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    Old 12-16-2003, 07:30 PM   #1
    justdoit44
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    does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    Would it really help to resolve this or is this just a temporary need of mine that would just be a short-term band-aid?

    She broke up with me out of the blue on the phone a year ago (Jan) after dating off/on for 7 years. We were saving for a wedding, I thought. Looking back, I missed some obvious signs she was no longer doing that. I contacted her a total of about 10 times over the 1st 4 months, a few times to try and save it, then a few times trying to have a mutual goodbye, preferably in person. She replied a couple of times initially, but a face to face meeting nor a goodbye ever happened. After the 8th time, she e-mailed and said no more e-mails nor calls. So I stupidly wrote a letter twice instead. It ended with her asking a friend if she should get a restraining order (May). It was the last thing I heard her say about our relationship. That stopped me contacting her except I sent a short and simple non-romantic B-day card in Sept stating I was not trying to get back but just wanted to apologize.

    Some books I have read suggest neither of us will be fully healed and able to be fully successful in future relationships until we can look back with the least amount of anger, resentment, sorrow, etc. Supposedly, we will increase our future success with others if we can look back with as many positive emotions as possible.

    I greatly feel the need to have a last communication that is positive, to apologize, to get questions answered, and to talk about things that upset both of us--not to get back together but to enable us to be as emotionally healthy as possible. I feel like I am stuck in fully getting over this and it is significantly affecting me in a lot of ways, including my happiness with dating and life in general. She is seeing someone else and is apparently happy, which is great. Pre-breakup, she was definitely the sweetest girl on earth. Perhaps during and post breakup she was appropriate in a lot of ways, but I don't have the answers to all the why's to say. Would it really help to resolve this or at least speed up the process or is this just a temporary need of mine that would just be a short-term band-aid?

    Thanks for any thoughts, I really need help in getting over her and especially the way the breakup occurred. We were both each other's first love.

     
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    Old 12-16-2003, 08:15 PM   #2
    Rockieb01
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by justdoit44
    Would it really help to resolve this or is this just a temporary need of mine that would just be a short-term band-aid?

    She broke up with me out of the blue on the phone a year ago (Jan) after dating off/on for 7 years. We were saving for a wedding, I thought. Looking back, I missed some obvious signs she was no longer doing that. I contacted her a total of about 10 times over the 1st 4 months, a few times to try and save it, then a few times trying to have a mutual goodbye, preferably in person. She replied a couple of times initially, but a face to face meeting nor a goodbye ever happened. After the 8th time, she e-mailed and said no more e-mails nor calls. So I stupidly wrote a letter twice instead. It ended with her asking a friend if she should get a restraining order (May). It was the last thing I heard her say about our relationship. That stopped me contacting her except I sent a short and simple non-romantic B-day card in Sept stating I was not trying to get back but just wanted to apologize.

    Some books I have read suggest neither of us will be fully healed and able to be fully successful in future relationships until we can look back with the least amount of anger, resentment, sorrow, etc. Supposedly, we will increase our future success with others if we can look back with as many positive emotions as possible.

    I greatly feel the need to have a last communication that is positive, to apologize, to get questions answered, and to talk about things that upset both of us--not to get back together but to enable us to be as emotionally healthy as possible. I feel like I am stuck in fully getting over this and it is significantly affecting me in a lot of ways, including my happiness with dating and life in general. She is seeing someone else and is apparently happy, which is great. Pre-breakup, she was definitely the sweetest girl on earth. Perhaps during and post breakup she was appropriate in a lot of ways, but I don't have the answers to all the why's to say. Would it really help to resolve this or at least speed up the process or is this just a temporary need of mine that would just be a short-term band-aid?

    Thanks for any thoughts, I really need help in getting over her and especially the way the breakup occurred. We were both each other's first love.






    I know it is not what u want to hear but let her go. I know how it hurts. I just got a divorce in April 03.after being married for 8 years. (we have been together for a total of 11yrs) He and I have 2 children. Still, even after we were seperated for 2 yrs (prior to the divorce he had another woman who he got a house for in May 03 a month after we got a divorce!!!!!) I still loved the man!! I was so stupid even after I knew he had her, I still wanted him back. I just saw him last month and my heart still melts. I don't let him know that though. It took me awhile to realize that it is a waste of time to try and make up for things in the past. If she is not responding to u just leave her be. You will just continue to hurt yourself. I'm glad to hear u want her to be happy. Cause I don't want my Ex to be happy!!! But what goes around comes around!!! Just keep on going!!! Time really does heal all wounds!

     
    Old 12-16-2003, 09:37 PM   #3
    Nevermore
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    “Memory is a burden that wears at the mind as weather wears at stone.” -=Me=-

    Simply put, time will heal the wounds, it will just take awhile. I agree with Rockie. She has obviously moved on, and you should too. I had the same feeling you have when me and my first girlfriend broke up. Here it is 6 years later we ran into each other, and I tell you what, Im glad I didnt stay with her. You will probly feel the same. It just might take you longer, but sooner or later you will forget about it or it will just be some old dusty folder in a file cabinet deep in the back of your mind.

    Last edited by Nevermore; 12-16-2003 at 09:40 PM.

     
    Old 12-16-2003, 09:48 PM   #4
    accu
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Rockieb01
    I know it is not what u want to hear but let her go. I know how it hurts. Time really does heal all wounds!
    Hey, I agree with Rockie,

    Let her go. She told you time and again that you shouldn't bother her anymore (i.e. restraining order?? c'mon, you can't be more obvious about not wanting someone in your life when you have to resort to a restraining order).

