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    Old 12-05-2003, 07:48 AM   #1
    psabrina28
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    Angry Mother In-Law!!!

    Hi everyone...I come from a huge family where everyone is close and on good terms, but my husbands (he is an only child) family consists of his grandma, his mother, his step dad (my husband isn't close to him), his aunt and that's it! My mother in law has a brother but they don't haven't talked to each other in about 5 years! And all these people live in a little hickville town! I grew up in the city and had a much more lavish lifestyle.

    Now we are planning on moving closer to my family and the mother in law is getting so jealous! She says the most horrible things to my husband like 'Hmm once you move closer to 'them' they will control you...etc'. We have a 3 year old daughter and I think she just doesn't want her around my family...it's funny because my family is well travelled and well spoken but the mother in law talks loud and profanity comes out of her mouth like air! Basically she is a hilbilly...so what the hell is she trying to do here...i don't get it at all!

    Wouldn't you want your grand child to be well spoken and sound educated? I know I don't want my daughter to act or talk like them! We live about 3 hours away from them and whenever the mother in law asks if our daughter could stay with them for a week or so his answer is always 'no'...he is very different from them or I wouldn't be with him. I'm sorry everyone i have bottled this up a long time and i am typing whatever comes to my mind...

     
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    Old 12-05-2003, 08:10 AM   #2
    hillarynotclinton
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    OMG you sound like me. My mother in law is from the country and is flaky and uneducated and mean to me! My family is very different from his. My parents both have their master's degrees and have worked their way up to high standing. My husband's family is lucky to have a high school education, and some of them dont. IT didnt bother me at first and I gave them a fair chance, but they were very rude to me and my family, and my husband has HUGE issues with these people and wont say much except for "im a black sheep. and they are intimidated by you and that is why they are so rude". Our daughter is one and a half and noone even sent her a birthday gift or card from his family when she turned one. I saw some of them later and they practically berated me for not throwing her a huge party and inviting them all. She was a baby and we wanted to do something very small for her on her birthday, as she was sick. They insinuated that I am in charge of demanding their attention. I refuse. My daughter is very close to my parents, and they take the initiative to get to know her. His mother has even called me a B---!!! I give up . My husband and I are having problems, and if we split it may be a blessing for me as these people are so hard to deal with Id rather have a root canal. Luckily, I have my family-we are all very close, and dont need another. But I was open to them in the beginning.

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 08:21 AM   #3
    hb2002
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    I'm going to warn you in advance that you aren't going to like what I have to say. Tolerance is the operative word. You seem to have a zero tolerance level for not only your husband's family, but I would well imagine for anyone whom you would consider to be below the level of class you are willing to accept. The funny thing is, you have pleaded your case indicating that where you come from, and how you were raised, to be superior to your husband's family. Yet your words, actions and feelings show a complete lack of class; the very thing you are accusing your husband's family of. Calling anyone "hick" or "hillbilly", etc is not unlike racisim. In this case it is "class racism" rather than the racisim usally one thinks of when the word or subject is raised. Doing this to your husband's family is sincerely showing a complete disrespect to your husband. Raising your child to feel that her father's family is so classless and so beneath her, is only going to harm her. If you truly love your child you will teach her to be tolerant and accepting of others who may be different from her whether it be in social standard, race or religion. You need to understand what it is that is making you so unwillingly to accept that your husband was raised differently. Embarassment? Fear? Ignorance? Learn to accept and rejoice in the fact that the world is full of people who are different than you are. Learn to tolerate the differences and enjoy them, learn from them, and not to fear them. Your in-laws may not be the type of people you would chose to be around. But they are your husband's relatives. And they are your child's family too. Keeping her from them will not work in your favour. In the long run this issue is going to come between both you and your husband and you and your child. Not allowing your child to get to know her paternal family and to teach her not to be tolerant of others is going to let her growup with the shallow and sad viewpoint that you seem to have been raised with. There is nothing wrong with being a "hillybilly from a hicktown." Why you feel the need to shelter her from the "other world" is honestly something you need to examine. Why you harbour such hate and intolerance for these people, and learning to understand and deal with it, will truly show that you have the class you claim to have. You may have been raised with money, but having a large bankbook and the right address, doesn't make someone classy. Class comes from within. Consider this exercise of finding out where this anger and intolerance stems from, as a first step in becoming the type of person you already believe yourself to be. And no, I am not talking from a point of inexperience. I too come from a professional, educated family. My daughter has married someone who I imagine you would was raised in a manner similar to your husband: beer bottles on the table, plastic forks and paper plates for company, and have never experienced the theatre. But my family has gone out of their way to make both my son-in-law and his family as comfortable as possible. They are not below us; just different from us. They are as uncomfortable in my world as I would imagine I would be in their world. My son-in-law moved to the "big city" and is an executive here. He was terribly embarrassed to introduce us to his family who use four letter words around the dinner table. We have gone above and beyond to make them feel comfortable when they visit and they truly are wonderful people, yet raised in a small village. So we make sure when they visit that we go to a fun, comfortable restaurant rather than an elegant one because we know they wouldn't be comfortable. They like beer, so we order beer and forego the wine we usually enjoy with our dinner. And when the time comes and my daughter is blessed with a child, I think it will be wonderful for her to learn about life in a small village, learn to milk a cow, learn what is like to not worry about using the wrong fork and learn that everyone is different and to learn to love the differences and not fear them. Good luck and I hope you take what I have said to heart and not ignore it. You will be a better person for it.

