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Nevermore 12-16-2003 09:25 PM

Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
Well to start off me and my current girlfriend have been dating for 5 1/4 years. We really loved each other, but to the point. About 2 years ago, she cheated on me with my best friend, my best friend got her and her friend stoned when she cheated on me, and he took advantage of both of them. laterI for some stupid reason somewhat let it slide and we continued dating. My best friend died in a car accident about 3 months. Well about 6 months ago my girlfriend started hanging out with this guy from her work. He is a total dork, very anti-social around other people, suicidal, a complete geek, not a very smart one at that. Well my girlfriend constantly hangs out with him, they go to movies at random late at night, they play board games late night(because he gets off of work at 11pm). She is always constantly talking about him even tho I told her it bothers me. The other night she started one of those relationship talks that almost every guy all so hates. She asked me what I thought of us 2 and what I wanted to do. Well to me it seemed like she was asking to break up, but I told her I wanted to stay with her and that I dearly love her with all my heart, so she kept asking the same question and I kept telling her the same answer. And she told me that she kindda "likes" this guy, and she's always saying that she loves me.

Is this a plea for her to want to break up with me?
If not should I be overly worried that she is possibly cheating on me or wants to cheat on me?
What should I do?

bluesnowflake 12-16-2003 10:51 PM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
Wow, I just don't have the strength to go into detail but here are some pointers:
WAKE UP kinda sounds like she could be depressed (hint, hangs out with a guy who is suicidal, spends the night with HIM playing games etc...) Buddy, buck up and look after the dear girl. She loves you? Lucky you. Doesn't sound like you are the most rounded person out there- describing a friend of your girlfriends' as a complete geek and a total dork...hmm, jealous, judgemental, complete lack of concern for her- ex. "my best friend got her stoned and took advantage of both her and her friend". then you say stupid you? this happened TWO years ago, and it was your freakin friend that in YOUR words, took ADVANTAGE of her.
And what the hell do you mean you "really loved each other- but to the point?" Loved as in the past kind of love? To the point of what? No return? What does to the point mean? I didn't know love had a limit or a point.
To end this, you picking your relationship apart- is it a cover up for the fact that you best friend died? Are you the one feeling weirded out here? If you don't express this, it could make her feel locked out from your thoughts and feelings, which also could have prompted the "relationship talk that all guys hate".
I think you need to look what is really going on here, are you jealous because this "geek" offers your girlfriend more than you can? Is your friends death making you moody/depressed/think differently? Is it possible that the thought of your friend is making you think more about the time your gf cheated on you with him, and in turn makes you think she would do it again? Do YOU really want this relationship? It really doesn't sound like you have a mature respectful relationship. The way you talk about love, the talk all guys hate, it sounds like you blame her for the cheat, but yet mention she was taken advantage of. Doesn't make sense to me.

so_confuzzled 12-17-2003 12:10 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
wow I am SOOO sorry that was definatly harsh blue!!! He was just explaining his feelings, maybe what you sai dwas true and a huge part of it could be true, but the fact is, maybe he is confused also just like she is confused, maybe that is why she is hanging out with that guy because she is suicidal, maybe you both need a break right now because are both going through a hard time right now, and the realtionship isn't the best for the both of you right now until everything becomes more stable. It seems like you do love her but has some trust issues with her, with you saying" she was taken advantage of, but she cheated on me" it kinda seems like ur debating which one was true and which one you wanted to believe more. Could it be you trusted your best friendb but he took advantage of her so you blamed her cheating on you because you didnt' want to blame your friend? or is it because you blamed it on your fiend because you didnt' want to put the blame on her, because she was the one that decided to get stoned? Maybe there is more going on then u know, id try to sit down and talk to her about thigns and let her know what your feeling inside, especially if there are trust issues going on.. It sounds like u are hurt and un trusting. so thats why you neeed to end it or talk to her about it and get your prioriities straight. I wish yo uall the luck!! keep us posted k? -chrystal :wave:

ken1967 12-17-2003 12:24 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
seems to me confusion is being mixed up with immaturity, after all she cheated on ya and is into this guy, time to move on and find a woman who is mature and respectful and wants to be with you, and i just find it wrong for her to be spending time with another guy,if she doesnt want to be with you she should do the right thing and end things and then go date someone else, seems like nobody has morals anymore

Ruth6:11 12-17-2003 07:00 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
You don't say how old you are, but my instinct tells me that your girlfiriend is attempting to talk to you about your long range plans with her.
Have you two ever discussed marriage?
Women usually want to know where a relationship is or is not headed.
If you aren't ready to marry her, maybe you both would benefit from a break. 5 1/2 yrs is a long long time to be in a relationship without a sure future....

Nevermore 12-17-2003 07:09 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
"Doesn't sound like you are the most rounded person out there- describing a friend of your girlfriends' as a complete geek and a total dork...hmm, jealous, judgemental, complete lack of concern for her"

Okay the guy is 21, has Star Wars bed sheets, obsesses about star wars, too me, that screams geek. Judgemental am I? Most definitely. Jealous, slightly for the fact that my girlfriend can barely stand not talking to him for like a freakin minute, she came over to my house, got on AIM and talked to him for like 3 hours. I almost nearly went insane! So I went out for a drive to cool off.

I put that we "really loved each other" because im not 100% sure if she still loves me the way I still love her. My friends death isnt a cover up, im neither moody or depressed, cant really say if I think differently or not, but I dont think I do. And when I think of my friend, I think back at the times we had not the cheating incident. The reason I blame her for the cheat, even tho she was taken advantage of is because, it was her choice to get stoned, I've been stoned many times before when I was young, and my thought process was no wheres nearly impaired enough for me to want to cheat on someone.

