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How to ask someone for help?


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Old 12-25-2003, 08:01 AM   #1
Leanea
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How to ask someone for help?

I'm 24 years old, but I live with my Dad. I am a foreigner in a foreign country. My Mom is here but they are divorced and live separately. I don't have a job, friends, or go to school. I need my parents' help, but I don't know how to ask them. I've tried, but failed. I feel very helpless, but I'm scared that anyone will take advantage of it. I don't want to seem helpless. I want to be independant, but I'm not. Does anyone know how to ask for help yet not seem needy?

 
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Old 12-25-2003, 09:25 AM   #2
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

What do you want your parents to help you with, specifically?
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Old 12-25-2003, 10:15 AM   #3
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I guess I need a work permit to start with.

 
Old 12-25-2003, 12:38 PM   #4
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

You guess or do you?

When you are serious about asking for help then research what you need then sit them down, take them out, wahtever and have a talk about your plans, goals, etc...

Have a game plan thought out & do your homework! Then ask for what you need.

Like if you want to work and need a permit, think about where you will work or ask around for work so you have a game plan in place.

I don't know if this makes sense since I do not know your situation.
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Old 12-25-2003, 02:13 PM   #5
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I've made a lot of plans, but Dad doesn't take anything seriously and nothing get's done. I've even had a friend of his talk to him because I thought maybe he didn't understand me. But nothing ever worked out and he doesn't seem to want to do anything at all. My Mom has been unstable (because of her boyfriend) and says she can't help me out at all. She now has a good job and she said she would help me once she get's her permit (this month she says). I just talked to her right now and this is really big news for me! I just hope it works out. I've been in this situation for years so I can't explain, it's too complicated and I wouldn't know where to start. All I can say is don't ever move to a place without any money, where you don't know the language, the people, and have only your extremely dysfunctional family to count on because that's my biggest mistake.

 
Old 12-25-2003, 11:08 PM   #6
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

That may be true but there is a way out of this. You have to be determined to follow through at all costs. Do something no matter how small at first to get you going. Baby steps...
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Old 12-26-2003, 08:13 AM   #7
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I really don't see any way to get out of this situation and I don't trust my Dad at all. Our relationship is nonexistant, which is sad, but he wants it that way. He's a very cold person and he will never change. On the bright side since my Mom got her new job our relationship went from nonexistant to where I can see her making an effort to see me once a week at least (she invited me to get our nails done). But she still won't even listen to anything I say, and continually talks about herself as usual. They are both extremely self absorbed people and I feel very shut out and as if I don't matter to either of them. I've attempted to try to build relationships with them since I moved here, but for some reason or other I don't exist to them for the most part. That's why I am having such a hard time and feeling like a foreigner in this country even after years of living here.
On the work permit subject I will find out if I need my parents or if I can just apply on my own. I read in a law book that I needed to live here continuously for five years.....unfortunately(lol) I have.
The thing is how will I ever get over the way I feel about my parents? I don't want to resent them. But, there is no excuse for thier behavior to me for the past five years! How can I get over these feelings?

 
Old 12-26-2003, 08:48 AM   #8
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

You are confusing me, sorry...I thought you were asking me advice as how to move forward with your life?
If you need to get a permit, then YOU need to be the one to find out about it. I do not understand why you do not know this. This is not about your parents. This is seperate. You must "own" this part of you. This part of your life RESTS on you, (job, school, friends)...nothing to do with parents.

Now about the questions you have about your parents I can answer that and easily at that. I have been there, done that!
You will NOT "get over" the resentment to your parents until you are a complete adult on your own, away from them. Don't even work on this part of your life until you work on yourself.
You must focus 100% on yourself, not them.

In 5 years when you are acheiving YOUR goals then you will be able to sort through the resentment you have with your parents.

