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  • Jealousy - how much is too much?

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    Old 01-20-2004, 01:14 PM   #1
    nelzun
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    Question Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Ok, I understand being protective and being a little insecure but when is jealousy considered to go over the line into possessiveness?

    My new boyfriend is pushing me to feel a little controled. I thought it was cute that he was so worried about me, but now he notices men staring at me when I don't. He knows a couple guys I've dated in the past 7 years, two of which are still my friends and WE can no longer be associated with them because they slept with me in the past and every guy has ulterior motives.

    He wants to make love all the time, even when we've just finished and he knows I'm sore. He's pushing me to get a restraining order against my ex boyfriend because he's still harassing me and has tried to commit suicide. (I know I should get this anyway, he just acts as if the extensive paperwork is me procrastinating and gets mad). He accuses me of still caring for my ex because the papers haven't been served yet, but he's never offered his help.

    Also, he sleeps in until 1 or 2 pm because he doesn't have a job and gets mad about all the things that I DIDN"T take care of due to porcrastination. For example he wanted to make love unprotected and I let him. I don't know if it was an accident but I needed to pick up the morning after pill and I asurred him that I would. He kept me up until 5am and I had to get up for work at 7am. Then he was yelling at me after work because I didn't pick up the prescription, even though you have 72 hours. (I wasn't planning on waiting to the last minute but I could barely drive home from work without nodding off). It was only 7pm and I get home at 5:30pm.

    I don't know. It just feels like I have all these standards to live up to and he doesn't even have to get out of bed until 2. I don't call him a procrastinator if he doesn't make out a resume the moment he has a spare minute. In fact in three weeks I think he's actively looked for a job for one day only.

    Does it sound like I am a procrastinator or that he is becoming too jealous?

     
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    Old 01-20-2004, 01:26 PM   #2
    marj
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Okay, so why are you with this guy?

    M

     
    Old 01-20-2004, 01:34 PM   #3
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by marj
    Okay, so why are you with this guy?

    M
    I agree. I think my computer froze up because I didnt get to read the paragraph where she says what a nice guy he is and that she feels sorry for him because he has a stressfull job.
    I'm just kidding Jen, but what is good about your relationship? How long have you been with this man? Am I making assumptions that you both are of legal age? In other words your not teenagers are you? How long have you been dateing? Are you living with him? I guess I would need some more information before I could try and help...

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    Old 01-20-2004, 02:15 PM   #4
    nelzun
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    It's been three weeks. I've casually known him for two months prior. He's 30 and I'm 26. Really he hasn't been without a job long which is why I don't pressure him about it because that's his responsibility. I stay at his house 6 out of 7 nights a week because my roommate and I aren't getting along and he feels uncomfortable being there, but we don't live together.

    He is a great guy in other aspects. He is affectionate and takes care of me otherwise. He cooks for me and we enjoy each other's company (as long as I do all these important things he asks immediately). Which I understand are important, I just do things when I am very educated and have more knowledge on the subject. I look into things first BEFORE jumping and reacting. I am the girl with all the legal paperwork in hand, forms filled out from the internet and notarized witness statements before marching down to the court house.

    I do think he's rather jealous of other men because he's made comments before that he doesn't want anyone to touch me ever again. Understandable to an extent, but paired with his demanding tones about my important tasks he assigns, it makes me wonder.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that he doesn't have faith in my ability to get things done. In all actuality I am the paperwork queen and am very efficent when it comes to researching solutions to problems.

    However, I never comment on his lack of ambition to get a job, make a resume, or start faxing potential employers. While he seems to always come down on me for something.

    Also his ex's have called. He's told them just as I have that he has a girlfriend now and they respect that. He is insecure about my ex's and always asks if anyone called me that day. I always respect my relationships and I tell people the truth that I am with my new man, but he's insecure and I'm not.

    I'm just afraid that his insecuritues are going to break us up because I can't stand to be hollered at and told what to do as if I am a child without a fully capable brain to carry out important issues.

    I hope that answers your questions. I was so mad when I wrote the first post. I didn't mean to make him sound so awful. I just vented about the bad stuff. Thanks for all the advice here and to come.

     
    Old 01-20-2004, 06:20 PM   #5
    msloquacious
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    I'd still be concerned. He doesn't sound like he's ready to be in a selfless, giving relationship yet, and certainly his lack of ambition to get employed doesn't impress me as the attitude of a real winner.

    As for the jealousy/insecurity stuff, it's good that you want to work w/him at his issues, but let's face the facts, girl - if you two don't really have a lot of trust/faith in each other, it's time to move on. Trust is essential in any solid lasting relationship.

     
    Old 01-20-2004, 06:30 PM   #6
    solongtogo
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Girl you are too good to have a fool like that hangin on to you..be done with him, and move on to a happier, healthier life. You will find a guy who is the right one for you when you least expect it. Don't tie yourself down with this loser!

