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RainyDaze 12-29-2003 11:10 PM

Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
I am in a situation where I am living back with my parents again after having been on my own. I moved with my parents to a new state and have been living with them again for awhile now and they are really getting on my nerves. I am looking for a new job, which unfortunately in this economy is rough, so I'm stuck living here until I can find a job, save up and get a place of my own again. I'm 27 and feel like my parents think I'm still a teenager. Before I go out with new friends I'm asked where I'm going, who I'm going with, etc. I am wishing I could just go and do as I please without having to give every detail to my parents. Is this too much to ask? I understand that living with them again obviously is different from being on my own, but I am very independent and crave to be on my own again, but it is not yet possible. Does anyone have any advice for me to deal with this?

I also have my mom asking me if I'm still talking to a guy I met months ago, basically wanting to know everything about my life. I no longer talk to the guy and don't really want to talk about him. I understand that my mom is curious about my life, but I wish she would leave me alone more. It seems that parents in general are either too involved or not involved enough and I do appreciate that I have great parents and I don't want to sound ungreatful that my parents care, but I'm an adult and would like to live my life without having to tell my parents everything I do and who I meet and hang out with. I try to imagine myself in my mom's place and maybe she just wants to be closer with me, but if I wanted to tell her something I would. I feel like I should forget about even dating anyone until I'm on my own, as if I had any control over it anyway, because I don't want to deal with being asked about the guy and if I break up with a guy I'd rather deal with it my own way and not be asked about it. I almost want to get out of the house as much as I can because the more I'm away, the more I don't mind being around my parents. I had a better relationship with them when I was living on my own. I wanted to visit and see them often, but now I want to get away. The way they're asking me all the details of my life like they did when I was a teenager almost makes me feel like a teenager again. I never really went through a rebellious stage and I feel like I should be going through one now. I don't know what to do. I guess I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading. If you have any advice or comments, I'd love to read them!

Leanea 12-30-2003 12:09 AM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
If you think of them as people instead of parents then it would be easier, not perfect, but easier. Like if they ask you where you're going, just say politely where without any details and change the subject to something else like I like that new sweater, it matches your nail polish, see you later, smile. Just be casual with them, that way they will see have to see you as an independant adult. If you continue to feel like a teenager they will see you that way. You just need to adjust your perspective a little. I know it's not easy, and they may continue the same behaviour, but you just have to continue to control your perspective and and your behaviour. Also the sooner you find a job the better your chances of avoiding being around them too much. If you're not around them most of the day plus you are at work in a proffessional environment, it would defineately help you not to feel like a teenager. Also working will give you something better to talk about other than your social life. Hope this helps!

cloverberry 12-30-2003 04:52 AM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
Your parents are just being normal. You'll alway be their little girl and they're concerned about you. As long as you go out on your own as soon as you can. I moved back in with my parents when I was around 22. I just got divorced and I had a baby. My father wasn't the kind who cared if I lived or died. My mother was so controlling and she didn't want to let me go. She would always say things to me like I couldn't survive on my own. I tried to move out a few years later but they wouldn't let me have my baby. I was stupid back then I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I went back to their house and spent another 15 miserable years with them. I'm just telling you this to let you know not to stay too long when you get back on your feet again.

Want 2 B Well 12-30-2003 06:12 AM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
During the recession of 1991 me (27yos old), my husband & new baby(she was very sick and needed heart surgery) +plus 2 cats had to move back with my parents+ their 3 cats.
Also included back into our parents home were my sis & her boyfriend plus their 2 cats(they stayed in the basement).
My grandpa dying of cancer (living in the dining room), my 2 brothers were finishing up High School.

That was 12 years ago. I will tell you that bonds of trust and friendship were damaged because we were not as considerate as we should have been. Granted there was tremendous stress beyond belief but still I could have behaved better.