I do have trust issues with my girlfriend because she blatantly lied about what happened when she cheated on me, wasnt till like a month or so after my friend died that she told me the whole truth. How F'ed up is that? She's lied to me about numerous things where I ended up finding out the truth, and shed cover it up with things like "everyone has those kinds of feelings" well to me thats F'in BS because I dont get those feelings...

Reading your guys post, somewhat makes me realize thats its more likely more my fault, which actually suprises me. But I do guess I have some issues to resolve.

JessieDy80 12-17-2003 07:44 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
I don't think it's your fault. The only thing I can see that you may have looked at the wrong way is the conversation about your future. I do think that she was trying to see if you wanted to marry her, and you took it as she was trying to break up with you. She probably feels, after a long relationship with few, if any, changes, stagnant. She is bored with you. If something (like a wedding, or at least moving in together and talking about the future, instead of just the now) doesn't come into play soon, she will leave you. There comes a time in a long-term relationship when you either plan to get married or break up. You and she have come to that time. Good luck.

Ninispjc 12-17-2003 08:03 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. And I agree with you, I personally don't think anyone can "get" you stoned. She made the decision to smoke pot with your old friend. And if he did take advantage of your girlfriend while you were with her, he was not much of a friend. But back to topic, if I'm understanding correctly, you said your girlfriend started one of those dreaded female "where are we in this relationship" conversations, but she kept asking you how you felt about her, and then she told you she kind of likes this guy she's been seeing but that she loves you? Is that correct? Or has she said she loves you in the past, but the night of your conversation, she just said she likes this other guy? It sounds to me like she wants out of the relationship but doesn' have the guts to end it herself. It sounds like she's asking your permissino to leave, or waiting for you to say "ok, I get it, you want to be with this other guy, so go." If she goes over to your house, then spends the entire time communicating with this other guy, I'd say that's sending a pretty clear message to you. She wants to be with him. I know it may be hard to hear, but if I were you, I'd just tell her that it seems clear she doesn't want to be with you anymore, that you felt she was telling you the other night that she wants to be with this other guy. Then you can do what's in your heart, whether you want to give her some time to figure out what she wants to do, whether you want to wait for her, or whether you just want to cut her loose. I would suggest moving on. It sounds like you've already invested a lot of time in this girl, and if she's not more solid with you than this by now, she probably never will be.

bluesnowflake 12-17-2003 12:52 PM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
Wow, she told you the whole story AFTER he died? Now that is low. Okay don't think I am being self righteous or anything, but I am impressed how you handled my supposedly 'harsh' post (truly I didn't think it was harsh). I think you have a pretty focused head on your shoulder, thank god for that. After reading the responses, I am leaning towards Ninispjc's comment about the 'permission to break up'. Is she a very permissive person? She obviously has some self-image and sercurity issues if she covers everything she does with "everyone has feelings like that". I agree with you, not everyone does. I don't think this girl deserves a mature relationship at this point. The marrying idea could have been what she was hinting at, and saying she kinda liked the guy could have been trying to evoke more jealousy from you. You say you tell her you love her lots. This goes back to security issues, if she knows this, and she still wants more from you in ways of proving your love, she needs a head check. Either something is messed up in how she interprets love, or she really is confused about what she wants from you and is looking for the 'big proof' that you are the one. You guys have been together for so long, I think its time to evaluate what you want from this relationship. Would you consider a 'spereration' for a while? Tell her you aren't sure what she wants and how she wants you to give it to her. Tell her to find out if SHE wants you still. It sounds like you do. From what you say, I don't hear the sincerity from her. Is she a emotionally mature person with you?
No one is at fault. Things just happen. And usually for a reason.

muffdiven 12-17-2003 01:06 PM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
Get yourself together and get rid of her. She slept with your best friend. Unless you are into sharing her. If it hurts you get out. It will only hurt you more in the long run. Geeks get laid my friend, girls feel safe around them, because they are comfortable about themselves. And that attacts them. Its all about Attraction, Mystery, Challenge, etc....

Find a new girl. There is plenty of them out there :)

Nevermore 12-17-2003 06:07 PM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
I don't think its a marriage issue, every time long term relationship pops up she always says she doesn't want to get married, ever. But then it could be those evil mind twisting games that women play on men for their own lil entertainment. I want to thank you all for your most valuable input, as because of it, I'm starting to realize more speedbumps we have in our relationship. I just hope I can get things straightened out, if not, I guess its time to move on. Thanks again all, this is much cheaper than seeing a therapist, and much better, therapists just always put the blame on everyone else to make the patient feel better. And this is much cheaper :)

EDIT: BTW im 22

LL29 12-18-2003 11:09 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
Dump her Nevermore! Be the man and wear the pants in the relationship! She's full of it so dump her and move on. Be thankful you haven't wasted more time on her. As Nike say - Just do it :)


QweenyBluEyes 12-18-2003 11:09 AM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
I think she is trying to break it off. I was somewhat in this same situation, except I am the girl. I was dating a guy for 5 months, then I met a guy at my work. My relationship wasnt going very good, and I started having feelings for this other guy. But, I did not even hang out with him UNTIL I broke up with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I kept talking about breaking up, or what we should do. So of course, I broke it off.

I find it disrespectful that she is hanging out with him late at night, and going to the movies with him while dating you.

woofdang 12-19-2003 12:11 PM

Re: Girlfriend Issues, pls advice needed
I think you have given this girl more thought than she deserves.

Dump her! Don't let her play stupid games or be a problem. If you're not happy 99% of the time with her then you're just being conformed and content at best. Why waste your time.

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