It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Jealousy

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-21-2004, 04:17 PM   #1
    Joseph Orion
    Junior Member
     
    Joseph Orion's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Denver, Colorado
    Posts: 47
    Joseph Orion HB User
    Jealousy

    Hi everyone.

    I just wanted to know some tips to help overcome jealousy. I mean, I know a little bit of jealousy is good because you care for that person but last night, I flipped out. My girlfriend and I went out with a couple of her friends to a dance club which was not so good since I'm not a dancer. In fact I hate it. lol Well, anyway my girlfriend is dancing with her friends and all is good. And then a guy that was a friend of a friend started dancing with her and everything is still all good. I guess I felt a little jealous because it should be me dancing with her. So I go bring her a beer she ordered and I dance with her for a bit and then we go dancing on a diff. floor and she tells me "don't be jealous ok? I'm gonna dance with this guy" who was this lonely looking dude just standing by himself on the dancefloor. and I thought it was nice of her to do that and so I just danced by myself for a bit. But then later on she said she's done dancing and we go sit down. We talk and laugh and she tells me she'll be right back and I sit and wait for her. She starts talking to her 2 friends and out of nowhere these 3 guys come running over and start hugging them and the girls are all getting into it and pretty soon they're all dancing with each other and I'm just sitting there watching all of this. And pretty soon, the guys come back with shots for the ladies and they dance some more and these guys were just all over them. I finally had enough and it was almost closing time anyway so I walk over and tell her that I was all set to go. She kisses me and says just a minute and that she'll be coming over. And I go and sit again and figure she's gonna tell her friends what's going on. And instead they talk so me more and start grinding with these guys and then my girlfriend takes two of the guys by the hand and leads them over to play twister. And the two guys are all giving each other high fives and that set me off over the edge. I told the guy we met up with there that I was extremely mad that she never once wanted to have fun like that with me but she's over there having the time of her life with 2 strangers. Anyway, in the end, things got pretty heated and she said I need to be able to trust her and everything. After all was said and done though, we opened up and told each other just how we feel about each other which was a shocker for me because I had no clue she felt that deeply for me and then we started telling each other all the bad stuff that was going on in our lives and she said she wasn't used to having a guy like me and etc.. I just don't know... How am I supposed to not get upset about stuff like that? She says I need to talk to her if I have a problem which would be fine and dandy but I'm sure that wouldn't have gone over well. Any suggestions? I really really want to be with this girl forever and I don't want my jealousy to destroy this

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-21-2004, 05:12 PM   #2
    Salinas1
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2004
    Posts: 548
    Salinas1 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Joseph Orion
    Hi everyone.

    I just wanted to know some tips to help overcome jealousy. I mean, I know a little bit of jealousy is good because you care for that person but last night, I flipped out.....Any suggestions? I really really want to be with this girl forever and I don't want my jealousy to destroy this
    You have jealousy confused with plain and simple poor manners and lack of respect. The "you don't trust me" rhetoric is often a smokescreen for trouble. You were dissed, not the other way around. Her "I care for you deeply" conversation is somehow not well aligned with the behaviors she displayed (at least as you present them).

    Just a caution to keep an objective eye open as you move forward with this girlfriend. Things are far more often what they appear to be than they are what one wants to say they are.

     
    Old 03-21-2004, 06:48 PM   #3
    Joseph Orion
    Junior Member
     
    Joseph Orion's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: Denver, Colorado
    Posts: 47
    Joseph Orion HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Salinas1
    You have jealousy confused with plain and simple poor manners and lack of respect. The "you don't trust me" rhetoric is often a smokescreen for trouble. You were dissed, not the other way around. Her "I care for you deeply" conversation is somehow not well aligned with the behaviors she displayed (at least as you present them).

    Just a caution to keep an objective eye open as you move forward with this girlfriend. Things are far more often what they appear to be than they are what one wants to say they are.
    Yeah, I didn't fully explain everything because I was running late for work. But now I'm here at work and I can elaborate a bit more...

