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  • Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

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    Old 12-22-2003, 09:09 AM   #1
    nelzun
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    Question Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    I have been dating one of my ex boyfriends from three years ago. We were intimate back then for approximately one month and ended as friends. We've been associates and friends since then.

    Last month I ran into him and it was a convienient time for us to get together. We were both lonely and we do care about each other and get along well. So we've been a commited couple for the past month. The first week it was mostly about sex, but now we are settling into a relationship. The only problem I have is that it feels like we are more friends than lovers. We haven't had sex in three weeks.

    I love him as a person, but in a relationship he doesn't really try. He has alot going on right now and he calls me to help him out of jams (but I would do that for a friend). His family and living situation is awful, so I don't blame him and I think he may be going through some depression.

    I don't want to walk away from him, but he doesn't even touch me, hold me or kiss me. I asked him if he was still attracted to me and he said yes, definately.
    He doesn't have any problems healthwise to cause his lack of desire.

    I don't know what to do. He's not the best boyfriend by far. He rarely works, doesn't have a car, is threatened every day that he is going to be thrown out of his step dad's house. I try to help him because I do love him. (not sure if it's the friend way or more but I don't want him in danger or to end up homeless).

    There is another guy interested in me and since my boyfriend has shown no interest in seeing me since last Tuesday I spent a little time with this new guy. I know it's wrong of me, but I just played cupid with tow of my friends and I'm with them when this guy comes around. The new guy and I haven't done anything but touch. I love that he's a touchy / feely guy. Like massaging, tickling and gently tingling my arm or my neck. I know that's cheating too because of the intent, but I need that type of person in a relationship.

    Just a few minor points about the new guy. He's 28 and has a 9 yr old sone that lives with him. (so he takes care of his kid). He has a car, job and his own place so I wouldn't be struggling to help him out.

    So what do I do? I can't date both because the guyfriend I hooked up with my girlfreind knows my boyfriend and would tell his friend if he thought I still intended on not telling my boyfriend. (however the 2 guys don't know each other)

    I don't want to disappoint my boyfriend or make things worse for him in his life. He is a really good friend. I am completely confused as to what to do in this situation. I'm tempted to tell him that there is someone else interested and if he feels that we are more friends than lovers than he should let me go. I know what he'll say though, what he thinks I want to hear that he wants to be with me and I will still be confused and might pass up something wonderful. Please help. I know this post was long!!!!

     
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    Old 12-22-2003, 09:16 AM   #2
    ChinaCatSunflower
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    Re: Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    DEFINITELY go for the new guy!

    Re-read your own post and it will be obvious!

    Good Luck

     
    Old 12-22-2003, 10:37 AM   #3
    nelzun
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    Re: Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    Thanks ChinaCatSunflower. I know my instinct and my post are pulling me away from my boyfriend. As many times as I read my post the answer is still unclear to me. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend when he really needs me, but I don't want to pass up something that might develop with someone else.

    I don't even know that it's about that someone else in particular, because there will ALWAYS be someone else. Sort of the myth that grass is greener on the other side. I feel a tug in the new guy's direction, but who's to say without knowing much about him that I would be happy there either.

    I know this sounds awful because you all will probably tell me just to be alone for awhile and date. But I have feelings for my boyfriend and I don't want to see him hurting. He wouldn't be devestated by a breakup, I just don't want to turn my back on him when he always comes to me for help.

    The new guy, is just that, a new guy. His general qualities, the fact that he is responsible and has his life together and is not on drugs, makes him all the more attractive than he already is.

    My main problem is that I am afraid to shut the door on this opportunity and regret it later, all because I wanted to help my boyfriend out and not kick him while he's down.

    Maybe I should just ask my boyfriend if we can see other people. Because in all reality I think my issue is just that I don't have the freedom to get to know this new guy and I'll never know what I passed up. I am not trying to just switch a commitment onto a new person.

    So what do you think I should do? I know it should be clear to me, but I can't see what's right for me either way and I was hoping you could give me some thoughts.

     
    Old 12-22-2003, 01:31 PM   #4
    MJK98
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    Re: Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    I would go with the new guy since the "Boyfriend"
    seems to be way to needy and we tend to get sucked into a one sided relationship where you will find that all you are doing is things for him
    get out while you can try out the new guy and leave the past behind you ! Good Luck

     
    Old 12-22-2003, 05:21 PM   #5
    dollluvsjohn
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    Re: Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MJK98
    I would go with the new guy since the "Boyfriend"
    seems to be way to needy and we tend to get sucked into a one sided relationship where you will find that all you are doing is things for him
    get out while you can try out the new guy and leave the past behind you ! Good Luck

    Juat because you are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend does not mean you cant be there for your boyfriend or that you are turning your back on him!! Obviously this other guy is showing the interest in you that you are looking for. But besides the touching and tibgling you need to find out which one you are more compatible with!! I tried to get back with my exboyfriend a month before i met my fiance, like you the first week was sex and then after that it fell into a relationship situation. Also like you he had issues and while he had a car he could never keep a job and was often moving (he moved twice in one month) I couldnt take it!! I was getting so stressed out by trying to support him as well as myself. Then I met my fiance!! he was so great and made me feel so special. Even though we never did anything other than be really good friends who liked to hang out alot (no kissing touching ANYTHING!!) I realized I was WAY much happier!! So I left my boyfriend. And even though my DF and I have had our problems we love eachother very much and I have never felt happier about a relationship or even myself!! So my suggestion is to findout which one brings out the best in you and go for it!! youo need to put you and your feeling first!!

    Good Luck keep us posted!!
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    Old 12-22-2003, 05:52 PM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    I had a simlar situation with an ex bf i was with for 2 years, he didnt touch kiss or have sex with me for several months and i put it down to his problems at home, i tried talking to him about this for months and months and he promised it would get better, i didnt want to leave him as he was also like a "friend" not just a bf... but in the end i left him for someone else. And now both me and the EX are happy with our lives.

    If i was you i would first try talking to your bf .... if you cant resolve anything then leave

    Good Luck

     
    Old 12-23-2003, 07:21 AM   #7
    nelzun
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    Re: Boyfriend (more like a friend) has got me confused, do I leave for new opportunity?

    Thanks for the replies and for taking the time to read my long post. Sunday night the boyfriend called at 2 am crying and asked me to pick him up. His step brother broke in the house and assaulted him in his sleep, so I went to pick him up. He was ok but for the police report and court case I had to take him to the hospital and I didn't get home until 5 am. We made plans to hang out the next day (Monday) so I figured I would talk to him then.

    Things seemed to work out on Monday for the best though. The boyfriend was missing in action. He was supposed to call me back and come over, but never did. My friends (the couple) and the new guy wanted to hang out so I had some more time to evaluate my situation before making a decision.

    The boyfriend and I are more comfortable (because we are friends) conversation flows more freely etc... but the lack of affection points towards just friends. The new guy is shy like me and I'm very outgoing, but shy when I have to be the more assertive person. So that's progressing slowly, but we seem to get along.

    Regardless of what happens with the new guy, I think meeting him just made me realize that although my relationship with my boyfriend is entertaining, it's keeping me from what I really need and I am missing opportunites.

    I know I have a valid reason to call it off with my boyfriend and hopefully remain friends. I really hope he understands. I think I've made my decision. Now I just have to stick to it. Thanks for the advice. It helps to talk to people who have been in similar situations. I thought it was just me.

    Thanks again!!

     
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