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    Old 07-02-2004, 10:04 AM   #16
    SophiaM
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Why is it that people often tend to reminisce most about the person who treated them horribly, dumped them, and broke their heart? Obvisously this ex was a nut case (read=emotionally unstable woman) who put this guy through hell, and yet he fondly remembers her as "the love of his life." I have to say I would be upset too. Having said that, I believe that his reminiscing does not pose a real threat to your relationship; it's mostly sentimental. Everyone has a bit of a masochist in them, in my opinion. That's why we forget the people who were nice to us quite easily but can't move on from someone who gave us a major roller-coaster-ride of a relationship. A lot of people are addicted to drama, and also, since it's been so long, he forgot how awful the relationship must have been, and is idealizing it in his mind. Anyway, since he doesn't really bring this up, doesn't try to contact the ex, or do anything to have a relationship with her, I would say stop asking him about their past. I bet that if presented with a real choice to be with either you or her, he'd most likely choose you because deep down he must know you make a better partner and your relationship is much better than the one he had with the ex. Just forget she ever existed and focus on the present. You're not second best and when he tells you this, believe him.

     
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    Old 07-02-2004, 10:10 AM   #17
    eightball61
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    LOL!!!!!!
    HA! HA! You made me smile with that one! At least you're nagging about current events. That's way better than beating up the past. And hey,,,give yourself a break - We are all human and need to just nag once in awhile!
    Here's something you might want to try: If something is eating you, write down ALL the issues pertaining to the problem BEFORE the nag fest begins. (I say write them down so you won't forget something) Make an agreement that after they are all out in the open and discussed, you can't bring them up again. It's called "The Fair Nag Amendment" My husband and I do this and we end up cracking up over the whole thing and usually can't remember what we were nagging about and usually don't care by then!

    You crack me up but good advice to try

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:11 AM   #18
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Why is it that people often tend to reminisce most about the person who treated them horribly, dumped them, and broke their heart? Obvisously this ex was a nut case (read=emotionally unstable woman) who put this guy through hell, and yet he fondly remembers her as "the love of his life." I have to say I would be upset too. Having said that, I believe that his reminiscing does not pose a real threat to your relationship; it's mostly sentimental. Everyone has a bit of a masochist in them, in my opinion. That's why we forget the people who were nice to us quite easily but can't move on from someone who gave us a major roller-coaster-ride of a relationship. A lot of people are addicted to drama, and also, since it's been so long, he forgot how awful the relationship must have been, and is idealizing it in his mind. Anyway, since he doesn't really bring this up, doesn't try to contact the ex, or do anything to have a relationship with her, I would say stop asking him about their past. I bet that if presented with a real choice to be with either you or her, he'd most likely choose you because deep down he must know you make a better partner and your relationship is much better than the one he had with the ex. Just forget she ever existed and focus on the present. You're not second best and when he tells you this, believe him.

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:13 AM   #19
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    You crack me up but good advice to try

    It works for us. We have been together for years and I think I can count on one hand all the arguements we have had. It just takes too much effort to fight. I'd rather have a drink, be nice and sit in the hot tub!

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:15 AM   #20
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    My two pennies from heaven worth -
    First - SOPHIA - boy do I agree with you.

    OH, and that old word was mentioned on this post too - SKANK.LOL

    OK, first - This is a great post/example WHY - YOU DON'T ask about a PAST relationship! For pete's sake - a relationship that happened many many moons ago. If you ASK be prepared for the answer and if you can't deal with the answers don't ask!

    Who cares if this girl was the Love of His life - doesn't mean SHE was the RIGHT girl for him. I am no longer with the love of my life who I thought I would be - But it doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend who I am engaged with any less or that HE IS THE RIGHT GUY for me, my partner, my everything, my laughs, joys, great agruments, who I want to spend the rest of my life with and because I love him more then the guy that I thought was the love of my life.

