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    Old 12-12-2003, 03:27 PM   #1
    accu
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    How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    Alright guys, I really need to know...do guys really remain friends with their ex-girlfriends for friendship only???? And I don't mean, "I'll remain friends with her until she decides to get back with me." I mean, "I'll remain friends with her because I JUST want to be friends...and nothing more!!"

    I don't want to be a cynic or to trash you boys, but seriously! I feel like all the guys that consistently talk to me only because they like me. I can't really think of one guy that talks to me just because he wants to talk to me. Well, one, but he's different, he's a really, really old childhood friend of mine.

    Now, here's my issue, my ex still talks to me all the time. He still talks about spending time together. No, he doesn't say that we should go out on a date or whatever, but just to hang out. He would say things like, "I miss going to [insert place we went to] with you." It's NOT just these things, though. I don't want to get into a whole detailed story, but he just gives me this vibe like he still cares. Yet, I'm not sure...

    I brought this up to my only real guy friend once and he thinks my ex wants to get back with me. And then, once when a girl friend of mine asked me about him, I told her what happens and her guy friend, who was sitting with us, says that the guy wants to get back with me, too. Then, another guy who likes me, but somehow we got to talking about my ex thought that it's weird that he still talks to me, because according to him "guys don't want to stay friends." Even my brother said that he only talks to girls he's interested in. (When I say talk, I don't mean the occasionally chatter with a girl. I mean: consistently looking for her and always trying to start a conversation with her. I know that guys talk to girls they don't like, because they have to in life, but they don't consistently seek out a girl to just talk, right?)

    My really big question is: Do guys really just want to be friends after a relationship?? And how do you know whether your ex-boyfriend just want to be friends or want to get back together?

    I just want to get that answered and I think I'll know what to do about him.

    Last edited by accu; 12-12-2003 at 03:28 PM.

     
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    Old 12-12-2003, 06:16 PM   #2
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    It'll take awhile for him to get over you that's all I'm saying, might be a good idea to hang out with him though, flirt free and don't give any signals or anything whether you mean to or not and don't allow him to either. Doing this will make him realise that it REALLY IS over.

    just my advice
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    Old 12-13-2003, 10:09 PM   #3
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    I am friends with an ex-girlfriend and it's nothing more. We lived together for a year and we both found that we are incompatible in a lot of ways, to the extent that (I at least) once listened to the song "She's a Brick and I'm Drowning Slowly" with tears in my eyes because it spoke to me.

    Anyway, we broke up five years ago, live on opposite coasts and still talk 2-3 times a month. If she had any illusions that I want to get back together with her (and I don't think she does, she has a pretty active dating life), they have been put to rest by the fact that I have rejected numerous offers to visit her out there over the years. I think you can really enjoy a person of the opposite sex, love them, laugh with them, connect with them, and still know they're wrong for you because a relationship requires spending a lot of time together. She and I work best in smaller doses.

    So, maybe your ex feels the same way. And if he doesn't now, he might some day. I think after my ex and I first broke up, I wanted her back, mostly because I was afraid of being alone. But after a year or two, I got used to being on my own again and I could appreciate her good points and wince when she did the things that used to bother me, now happy and relieved that I wouldn't have to put up with them for a lifetime.

    Last edited by stolie; 12-13-2003 at 10:12 PM.

     
    Old 12-13-2003, 10:54 PM   #4
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    Thanks for your reply.

    This relationship thing is so confusing and it doesn't help that I don't have much experience. I'm 21, but have only have a few short relationships.

    Anyway, sometimes I really think that my ex still likes me and there a times when I just think that he's being nice and just want to be friends. I don't know. I'm just really confused. I still kind of miss him, too, and I don't think I'm ready to let go either. I know what some of you will say because I've said it all to myself. "It's over, so forget about it." "There's a reason why you two broke up." But it's hard to let go of the attachment.

