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-   -   Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/129791-best-friends-coldness-hostility-help-me.html)

Tyger 11-26-2003 06:17 PM

Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me!
 
Hey everyone, (sorry this is long, please read!)

I've been dating my current boyfriend for a little over a year now, and as far as relationships go, ours is fantastic (apart from a few mother issues I've discussed in another post). He's a little older than me - I'm almost 20 and he's 25, but no two people could get along better. He's adorably caring, and both of us enjoy similar interests and share the same sense of humour.

This problem is to do with my (former?) best friend. Both her and I have known my bf for a few years before we began dating (she's never ever had any prolonged interest in him, maybe just a passing whim now and then, don't really know) and she was clearly a little surprised when we got together and started going out.
Since then, and progressively as time goes on, she's been SO hard to get along with. This saddens me, as we used to have a great friendship, but now she gets extremely bitchy and hostile over little things towards me, and is SO defensive about everything. We've always been competative, which is something I hate but is evident in everything we do. I concluded that she just felt left out, as any girl does when her best friend finds a bf, so I practically knocked myself out trying to spend time with her and make her happy, like 'old times'. But even if I'd get through to her on one or two occasions and things would be going well, the next day she'd suddenly be moody and hostile again. I try not to even mention my boyfriend when I'm around her - I've even found myself slagging my bf off a little bit to her, in an effort to make her feel as if I'm on 'her side'. I HATE that. I love my man and feel horrible saying anything negative about him. :(

Recently, my friend has started dating this other guy we have known for ages. She has shown no prior interest in him, and sometimes I wonder whether her main motivation for going out with him is to 'beat' me or have something else to 'do'. She seems determined to make it work with him now, she tries to spend ALL her time with him and virtually ignores all my msgs and calls.
BUT...and this doesn't seem to fit with everything else...when I have a problem with my bf, and confide in her about it, she generally tries to help. We almost broke up once, and I was so devastated that I didn't move from her couch. She helped me then, even rang my bf to see what was going on. Yet a week after we were back together, bang, she's cold and moody again.
Am I to be blamed for her hostility? Is there a way to salvage our friendship? I feel as if she's just drifting further and further from me, and with this new guy of hers she'll probably be even harder to reach. I work with her, so its gonna be horrible if we begin to dislike eachother. Please help and comment! :eek:

Tyger.

burtonbabe 11-26-2003 06:33 PM

Re: Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me!
 
Maybe its just hard for her to see how great of a relationship that you and your bf have.If shes your best friend then obviously theres the good ole competition factor going on there,best friends are always competing,even if they wont admit it,they really do about alot of things,especially guys.

Do you tell her all the time how awesome your bf is,not that thats a bad thing but do you over do it?

Thats the hard part about having friends that cant be happy for you,I have one and I cant tell her ANYTHING without her being like "oh yeah? well I....."

Has she ever been in a long term relationship before with someone she actually liked or was it for other reasons?

Its cool that she helps you when your in trouble,Im like that too with people.Someone can **** me off so bad and do the meanest things to me but when their in trouble I cant help but to give them a hand.


Hope this helped.

Peace

Jennak 11-26-2003 07:33 PM

Re: Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me!
 
Just try to be really nice to her... It sounds like she feels the need to be needed by YOU... and may be a little threatened by the attension that you are giving your bf. (You mentioned that she does try to be there for you when you are down and out with a bf.)

I had a similar situation once...my best friend introduced me to my ex husband. But as soon as I was happy with him--and no longer crying on her shoulder about the ex I'd had before that--she became distant and mean. Finally, she broke down once while drunk and told me that she felt I would not need her anymore since I had him. Nothing could have been further from the truth!

Send her a card, telling her how important she is to your life--maybe once she knows, she will ease up. If she does'nt, it truly is HER problem. At least you will know that you've done all of the right things to save the friendship.

jenna

hairqueen 11-27-2003 07:23 AM

Re: Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me!
 
that sounds exactly like my ex-best friend. she used to get so jealous even when i would hang out with my other best friend. she would make me feel horrible for choosing to spend time with someone else. no matter how much time her and i would hang out-it was never enough. as for me having a boyfriend---forget about it!!! she was such a pain!! i met my husband through a friend of ours at a party and my friend became so jealous that she caused a huge scene and left!!! but you know what, for one of the first times in my life, i held my ground and i didn't go after her. but the whole time i dated him she was on again, off again. you gotta hold your ground. especially when you know you didn't do anything wrong. TRUE FRIENDS should be happy for you NO MATTER WHAT!! if you are happy with someone, why would she want to make you feel like ****?! you know you wouldn't do that to her. in my case, to make a long story short, my friend was supposed to be my maid of honor in my wedding, and about 3 weeks away, she threw a hissy fit about me getting married and 'not having time for her' and she just kept talking all this trash so you know what, no matter what i said to her she kept on being a ***** about it. and i told her that i only wanted true friends who could bew happy for me in my wedding. and therefor she was not in my wedding. we have not spoken in over 2 years. so i guess she was never really a true friend after all.
i am not trying to say to ditch your friend, but i am saying that you can't lose someone you love over your friends manipulative ways. do what you feel is right. and if she is a true friend, she won't do this to you.

zebra1 11-27-2003 12:41 PM

Re: Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me!
 
Sounds like a combination of feeling left out and jealousy.I would have a heart to heart talk with her about the feelings you have about her behavior towards you,really level with her.That's the only way you will truly know what's going on.It seems like she wants to either have you all to herself( or possibly your BF?).Some friendships just grow apart ,as I'm sure you are aware.

Tyger 12-01-2003 08:08 PM

Re: Best friend's COLDNESS & HOSTILITY. Help me!
 
Hey everyone, thanx for your replies,

Burtonbabe- its true, we do seem to be SO competitive (even though it is an unvoiced thing) in every situation from clothes to our job. I hate that but I'm a jealous person and cannot help but feel that competition, as I know she does.
As for telling her how 'awesome my bf is', no, I find that I NEVER say anything like that to her...maybe once or twice at the start of the relationship, but now I try to avoid the subject of my bf altogether in an effort to keep things civil between us. Sometimes, yes, I really want to say how great he is, but I bite down on my tongue and never mention it. The only time I talk about him to her is when I have a problem with him - she never seems to complain when I have something [I]negative[/I] to say about him.

She has never had a long term relationship (5 months longest) but she does seem to try to go out with people one after the other, constantly.

Hairqueen - my situation does sound very similar to the one you were in. Its like she's never happy when I'm spending time with anyone but her, but then she snobs me off to see her new bf as if she's teaching me a 'lesson' or something. I've only ever tried to be friendly and open with her since I started dating my bf, but she sees the time I spend with him as time that I am openly slagging her off. I don't know why!!!

More advice would be appreciated...thanx everyone.

Tyger :cool:


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