    And the more you try to contact her, the more annoyed she will get and the more you will get hurt and the more painful the break up will be. So, let her go!!!

    And just to reiterate: TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!!! It's true.

     
    Old 12-17-2003, 05:33 AM   #5
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    If you read the post which accu started about whether or not her ex wants to be friends or is still looking for more, then you'll see that I'm in no position to deal out advice right now. But logic does tell me that - while it seems impossible for me to let my ex go without knowing where we went wrong and seeing if we could make things work again - it's best to let someone go in this situation. She left you just like my ex left me (also in January). There's something quite final about that, however strange, sudden, and incomplete it seems - one side of the love has disappeared, so it's gone completely

    I wish I could act on this advice myself but I think the best thing for you is to find someone new. Granted, that might never blossom into the kind of relationship you had before, but it's got to be better than hankering after the old girl, alone and terminally depressed (if you're anything like me). I would say you're lucky that your ex has been so blunt and brutal in cutting you off. Whenever I'm on the verge of letting go mine suddenly comes back into my life and talks about the past with me like we're still together. Don't let that happen to you - it's meaningless; just temporary pain relief that, ultimately, leads to more. Move on. That's what everyone else in the world does. And defeatist though it may seem, that's what I'll have to do if I want to feel light-hearted again.

    Speaking to her will make you want more, whatever you say about just wanting to make things right and be friends. Just looking at a photo of my ex, even seeing her handwriting or something she gave me, makes my eyes well up. You can't do that to yourself. Don't pursue her. Imagine how bad you would feel if she did get a restraining order against you. What would that say about your relationship? At least if you leave her alone you know she'll harbour fond memories of you and respect your willingness to let her go.

    I don't know about you, dude, but I can't wait for the day when virtual reality becomes a true possibilty. Just plug me in and I could forget about this past year and feel like I did 12 months ago. Seriously, though, you've got to tell yourself that love can happen more than once in a lifetime. Imagine how cool it'll be meeting somone new, getting to know them and telling them all about yourself. Hold on to your wedding savings 'cos you *will* have a girl to spend them on one day. Be positive mate

     
    Old 12-17-2003, 05:50 AM   #6
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by justdoit44
    Would it really help to resolve this or at least speed up the process or is this just a temporary need of mine that would just be a short-term band-aid?

    Thanks for any thoughts, I really need help in getting over her and especially the way the breakup occurred. We were both each other's first love.
    Actually this will do the opposite. You are continuing the relationship in your mind and have convinced yourself that you need to talk it over. That only works if you guys are on speaking terms. Since she has put a restraining order against you, you REALLY need to tell yourself to move on.

    When you finally accept that you will no longer speak to her and it is over you will begin to heal. Start focusing on that. Erase her from your mind. It will be hard at first but after awhile it will work.

    If you cannot get over her you may need to seek counseling as to why you can't move on & they can help.

    Good Luck
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    Old 12-17-2003, 07:55 AM   #7
    JessieDy80
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    I was with my ex-husband for nine years. After we split up (a year and a half ago), I talked to him regularly, thinking it was healthy for me to keep a dialogue going, so I could put him in an appropriate place in my head. But it kept me thinking about him all the time. I met someone else and he didn't want me to talk to my ex (my ex also said he needed to not speak to me), so I stopped, and you know what? It helped hugely! He stopped being part of my consciousness and I was able to move on truly. Have the conversation in your head. Let her be far from you. Good luck.

     
    Old 12-17-2003, 08:45 AM   #8
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    Boy oh boy do I ever know what you're going through. But I have to disagree with the "time heals all wounds" stuff. I don't think it's time that heals wounds, but the process you use to get closure and get over the relationship. My ex dumped me over the phone, too, and it's been almost 6 years for me and I'm still miserable over it, so I guess I'm not one to give advice. I keep feeling I'll be ok if I could just have one last conversation with him and say everything I didn't get to say when we broke up, all that stuff, but the truth is it's never going to happen, and even if it did, I think I'm probably kidding myself, and perhaps you're kidding yourself the same way. I don't really want closure, I want him back, even though he's been married to someone else for over a year now. So it's pretty clear that what you said you read about neither of you being able to move on and be healthy unless you have a conversation about it, that's false. My ex moved on just fine with barely a "I'm done. See ya." Don't kid yourself into believing your ex needs this conversation as much as you do. She doesn't (remember the words "restraining order"). You're going to have to find a way to get that closure without having that dream conversation you've planned in your head. I think the only thing you can do is accept this process like any other grieving process and allow yourself to go through all the stages: grief, anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance. You may want to hold some type of ceremony just to help you put things to rest as it were. You can take a picture of your ex and bury it in the ground somewhere and lay the relationship to rest. Then give yourself permission to go out and mingle and socialize and maybe even find someone new. I know right now you probably can't imagine feeling as deeply for anyone else as you feel for her, but time will heal that IF you get out and meet new people and do what you can to move forward, not concentrating on the past. You need to find another way to get past this other than having one last conversation with her. It seems pretty darn clear that's never going to happen, so you need a plan B. I sure hope you have better luck in this process than I've had. Believe me, 10 years from now you don't want to be one of those sad, lonely people who still pine away for some lost love who's been gone for years. Good luck to you.

     
    Old 12-18-2003, 02:12 PM   #9
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: does smoothing things over w/ ex help?

    Burying a photo, eh? Sounds theraputic

     
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