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  • I think I want to break up...

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    Old 04-04-2004, 06:35 PM   #1
    Greenoctopus18
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    I think I want to break up...

    I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year and 10 months.
    For the past 5 or so months I have been realising I am not that happy being in a relationship.

    I am 20 and he is 22.

    When we first met and started dating I knew that I liked him when I realised I was no longer noticing other guys.
    In other relationships I had before I would usually wish I were single so I could have a chance with other guys I met.
    I hadn't wished that until recently with this boyfriend.
    In the past few weeks I have met several guys and felt an interest in them. It is probaby one-sided and I never intend to act on these feelings, but I don't think I would have those thoughts for other guys if I were still in love with my boyfriend.
    This is my last year of university.. and I kind of would like to meet more people, before I am old..

    My problem is, he really likes me. It is kind of depressing. I very almost broke up with him (or I practically did) in January/Febraury, but then he started getting depression and telling me how horrible his life was and implied it was my fault for causing him so much stress by suggesting I don't want to stay with him.

    We have been having fights for about 5 months. I didn't want to see him over the Summer holidays, so I didn't.. for almost 4 months.

    While I was home (at my parents) he started drinking excessively and smoking again (2 things he stopped - for me). He hasn't stopped again yet and I have been back for about 6 weeks now. I know he can do these things if he likes, but they are things I don't agree with, and I don't think I should have to put up with if that is not the kind of person I am looking for.

    When he gets drunk he interferes with everything. If he goes out and sees a guy or anyone he knows I know from class or somewhere he makes a point to tell them that he is my boyfriend. If I am talking to someone and he is there he touches me to make it obvious that I am not available. I didn't used to mind, as I didn't mind being his girlfriend, but now when he does it it really annoys and embarrasses me.
    He was very angry when he dropped me off at my place and I saw a guy that is friends with my roommate and waved. He think I didn't have a right to wave at a guy, especially when I was in his car at the time. I didn't even think about it. It just makes me mad.

    I don't know how to break up. I have been ignoring his phone calls all weekend and he has been leaving angry messages about how rude and unappreciative I am, which I guess is true.. but I do have my reasons.

    I know that when I tell him he will be very upset and angry. I just don't know what I should do then. Ignore him or try to give comfort? I am not sure.
    Can someone please give me your opinion.
    Thanks

     
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    Old 04-04-2004, 07:28 PM   #2
    Hoop
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Sounds to me like you are not ready for any relationships at your young age. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live life, but it seems you are going around committing to relationships until they just don't suit you anymore. This relationship is done for. You are trying to put a bandage on a blown artery to justify your actions. You will not stop the bleeding. This relationship is dead. You need to just end it and send the flowers.

    On your next relationship, you might try leaving the commitment open and coming to mutual understanding of having the option to date other people while in the relationship until you are ready for a serious one to one.

    You say this is your last year at the university at 20? Will you turn 21 by graduation time? Is this a two year college? Are you graduating early from a 4 year university or are you just calling it quits to find a new boyfriend and enjoy life?

    Last edited by Hoop; 04-04-2004 at 07:30 PM.

     
    Old 04-04-2004, 08:15 PM   #3
    moe2121
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    dont play the whole "distancing yourself" game. just tell him straight up what is going on. in my opinion, there is nothing worse than people playing games instead of talking about stuff. just remember people have feelings. do what you feel is right in your heart-if you feel like saying cya to him and thats it fine, but if you feel the need to comfort him or whatever than do that.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 01:26 AM   #4
    Greenoctopus18
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Hey. Thanks.
    My boyfriend will be here in about 10 minutes so I will see what happens then.

    We just seem to fight a lot.. or really it is me fighting with him over everything. Everything seems to annoy me. I just want to be single and have some fun.

    I know it is worse not telling him, but I have only not for his sake.. and I know it is wrong because it will ultimately be worse. I just keep putting it off. I don't want to hurt his feelings. It is hard for me too.



    I will turn 21 a few months before graduation. My bachelors degree was only 3 years (I am in Australia), but I will probably be staying around another year for some postgrad. work.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 04:10 AM   #5
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Greenoctopus18 - Hello there, what you have or what you had is
    Puppy Love and your boyfriend has now turned into a dirty dog and barking at you...Meaning, from your post...He is or has been a control freak and maybe because...when you were in love with him you found it cute the little signs he showed you of his affection. No harm done, well....Now, you want to break off with him which is natural...your young, still in college, you want to date and you can. Your relationship has run it's course, you have grown out of it and this does happen.

    So, you "just" need to tell your boyfriend, you had fun, but you want to move on with your life because it's headed in a different direction then his, you can tell him Your Sorry if you want, your intentions are not to Hurt him but to be honest with him, and yourself. GoodBYE....

    Good luck and Be Careful......

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 05:22 AM   #6
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    I told him and now I feel so bad. He was so upset. He even cried.. a lot.

    But then, I feel strangely relieved... until I think of what he is going through.

    He will be ok, won't he?

    Almost 2 years is a fair while, really.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 07:19 AM   #7
    GirlHarley
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
    I told him and now I feel so bad. He was so upset. He even cried.. a lot.

