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Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

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Old 12-06-2003, 11:55 PM   #1
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Laurenmarie179 HB User
Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

I am having a huge dilema and dont know what to do...

I have been close friends with somebody for several yrs now. We are close like sisters. This person has been in a relationship with a guy now for about a year. I have become friends with this guy since theyve met, but its more on an aquantance level. I think he is a great man and the best boyfriend she has ever had. He loves her and wants to marry her. They have had their issues--he admitted to her he had kissed a woman while on a recent business trip after a phone message was heard with this woman on it. He did not admit to sleeping with the woman, but who knows. This was about 4 months ago. For a long time my friend has had trust issues with him from this incident and with the fact that he travels a lot. She also feels he lacks passion in his life and motivation (He has a great job but its not enough money for her is the reason). For these reasons she feels theyre no longer good together and wants to leave him, yet she hasnt. Instead, she has found a new fling who she is sleeping with behind her boyfriends back, he sleeps over at her place all the time, they go to college together and are basically acting like a couple. I see her boyfriend treat her so well and how he loves her, he is such a good guy and I feel so bad he is being screwed around on by her. she knows Im her friend, but I dont agree with what she is doing. Even if her boyfriend cheated on her prior, I dont think doing it back is the right or mature thing to do. She says she is just putting off breaking up with him cause she dreads it. The guy she is cheating with is also in a relationship, which he says he has no plans to leave soon.

Here's my question--I feel like her boyfriend deserves to know, even if i tell him without him knowing its me giving him the info (anonymously) yet this would completely break the trust with my friend that I care for so much, and I'd be going behind her back. I don't know what to do. In a way I feel its none of my business, but if my boyfriend were cheating, Id be grateful for somebody telling me. what should I do?

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Old 12-07-2003, 01:15 AM   #2
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Re: Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

Hey! I really feel for you, it is a really sticky situation! I agree with you, I would be very greatful if someone told me that I was being cheated on. Why don't you discuss with her again that what she is doing is very hurtful to her boyfriend, tell her that you care for his feelings as well. Maybe you could warn her that you could very easily tell him. Make sure you point out that you realize that she is a good friend that you value, but so is her boyfriend. Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel about the whole situation.
I do feel that it isn't any of your business, but if I was in the same situation as you, I would also feel that I had to do something. You can't just sit there and watch such hurtful acts. I really don't know though! All I would do is sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She is obviously not happy with her boyfriend, so support her in anyway to break up with him in the nicest, most respectable way possible. Well, I hope everything works out!

Old 12-07-2003, 02:12 AM   #3
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Re: Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

I can understand you wanting to not see this guy being played for a fool, but it really isn't your place to tell him. Your first allegience is to your friend, unless you're willing to end the friendship over this guy. Could it be that you'd like to have this guy for yourself? If that's the case, then you need to be honest with yourself regarding your motives. Then you can tell him, take him for yourself, and say goodbye to your friend. Otherwise, if want to keep your friendship with this girl, you can tell her how you feel about how she's treating this great guy and what she's doing is wrong, but in the end, it has to be her choice. Personally I feel it's pretty immature to cheat instead of ending it like you know you should, but you can't force her. In the end, if she's your friend, you'll accept and love her as your friend even though she's making this error in judgment, tell her how you feel, and allow her to find her own way through it, and be there for her if she needs you. That's what a friend does.

Old 12-07-2003, 02:20 AM   #4
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Re: Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

Thanks for the advice. Nooo, I'm not wanting herboyfriend for myself at all. There's no sexual attraction, he lives 8 hrs away, and I have more class than to do that--even if they did break up eventually. I think i realize now that I'd only jeapordize my friendship with her if i told him--I'm not good enough friends with him to be disloyal to my friendship with her. I also tend to think this relationship she has with her boyfriend is doommed, so if the breakuup is coming, what good does it do to tell him she cheated when it would onlly hurt him more. She is going to hear more about how disappointed I am in her though, she is living in some fairy tale with her fling and tells me all the "cute/sweet" things he does (hmm, did she forget he is cheating on his girlfriend too?).

Old 12-07-2003, 09:56 AM   #5
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Re: Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

Here is my rule of thumb...

If her bf comes to you and ASKS you if she is cheating then you can tell him.
Other than that, stay out of it. When people want to know they go searching when they are ready to face the facts.

I would also keep my BFs away from her just in case.
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Old 12-07-2003, 12:45 PM   #6
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Paige29 HB User
Re: Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

I would say not just no but no way to telling him. I gaurentee it will ruin your friendship with your "sister". I don't agree with the situation either but It is not your place at all to tell. It's bad enough that 3 people are already involved in this not to make it 4! We have all done thing's that we aren't proud of and have had to learn from them and find our way as a result.

This really is their business ..even if you do feel involved as a result of knowing about it. I would say this though. It sounds like it is a good time for a real heart to heart talk with your friend. Tell her how you feel about what she's doing and ask her not to tell you anymore about this or involve you in any way. Tell her that you do not approve and her talking about it to you is in a way seeking your approval for this.

As far as telling him without him knowing it's you...again no. I don't think that is right at all. If you were going to tell him (which I don't think you should) have the courage to tell him in person and take the consequences. This is a tough situation but when in doubt....I would take the stand of just minding your own affairs. Good luck.. Paige

Old 12-08-2003, 04:52 AM   #7
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MJK98 HB User
Re: Do I tell the boyfriend she is cheating??? help!

I think you need to talk to you friend about what she is doing but i wouldnt get anymore involved don't be the one your not going to get anything but stress from it all
i would stay out of it sometimes it backfires

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