    You have to get pass this or you will hurt your relationship. OK, you said he is your bestfriend and you should tell each other everything - YES, share everything for today and tomorrow not what relationships that were yesterday / years ago. YOU are his life and his future not the "skank".

    I'm typing really fast here cause I have to get off soon so I hope this came across positive for the post.

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:24 AM   #21
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    oopps! Wrong thread!

    Last edited by susieq0726; 07-02-2004 at 10:55 AM.

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:31 AM   #22
    always confuzed
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    i agree with all the responses. To keep comparing yourself to a girl from 11 years ago for 6 months straight is not only unhealthy to the relationship but unhealthy on your own mental health as well. It happened way to long ago to keep ranting about it for this long. Don't mean to sound harsh but i can't blame your man if hes more than annoyed with it. If it's that bad then stop nagging him about his past life that you were not present in and move on from the relationship, but good luck finding someone who has never had their heartbroken. He isn't with her for a reason, is now with you, that alone should say something. If hes comparing you then yes theres a problem, but he has told you he doesnt wanna talk about it. Being best friends does not mean you are entitled to his every emotional thought if it doesn't involve you...well or involve you for that matter. You need to let it go before you drive this guy away and only have yourself to blame in the end. He can't change the past nor is he wrong for having a past, that is something you have to accept. We all have a past, i've had my heart broken so has my dh...doesnt mean we don't love each other.

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:32 AM   #23
    eightball61
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Why is it that people often tend to reminisce most about the person who treated them horribly, dumped them, and broke their heart?

    I feel people feel this way because that person may have been someone really special to them and they can't get over the part that its over. Everyone does remember thier first love and some get over it but some dont. Typically you think that person is the one and will be with you forever but after a break up fpr mind keeps thinking it didn't happen or will come back.

     
    Old 07-02-2004, 10:35 AM   #24
    always confuzed
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    susie i think you posted that on the wrong posting thingy lmao u silly girl.
    I agree with ya...love the hagatha, that's great! she will get hers soon enough

     
    Old 07-04-2004, 03:05 PM   #25
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    i think he is very mean to say hurtfull things like that to you. hes making you feel bad knowingly and if he really loved you he wouldnt want to make you feel bad!!

     
    Old 07-10-2004, 05:37 PM   #26
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cdjcpc
    Ok, here's my question...Are you comparing yourself to her or is he? You may be setting yourself up for failure if you are taking what he says about her and automatically making a comparison. Your insecurities may be getting the best of you and you might need to agree not to discuss her at all.

    If he's making the comparisons then there's an obvious problem because no matter how much you talk, you'll never be her, nor should you try to be.

    I agree that you can't have a conversation with someone who is not willing to be open and honest, but be careful what you ask for. It sounds like he's been honest about how he feels about this girl and you weren't quite prepared to hear it. That may be why he's shutting down when you try to talk to him now. He may be avoiding these conversations to protect your feelings and he may not understand what it is that he needs to do for you to feel more secure.
    I feel that he is comparing me. Quite a few times he has talked about how big her boobs are and than talking to me about getting implants. He also has a dress that belonged to her and he has asked me to try it on. And I found out from my friend that the reason he wanted to date me is because I look like her. After stuff like this, I can't help comparing myself to her. I have never had a problem being small-busted before I met him, now it is a big insecurity for me.

     
    Old 07-10-2004, 05:41 PM   #27
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    Take my advise: Let it go. You are driving yourself crazy and will drive him away in the process. It was 11 years ago! Maybe she did break his heart. So what? IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!
    The only way I can compare this (and this may sound morbid) but what if he had been married to this woman and she died, and was now dating you. Would you question him about his love for her? I know that is a little "far-out there" but here's my point: The people that come and go in our lives make us who we are today. Some come and stay, some go, some we forget, others we never forget, and some break our hearts. It's all part of the learning process of life. Don't let this destroy your relationship. It sounds that you have a great thing going and your insecurity may mess it all up. He sounds like he truly loves you. You have to remember that we ALL have a past, and sometimes some things are better left there. I know this because it happened to me. I ruined a great relationship with someone because I questioned his past. It drove a wedge in our relationship and we never recovered from it.
    Focus on your future - Your future with him!
    If I dated a guy that had lost his wife, at least he would tell me in the beginning. My boyfriend told me that I was the one, the best girlfriend he has ever had; than a year into the relationship I get a slap in the face. I too have a first love but I am not hung up on him and if I were I would not tell someone else a load of crap about them being the one.

