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Desperately Needing Marriage Advice

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Old 05-30-2004, 11:55 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 4
JoeSomebody HB User
Arrow Desperately Needing Marriage Advice

I'm in the military and in my 3 1/2 years... I've been away for almost 2 years. Before shipping out I started dating a woman I knew from a couple years before. Anyway... we hit it off. Everything was so perfect that I thought I was in heaven. I even went as far as to call her from the deployment station (just before leaving for bootcamp) to ask her if she really wanted me to stay, that I would gladly throw my dream of becoming a Marine away for her. She told me to go, so I did.

I went to bootcamp and received DOZENS (something like 36) of letters from her. She kept me going the whole time. We knew we loved each other and started telling each other that before I left. Near the end of my 3 month bootcamp I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with her.

After I got out of there and got to my first duty station we fought to see each other as much as possible (having her fly out a half dozen times). It still was so perfect. So, I took her on a trip and asked her to marry me. We both were so incredibly happy. Anyway, we ended up getting married and moved in together in an apartment. Everything went smooth until I had to leave for a very long deployment.

I tried to call every chance I could and we wrote each other e-mails and letters everyday. I ended up going to war, and just about every other country in the middle east and Europe... and finally got to go home. This is where my troubles started.

I got back and everything seemed great... everything was still the way they had been. My only problem at the time was my job which I was having a TON of problems with that I tried so desperately not to bring home. She also picked up a job that she wasn't too excited about but the problems never came home. But, things did start to slip a little. I started closing myself off to her, getting involved in an online game and spending almost every waking moment on there (I even had 2 weeks off and spent noon to night on it). More times than I can remember I would get off at 1 or 2am and she would be asleep on the floor or couch and I'd end up bringing her to bed (which put a dampner on our love life a bit... we both would be too tired to do anything but sleep).

Anyway... things were a little bumpy, and again I had to leave for a few months. Now, here I am... just about to go back home and I've spent 5 months out here and gotten maybe 6 letters/cards from her, and talk for 5-15 minutes on the phone at a time (as opposed to an hour or more the last deployment). It seems like to me, that she doesn't have that flair that she had with me before. Everyday I kill myself thinking that it's all my fault... that all that time I closed off from her I should have spent WITH her. I feel aweful the moment I get up until I go to sleep... always thinking that I screwed up and it's all my fault.

We've spoken many times about all of this and she said we will work on it (she really wants to), but says it needs to be done when I get home. Makes sense I suppose but what I can I do now in the next couple weeks before I get home? Am I worrying for nothing... in that when I get home and see her, hold her, and kiss her all the feelings will come back? Do I really need to worry about losing her to someone else even though I trust her more than I trust myself, and she's said countless times that she's only mine?

Please... someone... help. I've fought with this problem for 4 months now... and now I'm running out of steam. I don't know what to say or do that will make all of this better. Any suggestions? Apologies for the length of this post... but I wanted to be sure the situation is understood (without going into too many details).

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Old 05-30-2004, 12:48 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 123
Gatormom HB User
Re: Desperately Needing Marriage Advice

Dear Joe, FIRST of all, God Bless You for serving all of us!! I'm a military wife of many years... and I know first hand that it is not always an easy way of life. Marriages suffer and strain, and people deal with problems large and small from a distance... not an easy thing. Then when you are not far away, the jobs tend to be crazy and demanding, and lots of young wives can't accept the dedication required of a military person.
You sound like such a reasonable and mature person, and you and your wife both sound motivated for this relationship to work. My advice would be to try and "go with the flow" for a time... get home, get in some sort of routine, and try not to worry. Communication is KEY! Talk talk talk, discuss, listen like you never listened before. Share what you've been feeling, ask what she's been feeling, go together to a chaplain!! Talk some more. Take walks and listen, listen, listen. Hold hands, look right into her eyes and tell her you want to still be holding hands in 30 years. Don't fall into the old escape route of playing computer games at all hours. That doesn't build your relationship. Find things to do together that you can both enjoy. Trust her, trust your instincts, trust in having a future together. Make this marriage your top priority. Don't put buddies, online games, TV or a hobby that takes you away from home ahead of her. Nurture whatever makes you both laugh together. Tell her again that you want to grow old together. I hope you have her next to you always. Make sure you are doing your ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.... cause you know marriage isn't 50-50, it's 100-100% !
Write again and let me know how you both are doing. I love being married (34 years) and I love seeing marriages endure. When it all works well it's the best thing in the world. It's worth every effort. God bless.

Old 05-30-2004, 01:39 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,335
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Desperately Needing Marriage Advice

I would also like to add a Great Big THANK YOU for your service to our country.

I would suggest that when you get home you do alot more listening than doing or talking. Women need to get things out and sort them out verbally. LISTEN, don't react to each separate feeling.
every guy part in you wants to "fix the problem". That's the natural response. You all are the fixers in the big scheme of things!
THIS situation is going to take take time (and lots of the listening). I would delete all games from the computer and NEVER spend more time than you need to online for about 6 months.
Listen to her, take time to let things heal naturally, and find something the two of you can do that will help you adjust to civilian life. An activity, biking, church, hiking, etc. just something to DO together so you're not sitting around staring at each other!!

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