    But then, I feel strangely relieved... until I think of what he is going through.

    He will be ok, won't he?

    Almost 2 years is a fair while, really.
    He will be fine....I'm sure he will be hurt as anyone who gets broken up in a relationship does. But, you can at least tell him you want to move on in your life, be single, and not be tied down to anyone. You were honest with him and that is all you can offer him, if he doesn't like it or doesn't respect your feelings....SO be it. (my niece is going thru the same thing and is the same age as you...and her boyfriend is the same age as yours)....

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 08:36 AM   #8
    eightball61
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Just don't let his tears soak you back in. He may be hurt but we all get hurt is someone we love leaves us. He has alot of problems to solve before he get back into any relationship. You have smarten up and realize you don't need drinkin or dugs in your life the problem is he chose to go the other route with hanging and playing with friends.

    For now maybe you need some time to yourself so you can figure on maybe what you want. If he cleans up and you still have love for him then maybe there may be a future. And if not then oh well/.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 07:03 PM   #9
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    I hope I don't give in to him, because I know that this is the best thing for me. I know that I don't want to be with him.

    I still want to be best friends though. Is that a bad idea?

    I said I would see him today and talk about things more and he has warned me that he is going to try and make me take him back. He is cleaning up his house before I can go there, etc, trying to impress.
    He keeps asking if there is any chance of us getting back together. Is feels so cruel to say 'no' straight out... but then it is still cruel by saying something like 'i'm not sure at the moment' because then he keeps up hope..

    I can see myself going back to him... just for his sake, and I don't like it.

     
    Old 04-05-2004, 07:39 PM   #10
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
    I hope I don't give in to him, because I know that this is the best thing for me. I know that I don't want to be with him.

    I still want to be best friends though. Is that a bad idea?

    I said I would see him today and talk about things more and he has warned me that he is going to try and make me take him back. He is cleaning up his house before I can go there, etc, trying to impress.
    He keeps asking if there is any chance of us getting back together. Is feels so cruel to say 'no' straight out... but then it is still cruel by saying something like 'i'm not sure at the moment' because then he keeps up hope..

    I can see myself going back to him... just for his sake, and I don't like it.
    Then Don't go to his place. Why put yourself in that position? Tell him you need time away. Period. You thing it sounds cruel? Why? Because you choose to be single and no longer in a relationship. You are being fair to yourself and to your boyfriend. What you won't be... if you go back to him when you don't want to... is not fair to yourself and then where does that put you? You will be miserable and your boyfriend would deserve someone who is interested in him.

     
    Old 04-06-2004, 05:20 AM   #11
    promisez
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    On top of that if you do go back with him from that point on he will know everything you say no to means maybe or yes, never no.

     
    Old 04-06-2004, 06:59 AM   #12
    eightball61
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Well in this case I would just maybe give him a little talk and give some time to yourself so you can gather your thoughts and figure yourself out. Don't go back to him if you fell that you need to go, that is the worse thing you can do.

    Just figure what you want in life.

     
    Old 04-06-2004, 11:28 PM   #13
    Legally_Brunette19
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Hi there!!! Well I know exactly how you feel, around a month ago things ended with my boyfriend and we had been dating for like 4 years, and I like you also feel sooo guilty about hurting him, but when I see through the guilt I can see that he is kinda manipulating me into feeling bad so that I will get back with him. I think right now what you need is a little space and time for your own. I know that's what I needed, and this month has only made me see that my decision is probably for the best, so maybe you need a little time for yourself to realize how you truely feel, and if he's always asking you to come back and after you, you will never be able to make your decision clearheaded and without his interference, I noticed that this was happening with my ex, and even though I wanted to try the friends thing, maybe it's asking to much of them for the moment, and they take your still talking and going out with them as if you're not serious about breaking up, so if what you decide you want is to remain single (and u are totally in your right to decide that) maybe sometime apart is for the best.

     
    Old 04-07-2004, 05:14 AM   #14
    SnowyLynne63
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    If your b/f starts controling you,that's a red flag warning.It get worse as time goes on........

     
    Old 04-07-2004, 05:46 AM   #15
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    Re: I think I want to break up...

    Quote:
    I just want to be single and have some fun.
    Hmmm. Famous last words. I'm going to play devil's advocate because at 29 yrs I'm seeing the end result of your mentality.

    First off, use protection. And I don't mean just the pill. Second, If you want to be the party girl get ready for guys to treat you like one.

    My parents were your age when they got married, as were alot of people in their generation. But now everybody(not just girls) wants to party all through their 20s. Go to bars, clubs, meet lots of people, all that kind of stuff.

    So now what you see is alot of women in their late 20s/early 30s with a couple kids, a low paying job and nobody to help take care of them. Most guys avoid them because they don't want to raise someone else's kids, think these girls are sluts(hyprocritical but that really is how we think) and don't want to deal with the kids "bad boy" father(s). And it's shallow but having kids tends to take a toll in the looks department for alot of women.

    I think breaking up with this guy is probably the right decision for you. I'm just warning you that the grass is always greener on the other side. What's out there and what you can do without him holding you back might not be as good as you think it is. Just be careful when you're out there partying and don't fall into the same trap as alot of women my age have.

     
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