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  • How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

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    Old 04-02-2004, 08:19 PM   #1
    Bambi27
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    How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    I just don't get men sometimes.
    My boyfriend tells me for 5 months that he wants to be with me and work our relationship out WHEN he is in a good mood. When he is down or depressed or ****** off it's "I THINK I want to stick this out".
    After 5 months I deserve a yes or no to that question without all the "I thinks". I would figure he would know for sure if he wants to be here or not.
    I hate having my heart strung on the ground with a little string.
    I have 2 daughters to think of here as well.
    He doesn't believe it's a good idea to be in our lives.
    He is borderline bi polar. And his moods often go up and down.
    He just now tells me after 5 months that he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend of 8 years (been broke up for over 2 years) and he expects me to not be hurt.
    Or wonder where I our relationship stands as of now.
    I took it a little overboard I admit.
    I went on about it longer then I had planned.
    But I deserved to hear a yes or no answer to it. And he woudn't give me a straight answer.
    Of course he got mad and said it was all me and that it was my problem.
    Our whole relationship is my problem even though he doesn't have to pay a red cent to bills or food. I pay for it all.
    And gets mad when I ask him to help pick up on occasion.
    He says that me and the girls are better off w/o him cause he does not know if he can devote the time needed to be in a family.
    Well maybe that is the case.
    I do love the man. And we do live together. This is my first real serious relationship in over 4 years.
    I was with my x for 6 years and split up with him about 4 years ago.
    I don't know whether to just give up and end it now before I get too hurt, or try and work it out for the best?
    Another thing. Does anyone have a hard time letting things go sometimes?
    Like if you are fighting, do you find it hard to just stop fighting. Cause you don't feel like you are being understood or whatever?
    And how do you learn to let go of things.
    I have always been a person to talk things out till things are settled and done.
    And my bf is not like that at all.
    He gets mad if I talk more then he likes (usually more then about 15 minutes).
    I guess I just want some idea on how to let things go and let him go deal with it w/o pushing him to discuss things with me when he doesnt want to.
    I don't really like going on for an hour or so when I have made my point. But sometimes it just doesnt seem like he gets it. Or he doesn't act like he cares if this relationship works out.
    So how does a person know when to just say ok you know what. This just isn't working and end it. And how does one let things go when you KNOW you should just drop it.
    Any replies would be great.

    Last edited by Bambi27; 04-02-2004 at 08:30 PM.

     
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    Old 04-02-2004, 10:03 PM   #2
    desertdweller
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Can you clarify how long you've been together? Has it been 5 months? I hope you aren't moved in and hating him in 5 months! Talk about a relationship on the speed-cycle!
    Also, my daughter is bipolar. I've never heard of anyone being borderline bipolar. The some of the things you describe him doing sound bipolar. Bipolar people can be extremely difficult to live with. If he truely is bipolar, he needs to be on meds.

     
    Old 04-02-2004, 10:07 PM   #3
    Bambi27
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Yup we have been together for 5 months total.
    Ya a bit fast, but what can I say. I knew he was the one.
    Well at least I thought he was.
    He gets to the point where he wont get out of bed if he is down or depressed. He will be in a good mood one second and down the next.
    Gets irritable easily.
    He is on meds for depression. They said he doesn't have Bi polar.
    Not really sure about that one.
    His meds seem to work well for the most part.
    Except for when I bring up something I'm upset about.
    He gets ****** and defensive thinks I'm putting him down. Which in no way am I.
    Just simply stating what is bothering me.
    But this whole up down up down..I do want to be with you I dont want to be with you I think I want to be with you stuff has to stop.
    Don't you think that if you are with someone for 5 months you would know if you wanted to stay in that relationship and if you didnt, you would just end it?
    I know I would.

     
    Old 04-03-2004, 06:17 AM   #4
    Salinas1
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    You live with a man, whom you've only known for 5 months, that is on meds for depression, that admittedly is not certain he even wants to commit to you. Do your daughters live with your ex or with you and this man?

    Last edited by Salinas1; 04-03-2004 at 07:24 AM.

