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Why are some musicians so confusing!


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Old 12-06-2003, 11:26 AM   #1
susie258
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Why are some musicians so confusing!

Hey guysóIím new to the boards and need some advice to lift my spirits.
Oh yeah, sorry for the long post in advance- thanks for listening

Lets see hereÖwell I had been with my boyfriend for close to 3 years Ė senior year of high school and then 2 years of college but last night he ended it over reasons I just donít understand.

His family is very much into music so he has always been around and loved anything to do with it. He has this dream of moving to California to make it big. I have never said he couldnít do it, but I have said that he should have something to fall back on (a good degree) but usually this backfired and heíd take it as if I was saying he wasnít good enough to do it.

So anyways, the other night we were talking about all of this stuff, we are pretty open with each other and have no problem talking about the future, and he brought up his career. He knows that I think that family is very important and that at some point I would want to settle down and not be forced to move around and be separated all the time.

So with that in mind he starts to say how maybe it isnít going to work out between us and that things are different now. I know that right now he is under a lot of stress with finals, money issues, and dealing with this career goal. So we talked about this for a while and I was basically trying to get the point across that we should take this one step at a time and to cross the bridges when we came to them. He just acted like that wasnít possible (he tends to feel like he has to have things decided right thenÖso frustrating) and shot down all my ideas.

Then he goes on to tell me that he is just afraid that I will be the reason that he might not give 100% in pursuing his goal- like his could see himself being happy getting married after college and leading a basically normal life but he would always wonder if he could have made it big. He is just so determined that it seems like he is pushing away the people that heís closest to. It is like he has this message running through his head that he has always wanted this and he doesnít want anything to make him get off track.

Of course that isnít the end of it he has to throw in a twist. He tells me about this girl that he met at work. She likes that fact that he plays drums and she thinks that it's neat that he is trying to become a professional. This girl is a singer so she can relate better than I can to music and that she makes him want to play better because she can suggest things to improve how he is playing. So Iím sitting there broken hearted listening to how great this girl is and how she is starting to make him want to play drums more and to enhance this talent of his.

After some more of me saying that we just need to work on things he drops the bomb, he thinks he is falling for her! What do you say to that? How am I supposed to understand? Iím just so hurt right now. How could he just leave our strong relationship to go for a girl that ďunderstandsĒ music, he's only know her for 4 days! We had so much more that that. While Iím not a musician myself I do appreciate music and support him and doesnít love mean anything? He says that he just needs to figure things out for himself because we had never known anyone else like this and we were still young and what if we werenít perfect for each other. I donít want to mess things up at all and I havenít said anything negative about this girl. What should I do? I still love him very much and am totally confused. Please Help!

 
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Old 12-06-2003, 11:47 AM   #2
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

I am going to hate to say this to you but I actually have to respect how he handled this. Instead of cheating on you and putting you through torture he told you upfront how he feels.
I wish I could say something that was different but your description was pretty clear.
I am so sorry and I hope in time that you will understand and come to terms with all of this.
******{HUGS}}}}
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Old 12-06-2003, 02:35 PM   #3
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

I hope I can shed some light over his reasoning.

I've got a friend that has similar goals as this guy.. in fact, he's so into his music it that he quit college. He hasn't had a girlfriend for the longest time, always rambling about how they would impede on his success in the future. Over the time that I've known him, he broke it off with every girl he dated because they just didn't understand or respect how much time music demands from his life.

Although outsiders like us may think they are a bit too ambitious, to musicians, the last thing they want to hear is how they should look for alternatives to fall back on -- because falling back isn't an option for them (he still gets ****** at me when I ask him what his plans are if it doesn't work out, and we're best friends). Making it big is their dream, and it's they strive for. They have the audacity to stray from anything that might threaten them with hindrance.

It might be true that this new girl understands a little more about music than you, but like you said, it's only been four days. But the fact that she can relate to his music better is ALL she's got on you. This may very well just be a crush. He's got 2-3 years worth of material on you. It may take some time for him to realize what he's lost.

