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    Old 01-14-2004, 09:49 PM   #1
    rileyroe
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    issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Hi....my exhusband just recently got married to a real charm. We have 2 children, ages 5 and 8. The kids have been coming home telling me and my husband that they don't like being at their dads house because they don't care for their new step mom or 14 year old step sister. The new wife has told my 8 year old several things about me that really upset my son. She calls me several names that a child should never have to hear anyone say about his mom. The 5 year old comes home upset because they are yelling at her. The step-sister has hit my kids, called them names, and is just down right nasty to them at times. My ex-husband refuses to handle the situation, he tells me that i am the one with the problem, so i need to handle it. when i have tried to talk to her, she ends up screaming and yelling at me. she is a total nut! i can't talk to her rationally about anything. she has my ex now telling me that if i need to discuss anything that has to do with the kids, then i need to e-mail him and not call him. She says that I have no reason to ever speak to him again. Before he met her we got along just fine, no problems. It wasn't a messy divorce at all. I am at my wits end with this lady and her daughter...i need some advice please!!!

     
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    Old 01-15-2004, 04:38 AM   #2
    marj
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Bless you heart! I would be completely outraged as well!

    Gather as much information as possible, and get your children to stick together when they are at Dad's. If that step-sis ever lays a hand on your babies again, file charges. They'll get over the name-calling toward them. As far as the name-calling about you, it hurts your children more than you know, and they don't believe a word this new gal says (Confession: I didn't talk to an aunt for over 20 years because she said something mean and untrue about my mother when I was about 10.)

    It sounds like your children are being subjected to a hostile environment. This is not acceptable in the work place and certainly not acceptable in any household. Gather evidence to confront your husband -- tape recordings, eye-witnesses by the kids, anything! -- and talk to your pediatrician about it. They are obligated to report abuse to the authorities and can be a useful and credible third party when you are losing your mind. If nothing else, you can be awarded protective custody until this thing falls to the level of disinterest restraint.

    Prayers for a quick and equitable resolution to you,

    Marj

     
    Old 01-15-2004, 04:41 AM   #3
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Can you try and befriend her? I know that is the furthest thing you want to do but is it possible to do it for the sake of your children? Try and figure out her buttons and why is she so angry at you?
    Why did you divorce?

    Man I feel bad for the kids. I don't think there is an easy or quick solution but I hope you can find one.
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    Old 01-15-2004, 10:28 AM   #4
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Thanks to both of your for your advice!! I am so feed up I don't know what to do!! I will definately file charges against that little brat if she lays a hand on them! Want to hear the craziest part of all of this? I am actually married to a police officer! You would think that would help, but with these two it dosen't! The nasty wife has been arrested a few times before, so she has no respect for police officers, and the daughter just dosen't have respect for anyone. She recently got her nose and belly button pierced and then my ex-husband asked my 5 year old if she wanted to do it too!!!! I am sure he was joking, but what was he thinking asking a 5 year old that!!!!!!!! My husband is just taking all of this in, making mental notes and he will get even one of these days! He loves my children as if they were his own, and is very protective of them. He gives them advice on how to handle the two of them, but that is all he can do until one of them actually commits a crime that will stand up in court. This is so frustrating!

    We got divorced because he cheated on me with a good friend of mine, then i later figured out he had been messing around with this hag he married while he and i were still married. I swear...you think you know someone!!!

    I actually have tried to get along with the new wife....a few times. she says we can put the past behind us and get along, but her actions show otherwise. She is so irrational that she won't even try to get along. I have told her that she needs to find a way to respect the fact that I am the mother of these children, and she disagrees. She has threated to take me back to court to get custody of the kids!!!!!!!! Does she really think she can do that!!! She can't even take care of her 14 year old that she had when she was 15!!! This is such a sad situation and I am so sick about it. Anymore advice is greatly appreciated....I feel like I am over-reacting!! Thanks so much!! Mandy

     
    Old 01-15-2004, 09:10 PM   #5
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    supervised visitation!

     
    Old 01-16-2004, 11:52 AM   #6
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dentalnitemare
    supervised visitation!
    Yup, rileyroe! It's time to call your lawyer. Nobody over there is listening to reason. My guess is things aren't so peachy keen in their marriage right now. That's why you can't call him. He's scared of her! Heck, I'm scared of her!

     
    Old 01-16-2004, 12:11 PM   #7
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    You are within your rights to react as your wish. I applaud your efforts to keep sanity and a sense of morals with your children.

    Keep a journal. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and reports of anything your kids mention. Talk to the children's teachers about changes in behavior. Talk to your pediatrician if you suspect any verbal or mental abuse. All of these things allow you to vent privately or to qualified professionals who can at least keep the unstable elements from getting more custody of your children.

    Thanks for sharing here instead of doing something irrational in anger. Good luck!

    Marj

     
    Old 01-16-2004, 01:20 PM   #8
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    they just got married in vegas two weeks ago, but they have been living together for quite a while. The kids told me that had been fighting alot before they even got married. I don't think they should have gotten married!

    I have spoke to my son's school counsler about this, so they know what is going on. I think I will definately mention it to his pediatrician. Thanks for the idea! It is just so tough to see my kids going through this. My ex is digging his own grave with the kids and I don't think he even realizes it. My kids do realize what they say about me and how they talk to me. I am greatful that they are seeing this for themselves! I am so thankful that the kids have a wonderful relationship with my husband. At least they do have a good father-figure in their lives.