    And then, there is the question of whether he feels the same way as I do. He offers to do favors for me and he just acts like he cares still. When I get mad about something he did, he seems so worried that I would be mad at him forever. He would just keep apologizing until I forgive him. I know friends do that, too, but I just don't know...just seems like he still cares. He also says things like "I'm so happy that you'll still in my life" and "you're very special to me." When we first broke up, I avoided him like the plague in order to shorten the healing phase. But he always find some way to get back into my life. And he never gave up looking for me even when I try to avoid him. It's NOT like he's stalking me or anything like that, but he does seem to stay in my life longer than I expected. I really tried, I tried so hard to distance us, but every time he gets a chance to talk to me, he'd do it, and then all the feelings would come back again. Honestly, if he never looks for me again, it'd be over. He'd be out of my life, because I wouldn't look for him. Yet, he looks for me and I'm beginning to want to look for him, too.

    I really want to take a risk and see if maybe we can start over again.

     
    Old 12-14-2003, 03:49 PM   #5
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    I really miss seeing my ex not just because she was my lover but because she was my best friend. I used to want her back so badly as my girlfriend but I've grown to just want to be her friend again (best friend is unlikely). I think it's too late for me to convince her that that's the case, though, since I spent too much time telling her how much I wanted her back as my girlfriend. She did recently call me up and say I was her best friend still and it made me incredibly happy but she was drunk so I shouldn't even bother remembering it

    I think there's probably a point when most exes of the dumped side lose the notion of getting back with their ex and just want to be friends. It just takes time. And I guess there's no hard and fast rules for working out when someone wants to be friends and when someone wants more. Furthermore, I know that when I next see my ex (first time in 3 months sometime next week) I will play it cool and try to be natural, but something will click and I'll probably end up wanting more again. But we were very close as boyfriend/girlfriend and were together for almost 3 years.

    People tell me we will never be able to be friends and I just want to tape their lips together to shut them up. But I suppose my ex and I will never have the kind of friendship that I can have with other girls in my life. For example, when we last saw one another she had a go at me for the clothes I was wearing and when we chat on the phone she randomly says things like she still fancies me (not just when she's drunk ) and misses me so much sometimes, and I guess that's not a conventional relationship.

    Last edited by jhart999; 12-14-2003 at 03:51 PM.

     
    Old 12-14-2003, 04:10 PM   #6
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    accu, you kind of sound like I'd imagine my ex girlfriend to sound. As I said, she split with me and it nearly killed me. It still hurts like hell sometimes. She tried her best to cut me out of her life and I guess she figured it was best for both of us. And although I tried hard to leave her alone it was always me who'd crack and phone her. But that was pointless 'cos I was the last person she'd want to speak to (I'll never know why, though - she just said she "fell out of love" with me - is that anything like why you split with your boyfriend?).

    But if I left her alone for long enough (weeks) then eventually I would see her name flash up on my phone (no longer the pet name I had for her, but her name nonetheless ) and we'd chat for hours about anything and everything as if we were still together and she'd bring up memories from our relationship and say she wished things had always stayed good between us. But I always got the feeling that she felt like she was being bad by doing this. She'd always end with "I don't think we should talk again", even though she'd phoned me

    And if I ever made the mistake of phoning her later then she'd be cold again and a renewed feeling of hope for our relationship would die instantly and I would be back to crying and walking around like a zombie. Nowadays I don't do it to myself. I know that she'll phone me at least once a month, drunk or otherwise, and tell me about her life and talk about the past with me and even discuss the technical possibilities of us having a relationship in the future (which normally revolves around the concept that we'd argue too much). And I go to sleep that night with tears of immense joy (yes, I am a sensitive bloke although I am also a rock solid running machine so don't think I'm totally pathetic, please ) and feel good for days afterwards.

    Sure, I realise that she was just having a "moment" and felt like phoning good old John for a nice chat about the good old days, but at least I've got that. At least if we end the conversation with a pleasant good night (she sometimes calls me "sweetheart" but I never use terms of affection for her anymore 'cos it literally hurts me to do so) then I know she won't be sticking pins into my voodoo doll all week and might even spare me a thought in the day. And I loved her so much that this kind of "relationship" means more to me than anything with a new girl ever could.

