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  • How can I believe my husband loving me???

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    Old 06-23-2004, 01:01 PM   #1
    Abirof
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    How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Hi,

    I am a 28 year-old married woman. I married about 3.5 years ago. My husband tells me that he loves me, but, I don't know why, I can't believe him... When we go out together he is always checking on the other women, specially young blond girls ...

    Last summer a young blond girl from Italy joined his group at work. He went to pick her up from the airport and took her to the Hotel. Then he told me that we should invite her for breakfast tomorrow, because she is new... I disagreed and he told me I am not human being and have never helped anybody in my life!!

    Later, I was noticing that he is very happy in spending his time with her (because we are working at the same place so I can see what he is doing!) If she was walking in the room, his head was turning around with her! I really got upset and told him that he doesn't love me any more and he is attracted to that girl, but he said that his relationship with that girl is just a professional one!! I can’t believe him…

    This is not the only example...

    What do you think? Does he really love me... I have a feeling that he is looking for another woman...

    Please give me advices... Thanks

     
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    Old 06-23-2004, 01:36 PM   #2
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Him checking out another woman is really not a question of love, but rather respect for you. Of course, he will find other women attractive. However, he should not be checking her out all day long in front of you. You have made it clear to him that you are uneasy about this and he needs to RESPECT you. You should not tell him he does not love you anymore because he is attracted to this girl...if that were the case we would all be guily of not loving our significant other. Theres a big difference between him looking AT another woman and him looking FOR another woman. Do you have reason to suspect his cheating? If not, he still needs to respect you and have his EYES on you when you are in the room. I need more info in order to have a sense of his faithfulness to you.

     
    Old 06-23-2004, 02:07 PM   #3
    always confuzed
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    i agree with elated. It's okay to look but to be doing it to the extreme he is with you nearby is plain ole disrespectful. You said there are other examples but not what. I dont want to assume anything so i will pretend i didn't see that sentence. Have you told him how hurtful his actions are? Could it be his relationship with her IS just professional and he just finds her attractive? Oogling is normal but geez be a lil discreet when the spouse is nearby, no wonder you feel the way you do. I would say you need to sit him down and tell him that you are not comfortable with what he is doing and it is making your thoughts lead to things you'd rather not have to think about. You shouldn't have to question whether or not he loves you....but also remember that him looking at other ladies does not mean he doesn't love you.
    Are there things prior to this that has led to you believe he is cheating or has?

     
    Old 06-23-2004, 02:49 PM   #4
    Abirof
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Thanks for your comments.

    I have talked to him about this problem several times, but seems that he doesn't take me serious.

    The other examples, I can say...

    -- When we started knowing each other, we were living in different countries. While he was telling me that he loves me, he had a girl friend (and I didn't know about that till after we got married).

    -- He has told me that I am a type of woman that doesn't take the men's attention... and little by little I believe in that.

    -- I think he is comparing me to other women. He wants to be with a girl that makes the guys be envious of him...

    -- Whenever we go out with other friends, if there is any YOUNG beautiful girl in the group, she becomes his center of attention. If he is driving, he even adjusts the mirror on her... The way he is dealing with or talking about the YOUNG girls make me feel old. I am just 28, but feel that I am too old to be still attractive...

    I had an accident and broke my nose about four years ago (before we marry). I haven't fixed the problem yet and it looks really ugly on me. I always think, if I were beautiful, I might not have had this problem, which has taken all my energy and time...

    Last edited by Abirof; 06-23-2004 at 02:55 PM.

     
    Old 06-23-2004, 03:03 PM   #5
    Salinas1
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Abirof
    Thanks for your comments.

    I have talked to him about this problem several times, but seems that he doesn't take me serious.

    The other examples, I can say...

    -- When we started knowing each other, we were living in different countries. While he was telling me that he loves me, he had a girl friend (and I didn't know about that till after we got married).

    -- He has told me that I am a type of woman that doesn't take the men's attention... and little by little I believe in that.

    -- I think he is comparing me to other women. He wants to be with a girl that makes the guys be envious of him...

    -- Whenever we go out with other friends, if there is any YOUNG beautiful girl in the group, she becomes his center of attention. If he is driving, he even adjusts the mirror on her...

    I had an accident and broke my nose about four years ago (before we marry). I haven't fixed the problem yet and it looks really ugly on me. I always think, if I were beautiful, I might not have had this problem, which has taken all my energy and time...
    Oh no, this is way different than the simple scenario you offered in your first post. Not to feel bad as this is the standard practice of nearly everyone posting here with some problem or another.

    This is simplistic and overused piece of advice, but when it fits, it fits. You need out of this relationship. This is not simply disrespect, this is an overt attempt to reduce your self worth until you see no way out. His behaviors, as you describe them above, are so problematic. They speak to a character problem that lives at the core of his being. To wait for a needed change will be extremely painful and without guarantees. Please consider your worth as a noble and special woman not needing to be relegated to a relationship with a person that clearly has no respect for you.

    Please don't look only to solutions that only end up with you still with him.