    It is killing me to sit back and keep my mouth shut!

    Mandy

     
    Old 01-20-2004, 11:47 AM   #9
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Your children’s well-being is most important. They need to be protected at all times. There father will always be their father and same goes for you. Keep a journal of events (time, date) & get legal council. The first order of business is making sure the kids are protected. Get organized. If it means hiring a PI so be it. Counseling for each child may help them and document what is happening. I would not wait until things escalate out of control. You need to know the law.

     
    Old 01-20-2004, 01:36 PM   #10
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Agree with Gemi, except that if you have limited resources and access to the legal system, it may be more useful to speak with those who report to child-protective service as a part of their job. Such as aforementioned pediatrician or school teacher. Both are required to keep a chart, one that can be released with your permission (some counselors and courts may deny a request to reveal 'confidential information'.) The journal of events -- even better if your children keep their own! -- are essential for establishing a pattern.

    Best wishes,

    M

     
    Old 01-21-2004, 11:58 AM   #11
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rileyroe
    they just got married in vegas two weeks ago, but they have been living together for quite a while. The kids told me that had been fighting alot before they even got married. I don't think they should have gotten married!

    I have spoke to my son's school counsler about this, so they know what is going on. I think I will definately mention it to his pediatrician. Thanks for the idea! It is just so tough to see my kids going through this. My ex is digging his own grave with the kids and I don't think he even realizes it. My kids do realize what they say about me and how they talk to me. I am greatful that they are seeing this for themselves! I am so thankful that the kids have a wonderful relationship with my husband. At least they do have a good father-figure in their lives.

    It is killing me to sit back and keep my mouth shut!

    Mandy

    Mandy,
    OK, your children are 2, 5 and 8 and you are "greatful that they are seeing this for themselves?". That's just plain nuts. They shouldnt be "seeing" any of this let alone you being greatful for it. Do you want them to have a relationship with your x or are you "greatful" that he is "digging his own grave". I am sorry your in the middle of this but I am more sorry for your children who appear to be used as pawns.
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    Old 01-22-2004, 09:12 AM   #12
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    No, my children are 5 and 8. You have no idea about my children. They are in no way used as pawns. I am saying that there are problems at their fathers house, and yes, i would rather have them see a situation for what it is rahter than lie to them to cover up for the wrong choices their father has made. i am sorry that I don't raise my children in a dream world....i am raising them in the reality of the world they live in. I do not want them to grow up and realize that I have not been honest their entire lives. i have a close friend that went through this and the results were ugly. Did you ever think for a minute that maybe their dad should buck up and take the responsibility of being a father and not allow his children to go through this when he has them? Come on....how can i prevent them from "seeing" the way they are trated by thier step-sister and the things their fathers wife says to them about me? Did you even read the things that I explained were going on? you are right....I would much rather they don't have a relationship with my ex if this is what they are going to have to deal with when they are with him. He needs to get responsible and stand up for his kids. I am feed up with my children coming home from his house upset because of what they had to put up with. It is not my problem that his wife cannot handle the fact that i have 2 kids with him....she has alot of issues with me, that she needs to learn to deal with. her issues with me are in no way anything that I have caused. she has even gone as far as to tell my son that "it must be nice to be skinny like your mom" come on...her weight problems are not my problem. Tomgirl....I would like to know if you have had children and then got divorced? I would like to know where you get the idea that you are the judge of my life? This board is for advice, not judgement. You should chill out a little!

     
    Old 01-23-2004, 12:32 PM   #13
    marj
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    It is hard for children to see conflict, especially between the two most important influences in their life. But it seems that you have a good sense of boundaries and are being reasonably protective with them. I'm sorry your previously good relationship with the ex has been breached by his new woman. Keep doing the right things. And keep us updated!

    Marj

     
    Old 01-23-2004, 05:01 PM   #14
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by marj
    It is hard for children to see conflict, especially between the two most important influences in their life. But it seems that you have a good sense of boundaries and are being reasonably protective with them. I'm sorry your previously good relationship with the ex has been breached by his new woman. Keep doing the right things. And keep us updated!

    Marj
    Marj-
    Thanks so much for your positive thoughts! I am glad most people understand what I am saying! I really appreciate it!
    Mandy

     
    Old 03-07-2004, 05:46 AM   #15
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    Re: issues with ex-husband & his new wife

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rileyroe
    My husband is just taking all of this in, making mental notes and he will get even one of these days!
    Seems that everyone in both households is extremely stressed. New hubby already has stress from his job. He doesn't need more. The above quote scares me especially since you included an exclamation mark after it. Please don't do anything that will jepordize your children remaining with you. Maybe you could make a plan for what you will do when frustrated by this situation. Maybe each time you witness how bad the ex's relationship with his new wife is it could make you appreciate what you have more in turn make you calmer and more at peace. It is easier to deal with the situation if you are rational and believe me that counts for a lot when you go before a judge or a child welfare agency. If your children are being exposed to a hostile environment at your ex's it is important that your home be a refuge from that, a loving, safe environment.

     
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