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New guy. Not sure if he's interested


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Old 12-10-2003, 10:24 AM   #1
nelzun
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New guy. Not sure if he's interested

I'm dating one of my ex boyfriends and I'm not sure how interested he is in me. Last week he was into me, happy and he even made comments about how he'd like us to go further.

He has alot of stuff going on in his family life that he has on his mind. But I just feel like we are more buddies now. We both are sending mixed signals. Me because I am hurt sometimes by his lack of interest. Maybe it's just miscommunication, but I doubt it.

He's says that I am too good for him. Maybe that means too boring? His ex girlfriend that he was in love with was hyper and bi-polar so they fought alot and she did some things in the relationship that were a bit irratic. So maybe he just likes the wild life and I'm not wild enough for him.

It's funny but he's making me feel like I am not good enough. I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but I feel like I need to change, like lose 5 to ten pounds, wear more makeup and more revealing clothes. But I'm 26.

I'm losing my self confidance and I don't know why!!

 
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Old 12-10-2003, 11:17 AM   #2
Ninispjc
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Re: New guy. Not sure if he's interested

Can I ask why this guy is your ex, and why you two decided to give it another go? Did you sit down and talk about what would be different this time? You're using this relationship to decide whether or not you will feel good about yourself, and that's not a positive way to go through life. It seems like you're telling yourself "I won't feel good about myself unless and until he tells me I'm perfect and he loves me." Well, that might not ever happen, so what are you going to do, just never feel good about how you look or what you've achieved or anything because of him? It could be he just got back together with you because it was convenient, and that he's not really interested in love. But that's not really your fault. Can you be more specific about what you mean by "you feel like you're just buddies?" What exactly is he doing or not doing that is making you feel like he's not emotionally there with you? Is it different than it was before?

 
Old 12-10-2003, 11:57 AM   #3
nelzun
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Re: New guy. Not sure if he's interested

He is my ex because when we dated, he was seeing someone else. My best male friend knew but couldn't tell because he was a mutual friend so he just introduced me to someone better for me. I didn't know that this ex was seeing anyone, and I almost felt guilty for moving on so quickly without any kind of break up. We laugh about it now because neither of us stuck around and we've been acquaintances for the past two to three years.

There's always been flirtations between us when we see each other, but up until recently neither of us have been single at the same time. He's always thought highly of me, been respectful and such.

We didn't sit down and talk about what would be different because we didn't really plan on getting back together, it just happened. He was really into me meeting his mom and coming by for Thanksgiving. He told me that he could see a future with me. Like I am the type fo girl he would marry and have kids with. I could see his interest in his eyes. Now it just seems like he's bored with me.

I am friends with alot of guys and he's always been able to talk to me about old flames, females etc... Other guys have this openess with me as well. I don't know if he's telling me all his cheating stories because he wants to warn me off, or because he feels comfortable with me bringing up the past.

Plus, I think there may be a bit of misinterpeted jealousy with one of his friends. His friend and I are buddies and went on one date. Nothing happened and we both decided nothing would. So when I am with our mutual friends when my boyfriend is not around, me and this paticular friend always talk. I'm not sure if he's insecure about this or not.

It seems like you're telling yourself "I won't feel good about myself unless and until he tells me I'm perfect and he loves me." Well, that might not ever happen, so what are you going to do, just never feel good about how you look or what you've achieved or anything because of him?

I don't know why I feel this way as you described. I think I am suffering from some depression as well. I've always felt good about myself before. He's told me that he loves me and that I was too good for him. It's insincere, but if that's all I wanted to hear, I've already heard it. I think that maybe I feel bad because I know that he's a player and I lowered myself and went there anyway. He's making me feel like I have to compare myself to the other girls around. I guess I'm just afraid if I don't top them he'll wander.

Maybe it's my own insecurities, but I don't know why it only happens with this man and noone else that I've dated.

Thanks Ninispjc for trying to help me understand. I am so confused and I don't like this self doubt.

 
Old 12-11-2003, 05:57 PM   #4
Jennak
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Re: New guy. Not sure if he's interested

I would be careful. Like you, the last person I dated was seeing someone else at the same time. I did not know this for sure (he denied it) but I moved on, none the less. It was hard, because he gave me a lot of mixed signals and said encouraging things up until I left the job where we worked together.

