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    Old 04-01-2004, 06:19 PM   #1
    commited
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    common pitfalls of living together?

    Does anyone know what some of them are? My boyfriend and I plan on moving in together and we want to make it work.What are some of the problems that commonly happen and what can we do to prevent them?

    Please reply,I know some of you can help us out.

    Thank You

     
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    Old 04-01-2004, 06:53 PM   #2
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by commited
    Does anyone know what some of them are? My boyfriend and I plan on moving in together and we want to make it work.What are some of the problems that commonly happen and what can we do to prevent them?

    Please reply,I know some of you can help us out.

    Thank You
    First of all, could you specify how old you and your boyfriend are? How long have you been dating? Are you engaged? Do you plan to eventually marry or is this just an "experiment"? This will all affect my answer. In general, though, as a woman who has lived with a man, without being married to him, for four years, I can't recommend it. If you are hoping to marry him, that is. If all you expect from living together is just living together, then I guess it's fine. But know that many men would live together instead of getting married in the first place, because living together is as far as they want the relationship to go. Then, if after years of living together, it becomes apparent that the relationship isn't going anywhere, it is SO much harder to break up. Living together is almost like being married without the protection and the status that the marriage provides. All I can say is if I had a daughter who was in her early 20s, I would not allow her to live together with just a boyfriend. It is way too emotionally devastating, should things not work out, and I would want to spare her the pain I had to go through. In my opinion, why play house with someone? If you're ready to live together, you are ready to get married, period. If you had doubts about marrying this person, you should not live together. A test drive is not necessary. That's just my opinion, though, and I'm sure other people will tell you otherwise. And, in case you're wondering, I'm not some religious grandmother. I'm 31 and completely secular. I hope this helps.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 04-01-2004 at 06:54 PM.

     
    Old 04-01-2004, 07:02 PM   #3
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    When my husband and I were just dating, we bought a house together. Probably not the smartest move, but it was cheaper than renting. Anyway, some of the things we ran into were money problems, his habits vs my habits, and cleaning duties.

    On the money problem thing, I would suggest you make out a budget for all your bills. You should be able to make out a fairly accurate one whether you'll be pooling your money together or keeping it separate. Just make sure you don't overlook anything, like the little bills. Also, don't forget to add in things like everyday expenses such as groceries, and you also need to consider the unexpected, like car repairs, little emergencies, broken TV, or whatever.

    As for the my habits vs his, when we first moved in together I found that he thought he could still act like he was single by staying out with his buddies until 5am. The first time he did this I was screaming mad. The second time he did it I threatened to move out. He never let me know where he was or what he was doing, and didn't think he should have to do this. After that second time and the fight that followed, he finally got it through his thick skull that he needed to respect me more, especially since I have a child that he loves like his own, and he finally got the picture. Now we are married and he has since adopted my daughter, and understands that he can't just go off somewhere and not let me know where he is. (No, I never suspected him of cheating.) I wasn't an angel to live with either. We both had alot to adjust to, I was just more responsible than he was at the time, having a 3 year old daughter.

    The other thing we had a problem with was household chores. He was used to living with his mom and having her do everything. Well, I wasn't going to stand for that. After the first few months of him never picking up after himself, never helping me out around the house, and making little comments about things that needed to be done, I put my foot down. After another fight (I did try talking to him about it first), he finally understood, and now I couldn't ask for a better helper. I'm 8 months pregnant and have been sick for the last month with a sinus infection. He has cleaned the house for me, picked things up, been on many errands for me, and not complained one time. Oh he still leaves things lying around, and sometimes doesn't do things the way I would, but you learn to not sweat the small stuff. He has become a wonderful husband, father, and provider, and has grown up so much since we moved in together. He was not the most responsible person when we met.

