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  • It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

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    Old 02-28-2004, 04:32 PM   #1
    Kari7171
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    It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    I have been dealing with my husband and his children for about 8 years now. It seems like most of the time I am put on the back burner totally. I know this seems trivial but for example this weekend his daugher is coming over who is 16 with her boyfriend and she mentioned a particular movie she wanted to watch and my husband said fine. Noone even asked me if I would want to watch that movie. I don't by the way I have seen it 10 times already. Anyways then last night he talked me into going out with him and his friends from work so I did. For about the last month it's all about his kids and him and they don't seem to care what I might want to do or even ask. I have complained about this over and over and it just doesn't seem to change. How do I get people to listen to me and take control so I am considered also when there are things going on. It's not like I sit back and say nothing either. I always speak up and am very vocal about it when something like this happens. Help!!

     
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    Old 02-28-2004, 07:11 PM   #2
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    [I can totally relate to this...and I'm just dating a fellow with four grown children.

    His kids always, always take priority over me. For example, I'm sitting here at 7pm on a Saturday night....stood up by him. No doubt he is at one of his kid's homes...didn't even bother to call me.

    Thank goodness I have no interest in marrying him. That would be sure disaster.

    I say, GET OUT of the inadequate relationship. Women DESERVE to be NUMBER ONE in their mate's life.


     
    Old 02-28-2004, 07:51 PM   #3
    Kari7171
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    I am not planning on leaving him we have been together forever and when his kids are not involved he is the nicest man I have ever met in my life. He is still nice then it's just I get put in the background at that point. I am so emotionally involved at this point I really can't turn away. We were living together for about 6 1/2 years and then now have been married for the last year and a half. I always hear stories about how parents should put there children first so it makes it hard for me since with that advise I get pushed in the background. I really can't say that everyone who is involved in a relationship where there partner has children should just not even try or just give up. It's just hard and I am asking for help in dealing with the situation.

     
    Old 02-28-2004, 08:48 PM   #4
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Hi Kari,
    Since you've mentioned that you have communicated this "problem" with him, I'd suggest the next step would be is to compromise. Ask him if he is willing to compromise doing something with you (of your choice), since you're willing to sacrifice things for him (as you have done thus far).

    If this doesn't work and communication isn't getting you no where, maybe start doing your own thing when he wants you to do something that you really don't want to do with him. Because if you keep compromising in the relationship, yet he isn't putting in any effort on his part, you will start to feel taken advantage of and for granted. Then bitterness sets in.

    A relationship has to be a 100 percent effort on both parts. That way neither party feels that they're being taken advantage of. But keep the communication lines open and definitely see if he is willing to compromise. Good luck!

    Last edited by miss_prolixity; 02-28-2004 at 08:53 PM.

     
    Old 02-28-2004, 11:29 PM   #5
    Ninispjc
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    I think to a certain degree that's just part of being with someone who has kids. The kids have to come first, they are most important, and that's just the way it is. But that doesn't mean you should be totally ignored, your feelings count, too. The next time he and the kids want to do something you don't want to do, have some other suggestions ready that would be something everyone could enjoy. Be prepared to have a solution ready. It won't do for you to say "no, I don't wanna do that" and they say "ok, what do you want to do?" and you say "I dunno, I just don't wanna do that." Have alternatives ready. If they say no, make it clear to them that you are compromising for them and expect the same. You could say "ok, I'll compromise and do what you guys want to do this time, but next time it would be fair if we could all decide on something we all would enjoy. I really need to start being included in these decisions and the activities." Then be prepared to back it up. If they ignore you next time, don't participate. Tell them "I went along last time on the understanding we would compromise and my feelings would be taken into consideration this time, and they weren't. I feel I'm being treated unfairly and I can't participate under those circumstances." And don't participate. Right now your husband has no reason to change things, because he knows he won't lose anything if he doesn't. Why should he compromise with you if he knows there's no consequence if he doesn't? I'm not saying his consequence should be a chaotic home filled with yelling and nagging, but you have to let him know he needs to start considering your needs. Marriage counseling might help, too. If he won't go, consider going to a few sessions by yourself to get an objective, professional perspective. If you co, though, choose a therapist carefully and go to one you feel comfortable with, not one that will be biased toward one side or the other. But his kids are in his life for good, they are a priority as they should be, and you aren't going anywhere, so to a degree that's something you're going to have to compromise with as well.

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 07:37 AM   #6
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Ihave to say Nini has some great advice.
    One has to realize that when involved with someone who has kids those kids come first. My borther is a single dad of a young child and one girl he started date started trying to push my nephew out of the picture and my brother told her he couldnt date someone like that.