 
Old 12-07-2003, 02:42 AM   #4
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

You've got to understand that with any artist, it's not just a way to make money. It's a passion, it's a drive and a need. Like how some women will stop at nothing to have a child, fertility treatments, shots, artifitial fertilization, etc they just have to have a child or life isn't worth living. That's about the same way artists feel about making a profession at their craft, and it pretty much takes that much commitment to make it. It's an incredibly difficult, competitive field. Eddy Murphy said once that he never allowed himself to think about what to do to fall back on in case his comedy didn't work out, because once you think about falling back, you've already fallen and given less than 100% and you've already failed. And he was on SNL by 19, and the rest of his career is history. It is possible this girl is just a crush, she feeds his dream of being a musician while you are encouraging him to think of plan B and C when that's the last thing he wants to do right now. I'd say just give him some space. This might be a good time for you to do some soul searching, too. What if his dream comes true, and he gets in a band, and they spent the next 20 years recording and touring? Are you going to be happy being married to or attached to a man who's on the road half the year? It sounds like a part of you is hoping he does fail and he does end up going for a more conventional profession. How fair is that to him? How much of a future does the relationship really have if his dreams do come true? If you can't honestly say to him "I understand how much your music means to you and I'm prepared to stand by you and support you no matter what you want to do with your future." Being with a musician means being willing to take a back seat sometimes to rehearsals writing sessions, gigs, etc. and accepting that sometimes he will have to tour and you either go along when you can or be without him for a time. It's not easy. There are several other threads devoted to this very subject. But just let him know you still love him and give both of you some space to figure out what you really want. I know it's hard and it hurts like hell when a relationship ends, especially your first real serious one, but if it's right and you can work things out, you will and he'll come back. If not, it's best to move on.

Last edited by Ninispjc; 12-07-2003 at 02:55 AM.

 
Old 12-07-2003, 11:42 AM   #5
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

Thanks for all the advice- listening to this is really helping. You guys are the greatest!

I know he considers music a very important aspect of his life. He does think of it as a passion and need and that success means the world to him. Everything about that topic yall have said describes him perfectly. I guess hearing things from people that are not so closely involved with the situation kinda makes me have more clear thoughts. A lot of my friends say ďJust move on, heís not worth itĒ But they donít seem to understand. Like talking about Eddy Murphy and a woman trying to have a baby, to me just really brings things down to a level that is much easier to comprehend. I understand now that me hinting at some type of plan B -just in case- really wasnít what he needed to hear. I just donít want him to go into all of this with sugar coated ideas and then have a slap in the face if something doesnít work out exactly as he had envisioned. Please donít misunderstand me, Iím not being negative about it, itís just that I think part of it is being in the right place at the right time. You can be a wonderful musician and an extremely talented drummer, but this profession is very competitive and that making it big is a very demanding process. I mean you have to be able to accept rejection, but then be able to get right back up on your feet and look for another opportunity. I wasnít by any means trying to discourage him or say that I didnít have faith in him Ė I just wanted him to be able to dream, but also keep in the reality part of it.

Another thing that I forgot to mention in my previous post was that he had said we needed a break about three weeks ago so that he could sort out his mind; we ended up getting back together about 5 days later. That time it was just about the music, this time itís that plus this other girl. I miss him a lot and still care for him, but I donít want him to think that he can just break up with me anytime he assumes something better is coming along or when he gets stressed out. I canít keep going through these types of emotional roller coasters. So if things were to change and he realized that maybe he had made a mistake what would be the best way to handle it? This has nothing to do with pride, thatís a stupid reason not to see someone. I just donít want him to think that no matter what he does Iíll be here waiting.

 
Old 12-07-2003, 12:55 PM   #6
Paige29
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

Susie,
I admire you for handling this situation so maturely. It sound's from what you write that both of you are wonderful people. I also have to commend your boyfriend for being so honest..I think that was the right thing to do 100%! I can understand why you like this man so much. Understand that you are both young and it's normal to want to experience things..we learn and grow from different experiences. He is an artist and most artist's are very sensitive and tend not to "fit" in the "normal" lifestyle mold and I think that is part of what drives them and makes them so special.

