It turns out that I got mad at her for going to a bar and wanting to goto a club with her friends on her 21st bday. I often brought it up making her upset and me upset because she was going to go without me to a club and bar. To some this is a insecurity and to others this is fact that you dont go to clubs or bars without your bf or gf.


Also I have became very possessive, and often cried whenever we would fight, I never cry and I dont know why I do all of a sudden. I have had past relationships that never lasted more than a week at the most, she is my longest relationship. I have never fell in love before and I did with her. We broke up a few days ago. My mom died in 2000 and I always think about some of the things she did to my dad, but I also see how my dad kind of drove her to do those things. She cheated on him more than once, and all my past relationships ive been cheated on, so naturally I felt that my gf would cheat on me. She never has or ever would. But we eventually didnt have convo's at all it was mainly argueing about each others faults, and I often got angry and upset easily, and I thought I had it all under control before I met her.


She has helped me see alot of my insecurities, and we broke up but remain good friends. Hopefully there is a possiblity we will get back together again after we get to know each other better and i fix these issues in my life. Is there any way to overcome these things and how? I want to be successful but I only have a G.E.D. and im 22 and just now starting to goto college, i dont have a car and only work PT I feel like such a loser and live with my dad and am in debt almost 2000 dollars which I feel I will have paid off in a few months, but how do I be successful and not live paycheck to paycheck, what does that mean anyways? "paycheck to paycheck"? Can someone please help me know what a girl really wants and see's in a guy that makes a relationship last? and how a guy should see how a girl looks at things and how to accomplish these things in his own heart to please her? AHHHHH I NEED HELP PLEASE HELP!!!!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-20-2003, 08:57 AM   #2
hairqueen
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 59
hairqueen HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

it sounds like a hard situation for you!! all first loves are hard to get over. and i think that you should work on feeling good about yourself before you move on to someone else. not everyone has their life together at the age of 22. you still need to figure out what direction you want your life to go. have you figured out what you are going to school to learn??
it sounds like your girlfriend isn't ready to be that serious yet. i do think that couples need to do things together, and separatly with their friends. did the 2 of you plan to do something together for her birthday??
i can understand why yolu would worry that she might cheat. but you have to have trust in a relationship. just because your mom cheated , doesn't mean that every girl cheats. and i personally believe that there is no room in a relationship for cheating. no one deserves to be cheated on. you have to establish good communication.
living paycheck to paycheck simply means that you spend everything you earn. living beyond your means. you should have some kind of savings for emergencies. i personally have worked for a few companies that either closed or had layoffs. and it certainly helps to have money stashed away. especially with this unstable economy.
i think you should just have fun with your friends, meet new people and enjoy your life. go to school and concentrate on getting a good job, and the right girl will come along when the time is right. if you focus too much on how sad you are about losing your gf, you will just make yourself miserable.
i hope you feel better!!

 
Old 11-20-2003, 02:50 PM   #3
LostFirstLove
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
LostFirstLove HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

Hey thanks.

Ya I kinda just felt that I wanted to go do something with her for her Bday but we never really talked about it, this was like at the end of summer, but ya.... And she did goto a club once without me she doesnt always go that was the only time that I can think or know of and she went to a sports bar once without me there. But the night before we broke up for good, was different, I finally started to understand how dumb I was being and I knew that I should let her be herself and how maybe when we got together, we got together too soon and never really got a chance to know each other for who we really are. Maybe we have though I dont know. But I told her that I would and could respect any decision she makes, because I have to face these things and get over them. Not focusing on bad things like that anyways.

How would I establish a way of not living from paycheck to paycheck right now? I only make about 250 every 2 weeks and I have alot of bills and am trying to get a car. What im thinking of doing is when I get my financial aid from school is to pay off most of my bills so I dont have to have them anymore. I mean use some of the left over money but I dont know if thatd be a good idea or not. I also am thinking of buying this car for 300 its not the best car but it runs and its kinda ugly looking right now, but I jjst think of it as I can fix it up to be a really nice looking car and make it run really good. But yeah money is kinda tough right now and for the whole summer I didnt even try to find a job really and she got really mad and discouraged by that because I chose to live on my unemployment check and go have fun and value fun over work. I understand how stupid I was, I just wanted her to know I am not a boring person and I want her to have fun with me but I didnt do it right I guess.....

Ok well can anyone give some relationship advice I mean like what kind of things a girl looks for that she would feel comfortable with a guy? I know they like confidence and dont like insecurities. Like what kind of things are considered insecurities?

