It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • How do I help him stop hurting?

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 01-17-2004, 10:18 AM   #1
    emtdoll
    Member
     
    emtdoll's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Location: Murray, Utah, USA
    Posts: 64
    emtdoll HB User
    How do I help him stop hurting?

    Okay to help you understand my predicament (sp?) I need to give some background info. first before I get into my problem!

    When I was a little girl I was molested by my Uncle, Cousin, and Older Brother. This all happened starting from when I was 4 until I was 9. It was a dificult road for me and still to this day I have issues trusting male figures in my life.

    When I met my DF I had finally come to understanding that I was not to blame and I was starting to feel secure. Still I had issues with child Molesters and would voice my opion on how awful I always thought they were whenever the subject would be brought up (either on TV or in a debate etc.) My DF would always sit there and not say much when we had those conversations which is odd for him because he always had something to say about everything!

    Anyway Lately I began feeling like he was hiding something from me that I should know and it was making me once again feel insecure. SO last night I sat him down and told him howI was feeling. after a while he began talking and told me about how he had been molested when he was younger and how it had affected him. He then proceeded to tell me that he had doen the same to a girl he babysat once.

    It was weird but for some reason I wasnt at all mad or upset or even hurt by the things he told me. Actually it was quite opposite I felt calm and relaxed and I hurt for HIM!

    I love him so much and this doesnt change any feelings for him that I have had except that it had drawn me closer to him.

    my problem is that he hurts from it so much even though he has dealt his time, and has even rectified the situation with the girl and her parents. They hold nothing against him and Love him so much they have invited him over many times since the incident. But still he hurts so bad and keeps it locked inside of him. I dont know how to help him heal from this and to understand that it doesnt make him a bad person.

    I am asking for replies but in your replies I would ask that you dont try and dergrade him. You dont know him or how he feels about it and he is a very kind and gentle person who loves people and loves to help people and never would hurt anyone on purpose. He kept asking me last night why he did it. He says he doesnt know and thats what is hurting the most! Please dont think ill of himor try and pass judgement on him I am coming here for ways to help him heal!

    Thanks in advance
    __________________
    Perfection is dealing with imperfection in a perfect way. ~unknown

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 01-17-2004, 11:38 AM   #2
    Blastoff9600
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Blastoff9600's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2002
    Location: Louisiana
    Posts: 3,307
    Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    First you have to realize you migth not be able to help him in the ways that you want. You might have to sit back and be there support wise for him. I know doesnt sound like much but alot of times the person has to help themself before others can help. He has already taken some major steps on that road by admitting what he did and working it out with the girl's parents. Most who do something like that never work things out with their victim(s). Since he is still carrying around the hurt he should seek professional help. I know doesnt sound like fun but alot of times people cant deal with this kind of hurt alone or with loved ones help. A professional will be able to give him the tools and help in which he can deal with this.

    The second thing is he might want to read some books about being molested. Believe it or not those that molest others tend to be victims themselves are some point in there lives. Not saying it makes it right but that does tend to be how the cycle starts. By reading some books on it he might be better able to understand and come to terms with what has happened both to him and what he has done.
    The best you can do is be there for him and support him. If you can try to encourage him to get some professional help. Being a guy chances are that will be a rough thing to do since most tend to stick to the macho thing of not needing that kind of help.
    __________________
    Married 3/25/95
    DS 13 yr
    DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
    TTC #3 since 01/02

     
    Old 01-17-2004, 01:18 PM   #3
    emtdoll
    Member
     
    emtdoll's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Location: Murray, Utah, USA
    Posts: 64
    emtdoll HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Blastoff9600
    First you have to realize you migth not be able to help him in the ways that you want. You might have to sit back and be there support wise for him. I know doesnt sound like much but alot of times the person has to help themself before others can help. He has already taken some major steps on that road by admitting what he did and working it out with the girl's parents. Most who do something like that never work things out with their victim(s). Since he is still carrying around the hurt he should seek professional help. I know doesnt sound like fun but alot of times people cant deal with this kind of hurt alone or with loved ones help. A professional will be able to give him the tools and help in which he can deal with this.

    The second thing is he might want to read some books about being molested. Believe it or not those that molest others tend to be victims themselves are some point in there lives. Not saying it makes it right but that does tend to be how the cycle starts. By reading some books on it he might be better able to understand and come to terms with what has happened both to him and what he has done.
    The best you can do is be there for him and support him. If you can try to encourage him to get some professional help. Being a guy chances are that will be a rough thing to do since most tend to stick to the macho thing of not needing that kind of help.