    The thing is that I trust her fully. I just don't trust other people. I mean, I know she's just having fun and I fully support that. But when drunken guys meet friendly women.. I know what goes through their minds, I'm a guy too. Well, I screwed up too because I went overboard. I overreacted and asked the guy we met there if he would give everyone a ride home that night because I was gonna leave. He said he would and I said thanks. I went back to the car and got all of their things out and went back in and handed all their stuff to them and said I was leaving. At that moment the lights all came on in the club and she looked at me when I gave her all her stuff back. (at this time she's sitting at our table with our friends again). and she asks me what's wrong. And I said "you're asking ME what's wrong!?" and we get in an argument and she told me if I had a problem all I needed to do was go over and talk to her instead of just go to the extreme. And I thought about it and she was right. I made an *** out of myself that night and it was all messed up. Well, the whole deep conversation stuff came up about a half an hour later. We sat in the car and she said she was sorry about everything and that she fully understood how I would get ****** off in that situation but that I needed to talk to her if I was getting upset. She said she would've gotten upset if the tables were turned as well but that she would never just dump off my stuff and leave me somewhere with my friends. And so we were supposed to go out to breakfast with her friends right afterwards so we made our way north about 30 min away. On the way there she told me that she loved me and that she wanted me to be in there for the rest of her life and that she knew she shouldn't have acted like that at the club etc. And so then we stop at the restaurant and talk a little bit more and then she told me that she didn't want to scare me off but she wanted me to eventually be her little girl's daddy. And I told her it didn't scare me at all. And then she started crying saying her baby's father was a real jerk and that it's going to be really hard to tell her daughter that I'm not her real father. And then she really started crying and all of a sudden we're talking about all kinds of problems we're dealing with and we sat outside of this place for a long time. I told her I'd always be there for her and I don't want to bore you all with every little detail so in the end it all boiled down to communication. There was none that night and I went off the deep end.

    What hurt me was when she said "Joey, I'm not a *****, ok?" immediately after the incident. Because I totally didn't think she was being one.

    Anyway, that's pretty much the whole thing in a nutshell. As we went home around 4am, she told me that the best part of the entire time both day and night, was when we were playing catch in the backyard with her daughter. She said that when I'm with her and her daughter it just feels so right and makes her feel at ease, comfortable, and very happy. She said even her mom told her that she looks complete now. I think I'm just afraid to lose her, I don't know. Relationships... Just when you think you know it all, something new and wild happens. I've never been in that situation before because my last girlfriend and I never went out to clubs or anything like that and I told my girlfriend that last night. And she said we need to talk if something's wrong so it doesn't get out of hand. She also said "I told you not to be jealous if I was dancing with someone else multiple times tonight" Which she indeed did and I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. Everytime I started to get really jealous, I'd walk up near her and she'd throw her arms around me and start kissing me.

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 07:45 AM   #4
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    I may be going a little off you post but will try my best to stay on topic.

    I am in the same boat. I have never been the jealous up until the past year. When I go out and see my gorl talking to other guys I get very quiet and sit back. When she goes out with the girls to the club I am even worse.

    This is something that I am trying to overcome and I am sure you are trying your best also. All I have to say is don't let the jealousy take over the relationship.

    Its ok to be jealous sometimes but there is a point where she may just get sick of it because you have trust issues. I know you stated that you trust her and I feel the same for my girl. But if we really trust them then why are we jealous????

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 08:06 AM   #5
    newlywedgurl
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 814
    newlywedgurl HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    This is a bit off-topic, but can I just point out that there is a BIG difference in being jealous and being possessive. Sure, we pay close attention if our date is being hit on. Makes us smile and cringe at the same time. Smile b/c we are proud, and cringe, because we wonder if they will be tempted.

    Yes you can trust someone and still be jealous. However, there is nothing worse than an overbearing, controlling (under the ruse of jealousy), or possessive person in a relationship. We all have insecurities. Does not give the right to know every move someone makes. That is stalking. Good for crime novels. Not good for relationships.