    I think I just admitted that I still want my ex back as my girlfriend or at least my best friend. So, accu, ignore my earlier posts, but please - tell me why you broke up with your boyfriend and how you feel about him still caring for you and your thoughts of getting back with him. I really need advice in this period of my life because it's shaping everything else. For example, when she broke up with me I had exams about two days later and just sat there trying not to cry, wearing the hat she'd given me for Christmas just a few weeks before and wondering what it was I'd done to lose her. I'm crying now so I'm gonna go but please reply.

     
    Old 12-14-2003, 05:16 PM   #7
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    hey jhart,

    I first broke up with my boyfriend because there were complications outside of our relationship. I don't want to go too detailed into it, but basically, it's serious stuff that we can't control. He told me that he still wanted to be with me but he also had to deal with the other issue in his life. It's not that there's another girl or anything, but it's serious enough for me to want to break up with him because I don't see how we can be together if he is going through some sort of crisis outside of our relationship.

    Then, I realized that I was being an unsupportive girlfriend and even kind of cold-hearted, so I decided to get back together with him. Then, his crisis became an obstacle in our relationship again. I became all insecure that things just won't work out, so I thought about ending things again. I guess he realized that things won't work out between us, too, so he ended the relationship this time. So, technically, he dumped me. He told me to give him time, but I didn't want to wait, because why should I? No smart girl would wait, right?? To him, it was probably a break. A break in the relationship until things clear up. To me, it was a break up. I'm NOT going to wait!

    So, I tried my best to distance myself. As soon as he ended our relationship, I thought I'd never speak to him again. Wrong!!! He called me two days later to just talk. Then, he called me again a week later. Then, everything just started all over again! I tried so hard to distance us, but he somehow always find some way to get back into my life.

    There are times when I go without speaking to him for months! but as soon as he gets a chance again, he'd come right back in.

    I just don't know what to think anymore. Things are so complicated.

    We act like friends now, but I still care about him. And I think he still cares about me, too.

    The funny thing is that technically, he ended the relationship, but it almost seems like I dumped him, because he seems to want us to be part of each other's lives still, while I don't. Does this make any sense at all?

     
    Old 12-15-2003, 06:31 AM   #8
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    My ex boyfriend and I have been strictly friends for the past 7 years. In fact, he is my best friend and I am friends with his live-in girlfriend. So it is possible to be just freinds. Of course you always know that the two of you were attracted to each other, so there are rules you must follow and remember to always respect the friendship and other relationships first, but it can work despite the odds. However, both people have to be over the hurt of breaking up and not willing to commit to each other again. Also, we both can see each other maintain a healthy relationship with other girls/guys and not get jealous or have complex feelings.

     
    Old 12-15-2003, 04:46 PM   #9
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    accu, what you're saying does make sense. Althougth I was dumped by my ex-girlfriend it was me who actually said we can no longer be a couple. But that was because I saw that she basically seemed to be ignoring me and didn't want me anymore. It was a horrible feeling - I knew there was nothing to cling on to all of a sudden. If it seems like you ended things then he probably sees it like that just as I did in my relationship. And like me, he probably doesn't want to see you leave his life entirely 'cos that will ruin any chance of reconcilliation. And if you two were in love then I guess he must crave that. But if you don't want to be in his life anymore you've probably got to tell him. I know it would finish me off if my ex said that to me but I would do it for her because I will always respect what she wants. Having said that, I'd probably end up manufacturing a way back into her life. I think I'll always be the abnormal guy that she regrets ever meeting (on the French trip in Year 8 when I fancied her best friend )

    I just feel abnormal that I'm still in so much pain over her even though it's been nearly 11 months It doesn't help that she always gives me small glimmers of hope that she still likes me a lot (like saying I'm still her best friend and that she still can't imagine not marrying me and that she could never go to Pizza Hut with another guy - that was our favourite place to go together ). And it certainly doesn't help that we live across the road from each other when we're not at uni. Hell, it doesn't even help that I go to uni in Cardiff and she's only at Bristol. I drove past her place when some mates and I went shopping there. I told her this (not specially - she'd phoned me) and she said she found it strange that I didn't drop in. But I can't do it. When we last went out together (as friends) we saw American Pie The Wedding and I was just sitting there ignoring the movie and gawping at her. I love watching her laugh and I love her hair and it cuts me up that she doesn't lean on my in the cinema like she used to.

