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Time to admit I need help

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Old 12-17-2003, 02:04 PM   #1
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Rosie20 HB User
Time to admit I need help

Hey, everyone--

It's been a while since I've posted, so let me catch you all up to speed...

In November 2002, I started dating a friend of mine seriously. I fell in love with him and we dated until June 2003, when I broke up with him because I thought he was a negligent boyfriend and he was causing me more stress than happiness. It was a breakup I agonized over (despite the avid encouragement of my friends), and immediately after I did it, I went on a prior scheduled trip to England for 3 weeks.

While I was in England, he emailed me profusely, begging for us to get back together. He promised to change, to be more attentive, because he loved me so much. He said he was had reached a new pit of desperation and "Beethoven will seem so much clearer now"-- writing me songs and poems to persuade me back.

When I returned, we got back together and it truly seemed like he had turned over a new leaf. I was hesitant at first, but he was so attentive and sweet that I was truly happy and thought we had a solid future ahead of us.

Then in August, his brother died of heroin on the same day my grandmother died. We split ways to our respective funerals, and things started to get a little tough again when we reconvened. I tried my hardest to be as supportive as possible through his difficult time.

But in September, two women came to my apartment to tell me they had been sleeping with him since I left for England. One of them had gotten pregnant and had an abortion-- they found out about each other through a mutual dance class. (He is also a dancer; so am I). When we went to confront him, I learned about several other girls he had relations with, as far back as last November when we started dating. He had been cheating on me all along, and when his brother died, it only got worse, to the point where it could no longer be kept a secret.

So, fast forward to 3 months later, and that's where I am now. I have severed contact with him and the other women, and I have been doing the best I can healing from this really difficult situation. But I'm not doing a good enough job, and I need your help.

Because he dances with the same people as I do (although he has removed himself from all the classes we took together), I am able to keep tabs on him. I have his screenname (Instant Messenger), and I watch closely when he is online, and I have figured out some of the girls' screennames with whom he consorts.

I sometimes drive by his apartment to see if he's there, and one time when I passed him jogging, I went inside his apartment (because he leaves the door unlocked) to snoop. This was in late November, and I noticed he still had our picture up on his desk...but regardless, that was inappropriate of me! I couldn't help it, though!

I NEED HELP! I need to gain closure from this situation somehow, and I need to stop spying on him. How can I gain control over this? It seems so obvious-- the relationship sucked to begin with and he hurt me more than anyone, and yet I'm still addicted to finding out what he's up to all the time. And that hurts me even more! It truly is a vicious cycle.

Any advice?

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Old 12-17-2003, 02:29 PM   #2
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sunnidee HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

Well, Yeah. The title of your thread is "Time to admit that I need help". That would indicate to me that you're ready to seek counseling as to why you appear to be obsessed with a guy that obviously treated you with disrespect. So, that would be the first start . . . to seek professional counseling. Have you ever read "Women who love too much"? An old book published around the early to mid 80's but still in print and you may see yourself quite a bit in this book. I would recommend it in the meantime.

Old 12-17-2003, 03:49 PM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2003
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muffdiven HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

What you need to do is find someone new and have some fun. Life is way to short driving by his house, and checking the IM. You are a dancer so I am sure you have a nice figure. Go shopping pickup a sexy dress and and go dancing. Flirt with has many men as you can until you find someone who makes you laugh, and NOT one that cheats on you and makes you feel bad about yourself. Now I am a guy. If a guy finds out you are driving by his house and doing these immature things, he will take full advantage of the sitsuation. Then you will have a real problem..

Old 12-17-2003, 05:54 PM   #4
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ErimusValidus HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

Yeah, he's clearly a rat. Tell yourself that whatever he's up to doesn't concern you. You don't need to know about his sordid little affairs anymore. You had a lucky escape. This guy clearly has self-respect issues since he lied his way back into your life whilst sleeping willy nilly with the most available women around him. You obviously don't need him. Find someone loyal and deserving of your attention.

Old 12-17-2003, 07:11 PM   #5
Want 2 B Well
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Want 2 B Well HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

When you spy and obsess about him you are basically putting yourself on "hold". That is a defensive mechanism so you don't have to move on and get hurt again.
Sounds rough what happened. I wish you luck getting over it.
Married 1990
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Old 12-17-2003, 07:36 PM   #6
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CrimsonClover HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

Wow, you really do need help, Rosie. Just think: do you really want to be a stalker? This guys sounds like he's not worth another SECOND of your time. So, when you feel the need to go by his house or "spy" on him on-line, just STOP. Do something else; anything! Remove his stuff from your PC and get rid of everything else that reminds you of him.

I know it's hard; I just had to get over a jerk too. It's been 6 months now and I'm feeling so much better. And I'm actually grateful I'm not wasting any more time on him. There must be someone better out there. But, as long as you obsess over this loser, you'll never know. You owe it to yourself to forget him ASAP; he has no respect for you or anyone, not even for himself. Could you honestly be happy with this jerk if you got back together again?!