    Let me also say that it does not matter how jealous (or not) that you are.....you cannot prevent someone from being unfaithful to you. You can be the least jealous person or the most overbearing. Either way, the fact of the matter is that it is THEIR decision. And does not have anything to do with you. There is no excuse for cheating.

    If someone hits on your bf/gf/spouse, it is THEIR responsibility to handle the situation with the respect that your relationship deserves. Only if the "pursuer" does not take no for an answer, is it your place to step in. Otherwise, you make yourself look like an idiot by overreacting.

    Also, trust is something that is earned. But you have to give someone credit where credit is due as well. If they have never given you a reason not to trust them.....TRUST them!! And I don't want to hear about "It's the other people I don't trust." Bull. You have to have faith in your S.O.'s committment to you. Again, it is THEIR decision to respect the relationship or not.

    For those people who have expressed **reasonable** issues that spark certain insecurities, your S.O. should be mindful of that. With the original poster's example, he expressed to his S.O. that her blatant flirting bothered him. SHe should have been respectful of that. It wasn't the guys' fault for buying drinks, dancing, etc. if she did not rebuff their advances. But it is easier for us to blame the "other man" or "other woman" rather than the person who is ultimately responsible.

    If another woman came up to YOU in a bar and hit on you....what would you say? How would YOU handle it? Would you appreciate your date flying off the handle when a polite "no thank you" was on its way out of your mouth?

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 08:35 AM   #6
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
    If another woman came up to YOU in a bar and hit on you....what would you say? How would YOU handle it? Would you appreciate your date flying off the handle when a polite "no thank you" was on its way out of your mouth?

    Most guys would allow the girl to talk to them...It don't matter if they are married, signle, or taken. Guys like it when another woman is interested.

    Girls are different when they go out with there friends they stick together. I have seen time when I man would go dance with one of the friends and the group pulls her away.

    There are some men (like me) that just go out once in a while and will play pool, darts, or watch the people. Some of us don't go there to pick a female up.

    Now, if we were there and she was out dancing with a guy in this case I would be abothered by it. And if a girl came up to talk to me I would take the "cant talk to you ticket."

    I can't see talking or flirting with someone when you are out with you special love. ITs just wrong in my book to flirt with someone else while you are trying to make a relationship into a long term relationship.

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 08:55 AM   #7
    newlywedgurl
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 814
    newlywedgurl HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Most guys would allow the girl to talk to them...It don't matter if they are married, signle, or taken. Guys like it when another woman is interested.

    Girls are different when they go out with there friends they stick together. I have seen time when I man would go dance with one of the friends and the group pulls her away.

    There are some men (like me) that just go out once in a while and will play pool, darts, or watch the people. Some of us don't go there to pick a female up.

    Now, if we were there and she was out dancing with a guy in this case I would be abothered by it. And if a girl came up to talk to me I would take the "cant talk to you ticket."

    I can't see talking or flirting with someone when you are out with you special love. ITs just wrong in my book to flirt with someone else while you are trying to make a relationship into a long term relationship.
    But eightball, you don't give your girl much credit. You mean that you go out to shoot pool and play darts by yourself but if your girl goes out alone, she is picking up guys? If you really think that, might need to find a new girl.......

    Also, you said rather than saying "no thankyou" that you would "allow the woman to talk to you." You added that men like to feel that other women are interested in them. Why is that different for women?! I love it when I get hit on....it's flattering. Does NOT mean I'm gonna go home with them!!!!! This double standard is so sad!!

    You are basically implying that women are incapable of handling themselves with dignity and therefore "need" men to be jealous and overbearing. Which is SOOOOO not true.

    OK...one more thing and I'll shut up. (Don't get frustrated with me eightball....this is just something that I know you struggle with, so let's see what we can do to ease your tension about stuff like this. ) You commented that you think it is wrong for people to flirt with others WHEN THEY ARE OUT WITH THEIR LOVE. But you seem to think it IS ok if that person is NOT there. Maybe this is where your insecurity comes from? I personally do not see anything wrong with brief, harmless flirting. We ALL do it. It strokes the ego and boosts confidence. Not to mention, it just makes you smile!!! My Dh gets hit on all the time....in front of me AND when I'm not there. And he should! He's hot! I just take it as a compliment. Unless the person crosses the line, makes him uncomfortable, or just won't take NO as an answer. Then I'll show my "Springer side." But not until.....

