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Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

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Old 04-25-2004, 02:13 PM   #1
green m&m
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 6
green m&m HB User
Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

I was engaged last year to be married. We broke up for four months because we just argued and had conflict throughout our relationship. It was pursuant to a lot of issues we have had.

Undeniabily, there was true love there. I really do love this man. He has health issues. He's type II diabetic and smokes cigarettes. He never truly exercised (I'm a exercise fanatic.) and I kept expressing to him that it wasn't about his weight, but his overall moods would be improved tremondously from exercise. HE IS moody. So am I, but not like him. He angers easily (he would never hit me or my daughter), but it dissappates also easily.

I push him so much because my ex-husband had a heart attack. My ex-boyfriend died of an heart attack. My friend's husband died of an heart attack. I mean these are men all in their 30's only.

So during the four months, we were both pretty depressed when we broke up. He did start an exericse program, but quit when I started seeing him again. So hence the moodiness again, so forth.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great and wonderful man. He's educated, handy around the house, professional, creative and a good provider. Very opposite than my ex-husband. He's GREAT with my 5 year old too.

He went out on a date with me while he was dating another girl. He broke up with that girl after our first date. However, I had asked him whether he had a girlfriend and he said NO. I'm really like his only 3rd real girlfriend and he says he did that because I am his true love. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway~when I speak of a long term committment now. He says he's not ready right now because he's scared of the being severely depressed if something will go wrong. We are not in the day to day like we use to be, but see each other on the weekend.

At this point- I don't know if I should continue. He use to be at my beck-n-call, but isn't anymore. I don't like feeling insecure. I'm use to feeling secured with him.

What are your thoughts about this? Should I weigh it out?

Green M&M

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Old 04-26-2004, 07:54 AM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,600
eightball61 HB User
Re: Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

You both are totally 2 different people. You seems to be the all Amercian male. He lacks of excersise, love food, and just no doing much around the house. You on the other hand keep yourself busy by staying in shape and keeping yourself healthy.

I know this isn't the real reason why you were with him, so I am going to say that you both did have a great connection and there was alot of love. I am sure the feelings are still there but he he just doesn't want to go throught that pain again of losing you.

I am not going to tell you that you should stay or leave him but you need to go where your heart is bring you. His fear will eventually leave and this may be a while. He need reassurence that you are always going to be there for him when needed and not just get up and leave. That is partly to why he stated he is not ready at this time.

Old 04-26-2004, 08:12 AM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 814
newlywedgurl HB User
Re: Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

Sounds like there are an awful lot of issues. I understand your desire for him to make lifestyle changes, etc. but you also have to accept that you can't demand for him to do these things or make your willingness to be with him contingent on him changing...if you plan on having a serious committment with this man, especially a marriage, you have to ask yourself if you want him "as is" or "only if he'd ______." If the answer is the latter, you should probably re-think your reconciliation. There are a million ways we could "improve" on people--ANYone, not just the men/women that we are romantically linked to. But a healthy love and a healthy relationship is more about loving a person's stong points and accepting their weak points. Not about a life-long seminar of self-improvement that you impose on another human being. If he wanted to change his lifestyle, wouldn't he do it? And even if he makes the changes that you are pushing for.....he'll only be doing that to try to please you. What happens if it then turns into something else? He's going to the gym 3X a week, but now you want him to X,Y,Z.

I don't doubt that you love each other, but are you willing and able to accept him as he is?? Just because two people love each other doesn't mean that they are compatable or are healthy together......

Old 04-26-2004, 08:20 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,580
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

hey there, if you made it this far in four months without him...Your doing pretty well.

Well, type II diabetic and smoking DOES not Mix, neither does being overweight and no excerise....You know it and I know it but does he know it and does he care? I am a smoker so I'm not here preaching at you. I used to be good friends with a guy who was a Diabetic from the age of 10, it was hard for him too because he wanted to be like everyone else...He did drugs, smoked, drank, didn't take care of himself...also Had the Mood swings...
His wife DID leave him because she couldn't stand the fact that HE would not take care of himself, she tried so hard but he would Snap at her...She could not longer "TAKE CARE OF HIM" and the thought of him dying was too much for her to bear. Whatta you know,,,,she leaves him...and He works out regularly, quick drugs, drinking, smoking, is SO active with Over 40 basketball leagues, Volleyball, he keeps himself SO busy,....I used to go out dancing with him and could not keep up with him, girls love him, he is so awesome.

He is on good terms with his ex-wife but no longer wants to be with her?
I guess in his eyes..She hurt him buy leaving him and not standing by him..
But, he refused to help himself while married to her? I still don't understand while he didn't helpe himself while he was with her..maybe because she was his crutch to take care of him and now he has no choice but to take care of himself? I don't know where I'm going with this or if this will help you.

He's got to help himself, he's got to quick smoking and excerise in order to get himself out of the depression...He can do it but He's got to be willing to do it..It's your choice on how to approach him and tell him this and also your choice on what you want to do....

Good Luck.

Old 04-26-2004, 02:39 PM   #5
green m&m
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 6
green m&m HB User
Re: Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Funny, how you get different responses from different genders. That's exactly what I wanted. You all had different takes on it. Both of you girls are right. I have to love him and not pressure him about it. But, I'm just so freaked out that he will have a heart attack. Been there, done that.

You see, I also use to be overweight and smoke cigarettes. I know how hard it is to start an exercise program and I know how hard it is to easily just to give it up. I also know how hard it is to quit smoking. Extremely hard. But, the doctors are telling him to! or he's going to have a heart attack. That is my fear out of everything.

The four months of our breakup was the hardest for me and my daughter. Harder than my divorce! I missed him so so much that I could barely function. I just kept thinking about how I messed up my daughter's life of having a happy family. All of the would have, could have, etc. Not only that, the man has every quality I ever wanted in a man except for his health problems. I manifested him, but left out the health problems!

That is what I thought I would do also,maybe wait a little bit more then see if it will change. I and everyone else knows how much he really loves me, however, I just hate feeling insecure.

Isn't that weird? Its like a flip of a coin for your friend. I always felt bad also telling my fiancee about exercising. It was as if I was doing the Jerry Springer show about how unhappy I am with my "husband/boyfriend" show. Its a shame though.. I would never leave him if that was the case and I had kids. I would be totally unhappy though. It would bug after awhile. Normally, a heart attack would follow if type II diabetic didn't change.

Thanks again!
Green M&M

Old 04-26-2004, 02:57 PM   #6
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ma
Posts: 9,600
eightball61 HB User
Re: Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

I sense that he does love you but he is is looking around at this time to see who maybe able to replace you. Don't take it to heart because you both still talk and he didn't last with the other one.

He is trying to find himself, so give him the space but the love at the same time and he should be back.

Old 04-26-2004, 05:38 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,530
SophiaM HB User
Re: Stay or Go with ex-fiancee

You "manifested him"?? Interesting, interesting... How do you manifest a man? I need to manifest one and fast. I am getting really bored without one.

Back to your post, have you tried talking him into joining you for long walks or jogging together? Exercising together could be more fun and he might be more interested in it. Or the two of you could start going hiking, salsa dancing, take up tennis, or, if I may so suggest, turn up the heat on your love life (best exercise, I've heard). I don't know about the smoking part though, as I've never been a smoker. Bottom line is, he has to want to make these changes. If he's not willing to, you only have two options: accept him as he is, the risk of dropping dead from a heart attack included, or to find someone who has a more healthy lifestyle. I know you're worried about his health, but he's an adult and has a right to live unhealthy if he so chooses. Some people would rather die younger than change their habits, seriously. I think if you nag him about it, he might start resenting you for it.

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