Take care, CC

Old 12-17-2003, 11:57 PM   #7
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mochi* HB Usermochi* HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

Sorry to hear that you were treated so terribly. I dated a guy that cheated on me left and right too, then begged for me back when I found out. He was atotal jerk, but for some reason I had a hard time getting over him. I was overly intersted in what he was doing for at least half a yar after we broke up. I didn't really get over it until I dated someone else. I never went as far as you did though. If you are going into his place you definitly should get help. It is very painful to go through abreakup, but a relationship like you had is even harder to get over. It mighthelp to talk it over with a threapist. You deserv so much better than this guy has shown you. Don't waste your time trying to figure him out, he probably doesn't even know himself. Move on, and get some help. Date around, it can be fun and good for you.

Old 12-18-2003, 08:08 AM   #8
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QTee HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

I don’t think you have to worry too much. I think we have all obsessed over a guy at one time or another. You’ll get over it. I remember years ago I dated a guy who had gotten another girl pregnant. One night we were out clubbing and she fronted him on the dance floor. Guess what, he left me standing there, I was so humiliated. I started doing stupid things like calling the girl hanging up. Thank goodness this was before caller ID became so popular. Anyway that nonsense didn’t last long, my pride got in the way. I knew I was better than that, so I moved on…………you guessed it …… another jerk.

The thing is, don’t waste a lot of time trying to change a guy because if he does change for you, it won’t last long. It has to be something that he wants to do for himself. It will help if you stay busy. Try hanging out with your girlfriends and doing girl things. And remember you are “BETTER THAN THAT”

Old 12-18-2003, 11:10 PM   #9
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Rosie20 HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

Thanks, guys, for all your responses. I would seek professional help, but I'm a student without insurance and I've already exhausted my 4-visit limit at the student health service for psychological services... Nonetheless, hearing what you had to say really did help, and I especially agree with Want 2 B Well's opinion that I've been putting myself on "hold." The longer I stay "under" this (rather than "over" it), the longer I am safe from having to deal with moving on and possibly getting hurt again. I'd never even thought of that.

I'm leaving town for Christmas with my family for about 10 days, to which I'm really looking foward. The solitude and change of scenary, with the added impetus of the imminent New Year, will hopefully be enough in getting me over this hill once and for all.

Thanks again to all who replied-- I've taken your messages to heart and will keep you posted on my progress.

Happy Holidays!

Old 12-23-2003, 08:33 AM   #10
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MJK98 HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

ok well its easier said than done to get over a relationship that was so hurtful , i had something similair happen to me and i was so freaking upset and depressed that someone could fool me like that, it took a year to get myself together and now when i look back i can't even remember what he looks like in my mind!

My advice to you is to get some assitance call your doctor and get some zoloft it will help you to stop obsessing and try to get control of your life again
once you do that you will rebuild

I think this is a good thing to do because the fact that you even went into his home isnt a very normal thing to and it shows me that your not thinking straight
Everything will be fine in time but its now that you are in need of less stressing

good luck

Old 01-12-2004, 10:25 PM   #11
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Rosie20 HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

Hey, everyone--I'm back! Just a quick update, and a request for a little more advice.

I've come such a long way since I last posted. It's been almost a month, and I haven't done any of those sketchy, stalker-ish things like I orginally described. I went to Florida over the holidays with my family and got my head in order, then came back to campus (I'm in my second semester of senior year of college) ready for a fresh start. There has been no IM checking, drive-bys, or (shudder) secret entries into his apartment. Even more importantly, though, I was finally starting to move on. Not necessarily dating other guys (I can't bring myself to do that yet), but I think about him less, talk about him less, and have been focusing on other things--like graduate school in another state!!!

Things were going BEAUTIFULLY, until in the past two days, I've run into him three times.

The first time (yesterday), my friend and I were deciding on a place to eat. We went into a coffee shop, and he was there studying. (He looked at me with those wounded puppy-dog eyes. DEAR GOD.) So we turned around and left.

Today, I ran into him twice on campus right outside the math building (I'm a math major). I just rolled my eyes and continued on into class.

In the moment, things were fine. I kept about my business. But then tonight, I realized how much I'm still inwardly struggling. I've spent this whole night crying.

Is there a way to prepare myself for bumping into the ex without completely losing it after everytime I see him? I can't spend the rest of the semester doing well, running into him, and then breaking down. It's hard enough that he's friends with some of my friends through ballet and I hear about him through them!!

Thanks for any advice... I really do appreciate it.

Old 01-13-2004, 11:09 AM   #12
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: NH
Posts: 490
supertrooper HB User
Re: Time to admit I need help

It will be hard since the two of you live in a common area and have common friends. You could ask your friends to leave details about him out of your conversations. Just say "Some people can't talk about politics or religion...I can't talk about him". I think they could do that for you, since they must know what you've gone through with him.

I have no ideas on how to control your emotions when you bump into him. That will probably come with time. I guess I'd avoid any eye contact if you do meet up by accident. If you weren't a senior, I might suggest transferring to a college elsewhere, but that won't work in this case. Just keep working toward graduation, when you can start fresh some place new. Hopefully far away from him.

When you do run into him and start feeling bad, don't sit around and mope. Get out. Walk. See a movie. Be with other people. Your friends and family are the key here. People you can trust.

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