I hope you understand what I am saying. It may be hard to believe this but it really is 1+1=2 formula. I know you can't see that now. (Been there)
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Old 12-26-2003, 12:00 PM   #9
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I think I understand what you are saying. But I came here on my Mom's one word that she was going to help me. At that time I had graduated from high school, worked a year and then I planned on going to college. I fought to go to high school in the US, I fought to work a year, and I was fighting to go to college when my Mom calls me and says she could set up an apprentice for me to learn design. She just pushed me on this subject, she didn't think that going to the Acdemy of Fine Arts in San Fransisco was as good as what she was promissing. She thought I was crazy for not wanting to come here and I finally said I would TRY it. None of what she said was true I found out but she (nor my Dad) would listen to me when I said I NEED to go back! I said just give me a return ticket and I can contact my friends when I arrive. My Mom says she has no money and my Dad won't help. I tried to save money for a ticket by getting a job, but I hardly could earn anything w/o a permit because everyone I worked for would take advantage of my situation and pay me almost nothing. My Mom kicked me out of the house so she could be with her boyfriend. I went to my Dad's house. He wasn't there. He was living at his girlfriend's house. There was no hot water, nothing to eat, and no electricity. I would buy my own food and that's where the money went. I met my ex and lived with him and put up with his abuse for three years. He met my parents and used to tell me they were happy to get rid of me. He would always take my hard earned money and gambled. He didn't work. He had $20,000 in the bank and owned his flat and used to say it was ours. Ha! I finally got the courage to leave him and did it. That was a year ago. My Dad says why don't you go back to him? My ex was right. I have a lot more to say but this is already too long.

 
Old 12-26-2003, 12:50 PM   #10
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I understand how angry you are. But you have to set that aside now. You must figure a way out of your situation.
I think finding out about getting a work permit is a step in the right direction. Your goals are to get back to the states, right?
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Old 12-26-2003, 03:10 PM   #11
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

Well, I don't know where I will go once I have the chioce. But that's still not possible anyway. Right now I need to earn enough money, meaning get a real job, and then go from there. I'm going to find out for sure if I can apply on my own. Until then I'm trying to just stay positive. By Monday I should have an answer to the work permit dilema. It may be that I don't even need any help at this point!

 
Old 12-27-2003, 12:22 AM   #12
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I agree 100% with what want 2 b well said.......forget about the feelings you have for your parents and only focus on the work permit so that you can find a job to earn you money out of the country. Can't you contact a US embassy regarding laws/permits etc? Look at it this way, you only need enough money to get you a one way ticket out of the place.

It's such a shame that your parents treat you the way they do, but that's something you can't change right now, so forget them. I'd be inclined to use them for whatever i could and then worry about the type of relationship you have with them much later on down the track.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 03:47 AM   #13
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

I don't believe that using my parents is the right thing to do. Just becuase they made so many mistakes doesn't mean they deserve to be used either. No one should use another person. That is too cold-hearted for my character. I wish that I had the type of family that didn't just use people, and I'm not about to take up thier mistake of treating people who really need help by in fact using them. I am more interested at the moment in either protecting myself from these types of people or helping them. Since I am not able to help those who don't want it (I've tried that one too many times) I need to learn to protect myself, and part of that is not depending on anyone. Another part is to get passed the feelings I have towards them, which I have a hard time doing. One reason is because they often seem to have problems and want me to listen and I don't know why or what the point is. I sometimes mistake this for them wanting my help when they don't, or do they? Anyone have any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

 
Old 12-28-2003, 04:24 AM   #14
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Re: How to ask someone for help?

How we feel about our parents is a very complicated difficult thing, even when we have a good relationship with them. It sounds to me like you simply miss being loved by them. You dont' feel like they loved you enough and you keep hoping that they will open their arms and love you like you always dreamed they would, which now means to you that they will help with your work permit, finding a job, letting you live with them until you get on your feet. As heartbreaking and sad as it is to have to face it, it seems clear that your parents will never love you or care for you the way you need or want them to. But you must realise that it has nothing to do with you. It is their dysfunction. And you can't spend the rest of your life waiting for them to give you something they just can't. You must now concentrate on what you need to do to get your feet on the ground. You mentioned they are both very self-absorbed. People who wallow in themselves and their own problems just like to complain. In a way they may be asking for help, but they may not know just what it is they want help with. Maybe they just want someone to listen to them complain. They both sound pretty love-starved too, which may be why they are so incapable of loving you like you need them to. DOn't worry about helping them. They are adults ad they got themselves in their own messes, they can clean it up. Just sit there and nod and think of something else, or just get up and walk away. Concentrate on giving yourself the love and attention you need and doing what you need to do to get your life going. Good luck to you, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

 
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