    As for preventing the problems before they happen, I don't think that's really possible. The best advice I can give you is to not sweat the small stuff, choose your battles wisely, and always keep a line of communication open. If there is something that he does that bothers you, let him know about it, but first try to talk it through without fighting. And let him know that if there's something you do that bothers him, you're always willing to sit down and talk about it. It's tough to live with someone for the first time and discover all their nasty little habits and all that, but with patience and alot of talking, almost anything can be worked through. Good luck and I wish the two of you well.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 04:10 AM   #4
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    I guess the Big Common pitfalls lies with the Female when she makes that move to live with her boyfriend with expectation that this will lead to marriage. What are your expectation from your boyfriend for moving in together? What is HIS expectations of Living with YOU? You have to ask yourself why have you decided to move in with each other before getting married.

    "most" females move in with their boyfriends in hopes that by being
    "suzy homemaker" or "June Cleaver" the guy will love the lifestyle and marry the girl. Time after time you hear woman complain the guy she has been living with Won't Marry Her after years living together. Know the expectation of each other.

    You didn't mention your current residence or if he has asked you to marry him and you two are going to live together while saving for a wedding?

    If you are working full time, are going to share your expenses?
    Make sure you have your own money and savings account.
    You can live with your boyfriend without losing your indentiy.

    If he is living on his own now, what does his current place look like?
    Does he pay his bills on time? Who will be responsible for the utiitilies?

    You may have adjustments in the beginning OR it may just click.
    It could happen in a a year after your settled.
    Everyone will tell you Communication is the Key.
    Accepting each other is another.
    Respect for each other.
    Accept the nasty habits if you are willing.
    The Big problems are easy to fix but it's always the little things that seem to get on each other's nerves.

    I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years.
    We dated for a year when we decided we were going to live together.
    WE bought House together. YIKES, big step for me, but I didn't have any expectation either.
    Because my father died when I was very young, My Boyfriend asked permission to live with me with intention of Marrying Me to my SON who was 10 at the time and My brother who is very close to me.

    Our moving in transition was Great, it seemed like it came easy to us, little disagreements here and there...Nothing major happened to us or our relationship untill our 3rd year together, don't know why.....It just did.
    BOTH OF US, we started to take advantage of each other. After an agruement we relalized we had choices and we chose to stay together and work on our taken each other for granted. It's worked.
    We are still very commited, and plan on getting married someday.
    I still love living with him, I am not an easy person to live with (my opinion) but he accepts me and my nutty, neat freak, clean freak ways!

    Good Luck!

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 04:18 AM   #5
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    For once I'm going to try and remain neutral (although I suspect I won't).

    So obviously there's all the bills stuff. Remember you aren't married and therefore not entitled to the same level of committment. I.E. when the bills come in, he doesn't really owe it to you (assuming he earns more) to judge your half on a pro-rata basis).

    Secondly, living with someone eats into the magic. Because when you are just dating and meeting up you are seeing the BEST of that person. When they are usually feeling and looking their best. Over the next year you will see him on the toilet (and refuse to use the bathroom after!), probably puke up, have colds, farting, picking his nose, looking scruffy and sloppy etc and him the same for you. It really takes the romance away.

    I've been married. I do think people need a trial run. A lot of women have got married thinking that married life will be like dating that person except you'll see a lot more of them. I personally think you don't know someone unless you've lived with them. And by then it could be too late. But i also think if he's still not making wedding arrangements or discussing it within two years....you're gonna have problems!

    Last edited by MadSkillzGal; 04-02-2004 at 04:21 AM.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 04:20 AM   #6
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    OOOH quick advice....DON'T try and be miss perfect housewife...you're setting yourself up for a life of drudgery. From day one, everything (including chores) must be split down the middle. Otherwise you'll end up with a lazy selfish Oaf you cant stand

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 09:17 AM   #7
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Sorry to make this short but I have never lived with a girl alone yet but the first thing I see that may go wrong is that our living habits will have to adapt as one. Another words like cleaning and arranging.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 09:31 AM   #8
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    OK....I have lived with two men. One I thought I wanted a future with and one I did not. The bills will be a BIG issue. Are you going to split things 50/50? Are you moving in with him? Him with you? Getting a new place together?? Is he responsible? Has he ever lived alone? Have you?? DO NOT MAKE ANY JOINT PURCHASES UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED!!!! If you do.....be prepared to be stuck with the bill!!