     
    Old 07-11-2004, 01:19 AM   #28
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lolliegirl
    I feel that he is comparing me. Quite a few times he has talked about how big her boobs are and than talking to me about getting implants. He also has a dress that belonged to her and he has asked me to try it on. And I found out from my friend that the reason he wanted to date me is because I look like her. After stuff like this, I can't help comparing myself to her. I have never had a problem being small-busted before I met him, now it is a big insecurity for me.
    First, let me say - don't ever EVER alter your body for anyone but yourself!! It does sound like this guy is soooo not over her. Ultimately I think you need to do what your heart tells you to do, but for what it's worth, in case you haven't seen me state my experience before, here it is - my ex almost married a girl 6 years before he met me but she cheated on him and broke his heart really badly. He claimed to be over her, but the only time I ever saw him cry was when he was talking about her. When he found out she had married, he went into a strange inexplicable depression for days. He always wore a gold bracelet she had given him, never ever took it off. It broke once and he got really upset until it was fixed. Well, we broke up after two years. When he met the woman he married, he no longer wore that bracelet and got rid of all the other little things she gave him that he still held onto when we were together. This is only my guess and my opinion, but it sounds to me like when your boyfriend meets the woman who can make him forget his ex, he'll throw her old dress away and stop thinking about her or wanting her and he won't make this new woman look or dress like his ex. And it's my guess he hasn't met that woman yet. Just my opinion.

     
    Old 07-11-2004, 08:57 PM   #29
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    I'm afraid Nini could be right. This guy is not giving you his all. After 11 years he still has her dress and wants you to try it on?!! What did you say to this more than bizarre request? I truly hope you DID NOT comply. I would have started a major fight, no doubt about it, which might have (probably) culminated with this shrine of a dress being slightly altered in appearance. Ok, it would be lying on the floor in pathetic shreds after I'm done with it. Remember, old fabric tears easily. This would definitely push my limit. Not to mention talking to you about things such as the size of her boobs and suggesting you get implants!!! Oh, that would not sit well with me. Tell him to get an implant himself--you know where. How arrogant of him. He should make you feel like you're a beautiful goddess, not like some ex from years ago was more attractive than you. I'm sure that's not true, but I can see why you would start feeling this way. Well, you will do what you deem appropriate, but I don't see that this man is giving you the kind of appreciation and love you deserve. Why should you be with someone who makes you feel second best? Not every man is a fan of humoungous mammary glands hanging down to the woman's knees. You're just with a wrong guy, I think.

     
    Old 07-12-2004, 12:04 AM   #30
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    Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex

    I didn't realize this guy was actually comparing you to his ex like that. My opinion on this issue has totally changed. No wonder you are a basket case. I would be too if I was compared to an ex and told about her big boobs! And he wanted you to wear her dress?? I don't know what to say, other than I agree with SophiaM. UGH--and the nerve of him to ask you to get a boob job. I hate men like that. I don't think a man who asks a woman to do that for his own pleasure has any caring of the pain or risks that he would put the woman he "loves" through. Please don't change for him. He must love you for you, not a clone of his ex. You say you are living with him. Have you thought about leaving him? I know feeling inferior to his ex must have a toll on your self esteem and this cannot be good. You have to decide whether to accept this and find a way to be happy being his 2nd best, or leave...

     
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