 
Old 11-20-2003, 03:26 PM   #4
oceandreams
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 555
oceandreams HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

You really should be commended for taking a very truthful look at yourself and setting about finding ways of changing some things you don't like. A lot of people spend most of their lives just drifting along (like you were), and never really attempt to better themselves much. I think it's admirable that you're starting college, and that you're willing to put in the work it takes to do that. You asked what kinds of things girls look for, well you already have some major plusses going for you just by doing some of the things you mentioned (learning about yourself and how to overcome your insecurities, going to college to better your financial situation, paying off past debts). All of these things show that you are maturing, and that you want a better future for yourself. I think the kinds of girls you wish to attract will see this in you. More self confidence will naturally follow as you continue to make improvements in your life.

As to your current financial situation, most people your age have a difficult time financially, as you just won't be able to get high paying jobs yet. I would say try to get the debt paid off first, otherwise that will just hold you down, especially if you are paying interest on it. Then start working on putting something into savings - with each and every paycheck, take a percentage (say 10% or whatever you can afford) and put it into a savings account and leave it there. Just get into the habit of doing this, and you will learn how to live on what you earn while managing to save something. Try to get a college grant (due to your financial situation, you might be able to get a grant each semester), or a college loan, but be careful with the loans since you will have to pay them back one day. Continue living with your father if possible, and continue to work at least part-time while you're in college. Perhaps your father would even be willing to help pay your tuition. You are really on the right track with your life, things will only get better for you in the future.

 
Old 11-20-2003, 04:52 PM   #5
hairqueen
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: pennsylvania
Posts: 59
hairqueen HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

i think oceandreams had some good advice about money.
well as a 21 year old myself, i can tell you what I look for in a guy: i look for someone who i enjoy being with, who has similar interests, and beliefs. someone who can make me laugh and who is there for me when i need them. i am not really into the club scene, (as lots of my friends are) but i look for someone who has goals. (other than getting laid and getting drunk every weekend. ) but that is just my opinion. it all depends on the girl. some mature faster than others. its a tough age!! but the great thing is, every body who you meet/date will ultimatly teach you something about youself, and what you desire out of life. some of those lessons may be hard, but i think that when you eventually find the right person for you, you will have learned so much, and be able to have a wonderful relationship.

 
Old 11-20-2003, 10:08 PM   #6
LostFirstLove
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
LostFirstLove HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

Hey cool, Thanks again you two, and if anyone could give some advice or at least let me know what you thought of their advice thatd be helpful. OK, well I have a whole lot more to talk about haha man this is kinda bad huh? When you didnt really realize you had much wrong with you until someone you really love finally tells you and it took the whole breaking up thing to make me really realize how dumb I actually have been. I used to party alot and get drunk and high and I dropped out of high school, I used to be a grungy type stoner kid I guess you'd say. I used to try and grow my hair out long and be like Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, but then as I turned 18 the year I dropped out of high school I started to look at my life and see that I have responsiblities and it wasnt always easy and I didnt always keep those things I knew I needed to do.


I knew that I shouldve saved up money and bought a car, go get myself into college, and get off drugs and cut my hair and quit dressing sloppy and dumb looking. I went from long hair, ripped up clothes (always washed though haha), to short hair and preppy pretty boy look (not all gay either, you can look good and not be gay haha). I changed my appearance, and noticed that I hardly ever had any girls like me from before and then all of a sudden im being hit on alot almost everyday it seems like. I never fell in love or anything and didnt just go for a girl just because she was good looking or anything. But I finally got off drugs in March 2000 since i was never addicted to them it wasnt hard for me at all, I just quit like I never did them at all, and I did them for a few years, just pot that is. Quit drinking alltogether and partying. And alot of my so called friends quit hanging out with me besides my best friend of course, me and him are alot alike, yet he somehow knows how to keep a relationship going and be in control of it. I see how he never lets his girlfriend be in charge, is this what girls really want? I mean like a cocky kinda guy but not too cocky and not a dick either?


I tried to model or immitate that way of acting even though it really isnt me at all, and it just ended up with me and my girlfriend fighting. Well we arent together anymore but we talk everyday since then and are trying to still be friends, and also were trying to not be attached anymore but its not really easy. But I finally got myself into school after being lazy and turning in all the things I needed to get financial aid to goto school. I shouldve did it all back in the summer time and I didnt do everything because I didnt feel like it I was apethetic in doing things, I wanted to go out and have fun all summer rather than find a job, pay off my bills, save up money, get a car, my own place, and goto school.


I know alot that there are alot of girls who will put up witha guy like that who dont really try to go and make something of himself while they still can, but I also know that too much fun and hardly any effort in changing for the better makes you end up broke and in poverty which is the way I was raised in.Parents did drugsm fought, were poor and so on and eventually divorced. So thats why I dont want to be that kind of guy to myself and to my gf future spouse or whatever, and also I want to raise my children in a decent middleclass family if possible.So ya.... Anyways. What kind of confidence do most girls in general want in a guy, and like how should a guy behave in a relationship to make it last and keep the fire burning hotter for the relationship so it dont go dull?

