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  • PLZ HELP, ex boyfriend issue....

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    Old 02-29-2004, 08:20 AM   #1
    Join Date: Jul 2003
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    Exclamation PLZ HELP, ex boyfriend issue....

    I apologize ahead of time as this is a long complicated story....
    I am 23, and married (seperated for most of the past 2 yrs.), my husband and I have two children, 4 and 7yrs., I have been their sole caregiver for all their lives. Basically, I have screwed up alot in the past year, making stupid mistakes for this guy, my ex. I met him about a year after my husband left, and fell for him almost instantly, I don't know why, he is not good looking, and has made tons of mistakes in his 29 yrs., he is pretty much a self centered loser, the only thing I saw in him, I guess, was he was super nice to me, showed me tons of attention. I am a person with borderline personality disorder, basically I have insanely low self esteem, am terrified of anyone leaving me, I act insane when I feel rejected, I am bi polar and very small things can make me or break me, also have had depression since I was very young. Needless to say I am very high maintenince. I would like to point out though, that I have been in therapy for all this (still am) and on medication. Anyway, since I was way behind in bills since my husband had left, we decided my 2 children and myself, should move in withthis man after knowing him for about 3 months. Around this time, an ex-boyfriend, who worked with my current boyfriend(the one I had just moved in with), called me and told me he knows this guy cheated on me, with someone they work with. It was an issue for about a week, then I kinda let it go, didn't believe my ex, because he was my EX, ya know? I was a complete ***** to him cuz I thought he was just trying to break me and this new guy up. When me and my boyfriend would fight, I would bring up the cheating thing just to **** him off, I never really thoguht he did it. Months past, things got worse between him and I, and then my husband started pursuing me really hard again, wanting to work things out, but I blew him off. Things started getting really bad then, my boyfirend started being mean to my kids, so eventaully we left, unfortunately had no where to go, so, my husband now has my children with him at his parents house, i cannot go there or call even because his family absolutely HATES me. I am homeless, staying at friends houses on the couch and floors. I get to see my kids about 2 times a week, it kills me, I miss them horribly. A week after I left my boyfriend, I found out by default that he accually HAD cheated on me, with some ugly girl he works with...I was over there packing stuff and her husband called and told me!!!!
    Anyway I lost my house to move in with this man, he cheated on me, he was mean to my kids, I lost my kids now because of him, lost almost everything I own, lost my car, because I paid to fix his instead of mine. The only thing left for me is I have managed to stay in the business school I am attending, and my husband, still wants to work things out, after what I have just put him through over this ******* ex boyfriend......the insane thing is, I cannot seem to let this guy go, he is a loser like I said, so why can't I stop thinking about him????? He still hangs out with this girl he cheated on me with, she is an ugly loser too, and I get SOOO mad, and SOOO jealous, when meanwhile, my husband, who is smart, great looking, and an awesome father, is willing to try with me again (even tho his entire family would disown him if they found out!!), I feel so guilty for ever even thinking about my ex, why can't I just let him go??? He hurt me so bad, and I still think abouthim day and night.....I want to commit to my husband mentally, how can I do this??? thanks for your patience in reading this, I am open to any advice, constructive criticism, anything I can get, thanks...

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    Old 02-29-2004, 09:26 AM   #2
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    Re: PLZ HELP, ex boyfriend issue....

    Sorry youre going thru some rough times hon. Sometimes i wonder if if its not something like "wanting what we can't have" thing. You know he's a loser, a cheat, MEAN TO YOUR KIDs, that ALONE there would have been enough for me to kick someone out COMPLETELY or leave. You said you are terrified of anyone leaving you. I think that is why you are still thinking of him. Cause he is the one who left. If YOU had left, it might have been easier on you. You say you have low self esteem, and depression. Have you tried asking your doctor if he believes your med should be changed , perhaps its not working anymore. Maybe that would get you more in balance and get you to thinking straighter and feeling more in control. Or maybe some kind of therapy. Depression is an awful thing and sometimes a very dark place to be in that you can't see out of that hole. THinking of him is probably a way of trying to make sense of what went wrong, and thinking of what "might" have happened, the loss of that relationship (even if it did turn bad). Everyone goes thru those emotions when a relationship goes bad and if they say they don't theyre probably lying. So most of those emotions you are going thru are normal. It's just that your emotions are overwhelmed right now because so much is going on and depends on what you will do next. Just know that he is a loser and you are SOOO WAY better off without him. COncentrate on your kids when you do get to see them. COncentrate on your schooling and know that , you are planning for you and your childrens future life.
    The best way you can get back at that "ex" is for you to get on and succeed with your life. He probably knows you have low self esteem and with all the medical problems thinks/knows youre pining for him. Let him keep the "ugly loser" cause you are going to be better than fine without him. DO IT FOR YOURSELF, do it for your KIDS. We are MUCH stronger than we think we are. Finish your schooling, get a great job, get your kids back and your esteem will blossom knowing you yourself did it. You can do it hon. Your husband must still love you very much if hes willing to reconcile even tho his family will disown him. Please keep in touch hon.

    Last edited by Jenetti; 02-29-2004 at 09:31 AM.

    Old 02-29-2004, 04:15 PM   #3
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    Re: PLZ HELP, ex boyfriend issue....

    I think what you should do is stop, take a breath, slow down and listen to what you said to us. The answer to your question is in your own post. You told us this guy is a loser, irresponsible, needed you to pay for his expenses (car), etc, he's unattractive, is mean to your children, then you told us you have a deep fear of rejection. There's your answer. It's not that you can't get over this guy. It's that you can't get over the fact that someone in this world didn't love you. But what you need to realize is that no one is loved by everyone. It's unrealistic to feel bad if you aren't loved by EVERYONE. You said you are in therapy. Have you discussed this with your therapist? Work on this this with him/her. If it would be a good thing for you to get back together with your ex, you don't want to blow it by obssessing over this loser just because you hate to be rejected. Just remember, it's not the guy you can't get over, it's the feeling of being rejected. Keep that in mind and work from there, and check in with your therapist. Good luck to you!

    Old 03-01-2004, 03:18 PM   #4
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    Re: PLZ HELP, ex boyfriend issue....

    hi again, thankyou both for posting I will discuss this issue with my therapist, it might take awhile though, as I have MANY issues to work on with her.....anyway thankyou again, I feel better already!

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