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    Old 01-05-2004, 08:59 AM   #1
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    Unhappy Need Some Real Life Advice!

    I need some help in deciding the toughest decision I will ever have to make. This is probably not the best place to talk about this subject but in some ways I'm hoping to get some good advice. While reading this please assume that what I say is the truth (I know there are too sides to every story so I'm trying to be honest).

    In 1999 I moved to Canada to marry a girl that I met while serving in the US Army in 1994. From the day I made the transition our marriage has been anything but special. My wife is Portuguese and with that comes allot of hot blood. There has always seemed to be a reason as to why she's not in a good mood. At first it was money issues then it was more money issues then it became stress about work etc etc...... Folks her and I combine make about 80, 000 a year. It's not great but hell I'm not even 30 and I feel like we are living comfortable enough. Her "stress" has effected her desire to be intimate let alone to be a friend of any kind.

    As time went on it seemed like we were fighting more than not. I've never been a fighter (lived with a girl for 6 months in college and we never fought once) but my wife loves to fight. Everything is an issue! Her temper can go from calm to out of control in a second. I've tried taken courses on how to deal with difficult people and these so-called "difficult" people that the courses talk about are cream-puffs compared to my wife. One of our bigger issues is that my wife is clean-freak. Her whole family must have everything spotless before they sit down for the evening. Now I'm way more relaxed but I always clean up after myself and I am the furthest thing from a pig. Growing up I used to think that my Mother was the cleanest person in the world (especially compared to friends mothers). I pretty much have her cleaning habits installed in me but my wife makes my Mother look like a slob compared to her. My wife has been so demanding and along with her inability to make any project an enjoyable experience has made me reject household chores considerably. To be honest I can't stand working around her or listening to all the criticism when I don't do things up to her standards.

    My wife has had her moments of kindness but it seems like it's always for a reason. She was kind before we bought our home.....which I told her we should try to make sure we'll last before doing so. She was kind before she got Pregnant......which was put off for a couple years because of our problems. Anyways as I mentioned my wife is Pregnant. We are having a son.......Gabriele Dylan Spears. I'm very excited and have longed for a child (especially a boy) since I was a boy myself.

    Now here's the situation that I'm battling and need advice on. Recently my wife has said some things to me that exceed anything else she has said ( which is saying allot)....We haven't talked for a few days because she has refused to apologize and to be honest I don't even know if I want an apology. Basically I'm fend up with her and the way she treats me and I'm not in love with her at all anymore. Now what hurts me the most is that my first child is due in 3 weeks and our marriage is basically not repairable. What do I do? Do I stay for the baby's sake? Any advice on how to cope with this situation? I really am in desperate need for some help here. Any advice would be more than appreciated!

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    Old 01-05-2004, 09:32 AM   #2
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    Re: Need Some Real Life Advice!

    this is a very hard topic to try and discuss as there is always 2 sides to every story. the only thing that i can say, not knowing you, your wife or your situation other than what you posted is that why do you think "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad, till death do you part..."is in marriage vows?

    i have a 6 month old son and i could not imagine his father not being around. you have no idea what it feels like to look into the eyes of your baby. you helped create another life and i hope you are there to be apart of it.

    you also were not put on this earth to me miserable. i think that you MUST do some serious talking with your wife. to be honest it sounded like a 7th grader passing notes back and forth about being mad at the girlfriend and threatening to dump her by the flag pole after school.

    being a husband is very hard, so is being a wife. but being a parent is one of the most important things you will ever do. i hope you can find a way to stay together and be the strong role models that children need.

    if you were having problems, why did you decide to have a baby? i guess that is not important now, but i really think you both need to grow up, start compromising and learn how to love again so that you can be equal partners in the life of this baby. your wife nor you are #1 any more.....and by the way that is a beautiful name,

    Old 01-05-2004, 10:24 AM   #3
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    Re: Need Some Real Life Advice! - Moved to Relationship Issues

    I do not want to minimize the validity of your feelings, and I realize that she had a temper before she got pregnant, but I am pregnant, and let me just say that it is HARD! I am in a wonderful marriage. We get along beautifully and really respect and enjoy each other, BUT sometimes he will accidentally say or do the slightest thing that will set me off and have me crying for an hour and then ranting for another hour. Hormones can be terribly difficult to deal with, and I am lucky to have a man who is willing to try to understand, and he is always patient. There is probably more to your story, but it is possible that your wife has hormonal problems. Perhaps the times before were related to PMS. And pregnancy can CERTAINLY make a rational person irrational. Absolutely, stay for the baby's arrival. She may calm down after he's born. Having a child can have a positive (or negative) effect on a person. Give it some more time before you make a decision. Good luck.