    Last edited by hb2002; 12-05-2003 at 08:37 AM.

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 08:27 AM   #4
    HoosierBj
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    My in-laws are also totally different from my family. Loud, non-supportive, judgemental, clannish, different set of ethics, etc.
    The only thing that has saved my sanity these past 14 years is that I made a conscious decision to study them as if they were a foreign tribe. Figure out their family dynamics and why they act the way they do. I became a regular "Margaret Mead" and I kid you not - it really did work.
    I stopped being quite so judgemental of THEM & observing them helped me get through the long hours they spend together. It helped me to understand them better even and no, they aren't going to change.
    But my attitude towards THEM has changed and that has been a good thing for my marriage.

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 08:38 AM   #5
    Blastoff9600
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    Ok not to be witchy or anything but just because people come from small towns or hillbilly areas doesnt mean they dont have a decent education or such. The reason I say that is my Dh is from an extremely small town,I kid you not his senior class was less than 50 people. But he still had a great education from his high school. Matter of fact he can blow some people out of the water on his history knowledge and he hasnt even been to college. He even pointed out an error in my history college book one time. I looked it up and he was right.
    Also a person can come from a small town and be extremely well spoken. Most people when they talk to me have no clue where I am from and actually guess some pretty off the wall places. Where I grew up wasnt even a town it was a small community. So dont belittle people just because of where they come from. You never know one of the people you admire for their class,proper english,and polish may not be from where you think they are. I also know quite a few people who grew up with lash lifestyles and every chance at great educations...and those same people can be just as foul mouth and uneducated as the next redneck you see.

    Secondly have you considered you MIL maybe jealous and this is her way of showing it. Granted not the best way but it could very easily be that. Here is her only son moving even further away from her. Also your daugher is her only grandchild and that is hard to be away from those we love. I ought to know I am a military wife. Right now we am stuck(stationed) in Utah and my closest family is my grandparents in Texas. My brother is in Arkansas. Dh's family is in Ohio for the most part. Both are families are upset that we live so far away. I have seen my brother three times in the four years we have been here. I havent seen mostof Dh's family since before we moved here. They let us know on a weekly basis they wish we would find a base closer to them. My MIL swears it is my fault that dh wont get a base close to her. Tried numerous times to explain we cant really pick what base we will end up at. It doesnt work with her.
    Try sitting down and talking with your MIL. I know easier said than done,but if you try then at least you can say yout ried and leave it at that. That is the approach I finally took with my MIL and guess what it worked. She is nicer toward me and willing to accept me a bit more. I also figure I have given her the chance and I am fine with the fact that I can carry on with my life without worrying over her.
    I also have to second what Hb2002 said,but of course that is slightly obvious in what I typed in the first part of this reply.
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    Old 12-05-2003, 08:55 AM   #6
    hillarynotclinton
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    My hubbys family was downright mean to me and I didnt start really noticing or pay attention to the differences until they did that. I have friends from similar families as my husband,and their families are great! And not all small-town people are uneducated. But my husband's family is. Sometimes Ive gotten ticked and had the urge to throw around slurs too. But I know that doesnt help anything and makes me look ignorant as well. You ladies make a good point, and I especially like Hoosier's comments. It made me laugh. Its a positive approach to a potentially negative situation. Way to go!

