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boyfriend and his mother - help!

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Old 12-01-2003, 09:26 PM   #1
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Unhappy boyfriend and his mother - help!

Hi guys, I'm hoping you can give me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 13 months, and in a long distance relationship for over 9 months. I am currently going to school in the city, and he is living with his mother one hour away. I love him very much, but the distance thing is starting to get to me as I would like to see him more often than a few times a month. He often asks me if I would move in with him and his mother, but I cannot as I am going to university in my city. He however, is working at a dead-end job that pays a low wage and could easily move closer to me or even move in with me if it wasn't for his mother. Due to financial reasons, he is living with his mother to help support her, and because both of them are in low-paying jobs, it seems as though she will never get back on her feet. She has 3 other sons, 2 of whom work, but she will not except money from any of them but my boyfriend. I feel as though he is in an unfair situation, as he wants to go to college soon, but is unable to save any money because he is paying most of the bills. She often buys new clothes but rarely lets him spend money. Another reason why my boyfriend is scared to move out is because his mother will be alone when he moves out and he is scared she will become depressed - which I could see happening. She cried when her 21 year old son finally moved out, and still cries everytime she leaves after seeing them. She is very dependant on other people. I feel bad for her situation, but I do not feel it is fair of her to make her son feel guilty for wanting to move out. Anyway, I go to see him almost every weekend, but I am getting sick of the 2-3 hour bus ride it takes me just to get there, and I am equally sick of his mother. She is always around us, and even goes out on our dates with us! When we talk on the phone, she always kicks him off so she can call someone. She also brags about how good she is to my boyfriend, and implies that I will never be as good as her. I sometimes tease my boyfriend that he will be living with mommy until he is 40, but that only makes him very mad. I know he wants to move out, and I know he'd love to live with me, but I also know he's scared to leave his mom for financial and psychological reasons. I feel as though this situation will never get better, and that I'm wasting my time waiting for him to break away from his mom.

Sorry for this being so long. I just needed to rant, as I am totally fed up and the only thing keeping me in this relationship is my love for him and hope that things will change. Do you think they will?

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Old 12-02-2003, 04:28 AM   #2
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Re: boyfriend and his mother - help!

Did it ever occur to you that his mother "stays" like that so her son *will have to* support her?

If your BF is scared to move out then that is the answer, unfortunately. She will never change and in fact make do worse to get him back (if he ever moves out). Also for him it does give him a nice excuse to be non-committal. This is wierd on many levels.

You may love him but at 13 months you are approaching the time when your relationship has to move forward (in a good way) for you to continue being with him. Thats normal.

I can't tell you what to do but I hope you find some peace of mind. Good Luck!
Married 1990
2 daughters, 7 & 12
Suffer from allergies & other aliments
Quit smoking June 3 2003
Will be 39 in Feb.
Scared to turn 40

I am a work in progress...

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Old 12-02-2003, 04:51 AM   #3
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Re: boyfriend and his mother - help!

Sometimes if you want something to change, YOU have to be the one to change. Have you considered telling him that you love him and look forward to the day that he is living independently and that you would love to hear from him when that day comes?
It's hard to put love aside for awhile I know... but a relationship with your boyfriend/his mother obviously isn't a healthy one right now.
Think about it...

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Old 12-02-2003, 07:02 AM   #4
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Re: boyfriend and his mother - help!

Ok, first of all, you really should stop teasing him about living with his mommy until he's 40. It's obviously a hard and frustrating situation for him. Picking on him won't help. Suggest to him that he needs to get his brothers involved. You're right, it's not fair at all that he alone should be expected to sacrifice his entire life for her. If she won't take money from them, maybe they could give money to your boyfriend and he could pay the bills with it. But in any event, he needs to tell his brothers flat out "hey, mom's taking over my life and I need to get out. I'll help as much as I can, but she may need more help than I can give from a distance. If you guys care at all about her, you need to pitch in because I simply can't do it all and have any kind of life, and I have a right to a life." A good mom would be encouraging her son to spread his wings and go out on his own and get on with life. She sounds like she is in pretty serious need of professional help. He can tell her that he loves her, will always love her and be there for her as much as he can, but he needs to live his life now and she needs to take more responsibility for herself. Right now he's being what shrinks call an "enabler." He's helping her stay helpless and dependent. If he can't get help from her other sons or from another source, he may have to choose between having a life and risking his mother hurting herself or worse if he does, or staying with her and sacrificing his life and you. But you need to be prepared in case he choosed the latter.

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Old 12-02-2003, 07:22 PM   #5
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Re: boyfriend and his mother - help!

I can relate to your situation. My fiance's mom was living with him for a while when we met and it made for a sticky situation. My fiance is an incredibly generous person who is devoted to his family - almost to a fault. To make things worse his family has just come to demand things of him and I feel that they more than take advantage of him.
It is hard cutting the strings, but it has to be something that your boyfriend wants to do and works hard towards doing. It took some prodding and hand holding on my fiance's part to get his mom to where she is today, but she is now on her own for the first time in her life and living in her own place.
she does get lonely and never wants to see my finace or his siblings leave the house when they visit. She also calls and emails a lot but they are getting better at setting boundaries with her.
I forgot to mention that our relationship is also long distance on top of everything else. I understand how precious your time alone together can be and how difficult it can be to get it when mom is around. Maybe suggest she get together with a friend when you want time together?
I agree with what other people have said about trying to help move your relationship along and including his family in the process. Talk about your future together and try to set some long and short term goals so that your dreams can become a reality. Also try and get his brothers to help out as much as they can. Even something as simple as going to the pound and getting her a kitten to care for when your boyfriend moves out can help by giving her something new to care for and focus her energies on.
You are in a tough position, and his mom will always be a part of your life (as difficult as that may be at times). This is going to take a lot of patience, tough love and team work to make things happen.
Good Luck
Attitude is the difference between an adventure and an ordeal.

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Old 12-07-2003, 07:17 PM   #6
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Re: boyfriend and his mother - help!

Mommy's boy's are bad news. Stay away.

Last edited by Tyger; 05-24-2004 at 07:11 PM.

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