You said that he "thinks highly of you" but seeing someone else at the same time that he was seeing you (if it was serious) is not thinking highly of a person.

Like you, I started feeling badly about myself. The girl whom he was seeing never really bothered me. I imagined them "together" and even that produced nothing. What I found personally offensive, was that he ALLOWED me to feel that I had done or said something to drive him off--when all along, he was messing with her. If he had just told me from the beginning that he saw us as a casual thing, that he was seeing numerous people--I could have kept it in perspective. That was not done.

Whatever you do, don't hinge your feelings about yourself on his behavior, and remember--people "say" a lot of things. 99.9% of the time, it is bull.

jenna

 
Old 12-12-2003, 08:23 AM   #5
nelzun
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Re: New guy. Not sure if he's interested

Thanks Jenna. The first time we dated we only lasted about 3 weeks, so it wasn't that serious at all. He and I are both the sought after in our group of people. The unattainable I guess you might say.

I do want to be in a relationship though. I guess I've always taken what was offered in the past. I was comfortable knowing the man's feelings upfront. I've never gone after someone I wanted that I wasn't sure wanted me back.

To use the term loosely we are both "players". Not because I cheat but because I find fault in most relationships and tend to break it off when I see danger ahead. Trust me I have had plenty of reason to leave and I treat anyone I am in a relationship with like gold. But most people only see me as unattainable, because I don't get too close.

I have many male friends and I feel more comfortable with handsome male friends, than boyfriends or lovers. I'm starting to think that maybe I am possibly giving the friend signal to my boyfriend. Because now I'm not even sure he still is my boyfriend.

I'm wondering if I should just ask him if we can go back to being just friends. We flirted alot more, laughed and it didn't seem so serious. Maybe I'm just scared that he doesn't like me like that.

I ususally don't put too much thought into my looks, but now I'm conscience of everything. I want to fix my outward appearance and that's nothing that I felt I needed to do before.

So I guess the question I should be asking is, should I just tell him that we are better off as friends?

 
Old 12-12-2003, 01:57 PM   #6
Jennak
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Re: New guy. Not sure if he's interested

Don't change your looks. When the person I mentioned earlier began to give me mixed signals, I had my hair highlighted, got really tan, lost 12 pounds, and had my bellybutton pierced. I'm sure this made no difference since he was most interested in me when my hair was dark, I was ten pounds overweight, and not exactly dressing up for work. The only thing it did was make me feel better about myself...I could look at myself in the mirror and say to myself--what a dummy! I'm HOT!!! Just be yourself and don't change a thing. You were sufficient for him initially, you should be sufficient now.

I told my ex that I wanted to be friends. I did that rather than ask him what his feelings for me were. I just assumed from his mixed messages and my suspicions, that they were not mutual, and I did it this way because I was afraid of hearing his rejection outright. In hindsight, I do wish that I'd asked him about his feelings. I made a lot of assumptions. To this day, I do not really know which were correct, or which incorrect.

I would communicate with him and ask him point blank what his feelings are. However, if he is one of those who is vague or will say encouraging things and not back them up, I would'nt bother. You will end up being strung along. I'm a firm believer in the guy courting the girl, not the other way around.

jenna

 
Old 12-12-2003, 02:23 PM   #7
nelzun
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Re: New guy. Not sure if he's interested

He's the vague type or the insincere type that always keeps you guessing. Yeah, I hear you on that one Jenna. I think that he should be courting me, I refuse to chase guys. It sucks.

The last guy I chased was the love of my life, although he didn't feel the same about me. lol He acted like everything was my fault because I assumed too much, but when I was there pouring my feelings out to him, he didn't so much as blink.

I really wouldn't want to get into a situation like that again. So maybe I will talk to my "boyfriend" today and we are close enough friends to where I think I can have a conversation about all this. I think I will just tell him that I've been feeling like he doesn't want to be in this anymore, and if not, I want him to be honest so we can go back to being friends. Is that too forward?

 
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