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  • Depression in a relationship ??

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    Old 07-09-2004, 10:33 AM   #1
    Kensington70
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    Depression in a relationship ??

    I posted this in the depression area - but perhaps it is more of a relationship issue - anyway, any advice is welcome !
    ---
    Hi - let me briefly explain my situation. I am 33yr old male, into a 6 month relationship with a 26yr old female who I think is depressed. On the whole - we have had a healthy relationship. However, things are now a real struggle. At a very early stage, she wanted me to move in with her - so I did in April. Then it was a talk on timing for engagement, wedding and children and I happily agreed. However, due to some emotional baggage from my past, I sought to solidify the relationship and ensure that this was real and legit - that this really was the "one". Naturally, as time sped by, little things were said or done by her that alarmed me and I would intensely analyse and raise them, mainly because we just did not know each other well at all yet had the pressure of living together. She did not appreciate it nor like it and would often just tell me not be so intense - that everything was fine.

    Well, since May 'til now, we have not really been in a consistent positive groove as a result of this intensity and "microscope". Just this week, we had discussions of me moving out as she overestimated the commitment of living together once the reality set in and she realized the day-to-day stuff of sharing and sacrifices were not to her liking. This snowballed into what I consider some symptoms of depression.

    She said things like she did not know what she wants generally, she is afraid of losing the best thing that ever happened to her because she is so frustrated with herself, this negative turn in our relationship has everything to do with her and that she does not feel she can give me back what I give her. She also said she may be afraid of commitment and that she does not know if she is in love with me anymore and that things were just not working out.

    I did not see any hope for us. However, she began to change her mind. She said what if she was wrong ? What could we do to make things better ? After a long discussion, everything was settled - albiet a band-aid solution. We agreed to focus on "being" and not talking all the time about our relationship and commit to working through these issues.

    I can't help but think that there are some signs of depression in her frustrations with herself. Since we had this talk on Monday, she has stayed home from work and slept all day - she does have a cold though. However, she has, in the past, mentioned issues around low self-esteem, lack of confidence despite being very focused on herself to the point of selfishness and narcissism.

    Sorry to be all over the map here - my fear is that she is depressed about life - she also hates her job, has a very dominant and overbearing Mother whom she loves and is very close to. She has also only had one relationship 3 years ago in university that resulted in a loss of identity and significant control over her.

    So - I am very worried I will lose her to the idea that I filled a void for a while and now she is feeling guilty about it and pushing me away as she does not believe she is worthy of me. I love her dearly - and do not want to give up on her. I want to help her, but she will only deny depression - as I have asked and she, at certain times, denies it vehemently. Other times, she acknowledges it.

    In the few days since our painful discussion, intimacy is lacking (and has been for weeks) and although we are generally comfortable, I can see that she is trying to assert independence in herself within the confines of our relationship things in her daily routine that she has let fall through the cracks I am supportive of this as it will make her feel better about herself. I am just afraid I am missing her signals that she is not interested in a relationship now and will push me away because of a depressed nature.

    Does this sound like a depressed person ? What can I do to help ?

    Thanks

     
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    Old 07-09-2004, 11:29 AM   #2
    newlywedgurl
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    Re: Depression in a relationship ??

    OK....I'll take a stab at it.....

    I don't know if it's depression, but the poor girl sounds awfully overwhelmed. I would say to tread lightly right now. And as she suggested.....not be so intense. I might be reading more into your post than I should, but it really sounds like this has become an issue of micromanaging the relationship. There are always little issues in any relationship, especially when living with someone. There are those things that bug us...and you sound like me. Tend to get overly sensitive and overly analytical. Not everything has hidden meaning and not everyone has a hidden agenda. I would just relax some. Otherwise you will both end up smothering this relationship.

    It's a shame. Sounds like you both care very much about one another. Perhaps you could just agree to allow the relationship to "breathe" a bit? Don't pressure her for intimacy right now either. I'd try to put some fun back into being together rather than having to hash out issues (real or imagined) in every conversation. Keep things lighthearted and just be supportive. That's the best I can offer with the limited info...if you would like to post more, we'll all be more than happy to help!


    newlywedgurl

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 12:21 PM   #3
    Kensington70
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    Re: Depression in a relationship ??

    Yes, I agree with you - there are some depressive/depsression issues, but for the sake of this situation, it is not the main factor. We are in love - and this very bad night we had has really shaken the foundations. However, we are settling back in to a positive and good routine, trying to build back. I agree that time is needed for intimacy and we are not in a hurry.

    I think also we both got very excited by the idea of this - without knowing each other very well at first and assuming all would fall into place in a simple and easy manner. Of course, it has not - that is understandable. But the pressure of trying to scrutinize all this under one roof has been unbearable. So - here we are now. She is also very young for her age. I find she is unwilling to move outside her "comfort zone", does not treat me as well as I would like at times and demonstrates a very strong immaturity. All this to say, I think she is very scared - about all of life and recognizing it is time to take things seriously like money, job, me, friendships, etc.

    She told me on Monday night that she did not want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to her and that this was so frustrating to herself as she knew it was her fault - her inability to be ready for this and commit. Given we regrouped and since then things have been good, she obviously is finding her way within us and feels that we may be able to co-exist while she works through this. So - I agree - my role is to relax, enjoy and let all happen in due course.

    thanks again - and please reply if you like.

     
    Old 07-09-2004, 12:30 PM   #4
    newlywedgurl
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    Re: Depression in a relationship ??

    Keep in mind, too, that you have 7 years ahead of her in experience and such. Getting married at ANY age can be scary. And she is still learning how to deal with all that comes with being "a grown up" ( whatever THAT is! lol)

    Anyway, just be patient with her. And be patient with you. It'll work out if you will both let it.

    Please keep us updated on how things are going. We all love updates!!

     
    Old 07-12-2004, 12:33 PM   #5
    Kensington70
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    Re: Depression in a relationship ??

    Hi - well, just posting a brief update. I do hope that my writings may help others who may find themselves in similar situations. I enjoy reading other threads and find some revealing insights.

    We had a very quiet weekend - we did some things together and apart. However, she currently has bronchitis (yikes - ) and it is not fun as it tires her out and makes her run down. So, I was trying to be supportive and caring - made dinner, etc. This is a little like rebuilding a car. You have the engine all ready to go, but you need the parts to run it smoothly. This will take time.

    There were some very positive and encouraging moments though and I was generally pleased, but we have a long way to go and I just think consistency is so valid here. She is frustrated by her illness now and has to stay home all week - no work at all, so I am hoping to just support her however I can. I find myself getting into mini little depressions as I recall all the hurtful things that were said and wonder if this will really happen ?! I also worry about her low self-esteem - but I can't say much or do much. I do love her and want to see her happy. So - baby steps...

     
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