So my advice to you is to be pleasant and when you start to get "bugged" to the point of insanity realize that your situation is temporary and it will pass.
Think about when you look back at that time what do you want to see? Make it a good memory for yourself.

JessieDy80 12-30-2003 07:48 AM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
I lived with my parents again for a year after I got divorced. It was for the support, not money, because I had/have a career that was fine, but I didn't want to be alone. But after a while, it started to get old and I had trouble choosing where I wanted to go next. My parents are wonderful and were thrilled to have me there, but I was miserable and acted like a child most of the time, feeling like a failure after having had a complete life (I mean after being married and living in a house that I owned). One day I decided I was going to start dating, and I plunged into meeting people. I felt awkward about dating from my parents' house, but they were very supportive. I ended up meeting someone great and we moved in together (and got married) and my time at my parents' house ended. Now I live an hour away from them and everything is basically fine. My advice to you, I think, would be to appreciate their kindness but put up the boundaries that you find necessary. It sounds as if they will respect your needs if you explain them in a heartfelt way. Good luck.

JavaKitti 12-30-2003 09:05 AM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
Ewww, been there done that. I got married when I was 22. Had my son at 25 and divorced over a year later. I had to move home also......My ex had control issues and didn't want me to leave so easily. I also was treated like a teenager. I know how tough it is to be independent and then have to move home again. It was like nothing had changed. My mom would actually ask my son where we had been if we went somewhere!!! We get along great now, but she has major issues, and has always been jealous of my dad & my relationship. She went crazy on me a few times. It got pretty bad...I'm this layed back chic...and even when I tried to avoid an arguement she would get up in my face and just push and push. I'm proud of myself though, I never let her get to me. Now I am remarried to a wonderful man. He provides a wonderful life for my son & I. He even adopted my son!!! My mother and I had a very strained relationship for along time. But now we are very close. I'm like you, I get along better with my parents when I don't live at home. Plus, if they start getting on my nerves; I can just leave!! Hang in there, the economy should be picking up soon. I would see about getting a roommie. That way it will only take half the time to save up a deposit and rent. Try to assert your independence without hurting feelings and burning bridges. Remember it's only for a short time (even if it can feel like eternity :D ) I wish you the best of luck and patience!!!

RainyDaze 12-30-2003 11:11 AM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
Thanks for your replies! I want a job more than anything and the fact that it will help me get back on my own makes me want one even more. I love my parents. I just get annoyed with being asked all the details of my life, especially when I'm not used to it. I try to remember this won't last forever and I will definitely do my best to enjoy my situation. I know I could be in worse situations. I plan to stay with my parents only long enough to save up and have a safety cushion of my own in savings so I won't ever have to move back in with them. I got a temporary job for the holidays that lasted three weeks and is now over and I was a lot happier working than not, plus being able to get out, meet people and not be home all the time, so I know once I find a job things will get better.

I'm not a partier and I have never and will never use drugs and when I do go out it's usually something really casual, so it's not like my parents are worried that I'm out getting myself into trouble. First of all, I'm an adult so I can handle myself. If I were to say to my parents, "I'm going out. I'll see you later..." my mom especially will quickly say (before I can get out the door) "where are you going?" and I'll tell her and she'll then say okay. If she has more time to ask me questions she'll ask who I'm going with. Then when I get back home I sometimes dread it because I know I'll be asked twenty questions about my night. The thing is I grew up with sisters and the attention used to be shared, but now it's all on me, the only one of the "children" living at home. I think that makes it harder. I guess I just have to remind myself that it IS temporary and try to not let it get to me. I know a lot of people who say they would never move back with their parents and don't know how I do it. Well, sometimes I really don't know how I do it! :-) Oh well... Thanks again for all your comments and advice!

Want 2 B Well 12-30-2003 01:21 PM

Re: Relationship with my parents - Living with them again after being on my own
Sounds like a good plan! Just remember, we parents are just interested in whats going on. If you become a parent you will look back and understand where they were coming from. :)

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