    Also know that MOST people who move in together BEFORE getting engaged rarely DO get engaged? Why not? There really is a different level of committment after marriage. Living with someone does have its plusses, BUT a guaranteed engagement/marriage is NOT one of them.

    Then you have the regular issues that you have when living with ANYONE. Male or female, romantic or otherwise. DO they pick up after themselves? Are they selfish? Will they share the remote? Will they leave you a note if they will be home late, etc. Just common courtesies that should be used when dealing with anyone.....

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 09:33 AM   #9
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by commited
    Does anyone know what some of them are? My boyfriend and I plan on moving in together and we want to make it work.What are some of the problems that commonly happen and what can we do to prevent them?

    Please reply,I know some of you can help us out.

    Thank You
    You don't indicate if you see this as a precursor to marriage. If so, it may be important to realize that living together is, statistically, a bad omen for successful marriages.

    One study that you may find interesting was done by Bennett, Blan, and Bloom (American Sociological Review, 1988, Vol 53: 127-138) entitled, "Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability." The point made by the authors is that, overall, the risk of divorce after living together is 80% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together.

    Other interesting research findings show:

    The popular belief that cohabitation is an effective strategy in a high-divorce society rests on the common-sense notion that getting to know one another before marrying should improve the quality and stability of marriage. However, in this instance, it is looking more and more as if common sense is a poor guide.

    Despite a widespread public faith in premarital cohabitation as a testing ground for marital incompatibility, research to date indicates that cohabitors' marriages are less satisfactory and more unstable than those of noncohabitors.
    .

    If this is not necessarily intended to be a trial balloon for marriage, then many others have offered practical advice on how to get along under the same roof.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 12:06 PM   #10
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Well... I'm going to be moving in with my boyfriend soon. I don't worry about marriage. Neither of us really want it either. Not that we're in it for the fun, or whatever. Marriage to us is nothing but a frivolous title(I don't meant hat as an offense to those who are married or who want it).

    and beside that point. I would much rather live with a guy BEFORE getting married anyway. Get to know the habits, the responsibilities.. everything. Instead of getting married and having it dumped on you, and there's no way out. Suddenly he leaves things places, dishes, clothes, he doesn't help clean. Thing you didn't even know show up out of nowhere. Best to learn about them first.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 12:25 PM   #11
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MuneTeika
    and beside that point. I would much rather live with a guy BEFORE getting married anyway. Get to know the habits, the responsibilities.. everything. Instead of getting married and having it dumped on you, and there's no way out. Suddenly he leaves things places, dishes, clothes, he doesn't help clean. Thing you didn't even know show up out of nowhere. Best to learn about them first.

    You have a good mind.