    Old 01-05-2004, 10:25 AM   #4
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    Re: Need Some Real Life Advice! - Moved to Relationship Issues

    a baby will not bring you too closer together..(it might seem like it in the begininning, but the truth will come out)....

    try talking to your wife (truthfully) about how you feel and if she doesn't want to listen..(you know what to do)

    take it easy

    Old 01-05-2004, 12:05 PM   #5
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    Re: Need Some Real Life Advice! - Moved to Relationship Issues

    I learned the hard way that staying in a relationship for your child's sake doesn't work & it just makes you more unhappy, which in turn could make your child unhappy growing up. I know how it is to deal with difficult people - my BF's family is Portuguese & his mom can go from, as you said "calm to out of control in a second"... in fact, they sound a lot alike. She is not as totally as untollerable as you have described your wife - just different from anyone I have ever known. Now, I met my BF when we were 16 years old... we fell for each other hard & after knowing each other for a few months started dating. It was the first "real" realationship either of us had been in & it was great. The problem was we were always together & we started to fight a lot. After a year & 1/2 of this, we decided to take some time apart & try seeing other people. I got upset when he started seeing this girl right away who was supposedly my friend... but it hurt me more that they tried to hide it from me. I knew all long, but of course when I started seeing someone else - he got pi**ed & was sooo mad at me that we just stopped talking, except for 1 time when he begged me to leave this guy & get back with him. I asked him to get rid of the girl first so that I knew he was serious - but he said that I had to leave him first, I was scared that he was lying to me b/c he was just mad that I had found someone else... so I stayed with him. Now, I didn't know him very well when we first got together - so we told each other a lot about ourselves. He told me all these really bad stories, like how he & his twin brother started smoking weed with their mother when they were only 12! Basically, he told me about all the drugs & bad stuff they had done & gotten themselves into since that point in their life. They led such an abnormal life, that I felt bad for him & assumed that he was done with that crap (I was 18 when we met, he was 19). Anyway, after 3 months of dating I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do, but I stayed with him. When little by little I found out what was really going on with him that I hadn't realized before - I found out he was an alcoholic & he was drinking every day, that he was also smoking weed again every day. It was getting really out of hand & he was spending a lot of our $$ on himself, leaving very little for our rent & bills & food. It got to the point where I figured something had to be terribly wrong... but he would always make stuff up like letting people borrow $$, but they would pay him back with stuff like food, cigaretts or weed rather then $$. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn't be letting ppl borrow our $$ in the situation we were in - I mean, hello we were expecting a baby & needed to be able to support her!!! So anyway, when she was 3 months old I found out what was really going on... he had been doing coke behind my back the whole time & that's where all our $$ was going to! I packed my stuff, took our daughter & moved home with my mom - I was sickened by all of this, b/c I also found out he had cheated on me. I had allowed myself to be fooled & even tho I knew things were going to be worse, I stayed b/c I wanted to try to keep the family together for my daughter's sake. I knew that none of this was her fault - it wasn't her fault that she was born to a 19 year old... that he father was an alcoholic & drug addict... it wasn't her fault that we barely had enough $$ to live... it wasn't her fault, none of it was. I am just glad that I found everything out & decided to get us out of there.

    There is no way I could have stayed in that situation, it was so not fair to her or me. I ended up getting back with my first BF that I was telling you about b/c we talked a lot after I left her father (he had only been with that girl for about 6 months) everyone was always telling me how he would always talk/think about me... saying that all he really wanted was to be with me - & at that point he obviouslt knew I had a baby with another guy. But you know what - he is a good guy, he accepted my daughter like she is his. Now I have a great family!

    Anyway... I know it's a hard thing, but if I were you, I would not stay with her for the baby. It's not fair to you or the child. You need to be happy, too... you deserve that much. Maybe you should tell her exactly how you feel & stand up for yourself... don't let her overpower you. Tell her that you do want to make this work & be a happy family - but you can't do it alone & you can't do it if she is not willing to make some changes. Have you guys tried a marraige councelor? It's really too bad that after all this time it has to end this way. Good luck!

    Old 01-05-2004, 12:37 PM   #6
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    Re: Need Some Real Life Advice!

    Originally Posted by jspears
    Now here's the situation that I'm battling and need advice on. Recently my wife has said some things to me that exceed anything else she has said
    This is NOT the situation you are battling, first off. You are just "using" what she said to your advantage, ie you have been unhappy since the beginning.
    I am NOT taking her side so don't read that into my statements.

    You are going to be a Father for the first time. My suggestion to you is to go and apologize, (I don't care what she said).

    Because this is your first child going to be born. FOCUS completely on that. I have children, 7 & 12. You can NEVER get back the joy of the birth of your first child. I know you DO NOT want to "suck it up" but trust me that it will mean something to you later when you son at 7yrs old looks at you and asks you about what you were doing when he was born. That far outweighs ANYTHING anyone can say to you.

    Hold your ground for now.
    Married 1990
    2 daughters, 7 & 12
    Suffer from allergies & other aliments
    Quit smoking June 3 2003
    Will be 39 in Feb.
    Scared to turn 40

    I am a work in progress...

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