    She tells me that I should be over her now as if she understands it all. But that's not right - she was the one who always got paranoid that I would go off her one day and then she did it to me at the point when I realised that there was no way I could be without her. I honestly wouldn't have survived this year if it weren't for the odd phone call from her. Right now I miss her so much and I'm so worried that she's coming home next week. Over the phone she's been saying I should come round and see her family's new home cinema (we like films) and how cool it'll be to hang out. But I know that either she'll change her mind or I'll just end up sobbing my heart out.

    I got a car at the end of the summer and she saw me drive into the close and shouted out of her window to ask if I would take her for a drive. I just ran inside 'cos I knew I couldn't deal with it. The cinema thing had been just a couple of days before and I knew I couldn't handle just being friends - not when I wasn't her best friend who she shared everything with. That's the worst part - not knowing what's she's up to anymore. I loved talking to her on the phone. Even though we were only 12 metres apart in our beds we'd always chat for hours on the phone when we were first going out.

    Now my life just feels empty and my heart always seems to hurt. Literally. It's always heavy and I can't get her out of my mind. If I'm asleep it's even worse 'cos I wake up having dreamt about her and I remember the dream all day. And I always dream that she comes back to me. I've tried to forget the way she looks (I thought it would help) but I never will and when I close my eyes she's there. I must sound like a nutter. I don't stalk her or anything; I don't even phone her anymore. I just can't move on.

    When we first got to know each other I always told her that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone unless I knew they were the one. It took us six months before we did anything seriously sexual and I was so glad that we waited 'cos I knew we were properly in love. And we were; she doesn't deny that she loved me. But I can't understand what I did for her to stop loving me. And a part of me will never forgive her for making me feel so used before we split up. She talks flippantly about sex now and it hurts me 'cos I thought she understood how I felt about it.

    I don't ever want to even hold another girl's hand now because she was the one and I never want to lose the memory of loving her. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying or do I sound mad and obsessive? I've seriously considered having some form of counselling. There have been times when I've just cried myself to sleep. And sometimes I have to punch myself (literally) to stop from crying. That kind of worked because I gave myself internal bleeding and she found out and was worried and talked to me a lot around that time. Until now nobody knows the bleeding was caused by me laying into myself. I really must sound like a crazy man now.

    The thing is, I'm only 20, and there's all this pressure for me to be like a "typical bloke" and just think of this as an opportunity to go and get another notch on my bedpost. But I don't want that. All I ever wanted was a fairytale romance; to totally adore someone and to be totally adored by them. I had it for 2 and a half years and now life feels pointless without love in it. I just feel like I'm existing, not living. And my ex is the only person who can breathe life back into me. She does it when she phones me and that is enough for now, but I can't live my life waiting for her to ring me.

    I'm sorry, I appear to have written an essay on my life.

     
    Old 12-15-2003, 05:20 PM   #10
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    hey jhart,

    It's perfectly alright to be hung up on her. People think that there's some sort of time limit to the healing phase. There isn't. It can take days or years. Don't beat yourself up thinking there's something wrong with you, because you're still hung up on her. It's ok. She was a big part of your life. You've formed an attachment to her and now, she decides to up and leave. Of course, you're going to be devastated! However, one thing for sure: it'll get easier and easier. I remember when my breakup just happened: for the first two weeks, I was so lost and I was basically a mess. Now, a couple of months later, I can go on with my life and honestly, I can say that I can live without my boyfriend and will probably love another guy one day.

    And I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but you should go out and meet some girls. Just to see that there are other girls out there for you. Two months after the breakup, I went out with so many guys. I had a date every weekend and I had my phone ringing off the hook. I don't really do anything sexual with these boys, because I don't like them enough, but I do go out on dates with them, because it makes me happier and keeps my mind off things and soon, I was able to see that there are other boys out there for me.