     
    Old 04-03-2004, 08:04 AM   #5
    joeyrose
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    It is a big commitment to take on raising someone else's children, and he has to know for sure whether he wants to do that, so he is taking the time he needs to come to the conclusion. Everyone "knows" how they feel in different time, and he is not capable of coming to this decision any sooner. When you try to force him to decide, just because YOU know you want to be with him, he gets upset because he can't join you there. I went throught the same thing when I met "the one." He wasn't depressed and we didn't fight (we also didn't live together). For about five months, sometimes he would be so loving toward me and say that he felt what I felt, etc., and then sometimes he'd go to work on Monday and practically forget me. He would be distant for several days when we would communicate and then it would take us a while, together in person, to get back to where I felt we'd already gotten before. It was driving me crazy. I was ready to bail out. We set up a trip to Ireland and it was known between us that we would come back totally apart or totally together. Well, he completely crossed the bridge somehow and has been positive about me and us ever since. We are now EXTREMELY happily married and expecting our first (planned) child. So, he needs to decide about the future with you in HIS time, but if you feel abused or taken advatage of, set a time limit for yourself. And stick to it. Good luck.

    Last edited by joeyrose; 04-03-2004 at 08:04 AM.

     
    Old 04-03-2004, 09:14 AM   #6
    Salinas1
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by joeyrose
    So, he needs to decide about the future with you in HIS time, but if you feel abused or taken advatage of, set a time limit for yourself. And stick to it. Good luck.
    I agree with joeyrose on this point. However, this prcocess of deciding should not be done while living with her children. The longer he is there the more they will come to see him as family and a father figure. If he chooses not to commit to her, the children will be the losers as much as she and you don't do this to children.

    Of course, if the children are not living with them, the above does not apply.

     
    Old 04-03-2004, 09:26 AM   #7
    zeft
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    I do not know the whole story obviously but from your post it is quite clear to me that he is not not telling you; he is telling you; he is telling you that he does not want to commit to you. You have several paraphrases from him that makes it quite clear. I am not sure for what yes or no you are looking for. He obviously wants to have a relationship with you but does not want to commit to you. The real question is whether you want that or not. You say that you like to talk things out and perhaps you are even a great conversationalist. You might even get him to say what you like but that is not going to change a thing about where his heart is.

    It is possible that if you accept the current relationship for a longer period then he changes his mind and decides to commit. And it appears that you know this. The question is whether you are willing to. Or alternatively you could break it off unless he commits. In any case in my opinion you will not help yourself or the situation by trying to force your wishes on reality in a negative way.

    Sorry for being presumptious but your post is all I have to go on. Best wishes.

     
    Old 04-03-2004, 10:03 AM   #8
    desertdweller
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    It sounds like he is dealing with two issues here. One, things have gone fast for you two. He hasn't had time to digest were and what he wants yet. I know personally, I have been with my BF over 6 months, and I'm not sure I want to commit to him yet.
    Two, the depression. It's not easy to diagnose, but the way you describe him sounds bipolar.If he is bipolar, antidepressants won't help, infact they can make it worse. There is plenty of info on the web about bipolar. It can be quite hard to deal with a bipolar person, one minute they love you to death, the other minute they don't want to look at you. It makes everyone walk on eggshells around them.
    For the most part, I think you two are suffering from taking things too quickly. Maybe you two can back up a bit and start over?

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 06:27 AM   #9
    eightball61
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    This will have to be a huge commitment on your end. First off I think 5 months is to soon to be living with him but if you love him to death then you wouldn't let nothing come in the way.

    Even though he has depression it is nice to him to have someone by his side so he can talk to and hold when feeling down. You may be a goos source and change to this guys life.

    Do plan to stay with forever? If you say YES, then you would be stupid to let this go. Depression to me is flaw. No one is perfect we all have flaws. Stay with him if you love is that true.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 07:38 AM   #10
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Sometimes love can't be the defining reason that we stay with someone.

    If you are going to live with/marry someone with Bipolar Disorder you need:
    To have thick skin or develop thick skin
    or
    Have skin made of Teflon
    also,
    You can't be the type of person who has their life revolve around their Significant Other. If you do this with someone who is Bipolar it will probably be damaging to your own health because of the stress. You would need to have interests and friends outside the relationship.

    Think long and hard - and consider your children's best interest.