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 09:22 AM   #7
    psabrina28
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    Thank you everyone for your replies! I do not look down on people because they have less than me...I have always been very down to earth. But don't you think that if a 3 year old keeps listening to these people talk she will do the same...fine, i don't mind if she says 'Warsh' instead of 'wash' but when it comes to them saying God [email protected]* (I believe in god and this one is said after almost every sentence-it makes my blood boil), F*** this and S.O.B that it bothers me! We were there for Thanksgiving and my mother in law started going off on how she has had enough from her mother (my husbands grandma recently had a bypass and now she needs it on her other leg). She was yelling at her mother and saying things like 'I am sick and tired of your S.O.B-ing health problems' and then she went to on say 'I have never seen such *****'. So what is that teaching my daughter? How can you have absolutely NO RESPECT for an elderly person? Whenever his grandma tries to say something his mother rolls her eyes and makes faces behind her back! I DO NOT want ANY of those qualities in my child...No, i have never EVER told my husband or his family that they are 'less' than me...I don't go to his town and act like i am better...in fact i try to be as 'low key' as possible. They really like me a lot and have no idea how i really feel. So this whole thing is not about me being better than them...it's a matter of respect and how you treat people...if they treat family like that I don't even want to think how they treat strangers. I just want her putting my family down when she knows she isn't perfect!
    One more thing, someone said that by moving closer to my family we will be farther away from my in laws. By moving closer to my parents we will be an hour closer to my in laws then we are now.

    Last edited by psabrina28; 12-05-2003 at 09:52 AM.

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 09:51 AM   #8
    hb2002
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    I agree with the swearing issue. I would suggest you let your husband explain to his mother that you and he have made a point not to swear in front of your daughter and that she must respect that decision since you two are the parents. Sometimes you can say things like "in granma's house they to (whatever it is) but in our house we don't like when you talk with your mouth full (or whatever). I think the swearing issue might be best addressed by your DH as I feel that his mother would only resent it coming from you.




    Quote:
    Originally Posted by psabrina28
    Thank you everyone for your replies! I do not look down on people because they have less than me...I have always been very down to earth. But don't you think that if a 3 year old keeps listening to these people talk she will do the same...fine, i don't mind if she says 'Warsh' instead of 'wash' but when it comes to them saying F*** this and S.O.B that it bothers me!
    We were there for Thanksgiving and my mother in law started going off on how she has had enough from her mother (my husbands grandma recently had a bypass and now she needs it on her other leg). She was yelling at her mother and saying things like 'I am sick and tired of your S.O.B-ing health problems' and then she went to on say 'I have never seen such *****'. So what is that teaching my daughter? How can you have absolutely NO RESPECT for an elderly person? Whenever his grandma tries to say something his mother rolls her eyes and makes faces behind her back! I DO NOT want ANY of those qualities in my child...No, i have never EVER told my husband or his family that they are 'less' than me...I don't go to his town and act like i am better...in fact i try to be as 'low key' as possible. They really like me a lot and have no idea how i really feel. So this whole thing is not about me being better than them...it's a matter of respect and how you treat people...if they treat family like that I don't even want to think how they treat strangers. I just want her putting my family down when she knows she isn't perfect!
    One more thing, someone said that by moving closer to my family we will be farther away from my in laws. By moving closer to my parents we will be an hour closer to my in laws then we are now.

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 10:04 AM   #9
    psabrina28
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    Oh, my husband has told her to not swear but I guess it's second nature to her so she really can't control it. It's funny because when I first met my husband about 4 years ago in college he said the F-word like nobody's business...it took me about 3 years to get him to stop saying it completely!

     
    Old 12-05-2003, 10:45 AM   #10
    Blastoff9600
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    Re: Mother In-Law!!!

    Being a military wife I am so use to swearing that I can hear anything and not bat an eye. Now I will admit I do curse myself,normally when driving. The way I was raised is swearing was ok as long as there was proper use of it and one was over a certain age(like 18). LOL I know sounds strange,I have also found that sometimes cussing can relieve stress especially when driving..lol But Dh and I both laid down the rules with our children. We have told them that there are mommy/daddy words that little kids shouldnt say. And you know what my kids dont say those words.
    Heck I say stuff like fixin to go to the store and other such things. I am from the south after all...and some words just stick no matter how hard one may try to get rid of them.
    Even at your daughter's age she can understand that some things arent meant to be said. Just like you can teach her to respect her elders even if she is exposed to those that dont. Some of my oldest son's friends have no respect for parents or other elders...they are 7 yr olds and mouthy little monsters. But my son still has his manners and would never mouth off to his elders. He has talked to me about what some of his friends sya and do and I just explain that their parents are raising them differently. So talk to your daughter and let her know that you dont agree with how they are over there but that is their choice to be that way.
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