    Blastoff-

    He had to do mandatory counseling and it helped him alot but he still feels like he is the worse perosn in the world!! I dont know if I so much wnat to help him get over as I wnat to help him see that he is still loved no matter what he has done. he kept saying all night that i deserved so much better and I shouldnt be with him that he didnt deserve me!! that hurts so much I just dont know what to do!!

    I love him but he even told me we couldnt be married anymore and he took my ring back and he kept saying I should leave before he hurts me too! I just dont ever think he could do that and this is all makingme sick to think about!! Thanks for your advice maybe I need to read some books too!
    __________________
    Perfection is dealing with imperfection in a perfect way. ~unknown

     
    Old 01-17-2004, 05:23 PM   #4
    Blastoff9600
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Blastoff9600's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2002
    Location: Louisiana
    Posts: 3,307
    Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by emtdoll
    Blastoff-

    He had to do mandatory counseling and it helped him alot but he still feels like he is the worse perosn in the world!! I dont know if I so much wnat to help him get over as I wnat to help him see that he is still loved no matter what he has done. he kept saying all night that i deserved so much better and I shouldnt be with him that he didnt deserve me!! that hurts so much I just dont know what to do!!

    I love him but he even told me we couldnt be married anymore and he took my ring back and he kept saying I should leave before he hurts me too! I just dont ever think he could do that and this is all makingme sick to think about!! Thanks for your advice maybe I need to read some books too!

    It is really hard to deal with something like this. You can sit him down and tell him how you are feeling and that you still love him no matter what. Let him know that he is probably hurting you more by his recent actions(taking the ring back and such). If you cant get him to listen to you then write it all down and give it to him to read. It might be easier to do it that way so you can have time to think over what you want to say to him.
    You could see if couple's counseling might help that way you both have someone to talk together that might get him to see that he does deserve to be loved and to be happy.
    __________________
    Married 3/25/95
    DS 13 yr
    DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
    TTC #3 since 01/02

     
    Old 01-17-2004, 07:53 PM   #5
    Angel77
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Angel77's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Location: Utah
    Posts: 896
    Angel77 HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    This is one person I do feel for. I was molested as well. The difference being, my molester just got caught after 20yrs of still doing this and ended in the rape of some teenage girls, rape of a 4yr old and molestation of many more!!
    Your DF was yound and he's trying soooo hard to forget. He shouldn't forget, because that is what will set him apart from those who continue. He has true remorse and is still fighting the pain of being a victim and a perpatrator. He told you, which means he trusted you and men seem to have a stigma attatched about being molested. Many hear that they must have liked it, they are gay, they should've stopped it....etc. How is a male child any different from a female??? He isn't. The only difference is, it's accepted in this community to rally around the women/girls and the men are humiliated.
    You'll have to let him work this through himself because pushing could make it worse. He probably is pushing you away because he may feel in a way he hurt you by hurting another girl, the way you were. Did that make sense??? It did in my head.
    He is one person I would commend for having the courage to admit it and take responsibilty. I can't imagine the guilt. Just let him know that his being a victim is no different than you and that you love him for being honest and having the courage to be a real man.
    Pedophiles don't admit it!! Ala, Michael Jackson!!!! I was molested and would have no problem with being around him....his outcome is different and that's only because he made a hard choice and has stuck to it.
    Give him hugs and take care of yourself and him. Also, maybe check for on-line support groups so he feels comfy talking about issues w/ out the humility that comes with being face to face. Honor his privacy on this because if he doesn't feel he can share openly, he'll have a harder time healing.

     
    Old 01-18-2004, 02:42 PM   #6
    oceandreams
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2003
    Location: USA
    Posts: 546
    oceandreams HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    quote: "he kept saying I should leave before he hurts me too!"


    Did he say why he thinks he will hurt you too? I wonder if he is afraid he might do something like that again, that he's not completely in control. If so, then he still needs counseling, and would probably benefit the most from counseling that is specific to people who have molested.

    I hope things work out well for you both.

    Last edited by oceandreams; 01-18-2004 at 02:42 PM.

     
    Old 01-18-2004, 04:47 PM   #7
    index.html
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    index.html's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Posts: 1,943
    index.html HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by emtdoll
    I love him but he even told me we couldnt be married anymore and he took my ring back and he kept saying I should leave before he hurts me too!
    Doll, I know you don't want to hear this, but the question isn't how to help him but how to help yourself.

    Without even looking at his past behavior, this statement tells me that he is either a) trying to warn you of something you should know or he is b) being highly manipulative. Either way, I'm concerned more for YOU than for him.