 
Old 11-21-2003, 12:33 PM   #7
oceandreams
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 555
oceandreams HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

The questions you're asking like "what kinds of things do girls like in a guy, do they like guys to take control", etc., are hard to answer because each girl is different and will like different things. There are girls who like to be controlled, even bullied, but these kinds of girls often suffer from very low self-esteem (even though it may not appear that way before you really get to know them). You tried acting that way with your girlfriend, and it caused problems, maybe even ran her off. She probably wants someone who will treat her as an equal and not try to control her. It sounds like this is the kind of girl you want, not someone who likes being bullied. There are tons of girls out there who want a guy they can really talk to, who listens and cares about them as human beings, and who they can feel comfortable enough with to just be themselves.

What you need to do (in my opinion ) is stop worrying about what kinds of things girls look for in a guy, and continue concentrating on being the kind of person YOU want to be. You have already made many decisions on what you want to do with your life, now you need to follow through with your goals. This shows that you think highly enough of yourself to work for the things you want and that you will not give up easily. The fact that you are working to improve yourself and your life will give you more self confidence, and girls will see this and be attracted to you. Then, just be yourself with them, don't try to be someone you're not by acting in ways that don't feel natural to you.

 
Old 11-21-2003, 11:27 PM   #8
LostFirstLove
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 12
LostFirstLove HB User
Re: Lost First Love what can I do?

My girlfriend that we just broke up and stuff, well she got this job she has worked hard and went to school for and stuff, and she was maybe joking or actually thinking of sending a picture of her badge to everyone she knows, but I said "yep" and she was like getting mad at me saying i dont care. What am I supposed to say? She was like thanks for being happy for me, I said "I AM", then I said something like "I do care and am glad but I would brag about it." or something like that so now shes all mad thinking I said she was bragging and thats not what I meant at all. I meant that ya I am happy and its cool if she wants to go ahead and send it out but not to brag about it, and she thinks im being an *** about it. So I dont know what her problem is I even told her what I meant but I didnt react to her at all, i was just sitting here calmly looking at a magazine about cars. So ya. Anyways is there any way I can get her not to be ****** off at me all the time? She thinks im always negative and take things as a personal attack on me, and everyone tells me that she says that stuff to make herself look better than she is and she dont realize it, yet I kinda dont know anymore. I know she says she loves me and stuff or she did, but she is always griping at me telling me how I can and cant do this or that, and even went as far as to tell me how I have no responsibilties and have poverty tendancies and I know that she has a BA in Psycology and is working on a MA in Counseling, and has a counseling job finally, but still she shouldnt go about doing things like that that is wrong. So thats why I got so mad alot of times at her and cussed at her and told her off about how she is, because I got tired of hearing her complain about me all the time, and I know it was wrong of me to do it but I did it. Some things she is right about but not everything and she doesnt realize she pushes me to get that way alot of times and I dont know how to deal with it. So she finally broke up with me and told me how I need to change alot and go to counseling because of my anger, when she does just as bad and maybe even worse than I am. So I have no idea, I know all about Psycology and counseling stuff ive studied it all but havent went to school for it, and I know how they think and reason to any kind of situation, they always think everyone needs counseling or therapy for something, well it isnt true. so they should get over it! At least I think so. So I dont know what I feel towards her anymore, yet I know I always can be willing to forgive her and I always do no matter what because of this one thing "love" that I have for her. Yet I have been feeling like, man girl go get some help and quit blaming me for everything. She thinks I take everything she says as a negative attack on me and I take it personal, well alot of times it can be interpreted that way and everyone see's it the same way too and its not only me who see's that. But she says she knows she isnt wrong blah blha blah so ya.... is there anyway to get to her, to be able to play her game and let her know where she is wrong but in a caring less hurtful way then yelling at her? Man I am just tired of hearing her always focus on how i "WAS" and not how I am "TRYING TO BE NOW" you know what I mean why do girls think this way ahhhhhh help me someone.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
I lost my girlfriend and love of my life Matt1 Grief & Loss 27 05-20-2014 05:34 AM
am i a lost cause? please help. mochi* Relationship Health 22 06-02-2010 12:58 PM
Oh no....I lost my pain meds.... schao Pain Management 27 04-28-2010 10:23 AM
lost love, moving on, and feeling far behind... mochi* Relationship Health 13 07-11-2009 02:32 PM
I feel lost...boyfriend is the cause? chicka88 Relationship Health 3 09-03-2008 07:23 PM
Confused, alone, lost, in need of help. Badly Angelwing Teen Health 5 07-19-2006 10:07 PM
My mums lost it! minimeksa Relationship Health 8 09-06-2005 12:24 PM
That lost feeling.... dragonspirit Relationship Health 4 05-23-2005 04:39 AM
have you ever lost the one you think you're supposed to be with? liquidstar Relationship Health 14 02-15-2005 09:15 PM
I've lost all hope.. AnotherOne Depression 30 10-25-2002 08:59 PM




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:14 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2017 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!