     
    Old 01-21-2004, 06:47 AM   #7
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE DATING RELATIONSHIP

    * Extreme jealousy or insecurity

    * Constant put-downs

    * Possessiveness or acting like they own you

    * Telling you what to do

    * Explosive temper

    * Making false accusations

    * Isolating you from your friends and family

    * Preventing you from doing things you want to do

    Healthy Relationship Quiz

    1. Is your boyfriend extremely jealous or possessive? Does he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him? Does he constantly check up on you or always make you check in with him?

    2. Does he tell you how to dress or how much makeup to wear?

    3. Does he try to control what you do and who you see? Does he try to keep you from seeing or talking to your family and friends?

    4. Does he have big mood swings where one minute he is angry and yelling at you, and the next minute he is sweet and apologetic and says he canít live without you? Do you often feel like youíre "walking on eggshells" around him?

    5. Does he put you down or criticize you and make you feel like you canít do anything right or that no one else would want you?

    6. Does he yell, grab, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any way?

    7. Does he threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about (like himself, your family, your friends or your pets)?

    8. Does he force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?

    If you answered yes to some of these questions, your relationship may not be as healthy as you deserve.

    Please note that this only requires saying "Yes" to SOME of these questions.
    Sometimes we may love someone who is not the best person for us.
    It may be hard to love someone and still walk away.
    Please find the strength to do this somehow - soon. It has only been a few weeks and there are so many red flags.....

    I stayed 3 years in a relationship like this and it almost destroyed me.

     
    Old 01-24-2004, 08:43 PM   #8
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    I'd get out of this situation fast as I could,he's not working but keeps you up all night,then wants to fuss at you for not doing the things he wants you to do.Sounds like a control freak that could cause you alot of problems down the road.He could turn out to be worse than the ex he wants you to get a restraining order against.Good Luck!

     
    Old 01-25-2004, 06:56 AM   #9
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?



    Run for the hills.......FAST!!!!!

     
    Old 01-25-2004, 01:23 PM   #10
    Emma2
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    I don't think she's coming back to the board.

    Hope she's ok.

     
    Old 01-26-2004, 07:07 AM   #11
    nelzun
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Thanks for your concern and you replies. I do appreciate them. I agree that he is controling. I don't know why I can't see it sooner or let this happen but this weekend was the worse.

    He went to a work birthday party with me and I only knew the birthday guy because I worl with his girlfriend. So I knew them and a few other girls from work. He knew all the people there because he used to be a bouncer at a bar. He got mad at me and disgusted because of the people that were there. He doesn't like one of my coworkers because he thinks she's a hoe. He got so upset with me because he thought her and I were conspiring against him and disrespecting him. Also, he found out that I dated one of this coworkers friends in the past. It's one of her boyfriends friends and so her boyfriend doesn't like me. So I guess taking him to a party where one person knew an ex of mine was awful too.{content deleted}

    I have 4 rules now.
    1. never let anyone else touch me sexually
    2. never lie to him
    3. stay away from the coworker friend
    4. please him in bed

    He also wants to be completely in control when it comes to the bedroom. He wants me to not move, just lay there docile.

    Last edited by hbguide1; 01-27-2004 at 06:52 AM. Reason: Please post the sexual issues of your relationship on the Sexual Health Boards.

     
    Old 01-26-2004, 08:12 AM   #12
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Ok, my computer must have frozen, too, because I missed the part where you said, now that you've realized he's controlling, jealous, selfish, sexually maladjusted and not concerned about your pleasure, comfort or social supports, you've ended the relationship.

     
    Old 01-26-2004, 08:26 AM   #13
    ladyblu
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Wow!!!

    You haven't left him yet?

    I would not tolerate that abuse. You are your own person, you deserve to be treated with respect. I'm sorry, but no matter how affectionate he is, there is no reason you should put up with that abuse from him.

    This problem of his, will only get worse with time.

    Get out before you really have a problem and have to get a restraining order on him.

     
    Old 01-26-2004, 08:43 AM   #14
    TomsWife
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    Re: Jealousy - how much is too much?

    Jen,
    I could tell you that you should run for the hills, but in reality, you are the one that has to make the decision. Do you want to be hurt physically and emotionally in a relationship? Do you want to be cut off from friends and family? You have only been with him for a few weeks. If it WERE me, I would hit the ground running.
    Take a look at the type of people you are attracted to. Was your father abusive to your mother? Did you have your father in your life when you were growing up? Were you abused as a child/adult (with the exception of the abusive,an nd it is, relationship that you are in now?) I ask this of you because of your meantion of your last boyfriend. How would you rate your self esteem? Be honest.
    NOBOBY but NOBODY would take and or take advantage of me like that.
    I have to say with all he has done/said /rule for such a short term relationship I can only imagine that it will get worse as more time goes by. What if you are late comming home one day? What will he think or do. Gosh its just scarey thinking about it.
    Best wishes and I hope you decide to take care of yourself. I hope the next post I see from you the subject line will be:
    I told the jerk (being nice for the boards) to take a flying leep off the nearest bridge !

    Marilyn
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