    Thats the way to do it. Learn about how you both live and adapt to it then thing about the long term commitment of marriage.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 12:26 PM   #12
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Everyone is different...
    it really depends on teh kind of relationship you and your boyfriend have?
    Is it a meet up, go on date, go seperate ways?
    do you spend every waking moment together?
    Do you hang out in groups?
    how long have you been dating?
    in a way none of that matters...
    because somtimes you just know it will work!
    I started dating a guy in October I went away 3 weeks after meeting him and was gone for one month but we kept in contact... the DAY I came back to where he lived we moved directly into the apartment he had rented the day before for us and my 2 dogs to live in!
    Some thought... wow this is crazy...
    BUT we were friends at the root of everything and it has worked out great! We later moved an hour out of the city, bought a house and are getting married in June.
    ... and when I think back there wasnt really anything to terrible that took adjustment time... EXCEPT he had lived with his mom before and she was their house keeper! She did all the dishes all the cooking and cleaning and would have washed her kids hair if they still let her i swear. So it was programed into him to believe I would be like this too! And frankly, I wasnt. So once the dishes got too much for the sink and we ended up doing them in the bath tub once .... he got the picture, we BOTH need to stay on top of this! I had also come from a wealthy famioly where we HAD a housekeep so it was a big adjustment for me too to have to actually be responsible for myself. BUt i think it was easier learning all of this stuff with someone rather then on my own!
    Theres the fight here and there but i think you learn pretty quick how to NOT push certain buttons! Its like .. you lived with your family right? it is possible to co-exist with other humans, you know that! and just like your famliy there will be giveing and taking needing to be done, and afternoons spent alone (make sure you have somewhere to go to get some YOU time!!)
    BUT all this is taken back IF you are still in highschool...
    then I cant say GO FOR IT because I have seen WAY too many times people loose friends, loose money, loose it all trying to move out while in school!
    IF you have a full time job then Give'r it costs A LOT Of money to live on your own you will be SOOOO shocked! In teh first 2 months we racked up 900 on the VISA and we were both working but you cant just move into an empty apartment!
    anyways, good luck with what ever you chose!
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    Old 04-02-2004, 01:47 PM   #13
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Thats the way to do it. Learn about how you both live and adapt to it then thing about the long term commitment of marriage.
    Just because the facts show that those that choose the route you suggest are far more likely to end up divorced, doesn't mean we shouldn't go ahead and believe we are the exception to the rule. Must keep in mind though, every one of those in those statistics thought they too were the exception to the rule.

    The bottom line is that, if living together for the sake of living together is what you want, go for it. However, it you think living together first will wind up in a better chance for successful marriage, the facts simply don't support this...not even close. It's okay to believe what one wants. Humans are uniquely adept at the art and craft of rationalization. The "not me" mindset is very strong.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 02:04 PM   #14
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Salinas1
    Just because the facts show that those that choose the route you suggest are far more likely to end up divorced, doesn't mean we shouldn't go ahead and believe we are the exception to the rule. Must keep in mind though, every one of those in those statistics thought they too were the exception to the rule.

    The bottom line is that, if living together for the sake of living together is what you want, go for it. However, it you think living together first will wind up in a better chance for successful marriage, the facts simply don't support this...not even close. It's okay to believe what one wants. Humans are uniquely adept at the art and craft of rationalization. The "not me" mindset is very strong.

    I am not the one for statistics. Each person thinks and acts differently. To me stats. is what the common person is like but I am my own person. To me I would rather live with the person first to learn a little about there living style.

    To me moving in fresh with a person after getting hitched to set-up for some disagreements.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 02:11 PM   #15
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    Re: common pitfalls of living together?

    Salinas1 - I'm sorry I am not going to live my life based on old text studies by old men. I rather live my life on my terms with trail and errors.

    I live with my boyfriend and as I posted I had no expectations where we were headed except buying a house. I made my choice. I went with my gut feeling that this was right and I had trust in him as well as a good investment. We also had a lawyer not only if something went wrong in our relationship but also if one of us died. Everyone, male or female should always have a plan, money saved for that rainy day, should something happen to the relationship or if god forbid a sudden death.

    Most of us know moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend has it's good points and it's pitfalls. I think the original post was smart enough to ask what are the pitfalls as well as the GOOD of living with someone. She is hearing first hand experince from people who have done it. Those who were smart and those....when things went wrong.

    But using what is in Text or where there has been Studies on is not going to stop anyone from choosing to live together.

    The focus should be Have no expectations or discuss what the future living arrangements will be, if marriage plans are in the future if that's what they want, have your own checking account, split the bills, split the house or apartment chores, will there be a dog or cat in the near future, what happens if the female becomes pregant. YES, discuss all of these things before moving in.


     
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