    In the same way, you should go out and meet some new girls, too. Don't use them or play them, you know what I mean, but it's ok to go out on a date or something. See a movie or go to the park. Just to show yourself that your ex isn't the only girl out there for you. Plus, right now, you're still hung up on the memory of the old relationship. These new dates will create new memories to cover up some of the old memories.

    I know this is not something that you want to hear now, but I think it's something that you should do for yourself since you already know that your ex doesn't want to get back together. She's moving on, so you should, too.

     
    Old 12-16-2003, 05:00 PM   #11
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    Thanks for the advice. It's advice that I've had many girls offer me, including my ex (it doesn't help that she puts it like "I don't like the thought of you seeing other girls, but you've got to get over me somehow" 'cos that makes me feel bad about approaching other girls and makes me think she's still interested). That's not to say it's pointless advice, though. It's nice for someone to listen to me 'cos I can't talk to people at work about it again. I went back for Christmas yesterday and this morning a female colleague asked me how I was feeling about my ex now and it hit me that my colleagues must have got so bored of listening to my problems and only see that aspect of me. I've got a lot more to offer than a mopy personality. I just wish I had a chance to exhibit that to people. It's so hard, though, living in the memory of my ex all the time. This morning I was going well and then I came downstairs and saw her bedroom window and thought about her. And like I said, she'll be back home in a few days to haunt me for real. Never go out with someone over the road

    Anyway, I made a promise to myself this term at uni that I would at least try to go out with someone new. And there is a girl on my course. I reckon she's been interested in me since we first saw one another at the start of our course. But I wasn't interested of course 'cos I was already in a great relationship. But I noticed this term that she still checks me out and doesn't seem to hide it so I was really building up to asking her out. But I'm useless at that stuff. I had a basic plan of walking up to her and saying "Hi, we've never spoken ['cos we haven't] but I was wondering if you want to go out sometime?". My male friends think this approach is Ok. But the girls think I would come across as a cocky and arrogant like that and that I should somehow get to know her as a friend first. But I don't know how to approach her. And the other thing is, although she's good looking, she never smiles. My ex's smile sent shivers down my spine. I want someone to look into my eyes and beam back at me. This girl just has one expression - "The Letterbox" I'm not in the slightest bit afraid of her rejecting me. In fact, it would be marvellous since I might actually be hung up about that instead of my ex.

    So if not her then who? Well, I'm not a big drinker. But I do like clubbing. I've got the confidence to dance with girls and I quite often get my bum pinched. But that kind of encounter doesn't interest me at all. I associate it too much with one night stands and the concept makes me sick. Like I said, I'm not just interested in sex. I know that there's so much to be had from starting a meaningful relationship. I guess, though, that it can happen on the dance floor of some seedy club. But I find it unlikely. I go to the gym regularly and I guess there are girls who I find attractive there but people rarely engage in conversation at the gym.

    And girls don't ever seem to use the pool and jacuzzi (they're missing out ). The girl at the reception seems to give me the eye but how can you ever tell and how do you develop something like that? Just like today at work there was a nice looking girl who I served. She probably thought I was coming onto her 'cos I was really helpful and she seemed to appreciate that and smiled nicely and was looking over at me later on. [I must sound really full of myself ]. Why can't I meet these girls in situations where I can get to know them like I got to know my ex? If anyone's got any tips on how to meet people then tell me 'cos I'm useless at this.

    I do understand that if I went out with someone else then the pain (including the actual pain I described) will start to go away really quickly. All I need is someone to care for, someone to spoil, someone to talk to and be silly around - just someone to be with. What is this life without a soulmate? There are times when I'm so happy about something, so amused by something funny, so emotional charged about thoughts of the future, that I actually need someone to share those things with. I kept them all bottled up for ages after breaking up with my ex and it was impossible. Now I've learnt to appreciate my family more as my friends, but I think it is definitely time to find a new best friend. I will do it, I know.

     
    Old 12-16-2003, 08:36 PM   #12
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jhart999
    I had a basic plan of walking up to her and saying "Hi, we've never spoken ['cos we haven't] but I was wondering if you want to go out sometime?". My male friends think this approach is Ok. But the girls think I would come across as a cocky and arrogant like that and that I should somehow get to know her as a friend first.