    I'm editing to add this: I just read in the "disturbing behavior" thread that he also jokingly makes comments about getting physical with you. Now, I'm even more concerned about you...

    Last edited by index.html; 01-18-2004 at 05:06 PM.

     
    Old 01-18-2004, 04:59 PM   #8
    Angel77
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Angel77's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Location: Utah
    Posts: 896
    Angel77 HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    If he goes into counseling it needs to be someone who specializes in sexual abuse. I went to one after a sexual assault a few years ago and they treat both sides of this. And unfortunately he'll probably need both. I just hope that doesn't deter him from going. It doesn't make him a bad person, the fact he doesn't want to be that way is what makes him stand apart from the losers that continue this cycle for years and years.
    Just make sure it's a great counselor because some of the ones I've seen only make matters worse. Offer to go with him and he can decide when you're there if he wants you to go in or stay in the waiting room. Make sure to assure him you won't have your feelings hurt if he asks you to step outside for a portion or all of it.
    You should probably make a separate appointment for your issues with it as well as how to help him.
    Like oceandream said, maybe he's worried about hurting you or maybe he feels he's the same as the one who hurt you and that makes him feel awful. Another take is, maybe he sees in you the pain he caused the other girl and that's a constant reminder of what he did. I don't know, just guessing, not been where he is.
    Good luck to both of you.

     
    Old 01-19-2004, 09:31 AM   #9
    TomsWife
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    TomsWife's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2003
    Posts: 715
    TomsWife HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    Quote
    He had to do mandatory counseling and it helped him alot but he still feels like he is the worse perosn in the world!!
    End Quote

    What was this MANDATORY counceling for ?
    __________________
    Never be afraid to try something new.
    Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
    A large group of professionals built the Titanic

     
    Old 01-20-2004, 11:59 AM   #10
    Babs66
    Member
     
    Babs66's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2003
    Location: Pasadena, CA
    Posts: 68
    Babs66 HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by emtdoll
    after a while he began talking and told me about how he had been molested when he was younger and how it had affected him. He then proceeded to tell me that he had doen the same to a girl he babysat once.
    First I want to say that guilt is the worst feeling ever...ugghh.

    Out of sheer curiosity, how old was he and the girl when this happened? How long has he been carrying around this guilt. It sounds like its eating him inside. I agree with everyone else...he should get into therapy.

    I just want to add that sometimes doing something nice for other people can help us feel better about ourself. For example, doing some volunteer work at a homeless shelter or in the cancer ward at hospital. Something that will make him feel like he is a good person.

    Babs

     
    Old 01-24-2004, 01:41 PM   #11
    emtdoll
    Member
     
    emtdoll's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Location: Murray, Utah, USA
    Posts: 64
    emtdoll HB User
    Re: How do I help him stop hurting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Babs66
    First I want to say that guilt is the worst feeling ever...ugghh.

    Out of sheer curiosity, how old was he and the girl when this happened? How long has he been carrying around this guilt. It sounds like its eating him inside. I agree with everyone else...he should get into therapy.

    I just want to add that sometimes doing something nice for other people can help us feel better about ourself. For example, doing some volunteer work at a homeless shelter or in the cancer ward at hospital. Something that will make him feel like he is a good person.

    Babs
    He was fourteen when it happened. He kept it inside until he was seventeen and then couldnttake the lie anymore! he was in therapy but it didnt seem to help him feel any better! Even when he started feeling better his parents turned on him and reminded him of "how awful a person" he is/was. They still do this constantly although they never say straight out what make shim so awful they say things like: "you have made awful decisions that you will never be forgiven for" and things like "you arent responsible enough to be left with kids." the worst one yet was when we talked about having a baby and his mom said "you think she should leave you alone with a child?"

    SO whatever therapy he had pretty much didnt stick and now he holds it inside again!

    I love him so much and it hurts me to see him in this. We talk about it often and that seems to help just for him knowing I am going no where even though I know what he has done....
    __________________
    Perfection is dealing with imperfection in a perfect way. ~unknown

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Will it ever stop hurting? mizzmommy79 Relationship Health 14 02-28-2009 03:42 AM
    How do you finally just give up trying and stop hurting myinspiration Trying to Conceive (TTC) 3 07-30-2008 01:06 PM
    Can't stop crying... can't get relief... Can't take much more. LdyNY Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) (CRPS) 13 11-07-2007 05:36 PM
    I can not stop crying!! hsp1 Depression 2 05-09-2007 12:12 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:56 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!