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 09:22 AM   #8
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
    But eightball, you don't give your girl much credit. You mean that you go out to shoot pool and play darts by yourself but if your girl goes out alone, she is picking up guys? If you really think that, might need to find a new girl.......

    Also, you said rather than saying "no thankyou" that you would "allow the woman to talk to you." You added that men like to feel that other women are interested in them. Why is that different for women?! I love it when I get hit on....it's flattering. Does NOT mean I'm gonna go home with them!!!!! This double standard is so sad!!

    You are basically implying that women are incapable of handling themselves with dignity and therefore "need" men to be jealous and overbearing. Which is SOOOOO not true.

    OK...one more thing and I'll shut up. (Don't get frustrated with me eightball....this is just something that I know you struggle with, so let's see what we can do to ease your tension about stuff like this. ) You commented that you think it is wrong for people to flirt with others WHEN THEY ARE OUT WITH THEIR LOVE. But you seem to think it IS ok if that person is NOT there. Maybe this is where your insecurity comes from? I personally do not see anything wrong with brief, harmless flirting. We ALL do it. It strokes the ego and boosts confidence. Not to mention, it just makes you smile!!! My Dh gets hit on all the time....in front of me AND when I'm not there. And he should! He's hot! I just take it as a compliment. Unless the person crosses the line, makes him uncomfortable, or just won't take NO as an answer. Then I'll show my "Springer side." But not until.....
    First of when she goes out I don't think she goes to hit on guys so I must have worded that wrong...lol And I don't want to find a new one she is a great keeper in my book

    Women in todays world can handle themselves just fine. Its the men that can make things a huge problem. I am just saying thats its ok to be jealous but there is a limit to how much is produced.

    Alot of this did get worded wrong. Its like the old saying "treat other the way you want to be treated". I am not saying that it is wrong to get hit on. It is very flattering but I get jealous if I see it done to my GF. This is just the type of person I have become and trying to get over it.

    Jealsouly can be hard to get over but as time comes one can get over it. I trust her when she goes out....I just feel down that somthing bad is going to happen. I let her go out and I would never keep her from not having fun.

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 09:24 AM   #9
    newlywedgurl
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 814
    newlywedgurl HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    First of when she goes out I don't think she goes to hit on guys so I must have worded that wrong...lol And I don't want to find a new one she is a great keeper in my book

    Women in todays world can handle themselves just fine. Its the men that can make things a huge problem. I am just saying thats its ok to be jealous but there is a limit to how much is produced.

    Alot of this did get worded wrong. Its like the old saying "treat other the way you want to be treated". I am not saying that it is wrong to get hit on. It is very flattering but I get jealous if I see it done to my GF. This is just the type of person I have become and trying to get over it.

    Jealsouly can be hard to get over but as time comes one can get over it. I trust her when she goes out....I just feel down that somthing bad is going to happen. I let her go out and I would never keep her from not having fun.

    I have TWO questions for you........
    WHY does it bother you? What are you afraid of??

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 09:29 AM   #10
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
    I have TWO questions for you........
    WHY does it bother you? What are you afraid of??

    lol

    Question 1: I don't know

    Question 2: I don't want someone this perfect to leave me I think... but I amtrying to figure the other stuff out

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 10:45 AM   #11
    newlywedgurl
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 814
    newlywedgurl HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    lol

    Question 1: I don't know

    Question 2: I don't want someone this perfect to leave me I think... but I amtrying to figure the other stuff out
    I honestly feel that you are doing more damage than good, though. Don't you think you might be increasing the chances of her leaving because you are being so jealous and overbearing....even withOUT the cheating aspect of this scenario. That would drive me nuts.

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 10:59 AM   #12
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
    I honestly feel that you are doing more damage than good, though. Don't you think you might be increasing the chances of her leaving because you are being so jealous and overbearing....even withOUT the cheating aspect of this scenario. That would drive me nuts.