    I go to the gym regularly and I guess there are girls who I find attractive there but people rarely engage in conversation at the gym.

    I think it is definitely time to find a new best friend. I will do it, I know.

    Hey,

    Love your last post.

    And about your opening line with the girl in your class....NOT recommended. Your girl friends are right. It's cocky and arrogant. It sounds good and smooth in the mind, but it's horrible to actually do it. Even if I'm totally interested in a boy and he comes up to me like that, I'd be totally turned off. As if he already expects me to say yes to his offer. I'd reject him just for spite! Your girl friends are right....just go up to her and say hi and maybe ask her whether she got the last lecture's notes. Sit next to her and pretend that you didn't catch what the professor said last or make fun of the professor. Kids always bond with professor jokes. haahaa. Easier said than done. I am useless when it comes to approaching guys, too. For that, I'm glad I'm a girl, because I'd never get the courage to ask girls out if I were a guy.

    And yes, whoever said the gym is a great place to meet people??? All I do when I go to the gym is workout! And I only talk to my friends when I'm there. But the gym is always listed as a place to meet people. Not true for me so far. Maybe I'm hideous when I'm working out. haha. I doubt it, though. At least I hope not.

    And I know you will find a new best friend, too. You will if you let yourself. If you really really try, you will get over your ex and find a new best friend and girlfriend. It's true that going out with other people helps tremendously!! It really accelerates the healing stage.

    I am not seeing anyone now and I'm beginning to feel lonely again. I would really like to meet a guy, too. I hate it when this happens. I don't even have a crush! I don't have anyone to work on, so I'm left with my ex. Doesn't this suck?

     
    Old 12-17-2003, 04:45 AM   #13
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    Yeah, it sucks big time. But at the same time it's not all that bad. It sounded feeble when my ex said I'd have more time for my brother when she was trying to make me feel better after splitting up (you can't hug your brother ), but it's true. I do have more time for him and my mates and that's cool. But at the sime time I still seem to spend more time alone, fretting about silly things. The immense feeling of rejection coupled with no substantial explanation of why I was rejected has left my self-belief in tatters. I can stand up for myself, project myself and get on with day-to-day life but leave me alone for more than five minutes and I feel like a failure and I feel so lonely.

    And those emotions lurk in the back of my mind all the time. So the idea of breaking the ice with someone by chipping in with a lecturer joke (yes, you're right - they are universal and I can be pretty scathing about lecturers ) frightens me to death. Having said that, at work I'm totally different. There are all new people (mostly girls and women) and I'm always the one introducing myself. I love it - I could talk to hours with these people. They probably don't want to know but it's really good for my confidence and makes me realise that there are decent girls out there just waiting for a nice guy to show an interest. I will work on being just as confident (and not arrogant ) at uni next term.

    I am the master of plans so I will come up with a full-proof plan of introducing myself to that girl (if she ever smiles) and then it'll just end up being spontaneous, which is always best. You need to find a new guy to get a crush on. I'm sure there must be somone you find attractive in your life. Turn your attention to him and slowly you won't think about your ex as much. Anyways, I've got to roll - work beckons. It really blows that I have to work 14.00 - 21.00. My car is always frozen when I'm finished. I bet it won't start one time.

     
    Old 12-17-2003, 04:51 AM   #14
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: How do you know whether your ex still likes you as a girlfriend or just a friend?

    Actually, before I go. I do have something positive to say. Yesterday at work an old colleague popped in to hand in her letter of resignation and I heard her voice out back. I came out to greet her and her eyes lit up when she saw me. We always had a laugh together at work and I like seeing her. She chatted to me for a while and seemed to remember everything about me like what course I'm doing at uni (it's rare for people to care, let alone remember). It was cool. Especially since when she saw me she stopped talking to the others and just spoke to me. It was really good for me to feel appreciated. It's times like that when I realise that there's so much more in store than just feeling sad. I just thought I'd share that - relationships don't have to be intimate to make you feel alive and looked after.

     
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