    Mschrief,I have to warn you dont every date or marry someone in the military. I am an Air Force wife and from day one I knew I would come second. With those that enlist their country comes first and foremost. The nice the thing is the Air Force happens to be on the the most family friendly branches so it isnt as hard. My dh's cousin has missed the birth of two of his kids because military comes first,he even missed the whole first year of his son life because the military comes first. My Dh hasnt had to miss things like that. Though he has had to miss birthdays,annivesaries,and other such events.
    You may think women deserve to be number one in their mate's life but that honestly isnt true because there is so much more to consider. I have to say though that a lot of military enlisted do try to make their spouses still feel special and loved.
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    Old 03-01-2004, 05:11 AM   #7
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Does he have the children full time? If not, then I assume there is a lot of time that you two have alone to pursue any activity that you enjoy. Have you tried making plans of your own for you and your husband? If you don't then that is why you end up doing what other people want. Suggest doing things that YOU enjoy doing. Go for dinners, walks, rent movies that you enjoy watching when you have evenings alone. If he is unwilling to compromise and do things to make you happy, then certainly you have a problem. Don't wait for others to make plans to you just might happen to like. Make plans to do things that make YOU happy and that would make your relationship stronger.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 07:32 AM   #8
    eightball61
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    I am sure a lot of woman can relate to this....

    You need to let him know your feelings straight out... Thats the only way to get things solved.

    To have a successful family in today's world the spouses need to communicate with each other and work as a team. Now, the kids should be put before you both anyways. If my child wanted to watch a movie I saw 10 time I still wouldn't mind seeing it again just do to the fact that they want to spend quality time with me.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 08:07 AM   #9
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    If my child wanted to watch a movie I saw 10 time I still wouldn't mind seeing it again just do to the fact that they want to spend quality time with me.

    I have to laugh at this because I cant count the number of times I have seen Lion King and other such movies...yes I am a kid at heart and love Disney movies and will watch them even by myself. My youngest son is a huge Disney fan as well,he even watches the girly ones. I was so surprised at that because I was watching Sleeping Beauty while my son was upstairs watching SpongeBob. He came down and sat beside me and watched Sleeping Beauty with me and then asked to watch it again.
    When my youngest broke his leg we watched some movies anywhere from 2 to 6 times a day just to keep him happy. I swear to you two days after we got Finding Nemo I could speak every line word for word and grunt for grunt...lol but I still get a kick out of watching it with my kids. It is the time I get to sit and cuddle with them and explain some of the harder parts that makes it so worth it.
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    Last edited by Blastoff9600; 03-01-2004 at 11:13 AM.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 08:17 AM   #10
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    The difference is that you seem to enjoy these movies. She doesn't. Also, you probably have a young child and you can cuddle and it's fun but she has a 16 year old step daughter. She's not really a child any longer.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 03:31 PM   #11
    Kari7171
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Thankyou, yes she is not a child any longer. I cannot sit and cuddle with a 16 year old and she had her 17 year old boyfriend there also. To the other poster we normally don't have the children full time but have been having them over every weekend recently for a month and a half. Also I do make plans. I say lets go see this movie on Saturday and it will be all set or lets go out to dinner this Saturday I will have the place all picked out and then when all of the sudden his kids are coming over then noone even considers that I had already made plans. I ended up getting a pay per view movie and sat in my room by myself watching tv. Part of why I did not want to watch the movie is I don't really think they should have been watching it because of the content of the movie. It even makes me have a hard time sleeping at night when I watch that movie. Noone is going to force me to watch a movie like that. She is 16 and has always been into the most scarry movies they make. I have tried to not let these kinds of movies be allowed in my house if they are really bad but then I just turn out to be the bad guy all the time. Kids seem to resent the step parent more then if there real parents try to take control. I know you all will say that my husband there father should take control and I have talked to him until I am blue in the face about this but after this many years I don't think it's going to change. He refuses to discipline them at all. That is another part of my frustration. The whole thing is more complicated then I have time to explain. Thankyou for your replies. If anyone has some experience who is actually in my position and made it work or has ideas I would love it if you suggested something. I think someone mentioned counseling and that does seem like a good idea. I think it's hard for anyone who is in a split family to try to cope. I have just been having a very stressful month at work and really wanted some time with my husband the last month and it just doesn't seem to be happening so it has driven me a little crazy. I don't think thats too much to ask. After all his ex wife seems to want time with her husband and it seems like that is why she is sending them over here all the time recently.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 04:24 PM   #12
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kari7171
    I have been dealing with my husband and his children for about 8 years now. It seems like most of the time I am put on the back burner totally. I know this seems trivial but for example this weekend his daughter is coming over who is 16 with her boyfriend and she mentioned a particular movie she wanted to watch and my husband said fine. Noone even asked me if I would want to watch that movie. I don't by the way I have seen it 10 times already. Anyway then last night he talked me into going out with him and his friends from work so I did. For about the last month it's all about his kids and him and they don't seem to care what I might want to do or even ask. I have complained about this over and over and it just doesn't seem to change.
    How do I get people to listen to me and take control so I am considered also when there are things going on. It's not like I sit back and say nothing either. I always speak up and am very vocal about it when something like this happens. Help!!
    Hi Kari,
    If I understand your post, you're asking, How to take control. How to take control of what exactly? You want consideration when "things" are going on. If you want to be considered you have to stand up and be counted. If he talks you into something you don't want to do and do it for him that's one thing...the next time your asked to do something you don't want to, next time reply, "No thank you, but thanks for asking, with a big kiss ". By the way, did you enjoy yourself when you went out or was it a slow torturous evening? Don't get discouraged. He's responsible for her. This is a crucial time in her life. She's 16! He should be involved in her life as much as humanly possible. He fathered a child and that's it. I don't think you want him to put you first and over his daughter. If he did I would not think him much of a dad or man. He's doing what he should. Bottom line, he's getting it done and nobody is bleeding. Kudos. There are plenty dead beets out there and you seem to have a keeper. This time won't occur again. Your young once, get married once (hopefully), have prom etc, she needs a lot and he needs to give as much as he can with nothing and nobody in the way. You could have real issues if he decided to spend time elsewhere rather then home with you and the daughter. I could think of worse. Don't give him a hard time about spending time with her. There is no competition and if there were, you should concede on that point. It's a selfless thing to do and you may not get a thank you but you and people around you will notice the change in your demeanor and appreciate the support you give...

