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lolliegirl 07-01-2004 03:25 PM

Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago and everything was great. We moved into together after only being together for three weeks. In the beginning he told me that I was the one, he wanted to marry me and I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. I thought he was the one and thought I was so lucky to have a boyfriend that loved me like he said he did.

About six months ago, we got into a discussion about his ex-girlfriends and I just was curious and asking him questions about them. He talked about the last two, but when I asked him about the first one which they broke up 11 years ago, he became very angry and said he did not want to talk about the past and that he doesn't ask me about my past. I, of course, became angry too because I feel like we should be able to talk about anything, since he calls me his best friend. We argued for a while and finally he told me that she was the girl that was the one and almost cried when he talked about her.

All of his friends and family say that she is a *****, skank, drunk and that they had a very volatile relationship and fought all of the time, she even smashed out all of his windows. He will still not say a bad word about her, he defends her when anyone says anything bad about her, even in front of me. In his eyes she is the perfect woman.

It has been almost six months since that conversation, and I can't get over it. I am a complete basket case. I think about her everyday and what they did together, what she is like, does he still think about her, would he pick her over me. I still bring her up to him and everytime it is a different story. Sometimes he says that she doesn't compare to me other times he says that she was his true love. I feel like I was lied to and tricked. My self-esteem has went down the toilet, I don't feel good enough and I cry everyday because I feel like second best; the fill in girl. I am going to school and since this has happened I can't concentrate, my grades are sinking and I am not happy.

Our relationship has not been the same since, I am very standoffish towards him and we even talked about breaking up last night. We decided to give it one more chance, but am wondering whether it is worth being with someone who doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. I don't know how to handle this, I never thought I would be second best to another girl. I really need advice on how others would handle this situation.

Ruth6:11 07-01-2004 03:37 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
I can tell you what the WORST that can happen is - because it happened to me.
I was dumped after 2 1/2 years when my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend - who dumped him 6 months before we met - called and left a message at his parent's house.
Of course he called her and started seeing her even though we had been discussing honeymoon locations for when we got married.

To make a long story short, I cried morning and night for weeks. Felt totally worthless and unloved.
Got a cat so I'd have something to come home to and then realized that I was just fine if I never met another man in my life. I had a place to live and a job that paid my bills.
6 months after the guy I almost married dumped me - I met my husband.
We've been married for 15 years now.

And THAT is the worst that can happen.
Not so bad, is it??!!
:angel:

cdjcpc 07-01-2004 03:44 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
Where is this ex now? Is she still around and does he see her?

lolliegirl 07-01-2004 04:13 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
Let me just say that I am not worried about him leaving me for her. She is married to some millionaire and has two kids. She still lives in our city and I have seen her a couple of times. What I am worried about is being with someone who is wishing I was someone else. I feel like I am getting short-changed because his heart belongs to her and was wondering if it is better to leave or is it possible to make this work?

cdjcpc 07-01-2004 04:36 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=lolliegirl]Let me just say that I am not worried about him leaving me for her. She is married to some millionaire and has two kids. She still lives in our city and I have seen her a couple of times. What I am worried about is being with someone who is wishing I was someone else. I feel like I am getting short-changed because his heart belongs to her and was wondering if it is better to leave or is it possible to make this work?[/QUOTE]

Maybe this is the time to lay it all on the line. You need to tell him that your are being confused by his mixed emotions about his ex and that it's affecting your views on the relationship and how you feel about him. You need to be honest about what you're feeling and why. You also need to be honest with him. You can't expect him to know what you're feeling unless you spell it out very clearly. Let him know that you aren't happy feeling like you're someone he settled for because the one he wants isn't available. If he can't come to terms with the fact it's over (and OVER should mean OVER) with the ex, then you may need to separate for a while until you both have come to terms with this issue and he's decided to let go of the emotional baggage. It's not fair to either of you or your relationship.

lolliegirl 07-01-2004 04:53 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=cdjcpc]Maybe this is the time to lay it all on the line. You need to tell him that your are being confused by his mixed emotions about his ex and that it's affecting your views on the relationship and how you feel about him. You need to be honest about what you're feeling and why. You also need to be honest with him. You can't expect him to know what you're feeling unless you spell it out very clearly. Let him know that you aren't happy feeling like you're someone he settled for because the one he wants isn't available. If he can't come to terms with the fact it's over (and OVER should mean OVER) with the ex, then you may need to separate for a while until you both have come to terms with this issue and he's decided to let go of the emotional baggage. It's not fair to either of you or your relationship.[/QUOTE]

I have told him how I feel many many times but he just says that I am very insecure and doesn't want to discuss it. He says I take everything personally and get too upset, but I can't help it because I want to be the one for him and I can't handle hearing how wonderful she was. I have told him many times that I feel like the fill in girl and that he has settled for me and he just says I am crazy and that is the end of the conversion. I don't know how to have an open and honest conversion with someone who is not willing to be open and honest.

cdjcpc 07-01-2004 05:27 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=lolliegirl]I have told him how I feel many many times but he just says that I am very insecure and doesn't want to discuss it. He says I take everything personally and get too upset, but I can't help it because I want to be the one for him and I can't handle hearing how wonderful she was. I have told him many times that I feel like the fill in girl and that he has settled for me and he just says I am crazy and that is the end of the conversion. I don't know how to have an open and honest conversion with someone who is not willing to be open and honest.[/QUOTE]

Ok, here's my question...Are you comparing yourself to her or is he? You may be setting yourself up for failure if you are taking what he says about her and automatically making a comparison. Your insecurities may be getting the best of you and you might need to agree not to discuss her at all.