     
    Old 06-23-2004, 05:24 PM   #6
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    To tell a woman that she is "the type who doesn't attract men's attention" is plain mean. And then to "punish" her even further by giving overt attention to other females--what a creep this guy is! This man sounds like the type who will erode your self confidence and leave you feeling completely worthless and unattractive. Listen to yourself--you're ONLY 28, so young, and he's already managed to make you feel like you're some aging old lady! So not true. Don't believe him for a moment. I don't know what to tell you but I'm afraid Salinas is right. You can try to tell him how much his hurtful comments and actions bother you, but I doubt he will change. He sounds like a very insecure man (in a bad way) who is trying to stay in control by putting you down. Not to mention he is capable of lying, as you found out at the beginning of your marriage. Don't let this progress too far. If he won't change his behavior and give you the respect you deserve, better to get out while you're still young. Then you can fix your nose, do whatever you always wanted to do, and look for a man who is a worthy partner who will build you up instead of tearing you down.

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 06:39 AM   #7
    eightball61
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    A lot of men look and stare at things that they only wish they could have....heck women do the same but with other things. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. This has to do with respect...

    I think it was out of his place to pick her up at the airport because there are other people in the office that could do that and for inviting her over to eat is just not right. I can understand if he was doing this because he has always been the nice guy not this case its not.

    He is testing the waters and you need to be a little more firmer on what you expect of him. Lay down what you want.

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 09:56 AM   #8
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Thanks for painting the picture a little clearer.

    This husband of yours is way out of line and completely disrespectful towards you. He has stomped on your self-esteem as you feel ugly and bad about yourself. A husband's job is to make his wife feel beautiful, not put her down. Its your job is to keep feeling beautiful no matter what your husband says or does. You are only 28--thats very young. Get out of this relationship and be with someone who deserves you.

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 10:14 AM   #9
    lona999
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    I don't think that ending up the relationship will fix the problem and doesn't mean that you will be "happier" these events had happened to me also, i'm only 21 and we've been married for 3 years, i know for sure that he loves me, but he does things that bothers me, like checking out other girls, and he denied it, but anyway, what you should do is make yourself more confident, its not matter of age or looks, maybe going on a girl's nite out will help, just for you to know that there be mensssssss falling all over you (this don't happen if you just go out with him) and other the other hand, sit down and talk to him about the problem, don't raise your voice and don't jump in to conclusion saying that he doesn't love you... if is to the point that you don't think this man is worth your while, then go on your own if you think that will make you happy.... good luck to you

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 11:15 AM   #10
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lona999
    I don't think that ending up the relationship will fix the problem and doesn't mean that you will be "happier"
    How much more unhappy can she be? Her husband had another girlfriend when seeing her in the beginning. He has bluntly told her that shes not the type of woman that takes a man's attention. He adjusts his mirror on an attractive girl in his car with his wife by his side. This is emotional abuse and she deserves better. And yes, i think she would be more happy alone than with a man that is constanly putting her down with such disrespect.

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 12:07 PM   #11
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    So, he marries someone totally different than what he attracted to?
    There must be something deeper to this.
    Could it be that if he tears down your self-esteem to the point that you don't feel that YOU are attractive to someone else then he can be "sure" of owning you while he goes on about his philandering way.
    Like, why doesn't Bill Clinton just divorce Hillary and be out there single doing whatever he wants with younger women rather than being unfaithful to his wife for decades?
    (Yes, Hillary needs to get a life of her own but that's a whole other issue politically)

    I guess what I'm wondering is if you are the "rock" that he married to be there for him while he is out doing whatever he wants. The longer you stay the more your self-esteem will be beaten down the harder it will be to break away...

    You don't mention whether or not you suspect that he would sleep with another woman while he is married. Please be careful of your medical health if this is a possiblity.
    Please take care, and think carefully about whether you want to live with a man who is basically being emotionally abusive....

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 12:41 PM   #12
    eightball61
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    So, he marries someone totally different than what he attracted to?
    There must be something deeper to this.
    Could it be that if he tears down your self-esteem to the point that you don't feel that YOU are attractive to someone else then he can be "sure" of owning you while he goes on about his philandering way.
    Like, why doesn't Bill Clinton just divorce Hillary and be out there single doing whatever he wants with younger women rather than being unfaithful to his wife for decades?
    (Yes, Hillary needs to get a life of her own but that's a whole other issue politically)

    I guess what I'm wondering is if you are the "rock" that he married to be there for him while he is out doing whatever he wants. The longer you stay the more your self-esteem will be beaten down the harder it will be to break away...

    You don't mention whether or not you suspect that he would sleep with another woman while he is married. Please be careful of your medical health if this is a possiblity.
    Please take care, and think carefully about whether you want to live with a man who is basically being emotionally abusive....

    Good Post Ruth and I agree what keep s to opposites together is somthing deeper that one cant describe....Could it be the power of love???

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 01:46 PM   #13
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Good Post Ruth and I agree what keep s to opposites together is somthing deeper that one cant describe....Could it be the power of love???
    Well, it could be the power of love...or it could be the power of ignorance. And judging by the number of breakups that occur as a result of this power, I am not necessarily puting my money on love.

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 01:50 PM   #14
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    I think love is what brings you together..
    But you can love someone and choose not to be with them if they are emotionally abusive as in this case.

     
    Old 06-24-2004, 01:50 PM   #15
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    Re: How can I believe my husband loving me???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Salinas1
    Well, it could be the power of love...or it could be the power of ignorance. And judging by the number of breakups that occur as a result of this power, I am not necessarily puting my money on love.

    Love is something that one has to believe in order to make it work. Positive things happen to positive thinkers. People that don't think positive about thier relationships end up failing or not being happy.

     
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