    Who do you want to listen to you? Your husband? His kids? What exactly do you want to say to him? You already have control over what you do and who you do it with by accepting or declining an invitation. You don't have to wait for an invitation to do whatever it is you would like to do. It's okay to have different interests and to pursue them. Three options, Lead, follow or remain neutral. Nikes slogan: Just do it! If it means that much to you, assert yourself and be counted . It's not easy to do if your not used to it. When you say complain, I don't know what you mean. A complaint to one person could be something to someone else.

    Scenario, If my hubby tells me, I'm going over my parents to do xyz on the night we had a prior engagement, I would expect a heads up out of "consideration" so I can change things around. I also must say it is not in his personality to do this type of thing and be this way because he is very considerate and the most considerate person I have ever known. If your spouse is disrespectful by a lack of consideration and that's in his personality I could only suggest some type of counseling. You have 8 yrs. with this man and have watched his children grow and as you have said have been "dealing with" them for that long. Does "dealing" mean tolerated? 8 yrs. is a long time to "deal" with a situation. Are you fed up with it? Have you come out and told him how it makes you feel? You said you complained and I don't know what that means...

    If my husband has his brother over and had planned to catch a ballgame on TV, would I expect him to askme for permission or if that was okay with me? No way and no. Why? Firstly, because he is a grown man with a life before we were a couple. Secondly, because I know he puts us first and I want him to nurture his relationship with his family. Thirdly, because we know what we mean to each other and are on the same page and have similar interests and so on. Those are just a few reasons.

    He has his daughter and it is their time but you are together, you can make issue of it or you can accept it as the way it is. If you feel your being walked over put weight behind your words. Complaining about something is passive.

    Back to the video/visitation issue, I don't know how often he has his daughter over for visitation but would figure he'd agree to what she wanted to do or see because that is their time together. I don't think he cared one way or the other about what movie was going to be watched and don't think it occurred for him to take vote on it. It's just a flick his daughter wanted to see-that's all, besides, you have the other days to select the movie you are going to watch. The message being sent is, I want to spend time with my family and it doesn't matter what we do as long as we do it together.

    It takes a lot to keep a 16 year old interested, think it was a natural reaction and gut decision. I don't think he was thinking, "I'm going to put my kids ahead of Kari and make her feel second fiddle"...If you saw the move 10 times before, what's the harm in seeing it again? You could tell him, he owes you one! lol

    This issue comes up in families with children from a previous marriage and the ex, the ball of wax. It's part of it. The spouse feels second to his prior commitments and the truth of the matter is, I'm sorry to say, he or she is second. It's the nature of that beast made worse if you don't like his teenagers. I hope something in here works for you. It will work out! Take Care, Gemi

    ps; If I misunderstood or am off at all, please disregard!

    Last edited by Gemi; 03-01-2004 at 04:25 PM.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 05:05 PM   #13
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    Re: It's always about everyone else and what they want to do why does it seem like that?

    Probably the only part you are off on is he didn't do it to spend time with his daughter. He sat in the computer room while she watched the movie with her boyfriend and I sat in another room. I guess I wouldn't mind so much if he spent time with them when they were here. I tell him that over and over. There are so many times when I go to the park with them or I sit with them in the living room. I have to tell him to spend time with them. I will ask him why do you have them over here if you don't spend time with them? When I say I complain I will actually come out and say why do you not ask me or consider me when we already have plans? I don't just sit back passively either. It's just that he has already told them yes they can do whatever they want and then if the plans got changed because of me then it all gets blamed on me. Maybe I have been a little weak in that area but that's because every time I do speak up and say something they get mad at me. So maybe I should make my own plans when that happens and go out with a friend or something. It's hard though because that is not what I really want to do. I guess it's harder to be in this position then I thought it would be and if I had to do it all over again I probably would not do it but what does that say for all of those men out there that have children and want a relationship with someone. There has to be a happy medium to make both parties happy and not one side to just get walked on and totally pushed in the background. I believe handled right something like this could work and all parties could be happy but people need to be considerate towards all parties involved and that does not include totally disregarding your wife just because the children snap there fingers and want to do something. It shows a good example to the children too to treat me with respect and consideration. He could have just said let me see to his 16 year old I'll ask my wife and i'll get back to you. Maybe then I would not have even cared what they did. I just wanted that consideration of someone asking.

     
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