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A friend... yet more

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Old 12-15-2003, 07:05 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Georgia
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Siv HB User
A friend... yet more

I have a friend. Yes I do consider him a very good friend. Close friend. Someone I love deeply and care for more then words can say, and someone I'd give the shirt off my back if he needed it. Yet that friend is married. We both feel the same toward one another, and we both know that he'll never leave his family. (That is.. if his wife found out of our closeness, she'd leave him) but we both can't seem to stop being near each other, hanging out together, laughing and talking and sharing much like a husband and a wife would do. I spend all my free time with him, and he does the same with me. We've not slept together, but we've done everything but, though I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it will come to that, very soon. I both want it, and I don't want it. So far, it can conceivably be written off as 'just' friends, if you didn't include to touching and kissing. (Gosh, that sounds just so wrong to say it...) but to sleep with him, means I'm giving myself totally over to him, and he in return, and it's not my right, nor his, because of the marriage vows he took. Yet, again, we both can't seem to stop it. We've talked about what is happening, how we both feel, how we both know we can't go on like this, .. yet it continues. I can't go on like this, knowing that the ultimate end result will be me being without him, but I also can't seem to make myself stop it. He tells me the same thing, nearly. He wants it to stop, it's not fair to his wife, to his children, but he loves me.. Help...?

- Siv

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Old 12-15-2003, 07:42 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,175
Magnetic HB UserMagnetic HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

You say you love him deeply.

Do you love him enough to leave him? A lot of pain is the cards. There is no good or easy way out of this.

Old 12-15-2003, 07:42 PM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 184
JessieD HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

As Sarah McGlaghlan (<-sp?) sang,

"Hold on, hold onto yourself, 'cause this is gonna hurt like h*ll."

Good luck.

Old 12-16-2003, 07:29 AM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

You don't mention if you are single or married...
And it sounds to me like you already know what the Right thing to do is.

If you step over the line more than you already have, you will be standing in some pretty lonely shoes.
Holidays? He'll be with his family
Weekends? More and more family events as kids get older
Want to talk to him? He's with his family
Hope of a life with him? He won't leave his family

Emotionally you'll be his. No other life, just waiting for him to slip free for some stolen moments.
Want to really feel bad? Be the reason for a family splitting up. For kids growing up with their Dad not in the house.

He'll have a wife, the house, the kids, and sex on the side with you. It will have to be YOU who steps back from the line...

Gather up your strength & pride & good judgement and WALK AWAY.
You'll end up down the road with a man you love who is ALL yours....

Old 12-16-2003, 09:50 AM   #5
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Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
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bluesnowflake HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

I do not believe everyone has one soul mate. I do believe people can have many soul mate friends. For your own sake and sanity, make this one under friends. Spend time with his family instead of just him, don't put yourselves in a situation where you would be alone. How much free time does this man have if he spends it all with you? I think he should be spending it with his family instead. By the sounds of it, you have talked about it all with him before. You must now mutually end the frolicking. I think if you get along with a person beautifully, you don't have to cut the ties completly off. But you DO have to keep EVERY romantic word, thought and feeling away...don't spend as much time with him as you have been, and when you do, make it shopping or lunch, never private and try to include his wife. Do you like his wife? Obviously he does. Respect that and keep your hands off.
If you love him like you say you do, you have to learn how not to. It's going to take a long time, finding other people to spend time with will help tremendously. I wish you all the luck, and although it seems impossible to stop thinking of him like you do now, you WILL be able to. You HAVE to.

Old 12-16-2003, 09:55 AM   #6
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 24
Siv HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

Thank you all so much for your suggestions and help.

I've done a lot of soul searching over this one, and you are indeed correct. I *will* step back, whether he wants me to or not. Not so much for me, or for him, but his wife and children. I also believe that he and I are good enough friends that I won't lose him completely, nor he I, when I do this. I just have to
stick to my guns and not 'go there' with him any longer. I can't possibly imagine living a life where I'm the 'other woman', or worse... being a homewrecker. Gaaaaah.

Thank you again. I suppose I just needed someone else to guide me along into doing what's right. I needed support in this. Continued support is greatly appreciated.

With love,

- Siv

Old 12-16-2003, 10:14 AM   #7
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Posts: 548
bluesnowflake HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

Good for you! When you need a hand to pull you away, you come right back here and we will all help, encouage and guide you. What am I talking about...more like furiously type with lots of !! and *&#^* and we may bad mouth the guy if need be.

Old 12-16-2003, 10:56 AM   #8
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Elizabethtown, KY
Posts: 145
hillarynotclinton HB User
Re: A friend... yet more

Im so glad you intend to step back. But if I were you id get all the way out of this one. This man is doing his family a huge disservice, and is being extremely deceitful to his wife. Put yourself in her shoes: if I were her I would be furious at the both of you for ripping her family and her life apart, and making her feel stupid in the process. Of course IM married with kids, so I can vividly imagine the pain and fury I would experience if I was in her shoes. Even if he eventually left her and ended up with you, could you trust him?? The grass is always greener on the other side with some people. Of course, one could also call it karma...what you do can come back to you, big time!! RUN RUN RUN!!!

Old 12-16-2003, 04:09 PM   #9
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 53
CeeJay1 HB User
Cool Re: A friend... yet more


You say that you *love* this man. He seems to have made it clear that he doesnt want to leave his wife and family.

While I admire you for saying you are willing to take a step back - I dont think that is sufficient.

IF you truly love this guy - you will leave him alone completely - have nothing more to do with him, and let him live his life with his wife and family - without having the temptation of knowing that you are just in the background.

You CANNOT possibly be just friends considering what has gone on between the both of you.

There will always be that tension and temptation between both of you

SOoooooo for your sake and his and his family's sake - PLEASE - cut ALL Ties and cut them NOW

Dont look back

I wish you all the best


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