If he's making the comparisons then there's an obvious problem because no matter how much you talk, you'll never be her, nor should you try to be.

I agree that you can't have a conversation with someone who is not willing to be open and honest, but be careful what you ask for. It sounds like he's been honest about how he feels about this girl and you weren't quite prepared to hear it. That may be why he's shutting down when you try to talk to him now. He may be avoiding these conversations to protect your feelings and he may not understand what it is that he needs to do for you to feel more secure.

susieq0726 07-01-2004 06:17 PM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
Take my advise: Let it go. You are driving yourself crazy and will drive him away in the process. It was 11 years ago! Maybe she did break his heart. So what? IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!
The only way I can compare this (and this may sound morbid) but what if he had been married to this woman and she died, and was now dating you. Would you question him about his love for her? I know that is a little "far-out there" but here's my point: The people that come and go in our lives make us who we are today. Some come and stay, some go, some we forget, others we never forget, and some break our hearts. It's all part of the learning process of life. Don't let this destroy your relationship. It sounds that you have a great thing going and your insecurity may mess it all up. He sounds like he truly loves you. You have to remember that we ALL have a past, and sometimes some things are better left there. I know this because it happened to me. I ruined a great relationship with someone because I questioned his past. It drove a wedge in our relationship and we never recovered from it.
Focus on your future - Your future with him! ;)

eightball61 07-02-2004 08:18 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
I agree with susieq0726


You need to let it go. Don't force the past because it could ruin things for your future. Everyone has a first love and his happen before you. A lot of people have a hard time letting go but that doesn't mean that is heart is not devoted to you.

elatedgiraffe 07-02-2004 08:21 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
The fact is: it is YOU and HIM. He has told you that you are crazy when you say that you feel second best. That means, he does not feel you are second best. Get over it. You've been pestering him about it for 6 months. If you can't get over it I think you should break things off before this all ends bad. I'm not trying to be harsh--but really---he is with you. You asked him about his ex to begin with. (when you play with fire, you get burned). Its not like he just talks about her daily. He kept her out of your relationship. You are the one who brought her into it. I'm not trying to be harsh and I'm sad that it hurts you so much. I can't tell you whats the right way to feel, but I honestly think you are going to chase him away by not letting go of this issue. So you can run him off, break up with him, or jet let it go. Those are your options. :)

susieq0726 07-02-2004 09:18 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
Eightball & Elated are right. People (and men especially) do not like to be badgered about things over and over and over again. It gets very old very quickly and prevents you from moving on in your relationship. Women can be be naggers from time to time, (and I am a woman btw) and if you're bugging him about something that happened YEARS AGO - Not good. Nag him about throwing his yesterday underwear on the floor, not about a girlfriend 11 yrs ago.
This may take some work on your part. It did when it happened to me, but you will learn and be smart about it. Remember to pick your battles. Fight the fights worth fighting - You will have more credibility with him.

eightball61 07-02-2004 09:23 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=susieq0726] Women can be be naggers from time to time,[/QUOTE]


I think I am part women because I am the same way. I like to nag and try to talk about a problem over and over which makes the situation worse. I have to learn to stop this. We all have things that we disagree on but sometimes its valuable to just accept it for what it is or you will never beable to grow or see past that.

susieq0726 07-02-2004 09:46 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=eightball61]I think I am part women because I am the same way. I like to nag and try to talk about a problem over and over which makes the situation worse. I have to learn to stop this. We all have things that we disagree on but sometimes its valuable to just accept it for what it is or you will never beable to grow or see past that.[/QUOTE]


And the worst part about nagging about the past, is that you can't change it. It is what it is - But you can change the future!

eightball61 07-02-2004 09:48 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=susieq0726]And the worst part about nagging about the past, is that you can't change it. It is what it is - But you can change the future![/QUOTE]


Thats true but when I nag i find it has to do with current arguements and I just want to keep discussing it even after we stopped...I have to stop that

susieq0726 07-02-2004 10:02 AM

Re: Boyfriend still in love with ex
 
[QUOTE=eightball61]Thats true but when I nag i find it has to do with current arguements and I just want to keep discussing it even after we stopped...I have to stop that[/QUOTE]


LOL!!!!!! :D
HA! HA! You made me smile with that one! At least you're nagging about current events. That's way better than beating up the past. And hey,,,give yourself a break - We are all human and need to just nag once in awhile!
Here's something you might want to try: If something is eating you, write down ALL the issues pertaining to the problem BEFORE the nag fest begins. (I say write them down so you won't forget something) Make an agreement that after they are all out in the open and discussed, you can't bring them up again. It's called "The Fair Nag Amendment" My husband and I do this and we end up cracking up over the whole thing and usually can't remember what we were nagging about and usually don't care by then!


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