    You can accept him the way he is the rest of your life (he may get worse, but will only get better if he accepts being Bipolar) or you can love him - but make the choice not to be with him.

    Think about it before any of you get any more attached...

    Last edited by Ruth6:11; 04-04-2004 at 07:40 AM.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 08:18 AM   #11
    Salinas1
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Still waiting to hear if you have a man you barely know, who is medicated for mental challenges, is living in the same household with your two daughters. This single circumstance makes a huge difference in the validity of any opinions or suggestions you may get.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 08:47 AM   #12
    SophiaM
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    "Our whole relationship is my problem even though he doesn't have to pay a red cent to bills or food. I pay for it all.
    And gets mad when I ask him to help pick up on occasion.
    He says that me and the girls are better off w/o him cause he does not know if he can devote the time needed to be in a family."

    Hellooo, hasn't anybody noticed this significant part of the original post?? This emotionally twisted man you've known for a relatively short periof of time is living with you and your daughters WITHOUT having to pay rent, bills, or food expenses?!! I'm sorry but what kind of a man would try to live off a single mother with two children, AND to express such ambivalence whether he wants to commit to her or not, and whether he wants to be in a family. This is HUGE to me. Does he have a job? Why on earth are you allowing him to take advantage of you? He's living in YOUR house, eating YOUR food, watching the tv YOU pay for, and he has the nerve to tell you he doesn't know what he wants and it's all your fault? To top it all off, he won't even pick up after himself. How much lower can you get in your expectations from a man? Seems like this guy is 100% a burden and nothing else. How does he contribute to your or your children's well-being? Of course, you know it was completely WRONG to allow him to live with you and your girls after such a short period of time, and without any commitment on his part. It's not fair to "play house" when you have kids to think of, and they should be more important than some wishy-washy guy who can't be enough of a man to pay his bills. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I have no tolerance for such behavior as your boyfriend's. You really have some big decisions to make and soon. I hope you make a smart one, for the sake of you and your girls.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 04-04-2004 at 08:50 AM.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 09:23 AM   #13
    desertdweller
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Yeah, I didn't like that part of her post either. It sounds like she has quickly settled into the enabling part of a codependent relationship. I would be curious as to what the GF of 8 years has to say about his man. It could shed a lot of light on the situation.

    One point I want to make, if this guy truly is bipolar, then he is mentally ill. Like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder is also considered a mental illness . Bipolar can sometimes be severe enough to incapacitate a person into disabled state. Depression I would consider more of a condition, totally different.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 10:09 AM   #14
    Salinas1
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by desertdweller
    Yeah, I didn't like that part of her post either. It sounds like she has quickly settled into the enabling part of a codependent relationship. I would be curious as to what the GF of 8 years has to say about his man. It could shed a lot of light on the situation.
    With all due respect, could there possibly be any additional information or perspective that could in any way change the reality that we know already? That you should not have a man, whom you barely know, who is clearly not committed, who provides no support, who is on medications for mental imbalance....living in the same household as your two children. Let the cycle never end. This is how the innocence of children turns into the dysfunction of adulthood. This is how we train our children into seeing what adult commitment is. What a young girl can expect form a man when she gets older. This is the cycle. How can there possibly be any suggestion that this is anywhere near a path to a loving, supportive, healthful relationship and a shining example of parental commitment and emotional protection for a child. This is not about the needs of a women, it is about the rights of children to grow up in a loving and secure environment and it is the responsibility of the adult to do all they can to make that happen.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 12:44 PM   #15
    promisez
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    Re: How does a person know when it's over and just not bother trying?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bambi27
    I just don't get men sometimes.
    Don't blame all men just because you picked one that leeches everything for free and you allow it to happen. The sad part is the kids are watching this daily and learning from it. You call this a relationship but a relationship is two people helping each other, not one supporting the other so they don't have to ever do anything. I'll bet it didn't take long to learn to use the remote! This is all about your boundries and where you set them. You've allowed him free access to everything you have, physical and emotional without any expectations until now. Any man in his right mind would worship the ground you walked on, simply by being allowed to be a father figure, yet he wants no part of that either. You can either continue to be used by him or loved by someone else, it's your choice. Lets not blame any medical conditions here, he's made his thoughts perfectly clear. You and the children deserve beter, MUCH better.

     
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