It may be that this girl and what she represent's is just a case of the grass seeming greener on the otherside and when he realize's its not...he will be back. I think he is right though to persue his dreams. What would life be without goal's and dreams...they drive us, support us and make us better people. I am in my early 30's but when I was 21 I took a huge risk...similar to what your boyfriend want's to do. It paid off and I was able to persue my life's dreams with excellent results...not though without some sacrifices.

I know this has to be a sad and difficult time for you but it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and this will work it's self out. It might not seem like it now but I promise you it will. Now is a good time to do things for YOU and persue some of YOUR dreams! Take care! Paige

 
Old 12-07-2003, 04:06 PM   #7
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

I just donít want him to go into all of this with sugar coated ideas and then have a slap in the face if something doesnít work out exactly as he had envisioned. Please donít misunderstand me, Iím not being negative about it, itís just that I think part of it is being in the right place at the right time. You can be a wonderful musician and an extremely talented drummer, but this profession is very competitive and that making it big is a very demanding process. I mean you have to be able to accept rejection, but then be able to get right back up on your feet and look for another opportunity. I wasnít by any means trying to discourage him or say that I didnít have faith in him Ė I just wanted him to be able to dream, but also keep in the reality part of it.

I think he already knows that and by reinforcing it to him he considers it a "downer" from you. He wants someone who is going to be positive, like he is going to "make it". For example:
My husband is not a musician but he is in sales and you have to have a "musican attitude" in order to take the punches of the sales biz. He is in the corporate world and that world isn't any easier sometimes.
My husband doesn't want to hear the "down" beforehand, because they will think of that and it makes it harder to make the sale. (your friend has to "sell" himself + music) Instead they want to have you comfort them when things don't there way & encourage them that the next one will be better.

I hope that sheds some light on your situation.
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Old 12-08-2003, 09:17 AM   #8
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

Susie - it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I agree with you that if he's smart about it, he can reach for the stars, but he'll be wise not to overlook the jewels at his feet while he does. I think artists and musicians who are smart about it go for their dreams full boar, but also know when it's time to say "ok, I gave it my best shot, now it's time to get real and use my music more tangibly" and they become studio musicians, teachers, they can run their own music store, whatever. Hopefully your boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders, too and will go for his dreams but be smart enough not to sacrifice the important things in life, too. As for letting him break up, come back, break up, come back, etc. Believe me, I've been on that roller coaster and I know how it can mess with your mind. The only thing I can suggest is that if he has his little thing with this singer chippie, then comes back to you, if your heart is still in it, consider another try, but make it clear that he needs to take the relationship seriously and not ditch you whenever the going gets rough because you might not be there next time.

 
Old 12-08-2003, 02:30 PM   #9
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

Search under musician in this board and you will come across old archives very similar to what you are going through now. I fell in love with a musician and he wasn't as forward with his feelings about "why" he couldn't be with me, but it's interesting to hear how the musician's posted as well. That finally gave me some understanding and I am not trying to stereotype all musicians. It's just that young musicians that are serious about thier goals to make it big, tend to push things away that tie them down. Some don't feel they can balance the best of both worlds, I guess.

Hang in there. It's tough loving someone that loves music more than the idea of starting a family and having a loving relationship with a great person.

 
Old 12-08-2003, 03:01 PM   #10
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Re: Why are some musicians so confusing!

I have something to mention. I was married to a man who had wanted all of his life to make it as a musician or songwriter. I was his second wife. He had put his music on the back burner for the first wife, and always sort of regretted it. I supported his musical endeavors. He had a real job, too. But the reason I am mentioning this is to tell you that no matter how OK things could have been for us, he was ALWAYS unhappy because he hadn't made it in music. So...even if it does work out between the two of you and you totally support his music, if he doesn't make it, he may STILL be unsatisfied with life. Very few talented people actually make it big. It's a huge gamble, as you know, and he might lose. None of us need to spend our lives around a depressed person who sees himself as a failure.

I am now married to a wonderful man who sees music as a hobby. He's actually much more talented than the first husband, but he has no delusions of becoming "a star."

Good luck.

 
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