    See it may drove you nuts but she knows this problem can be tried to work out. If you deeply love someone and respect them you just don't drop it all because it drive you nuts.

    Commitited couples try to work things out before they use the last resort and leave.

    I am jealous but I still let her go about her own way. This is a problem that I have to fight. She knows that I get bothered and at time will call to check if I am ok, but she will not sit around and not do anything because my actions.

    It kind of others her but not to the extent where she sees it a huge problem. To me it is a huge problem but I will work through and and she is by my side to help. I am lucky to have her

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 12:35 PM   #13
    sawbuck44
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jul 2003
    Location: Rochester, NY USA
    Posts: 966
    sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Ahh, reminds me of the scene in Footloose (the one with Kevin Bacon) where the guy's girl just could not sit still any longer. Dancing is intoxicating. Who are you talking to when your girlfriend is off dancing? What would she do if she saw you talking to a girl that was sitting down? Would you be able to use the 'don't be jealous' line on her? I have to say that when you have one in a relationship that loves to dance and the other doesn't and you are out at a dance club, helllloooo, she'll want to dance! It's fun and great exercise. I used to 'disco' (oh no, I'm dating myself) every night and had one dance partner that it's all I did with him. No big deal. Check the jealousy thing though. If you are sitting and talking to a strange girl while your girl is dancing with a strange guy, neither of you should get jealous. You have to feel confident in your relationship. Jealousy can break up a good thing. Oh, and get up on your feet and dance! (I know you said you did.) Dancing can be a sexy and bonding experience to strengthen a relationship.

    Last edited by sawbuck44; 03-22-2004 at 12:38 PM.

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 12:36 PM   #14
    newlywedgurl
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 814
    newlywedgurl HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    See it may drove you nuts but she knows this problem can be tried to work out. If you deeply love someone and respect them you just don't drop it all because it drive you nuts.

    Commitited couples try to work things out before they use the last resort and leave.

    I am jealous but I still let her go about her own way. This is a problem that I have to fight. She knows that I get bothered and at time will call to check if I am ok, but she will not sit around and not do anything because my actions.

    It kind of others her but not to the extent where she sees it a huge problem. To me it is a huge problem but I will work through and and she is by my side to help. I am lucky to have her
    I think you have her age on your side too. Now, you KNOW I am NOT one of these who says age dictates maturity level, ability to make decisions, etc. BUT she is much more likely to have more patience than someone who is in their late 20's or early 30's. I'm glad you and she can talk about this together though. Communication is key to any couple working through whatever trials they face. At least you two are a team and working on it as a team. That is definitely a good sign!

     
    Old 03-22-2004, 01:06 PM   #15
    eightball61
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Dec 2003
    Location: ma
    Posts: 9,600
    eightball61 HB User
    Re: Jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by newlywedgurl
    I think you have her age on your side too. Now, you KNOW I am NOT one of these who says age dictates maturity level, ability to make decisions, etc. BUT she is much more likely to have more patience than someone who is in their late 20's or early 30's. I'm glad you and she can talk about this together though. Communication is key to any couple working through whatever trials they face. At least you two are a team and working on it as a team. That is definitely a good sign!

    Well thank you for your warming thoughts

    I know age does play against a lot here but we try to see supass that. I know I have to face reality and this is one of the options why I believe age may play a lot here.


    once again thanks

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Overcoming jealousy of gf's past OTbass Relationship Health 12 12-31-2008 09:39 AM
    Jealousy...Selfishness...Depression??? Eve-E Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 27 03-17-2008 11:33 PM
    Jealousy rears its head!! Please please take a moment to advise dkennedy2007 Relationship Health 23 06-07-2007 03:11 PM
    Serious jealousy/trust issues... need help (long) Batboy08 Relationship Health 6 10-27-2006 08:05 AM
    Jealousy and my insecurities hurting my relationship Mike76 Relationship Health 6 05-26-2005 08:24 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:19 AM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!