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Trying to be a friend to an ex-boyfriend


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Old 11-25-2003, 12:59 PM   #1
rdaviso78
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Unhappy Trying to be a friend to an ex-boyfriend

I went out with this guy for 4 years and he was, and I'm pretty sure still is, my true love. My senior year of high school and then 3 years of college. He was a year younger and ended up at the same college as I did. I always had a crush on him so when we started going out it was great. And it was great all throughout our 4 years. But then towards the end it was apparent that each of us needed to figure things out for ourselves because we had never known anyone else like this and we were still young. I was the one that actually said we need to take a break. Well then p.s. long story short we each went off and dated other people. We keep in touch regularly and we hang out platonically. But he always falls in love with people he dates and the girls are not that great (one was a drug addict, one went into a mental institution, and one stole money from him) while I can't find anyone I would even want to have a second date with. In the between times when each of us is single we hang out more and we start getting physical. I think that maybe we're getting back together and then blamo, he starts seeing other girls. And let me clarify by saying is that he is the most kind hearted person who always sees the good in people, hence some of the girls he dates. He doesn't party or drink at all. But like right now he started seeing this other girl and he says he still loves me and cares about me and I'm one of his best friends. Most recently he couldn't find a decent job with benefits so I helped get him a job in my office. So now I have to see the person who every time I see him want to cry. Am I a total idiot? I did what I knew was right as a friend who cares about his wellfare but threw my emotions right into a tizzy. He is the only person who ever gets me like this. Should I just never talk to him? He is one of the people I count on when things go wrong, like my dad is seriously ill he is always there to help me with that when I'm about to loose it. Any suggestions? Cause I'm a mess. I don't want to loose him as a friend but I also have stay sane. And now I'm going to be stuck working with him.

 
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Old 11-25-2003, 03:01 PM   #2
nelzun
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Re: Trying to be a friend to an ex-boyfriend

I think that you are probably the closest person to him and maybe he doesn't want to lose you. He may need to experience life and make all the mistakes he can before he is finally ready to settle down and make a real effort at something. Why would he practice on you? Maybe he's saving all the real feelings for last, hoping you'll still be there for him after he's done his search.

Hey if you're still there waiting, it might work. But don't sell yourself short and miss opportunities yourself.

Just my opinion because I have a best male friend. Both of us have disfunctional relationships all the time. We used to date 7 years ago and we are close like family, but more. We have serious relationships and we respect each other's partners. But they never last.

Everyone, including us, always talk about how we are perfect for each other. I think it's just about us being serious and we aren't yet. We are having fun, not jealous and we are the best of friends. We've always said that we would raise a child together if we didn't have any babies by the time he's 30 and I'm 33.

I'm 26 and he's 23 now. So there are many years of experiences and dating left ahead of us. But no matter what, we will always be friends and that's something we can both count on. (can't count on the men or women we date).

 
Old 11-26-2003, 07:46 AM   #3
rdaviso78
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Re: Trying to be a friend to an ex-boyfriend

It's good to know that someone else has a similar situtation. It's hard when your friends never talked to their ex's and think it's weird that an ex is your best friend. So their advice is to never talk to him again. But he and I are too close for me to ditch him. I unfortunatley do get jealous but I say it once to get it out of my system and don't say it again to him. His new girlfriend wants to meet me but I think it would be her checking me out to make sure I'm not a threat. I don't want to meet her either because I want to not meet the girl who has what I can't. It's to protect me from obsessing over what could have been. I know he's not up for marriage or kids because he still has a lot he wants to do and that's not what I want out of him right now either. I hope you're right about him realizing later. I still date and have the occasional boyfriend but I haven't found anyone that I had the same spark for. I'll have to let you know how it goes when he starts working in my office. I'm sure I'll need some advice then.

 
Old 11-26-2003, 08:08 AM   #4
nelzun
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Re: Trying to be a friend to an ex-boyfriend

My best friend and I do meet each other's new flames. He asks my opinion and I ask his. It's been longer since he and I have dated though. He gets jealous sometimes because I don't show him the same amount of attention, but generally he's like a protective older brother and tends to have a little "talk" with my new man about not hurting me. It's almost cute because my own family has never screened anyone I've dated.

I do the same for him, but we are not so much in love that this bothers us. What is comforting to both of us is that NOONE can replace the bond that we have. The new girl doesn't have what you can't have. You actually hold more cards than you think. It's her that should be jealous of you because she will come and go and you'll still be in his life.

Plenty of my best friend's ex's have confided in me that they were insecure about our relationship because we had a closeness that they never achieved.

Let me know how things go. Just remember if you can stay friends thru all of these changes you will have something truely special.

 
Old 12-01-2003, 08:36 AM   #5
rdaviso78
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Re: Trying to be a friend to an ex-boyfriend

I think you're right. Sometimes I forget that his new girlfriends don't have as much history as he and I. And I know that he has a good heart and I value him as a friend and a person much more then any kind of petty jealousy I may harbor out of my own selfishness. Sometimes I loose sight of that. Oh by the way he started his job today and he's doing really well. I'm proud of him. Thanks for the insight! Sometimes you need to hear reason from another person who is not so close to the issue.

 
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